To wonder if DINKs will be more lonely when older?

[Aintbaint]

Ok, so hear me out. This isn’t an US v Them thread …
I have a lot of Double Income No Kids friends - for various reasons, mostly choice.
So for most career has been their main focus, followed by their partner… Most have been very financially comfortable, travelled a lot, able to afford holiday homes, successful work wise etc basically all the benefits of no kids!

But now we’re all in our late 40s and 50s and slowed down a bit, retired early, separated or divorced, Quite a few just seem to to have lost focus, seem a bit depressed or unhappy, and don’t have the same focal point that having kids can bring.
I stupidly thought that kids would get older and we’d have our independence back but obvs kids are always there in someways - you never stop worrying or thinking about them or doing stuff with them. So still that focal point in many ways and Indaynthat as someone who does have a FT job they like and hobbies…

YABU - of course DINKs are just as happy and not lonely etc

YANBU - it’s harder as you get older when it’s just you or you+partner and work isn’t as important or you retire

Same. I'd love to be a horsey person but I fear I'm too lazy. 😂

I don’t think whether you have dc or not determines if you’re lonely. There are way too many other factors. Some people with dc also maintain v strong social bonds outside their families. Some people get on with their adult kids. To others they’re mainly a source of stress and worry- “you’re only as happy as your unhappiest kid”. Some people are close to their kids. Some aren’t but have loads of friends so don’t mind. Others are bereft when dc move.

TLDR: impossible to generalise. Loneliness impacts both parents and child free people.

With or without children some people are lonely.

For some that loneliness is a tragedy and for some it is the outcome of their behaviours.

There is no justice as to who ends up lonely, the Universe doesn’t work like that.

Well, this is a lovely thread to read after finding out my 4th round of ivf has ended without any viable embryos. We've spent 6 years of our life trying, and failing, to have children. I've lost 6 pregnancies and spent £60,000 for a chance at having children and its not worked.

We're now 40 and 41, time and funds have run out for us. And now I'll have a life of loneliness ahead. Cheers OP.

That is one back-handed spiteful post, OP? Could you be any more sneery about DINKS? Could you perhaps give a thought to the people who don't have children because they can't, for whatever reason?

Your 'disclaimer' of not a 'them and us', really doesn't cut it either.

💐to you. You've really been through it and I'm so sorry it didn't work out for you.

@FinallyFeb Exactly, you can’t generalize!

@innerdesign @fitzwilliamdarcy The dogs/horses interest is a perfect example of how different we all are. It sounds great to you both and bloomin’ boring to me. 😂

I work part time, have loads of disposable cash, multiple holidays a year, 8 hours sleep + a night and can basically do whatever I want and visit friends whenever I want. I may still have kids one day but I have to say my friends in the trenches of parenthood aren’t exactly doing a very good job at convincing me, looks a bit shit.

Absolutely. Her choices, her life 👍

My DH was asked if he would work the Christmas day on-call again this year (which would be his third in a row) because he 'doesn't have a family'. He has me, our combined in-laws and an adored nephew. You don't have to have your own children to be surrounded by people you care about. We've also had friends for 20+ years who may as well be family.

We aren't examples of the mythical DINKs with high flying jobs, amazing holidays and no financial worries - every month is still tight, although obviously easier than if we did have children. But we made a lifestyle choice that we didn't want to be parents, and we remain happy with that.

💐💐💐💐 all the best wishes to you. Ignore this thread, it’s just one spiteful OP and I’m not exactly sure why they’ve got such an axe to grind.

I agree.

It has often struck me that the MN obsession with staying within your own tiny family unit at all times must lead to people living very small lives - I wonder what those parents do when the children leave.

Agreed. But hopefully the responses on this thread will be some comfort, as it has not gone the way OP intended at all!

I hope your husband has said a firm "No!" to working Christmas Day again, PinkDaffodils.

CockerMum · Today 15:14

I work part time, have loads of disposable cash, multiple holidays a year, 8 hours sleep + a night and can basically do whatever I want and visit friends whenever I want. I may still have kids one day but I have to say my friends in the trenches of parenthood aren’t exactly doing a very good job at convincing me, looks a bit shit.

I have three DC and the first part of your post describes my life apart from the fact that I don’t work.

People get so wound up at these kinds of posts. YANBU but you have a specific mindset that raising kids is the most important priority for you. It is for me too and I can't really fathom a whole life without kids. However I do accept some people just don't think the same way so I guess they are not lonely they just get on with their life however it may be. We can't always understand everyone's mindset tbh

That’s good for you. I enjoy my job, and find it fulfilling. I’m sure you feel the same about your children.

Thinking isn't your strong point then, bottomsup, nor reading. Did you read any of the posts from women who would love to have had children and can't?

Your post is just as horrible as the OPs. Ugh.

So basically you have a rich husband?

https://www.minnpost.com/second-opinion/2019/08/having-adult-children-can-increase-emotional-well-being-if-theyre-out-of-the-house-study-finds/#:~:text=It%20found%20that%20parents%20of,no%20longer%20living%20with%20them.

A large, European study, published recently in the journal PLOS One, suggests that may be the case. It found that parents of adult children tend to have higher levels of emotional well-being and life satisfaction than their peers without children.
But there’s a catch. They’re only happier if their grown-up children are no longer living with them.

You have the hard years with greater risks to relationships then have to wait to ever increasing ages for them to be gone - but having kids can give more life satisfaction (in end after all the risks) according to one research study - maybe you are seeing this.

I suspect in reality it depends, like most of life, on individual circumstances.

People I know in 50s and 60s with no children don't seem any less happy than ones who had kids - though many have close family ties with siblings and cousins. As families get smaller and more scattered and if we really are in a "friendship recession" particularity hitting younger generations as I suddenly keep reading about - maybe it's an increasing risk for future generations or maybe they'll be societal shifts as ever more people don't have kids.

So basically you have a rich husband?

I have retired.

I think it’s probably fine if you are in a couple because you can travel and enjoy socialising and doing things together but if you are single or widowed it is much harder. I say that as a single person near retirement.

I don't think it's possible to answer because it's wholly down to the individual.
Some people will be happy and some won't. Some will fill their lives with other things and some won't

And having children is no guarantee of company in your old age anyway nor should it be. That's not a burden anyone should put on their children. Children should fly the nest and build their own lives and be a part of yours, not the whole of it

Depends on the people surely, some will be lonely, some with children will be lonely.

I personally, have moved to a different country to my parents and don’t see them often.

My siblings in their 40s are nightmarishly needy still. I bet my parents would love to be lonely for a while.

It really isn't that hard to understand, surely? I have a child, but I've been childfree for more of my adult life than I've been a parent, and honestly, I didn't undergo some kind of utter transformation the moment I delivered the placenta. I'm much the same person, but with a child.

Who is absolutely one of my priorities, as I adore him, and he's only 11, and still has a fair bit of rearing to go before he achieves notional independence, but he's far from my sole priority. His job is not to provide me with a 'focus' or provide company when I'm older. Like a pp, my parents had five children, and we all live in different countries at the moment. I anticipate he'll be off exploring the world just as I did.