To wonder if DINKs will be more lonely when older?

[Aintbaint]

Ok, so hear me out. This isn’t an US v Them thread …
I have a lot of Double Income No Kids friends - for various reasons, mostly choice.
So for most career has been their main focus, followed by their partner… Most have been very financially comfortable, travelled a lot, able to afford holiday homes, successful work wise etc basically all the benefits of no kids!

But now we’re all in our late 40s and 50s and slowed down a bit, retired early, separated or divorced, Quite a few just seem to to have lost focus, seem a bit depressed or unhappy, and don’t have the same focal point that having kids can bring.
I stupidly thought that kids would get older and we’d have our independence back but obvs kids are always there in someways - you never stop worrying or thinking about them or doing stuff with them. So still that focal point in many ways and Indaynthat as someone who does have a FT job they like and hobbies…

YABU - of course DINKs are just as happy and not lonely etc

YANBU - it’s harder as you get older when it’s just you or you+partner and work isn’t as important or you retire

How about you just worry about you and let all of us childless posters, whether by choice or otherwise, look after ourselves?

IMO, there's something terrible smug about people who post shit like this. Like reproduction is some sort of superior achievement and that parenting is some sort of super quality only reserved for the elite.

Your post is as offensive as if I started a thread asking - Do you live variously through your children? Do you have a sense of who you are as a person or is your identity wrapped up in your role as a mother? Are you a pain in the ass MIL because you've nothing else going on in your life?
I wouldn't because it's incredibly judgmental and rude and I would assume it's not the case for most posters.

It never ceases to amaze me the amount of people who look disparagingly on those without kids.

We'll be fine - thanks for your concern.

This is going to make me sound like a dick bit I don't really care.

All of my friends who have had children have become incredibly boring and home bod types. They don't leave the village. They care what their neighbours think. They talk about people from the village, their kids, their kids acquaintances. Even their older/grown kids lives. I find it insufferably dull and suburban.
They gossip, they meddle in other people's (including their kids) lives even if it's just sticking their awe and opinions in, because they have bugger all else on. I no longer spend time with any of them because I regard it was a complete drain, with the exception of my partner's family but I do that for my partner's sake.

I'd literally rather spend my free time in a room with a pack of rabid rats, because at least it'd be exciting.

Something that most millennials won't be doing, so it's hardly relevant to the poster you quoted. Different times.

@Anotherparkingthread Genuinely not being a dick, but it's 'sticking your oar in', not awe

Genuinely not being a dick, but it's 'sticking your oar in', not awe

No. You are. Imagine being that arrogant that you think your corrections are warranted on a chatboard?

FS mate, I actually wasn't. I have a rhotic accent so the difference is obvious to me. I appreciate it probably isn't to PP. If I was going about using a phrase totally incorrectly I'd appreciate someone telling me.

PP is CF, I am CF. I'm not trying to pick at them. Was just pointing something out

Something that most millennials won't be doing, so it's hardly relevant to the poster you quoted. Different times.

The original poster didn’t mention her age, I am 55.

She said she may still have kids one day and her friends are in the trenches of parenthood. She's unlikely to be 65

My point was you can still get 8 hours sleep, travel, have disposable income and have DC, it doesn’t have to be either/or.

Just like you can be lonely without DC or lonely when your DC have flown the nest and you haven’t built a life for yourself outside of being a parent.

innerdesign there are too many posters who do this, get their metaphorical 'red pens' out to correct posters. You might appreciate being corrected but others don't necessarily.

You're talking about women though, stent you? You say people, but you mean women. Men are never ever perceived to grieve over grown up kids or an empty nest.

I only see this imaginary war on MN. In the real world, I have many child free friends, and my life- now that my DC are grown- is not that much different from theirs. Neither of us cares that much about each other's choices. Everybody has their own difficulties and their own joys.

I don't believe I could. The cost of childcare would be prohibitive to much travel, and would leave me with minimal disposable income. Not to mention that you cannot say for sure anyone could get that much sleep. I see from my own friends, some have (NT) 7 year olds who still don't sleep through. Or a child could have mental or physical disabilities. If I'm not prepared to deal with that I don't believe I should have children.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I take your point if it were the middle of an argument, but you've jumped down my throat unnecessarily IMO

It’ll depend on them as a person, their personality, their reason for not having kids, their social circle and their social needs. Far to many variables to generalise.

some people will be glad they didn’t have kids their whole lives, others may regret their decision as they age, either was it’s their life and their decision to be pleased with or regret. No point others passing judgment on it.

I actually typed it but the aggressive autocorrect on my phone changes words and I'm not a pedant so I don't notice/care when it does.

I had this the other day, ironically it changed pedant to pendant which gloriously proved my point when somebody on here pointed it out.

This again? Having children is no guarantee that they will still be in your life when you're older, you know. More importantly, life is what we all make of it and that can include friends, hobbies, volunteering etc etc. And, whisper it, some people really rather enjoy being on their own. Maybe, OP, you could just concentrate on your own life and let us get on - happily - with ours.

Such a nasty, ignorant OP. The child free people I know are living busy, fulfilled lives. They certainly aren’t lonely or worrying about being lonely. I think it’s sad that some people think having a child is the only way to be happy or fulfilled. They really should develop more rounded lives.

I think the opposite. My child-free friends have at least time to enjoy hobbies and to cultivate a social life that should carry them into old age.
I (a FT working mum) have about 30 seconds to myself each month and my mind is always somewhere else. I simply don't have the energy to invest in friendships. I'll need to try very hard when my kids leave home / I stop working so much to build a life just for me (and DH).

There are so many variables involved In not sure there is really an answer OP. For me, I don’t see any guarantee that my DC will still hang about when I’m older, I hope they do but they might move away or have busy careers etc, they might just end up hating me for some reason, who knows?

I think loneliness is probably less likely for people who have made time to cultivate friendships and hobbies, whether they have DC or not. Sadly I am not one of these people.

Really depends. Circumstances can change so much over time. If you have wider friends and family then no. Some people have kids and a partner and are very lonely.

Lovely post. And so true. Sometimes when I read MN posts it is as though some people can’t hold two ideas in their mind at once - that many DINKYS are fulfilled and content and many those with kids are equally content. Or not.

Depressed and unhappy is not dependent on having kids or not
Plenty people depressed and unhappy with kids maybe because of their kids

I don't see it. About half my friends have no children but are single (so not DINKYS) and have been for most of their adult lives. They have incredibly full lives - they travel a lot, they have very interesting jobs, close friendships. Two of them are a bit lonely in that they wish they had a partner, and one of them used to want children but overall, I think they are happy, loved, fulfilled. The few DINKYs I know (not so well - friends of friends, seem blissfully happy, Still very loved up in their 50s, 60s, 70s!)

Then some of us with adult children feel quite acute pain when they leave, or move abroad. One good friend has a daughter who has suddenly decided her mother is a monster and cut off all ties, not even calling at Christmas. This is deeply traumatic for her. I don't know any people whose adult children are around all the time, filling their days with joy!

I'm part of a DINK.

Honestly, it was this forum that sealed the deal for me to not have kids.

The drudgery, the worry, the depression, the physical and mental changes, the school shite that consumes some women on here.

90% of the threads I read are from women who's lives have been changed for the worse for having children.

The whole "it's worth not being able to sleep, hold my feces, have brew, have crippling depression and anxiety just to see them smile" is utter bollocks.

I really fucks me off when women without kids are spoken about like a "subset" of people.

And if I'm lonely, I'll buy a villa in Spain and enjoy my retirement with the rest of the lonely old foggies. I'm sure we'll find something to do together.

Sorry to go off on a rant, but child free or childless women are actually ok without mothers worrying if they're lonely or not. And if you're that arsed, befriend one of the lonely old crowd you're referring to. I'll be doing you actually fine one!

So do I. I don't have a partner or kids. I have plenty of friends and a good social life and holidays. I'm self employed and work when I choose to. Perfectly happy and not at all lonely.

DINKS here, both retired (well I am, DH not quite), childfree not originally by choice, we have a lovely life, nice holidays, good friends. Thanks for your concern though OP, but there is no need to worry about us.