To wonder if DINKs will be more lonely when older?

[Aintbaint]

Ok, so hear me out. This isn’t an US v Them thread …
I have a lot of Double Income No Kids friends - for various reasons, mostly choice.
So for most career has been their main focus, followed by their partner… Most have been very financially comfortable, travelled a lot, able to afford holiday homes, successful work wise etc basically all the benefits of no kids!

But now we’re all in our late 40s and 50s and slowed down a bit, retired early, separated or divorced, Quite a few just seem to to have lost focus, seem a bit depressed or unhappy, and don’t have the same focal point that having kids can bring.
I stupidly thought that kids would get older and we’d have our independence back but obvs kids are always there in someways - you never stop worrying or thinking about them or doing stuff with them. So still that focal point in many ways and Indaynthat as someone who does have a FT job they like and hobbies…

YABU - of course DINKs are just as happy and not lonely etc

YANBU - it’s harder as you get older when it’s just you or you+partner and work isn’t as important or you retire

In the 90s they were called DINKYs, emphasis on the Y for Yet - as the expectation was that if you could have kids you would.
A married couple in our family took the decision not to have kids. They have the life of absolute Riley - most people's once in a lifetime holidays are their standard annual holiday. British breaks are all 5*, and are often with this, that or the other group of friends. They have managed to maintain relationships within their families and friendship groups because all they have to worry about are their own social lives. I on the other hand have let friendships slide and rarely even see my siblings. Our holidays, evening activities are all focused around which clubs which teenager is attending - it gets worse as they get older. Next year all of my weekends away will be around the youngest's hobby and visiting the eldest at their university city. Would I swap places, absolutely not, but they certainly won't be lonely.

No they will be having flings with guys in their 30s as their bodies will not be child-ravaged

Yes OP, we get it. You're better than them

That's a really sneery OP despite your attempts at faux concern.

My experience is that older people who have the expectation that their life will revolve around DC/DGC often end up far lonelier than people who built a life that wasn't reliant on DC being in regular contact.

People who have no children may invest more in friendships over their lifetime. No need to be lonely!

The late-40s child free women that I know are all living full, fulfilling lives. They have hobbies, careers, and a circle of good friends.

Maybe it's just the people you know?

Having kids is no guarantee you won't be lonely. Adult children move away, fall out with parents or just don't visit because they're wrapped up in their own lives

I'm sure there are just as many lonely parents out there as there are lonely childfree people.

Childfree people will probably be better off because they won't have had the expectations of children entertaining them in their twilight years & will have strong connections with wider family or friends.

I now see we're flipping to the opposite end of the spectrum, which is that all childless people are millionaires, with bodies like Heidi Klum, perfect for jetting off on the third beach holiday of the year.

Just as bad as the lonely spinster stereotype!

In reality, most childless people have to have these things called jobs in order to pay these things called bills. Just like those with kids! 😮

I agree with this. I invest more time in my friendships than my friends with children do.

Sorry, i wasnt referring to her not having kids as selfish. I just meant shes a very selfish and self centred person, however sometimes i do wonder if secretly she wishes she had of had kids when she was younger. Shes too caught up in horses/dogs now

Complete generalisation. There is no single answer.

I suppose I am a divorced SINK, but have two official godgoblins, two unofficial godgoblins, a fair few friends, and I volunteer for two organisations outside of my full time job (befriending older people and searching for missing people). There are lots of people in my life and even my parents are still clinging on in there for the moment.

I don’t think my world will diminish into old age provided I arrange my life to still have people in it. As I said, generalisation, there is no single answer.

Can’t we just recognize that different lifestyles and life choices suit different people?!

What makes one person happy could make another miserable. It’s hardly rocket science to recognize that!

It's possible, perhaps even likely, that people without children will be lonelier in the end, but there are downsides to any path in life and being 100% content all the time is an unrealistic goal. We must all accept the good and the bad in the lives we've been dealt, without focusing all the time on the very end and "what ifs". Also, having children just to provide ourselves with an occupation and help in old age would be wrong and selfish. This reminds me of a joke I heard from my grandad:

"An old man is on his deathbed surrounded by his family. His children ask: Why are you so upset, father? Your whole family is with you!

Well, he responds, when I was young I settled down early and worked hard so I could have a family, so that someone will bring me a glass of water on my deathbed. I never bought myself a motorcycle like I dreamed, because I spent it all on my children, so that someone will bring me a glass of water on my deathbed. I never went on holiday because I couldn't afford it, I had so many children, so that someone will bring me a glass of water... etc. And now I'm on my deathbed...and I'm not fucking thirsty!"

FWIW, it doesn't sound healthy for either side if older or retired people still make their grown-up children the focal point of their life. You need to have an inner life and purpose that is yours and not dependent on others.

Are parents happier or are you just busier? I don't want to focus on or worry about children for the rest of my life, that sounds like hell to me. I don't worry about being lonely, I enjoy my own company. I worry about having someone in my space 24/7. What I do worry about (and I suspect, to give you the benefit of the doubt, this might be what you mean) is not having a sense of purpose. But that can be cultivated

I mean by that rationale SINGLE people without kids are even more destined for a future of abject lonely misery. Although don't most studies have single women as the happiest sub group?

I agree with a pp, it makes more sense that someone whose spent the last 20 years plus with kids as their primary focus might struggle when their kids are no longer around as much rather than people who have never had such a singular primary focus and have therefore diversified their social/intellectual stimuli....and then of course there are those who actually LIKE being alone with minimal social interaction, regardless of age.

I think when people get to their 50s, many of us are a bit depressed, whether we have kids or not. Many reasons for that, menopause being one.

I'm currently watching my empty-nesting friends struggle with empty houses and stagnant school gate relationships now that the group has nothing in common. Meanwhile I'm enjoying life as much as I ever did thanks to future-proofing my life by making friends with people of different ages, backgrounds and sexes.

Blimey what a horrible thread! OP did you honestly not think about how this would come across?

Childfree people will probably be better off because they won't have had the expectations of children entertaining them in their twilight years & will have strong connections with wider family or friends

I think about this and how to plan for our future possible care needs. I think those with children sometimes make the assumption that their children will care for them in their old age. Usually the female children. One of my friends is run ragged right now, looking after two elderly households. It is really unfair.

So true, @Lentilweaver . I’m turning 50 this year and I feel like a right grumpy mare! Although I plaster on a smile and pretend to be far nicer than I really am. 🤣

@2024Melanie Shes too caught up in horses/dogs now

God forbid! Sounds like a great life to me

Great stealth sneer OP!

IME, it is the childed who end up lonelier along with those who do not maintain social connections outside the family.

This.

it is also incredibly smug.

I’m mid 50’s with three grown up DC and one of my best friends is early 60’s and hasn’t had DC. We have the same lifestyle, we both really love to travel, to spend time with our friends and family and arrange fun stuff to do. I can’t see any big differences between us.

Too caught up? What would you rather her be doing? It’s her life…and it sounds pretty good to me!