To wonder if DINKs will be more lonely when older?

[Aintbaint]

Ok, so hear me out. This isn’t an US v Them thread …
I have a lot of Double Income No Kids friends - for various reasons, mostly choice.
So for most career has been their main focus, followed by their partner… Most have been very financially comfortable, travelled a lot, able to afford holiday homes, successful work wise etc basically all the benefits of no kids!

But now we’re all in our late 40s and 50s and slowed down a bit, retired early, separated or divorced, Quite a few just seem to to have lost focus, seem a bit depressed or unhappy, and don’t have the same focal point that having kids can bring.
I stupidly thought that kids would get older and we’d have our independence back but obvs kids are always there in someways - you never stop worrying or thinking about them or doing stuff with them. So still that focal point in many ways and Indaynthat as someone who does have a FT job they like and hobbies…

YABU - of course DINKs are just as happy and not lonely etc

YANBU - it’s harder as you get older when it’s just you or you+partner and work isn’t as important or you retire

Have skim read parts of this thread - replying to a couple of the most recent .

@Salmonyumyum
I think that is a really good post in respect to changing attitudes towards ageing . Perhaps it's something we should all be focusing on - improved funding and taking away some of the stigma around old age. Perhaps improving assisted living provision so that it's somewhere people want to move to while they are still active and alert enough to make new friends around them, rather than it being seen as a last resort.

@Strawberriesandpears I remember your posts from last summer and I'm sorry that you still have such overwhelming anxiety around your situation . It's great that you are doing what you can in respect of making new friends, but it would also be helpful, I think, to address your anxiety with your GP.

@ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea Thank you. I remember you kindly giving me some good advice on my other thread. I have actually recently been to see my GP and have been prescribed medication, but it does not seem to be working (at least yet). I am also going to go to talking therapy (which I am starting ASAP).

So you thought MN was only for mums, but you also thought it was a sensible place to go to get a balanced opinion on your question? 🤦🏻‍♀️😂 Why would you think a group made up entirely of Mums would have any idea whether child free people are lonely?

‘So you thought MN was only for mums’

I thought MN was mainly for parents.yup.

And Dave tv is only for men named Dave 😂

And Yorkies aren't for girls!

Selective quoting again I see, so you don't have to address the valid point being made.

Why are people so jealous of those who never choose to have children it's weird
Furthermore this is what pets are for nobody has to be lonely when they have pets

I honestly don’t know why some people think it’s so astonishing that someone might think a parenting website created for parents, marketed at parents, and for the most part having subjects, recommends, a slant towards parents might think it’s mostly for parents.
I didn’t touch MN until I got pregnant, wasn’t even on my radar but then suddenly I was interested in all things baby, kids, being a mum etc.

You've had this question answered many times. Personally I first came over when I was unsure whether or not DH and I wanted children. I've stayed for things like AIBU, the relationships forum, the feminism chat etc. There's plenty that's not parenting related. But you know that, because it's been said multiple times. What you've not answered is why, if you were so sure that there were only parents on here, you started this discussion in the first place? Why did you want to speculate with other mums about whether childfree people would be lonelier, without ever hearing from an actual childfree person?

You do realise that there are infertility boards here right? Are people just supposed to fuck off if they don’t end up getting pregnant?

@KimberleyClark

Not to put myself in the firing line, but having dealt with trauma over fertility and gynae issues…. The last thing I wanted to be anywhere near was anything ‘mum’ related…. Even the word….

But equally, if people find a community and enjoy it they shouldn’t be barred relative to a specific set of criteria.

There was a woman recently who has set up a ‘anti-MN’ space for CF and in theory it is brilliant…. In practice even though the presentation of the site it beautiful, it is filled with hugely depressing stories focusing on infertility and huge amounts of anger at Mums… then there are the unrealistic pictures of globetrotting in tropical destinations - I don’t think all CF women fall into that stereotype do they?!

Anyway, besides my initial bafflement - because MN isn’t something I would have done if CF - it’s good to have a mix of opinions and not just one perspective.

It simply has a lot of traffic and I like to read and join in discussions, most are not parent-related. It's not like I weigh in on advice for raising kids! AIBU is pretty addictive and so is the royal family board right now. If the site was 100% parenting topics you might have a point OP...

It is completely astonishing that someone might think Mumsnet is just for parents.

An initial five minute glance around shows you that it is absolutely not for the most part about parenting or slanted that way. Just look at the talk subjects TV, Pets, Culture, Travel, Work, Health, Property, Politics, I could go on.

This thread has been an education in how a narrow view of the world and an absence of the desire to broaden one's knowledge can hamper a person's ability to understand things, people and their motivation. People who think like this bang on with their preconceived ideas in the light of all evidence to the contrary as anything outside the perifery of their vision doesn't exist and they have no bar on doing this as they think we are all as narrow as them.

I've followed the whole thread and read and reread the OP's original post. I still can't understand if her original point is that the childfree lack focus and are lonely or if they're better off than her because her child centric focus means she still has the worry of children and will never be free of it.

even on my radar but then suddenly I was interested in all things baby, kids, being a mum etc.

Have a quick look at the current AIBU thread topics. Do they look about all things child related to you?

No, there's a specific subsection for that. Which you've already been told.

Not to put myself in the firing line, but having dealt with trauma over fertility and gynae issues…. The last thing I wanted to be anywhere near was anything ‘mum’ related…. Even the word….

I’m not sure I would have wanted to be on Mumsnet either right after our IVF journey ended and we were trying to come to terms with being childless. But that journey ended over 20 years ago and I’ve moved on and have a happy life now. With a fair amount of globetrotting I might add. But that’s just me. Other people might feel differently. Especially now we have our own space on Mumsnet.

There was a woman recently who has set up a ‘anti-MN’ space for CF and in theory it is brilliant…. In practice even though the presentation of the site it beautiful, it is filled with hugely depressing stories focusing on infertility and huge amounts of anger at Mums… then there are the unrealistic pictures of globetrotting in tropical destinations - I don’t think all CF women fall into that stereotype do they?!

So you don’t want to read depressing infertility stories, but you don’t want to hear about childless women living their best lives either? What is it you do want?

Is it “Happy+Childless” you are talking about? I’m on that and don’t recognise your description of it.

The thing is, being child free isn't some major part of my personality that I need a special board for (not slagging off the subsection here, obviously there are times when there are relevant issues to discuss).

But in general, I just want to interact with other women and whether or not they have children will largely not be relevant or a big deal.

They're talking about Samantha Jane Walsh's Non Mum Network. Relevant to this thread:

Yeah, this.

Also tbh my mum lives 5+ hours away from all of her children and grandchildren. Sure we visit her once or twice a year, but her day to day/week to week life is not filled with us. My husband and his brother live way away from their parents, my aunt lives far from her mother, I live in a different country to my dad, my uncle is in a different country to his children. My sisters child who has moved out now lives a 4+ hour drive away. Most of my friends live in different towns/cities/counties from their parents. Honestly there's noone in my immediate circle who lives close to their parents or sees them on a weekly basis. How is it different to DINK or not to DINK? Feels like a vast majority of people end up living their own lives somewhere regardless.

Aah, ok. I’m a member of the Facebook page but didn’t know there was a website too.

An initial five minute glance around shows you that it is absolutely not for the most part about parenting or slanted that way. Just look at the talk subjects TV, Pets, Culture, Travel, Work, Health, Property, Politics, I could go on.

Yes...but...it's called mumsnet. It never ever occurred me to look at it before I was a mother. Sure once I was here I could see all those things you mentioned, there's loads on here for everyone. It's a great resource. But I wouldn't have been here to see it before I fulfilled the criteria as suggested by the name of the website. Hard to understand why that's astonishing.

Playing devils advocate...maybe she was someone who came here as a mum, thinking it was for mums, then realised the breadth and depth of the resources and types of people on here and decided to ask a question of the full population having realised that her initial assumption about the website was incorrect? I definitely assumed mn was for mums (not even parents) before interacting with it. However I came, I saw, I learned. Nice to be able to keep learning and growing as different experiences introduce you to new knowledge etc.

Also just realised this thread is 37 pages deep, I'm probably just repeating what has been said many times already! shhing up now.

Yes...but...it's called mumsnet. It neverever occurred me to look at it before I was a mother. Sure once I was here I could see all those things you mentioned, there's loads on here for everyone. It's a great resource. But I wouldn't have been here to see it before I fulfilled the criteria as suggested by the name of the website. Hard to understand why that's astonishing

It comes up in a lot of google searches if you're looking for info on a particular topic, and sometimes it hits the news (penis beaker) and it's pushed heavily on social media.