To wonder if DINKs will be more lonely when older?

[Aintbaint]

Ok, so hear me out. This isn’t an US v Them thread …
I have a lot of Double Income No Kids friends - for various reasons, mostly choice.
So for most career has been their main focus, followed by their partner… Most have been very financially comfortable, travelled a lot, able to afford holiday homes, successful work wise etc basically all the benefits of no kids!

But now we’re all in our late 40s and 50s and slowed down a bit, retired early, separated or divorced, Quite a few just seem to to have lost focus, seem a bit depressed or unhappy, and don’t have the same focal point that having kids can bring.
I stupidly thought that kids would get older and we’d have our independence back but obvs kids are always there in someways - you never stop worrying or thinking about them or doing stuff with them. So still that focal point in many ways and Indaynthat as someone who does have a FT job they like and hobbies…

YABU - of course DINKs are just as happy and not lonely etc

YANBU - it’s harder as you get older when it’s just you or you+partner and work isn’t as important or you retire

@Strawberriesandpears

Well I mean nobody ever thinks of bringing a child into the world just to serve their needs in the last few months or years of life….

That would be silly. It’s very labour intensive and costs about 230k to raise a child to 18… never mind Uni, house, deposit, car, wedding etc.

I really wanted to have DC anyway, but perceiving my immediate family all going and some of them being regretful did sway me.

And I really don’t consider when you have a loving relationship with someone, be that a partner, relation or friend, that it’s unreasonable to expect that they might be there for you in your hour of need, just as you have been there for them.

The point is there wasn’t a deep and meaningful relationship between me and my relations, beyond them feeling entitled that because they saw the family a few times a year and were leaving their amassed fortune (swallowed by care homes) that we should all bow down.

If you have a loving, caring, reciprocal relationship with someone you are never an inconvenience. You have decades to form strong associations with people, even if you feel there aren’t that many now.

It would definitely be very important to get some further support right now for you with everything going on with your parents. It can really take its toll. Please take care.

@Strawberriesandpears

Sending you a huge virtual hug, please take good care of yourself and reach out for support - there may be charities related to your parents health conditions that can help not only with them, but in getting some support for you.

I hope your Mum and Dad have more better days, I really empathise 💐

If nothing else, this thread has provided innumerable examples of why OP's "question" was nonsense. Having children guarantees nothing about future relationships, loneliness, or whatever, and its main purpose seems to have been to insult those who've chosen not to have them.

Thank you @Robinni for your kind messages.

I am having such a hard time with my mental health at the moment. I am so scared for the future. I want to form close bonds with people, but I just don't have the people to do that with. And I of course don't just want to take either, I really want to give. I feel I have nowhere to direct my love and I feel like an outsider in a world full of families.

@Strawberriesandpears apologies if this has been raised and I missed it, but are there any social/interest groups you'd be interested in joining near you? They can be a good way to ease into friendships, regardless of whether the other people have families. I'm in a couple of knitting groups run by my LYS, and while it's casual friendships it is friendship and socialising. I'm also effectively without family; my sister lives a continent away, I haven't seen or heard of my brother in over forty years (nor wish to) and my mother has just gone into care.

@Catsmere Thank you. I do have a lot of hobbies and interests and I am looking into joining some groups. I have had some good suggestions on a previous thread actually. I have also been using Bumble BFF (only for a couple of months so far) and have been talking to a couple of people who have the potential to become good friends I think. One of them is also an only child and is in a very similar position to me actually. Thank you again.

@Strawberriesandpears you're very welcome, good luck!

DINKWADs are a thing according to The Times yesterday - dual income and with a dog, who knew!

https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/4bf78dd7-fd6d-458a-8f66-12f7e1af1670?shareToken=28b0937f990b80f5d0f2ce31c775cf5f

I was going to make the obligatory dickwad joke but the article has already done so 🤣

And I think it’s great for DINKWADery to be normalised.

I am so sorry for the anxiety you feel. I am hoping this comes across kindly, but I felt quite sad reading you would like a child but you were put off not having one due to not having extended family.

Children can still have so much support around them that isn't extended family and still have wonderful childhoods. I have two brothers, both who live close by. Neither have kids and they make zero (and I mean zero, no cards, visits or texts) with me and my family. My husbands sinling lives 3 hours away but we have a strong network of friends up here so we always feel supported.

Likewise my cousin is an only child and on that side of the family there is a number of us similar ages. While we got on, my only child cousin was far closer to her own friends and even when she got married, didn't invite any of the cousins to her wedding as she viewed her friends more like family. A lot of the times, chosen family can be better than the families we are born with.

I'm a parent and I wanted children but I have many friends who chose not to have kids and they all lead perfectly happy and full lives. No one should have kids because they fear they will be lonely but if you're only reason for not wanting children is due to a lack of extended family it may be worth exploring this anxiety with a counsellor perhaps. Wishing you all the best.

My dinkwad friend has asked if I want to go to a dog friendly screening at a cinema near here! Didn’t know that was a thing.
I have said yes out of curiosity but won’t be brining my dog, sound like unnecessary hard work!

@Strawberriesandpears it does sound like you have a high level of anxiety that you should get some help with. While not enough people think about retirement (the amount of women without a pension is shocking) being in your mid thirties and looking at retirement homes is not healthy. I'm 47 and while I have half an eye on the future, building up my pension, ensuring the house is paid off etc, I'm living in the moment, planning nice things, I'm touring the USA with my partner for my 50th. That's the kind of thing you should be thinking about. It's always good to have a life outside your family, whether you have children or not. I speak from experience as I did that and my husband left me and I had very few friends or a social life. But I got one. Meet up is a great web site where you can start on line first. Facebook usually has social groups you can join. There's a female only one where I live that I made some great freinds in. I also volunteer a lot and I took up open swimming! Live your life. Don't look at care homes. But I do think you should get storm counseling to help you through your anxious thoughts. You deserve it. Xx

I’m pet free but their dog is cute and it’s always nice to hear about people treating their animals well when we so often hear the opposite.

Hah that article is fun! Her partners " tight as a walnut backside". 😁

I feel there is something seriously up with you. I get what you are implying: that there is something weird about not having kids but having a dog. Well, you have a dog too. It is a normal part of life to have pets - and is very different to being a parent, although many owners might disagree with me there.

it is a wonder to me that you who are at the heart of such a vibrant family life have any space in your mind to be so obsessed with people who are child free.

Yes, I have zero interest in other people's lives unless they affect mine. OP seems very keen to see into other people's brains and put them under a microscope.

But for some reason she wants to do it only with people who have the life she originally wanted.

@Senzafine

Here here!

I think as I have exemplified extended family can cause endless drama!

Some of my friends with kids live at considerable distance from family (for the time being). When having kids you go to baby/child groups, you can become involved in church, their hobbies, school community… tonnes of things that integrate you with others and there are usually good childcare options to allow you to go to work although many move to part time due to the cost.

In short if that is really what you want don’t be put off by lack of extended family. If you don’t want kids that is fine too - just work on getting out into the world and making connections with people - church, craft, fitness, youth and charity work, loads of options…

Mostly though, right now, you need therapy, self care, and to get more support dealing with your parents because it seems to be quite traumatic for you at the moment.

A media whippet 😂

Having failed in the 'child free people will lead a sad life and die alone' market OP is now throwing her all behind the 'child free people only have dogs for company and, oh, aren't dog friendly cinemas something we can sneer at and fight over' schtick.

There is a hell of a lot about life that OP 'didn't know that was a thing'.

Most of the ‘crazy dog people’ I know are parents, the majority are ‘empty nesters’ but not all. One of my relatives has two children who say they know their mum loves her dogs more than them and they can’t wait to move out. I don’t really get it, I think dogs are cute but I wouldn’t have one but if it’s not interfering in other relationships I think it’s nice that people have that love in their life and that the dog(s) are well looked after.

I've had quite a few elderly relatives pass away now and with or without children, none of them were content with their lives or proactive about improving their situation.

I think there has always been a lot of shame and stigma around aging and mental health, so when the time to make plans for the elder years has arrived so many people have traditionally stuck their heads in the sand and left it up to their children or other female family members (because let's face it, unpaid care usually falls on the woman). Even if you love this person deeply and would do anything for them, it's a lot to juggle and not everyone is going to be mentally, emotionally or practically equipped for it. It can feel unfair to be piled on to just one person's shoulders.

I think it's a widespread social issue around aging in general rather than something to blame on those without children. We have a system entirely based on having good family around you and this leaves people who don't have that, often through circumstance and no fault of their own, out in the cold. It doesn't foster any kind of wider community. Elderly people become invisible in society and are often ignored and left out; of course they're going to feel vulnerable and depressed. Particularly when they become less mobile and can't do the things they used to. My mother in law is very depressed because of this and it's so stressful for my husband because she's made poor choices and never addressed her mental health issues. He can't fix her brain for her. She needs community, friends, activity and purpose in her life, which is more than just one or two people can provide.

So I think if we assume that attitudes don't change and base our predictions solely on how previous generations have handled things then yeah, elderly people will be increasingly lonely. I'm rather more optimistic about it though and think that increasing numbers of people without children could turn the tide on social care and encourage more positivity in how we approach aging. There's more focus and information out there than ever before on healthy living and the importance of managing our mental health. Gen X and Millennials are going to be the first generations to have really started to focus on this. We're also the first ones to be really active online... It's going to be impossible to ignore old people in such numbers and I'm actually pretty excited to see how people will use social media to advocate for elder issues. I think we can choose to be there for each other and connect in a way that older people just couldn't in the past

Supply will meet demand too. I predict that we'll start seeing more businesses centred on advocating for and providing social support and services for elderly people, because there's going be money to be made from it. This can be both good and bad I think.

In my opinion, the top things to get sorted before becoming very old are to sort out a will, a statement of wishes and to appoint a financial power of attorney in case you lose capacity. I like the idea of using a solicitor for power of attorney because it's a lot of work, plus I think it helps protect you from people who might come sniffing around for money if you start to lose cognition. I've seen it happen and it's awful. If your financial affairs are overseen by a solicitor I think unscrupulous types are more likely to not bother you, or at least get caught out pretty early on.

Power of attorney for your welfare is important too but currently I have no idea who I would look to for that. I wouldn't want to ask it of my nieces and nephews and they're all scattered about anyway. My long term aim is to improve my mental health to a point that I can be consistently more sociable and make some good, lifelong (slightly younger, lol) friends who might be close enough to care. A long term project over the next three decades or so. 😉

Having children is no guarantee of having company. Both my sister and I left our birth country so my parents have lived without us near them for 40 years. My sister and I can't go back to our birth place except for holidays.

@fedupwithbeingcold who’s with them then?