My DH has hidden his true income from me... but why?!

[PurpleTrees123]

Together 15 years, married 10 years, 2 kids. we are happy. Name changed but regular mnetter.

Short version:
DH salary is £42.5k.
His commission bumped his income up to £97k last year, but he has never mentioned this.
AIBU to think he should have mentioned this at some point?

Long version:
DH basic salary is currently £42.5k. his monthly income only just covers his share
of the bills, so he rarely has any more left to add to savings pots, pay off
the mortgage etc.

My salary is more than DH's. I am a good saver, so I set aside my savings first,
and then decide what to do with the left over. I might save some more, I might
spend.

We have separate finances (I know this divides opinions on here!) We get paid into our own bank accounts, and then transfer a set amount each month to a joint account. All bills are paid from the joint account. We are then left with our
own pots of money to do as we wish.

Generally this has worked well for both of us as I am a good saver, so despite the fact I earn more, I also will save for big ticket items and pay for those.... new
boiler, holiday, big days out, family meals, theatre tickets etc.

I feel confident that this has been an even split over the years. And for many
years, DH took home more than I did.

Today, the post has been delivered and there are several letters in there. As I went through them, there are 3 letters from the Inland Revenue. 2 letters are in small brown envelopes, nothing unusual.

One of the letters was bigger and had a large window where the name and address is. Through the window, I could instantly see the words, Income: £97,000

I can’t unsee this. I didn’t go looking for this. It’s actually shocking how it is so clear. I guess it’s the way the letter has been drafted and folded, and this info just happened to end up in the window and be so visible.

Now I don’t know what to do… only yesterday we were talking about job hunting and he was saying that he needs to earn more money as he doesn’t like feeling like he always owes me money for things (I just paid for a big holiday out of the savings).

He has potential to earn commission in his role, but at no point has he ever alluded to the fact he has doubled his basic income. All this time I am thinking he earns much less than me, and I have been paying for things out of the savings to make things fairer. His car needed a full service and work done recently and I even offered to pay for that. He didn’t take me up.

I can’t think what he has spent his money on. We have 2 nice cars – we pay for these monthly and I know how much this costs. Our children do lots of activities, but again this is all out of the joint account so I know how much these cost.

We hardly eat out. He doesn’t have a shopping habit, we don’t belong to expensive clubs. We both WFH mostly, and spend all weekends together.

If I can save money each month, then how has he ended up with not enough to even contribute to joint holidays, and say he needs a better paid job?!

I recognise we are financially comfortable, and I am not here for a debate on
WHAT we spend our money on. We both pay into pensions.

AIBU in thinking he should have told me his whole income, rather than let me think he only earns his basic salary. I feel a bit of a mug to be honest.

Or is it none of my business? He hasn’t actually lied… I’ve never asked him what he took home last year. But at the same time, I had no idea his earning potential was that high!

What do you mean it'll reduce it to sub £30k? Do you mean it'll reduce by £30k?

Difference between 42.5k and 97k is 54.5k. Less 40% tax, less national insurance, pension contribution and that 54.5k difference becomes sub 30k.

Still not a bad bit of wedge, but a significantly lower difference than the headline might immediately suggest.

As @Britpop123 said

You earn 100k, he earns/earned 40k and he paid an equal share to the bills.

If roles were reversed, the whole of MN would be screaming he's a miser and it should be 70% him, 30% you in bills.

You've gotten away with 50:50 AND you agreed ages ago that you'd have separate finances! This basically means that as long as he is paying his share to bills, the rest is 100% his!

All the above posts are so hypocritical.

Op you keep saying "it works for us" when now clearly it doesnt. Ommission of the facts is lying, thats how I see it anyway. He should have told you he had this extra money so that you could jointly then agree how to deal with it.

FWIW I have been on MN for years and years and every time someone mentions this sort of financial arrangement it never ever has a positive or happy ending.

My concern now if I were you would be what has he spent it on (gambling, drugs etc) and if he has saved it what is he saving for and why hasnt some of it made its way into the joint pot.

Yes, but this is one reason why so many of us don't like it. You can't actually have truly separate finances if you're married anyway; if you didn't want to share money, why did you marry? But if you do have these split finances, it's easier to argue that it's his money and not your business.

I'm sorry op but you are making very contradictory statements.
In the original post you wrote

Now I don’t know what to do… only yesterday we were talking about job hunting and he was saying that he needs to earn more money as he doesn’t like feeling like he always owes me money for things (I just paid for a big holiday out of the savings

"You" paid for a big holiday making your partner feel like he owes you money, doesn't sound like either of you sees "your savings" as family money.

Truthfully if I was earning 42k, my partner was earning 100k, but all the expenses were 50:50, effectively subsidising the other persons savings and then made to feel like I'm constantly owing the other person, I'd probably also hide any bonuses/commission I received.

Honestly I would talk to him.

There isn’t a joint pot. OP’s been stashing money away for years and keeping complete control of it while the husband she thought earned less than half she did contributed 50% of the bills. I’d be interested to know how much she’s got in her personal savings account. I expect her bloke would too.

Totally agree with this - she would be told absolutely not to tell her OH and to be financially sensible and keep it incase she needs it as an emergency 🤷‍♀️

Discovering that your partner has a significantly higher income than previously believed can indeed be startling and lead to feelings of confusion, betrayal, or mistrust, especially in a long-term relationship where financial transparency is expected. Here's how you might approach this situation:

1. *Reflect on Your Feelings*: Before bringing up the topic, take some time to understand why you feel the way you do. Is it the lack of transparency, the missed opportunities for financial planning, or concerns about what the extra income has been spent on? Identifying your feelings will help you communicate more effectively.

1. *Choose a Good Time to Talk*: Find a quiet, private time when neither of you is stressed or distracted. This conversation requires both of your full attention and should not be rushed.

1. *Communicate Openly and Calmly*: Start the conversation from a place of wanting to understand rather than accuse. You might say something like, "I accidentally saw a letter from the Inland Revenue about your income last year, and I was surprised to see it was quite a bit higher than I thought. Can we talk about this?" This opens the door for dialogue without immediately putting him on the defensive.

1. *Express Your Feelings Using "I" Statements*: Rather than saying "You never told me...", say "I feel [emotion] because I thought...". This helps keep the conversation from becoming accusatory and focuses on how the situation affects you.

1. *Discuss Financial Goals and Transparency*: Use this as an opportunity to discuss how you both view finances in your marriage. Even if you keep separate accounts, being married and sharing responsibilities means that transparency about finances is crucial. Talk about your goals, both short-term and long-term, and how you can work together to achieve them.

1. *Revisit Your Financial Arrangements*: This might be a good time to discuss whether your current system of managing finances separately but together works for both of you. Consider if a more unified approach or regular financial check-ins might prevent similar issues in the future.

1. *Seek Understanding, Not Blame*: Try to understand his perspective—there might be reasons he chose not to disclose this information. While it doesn't excuse the lack of transparency, understanding his reasoning can help you both move forward.

1. *Professional Advice*: If this conversation opens up larger issues about trust or financial management, you might find it helpful to speak with a financial advisor or a couples' therapist. These professionals can offer guidance tailored to your specific situation.

Remember, the goal of this conversation is to improve your partnership by fostering understanding and transparency. It's about finding a way forward that respects both of your needs and contributions to the relationship.

The thing that really stands out to me is this from the original post

"Now I don’t know what to do… only yesterday we were talking about job hunting and he was saying that he needs to earn more money as he doesn’t like feeling like he always owes me money for things (I just paid for a big holiday out of the savings"

You have a joint minimum income of £142k, yet one of you is being made to feel like shit and not good enough.
I would consider that abuse and not a healthy relationship.

Perhaps the husband has been feeling short and run up balances on cards. Extra money comes in, paid them off.

Why can't you change your arrangement? Separate finances clearly aren't working. You both feel resentful and he doesn't want to be honest about his earnings. If it all went into one pot with equal "spending money" for each of you, would you be unable to agree on joint purchases and how much to save?

You need to sit down and talk to him. It could be a mistake, but it could be that he's hiding income. Either way it needs sorting.

I experienced this and it turned out he had been paying in £40k to his pension year after year and never mentioning it.

Lol, again, imagine the uproar on MN had roles been reversed and this were a man.

"I earn 100k and my wife earns 40k. We split the bills 50:50 because 'reasons'. This has meant i can save quite a lot, while she is broke evrry month... its veen a fantastic arrangement! I have just found out she got a promotion and is now earning 100k too. This gives me access to more money, I now think we should pool it into a joint account".

This is basically what's being asked.

HMRC only write to me to tell me that they've received my payment - and that letter is in a plain brown envelope with no 'window' to see through. Plus the sheet is double folded and there is NO WAY that anyone could read anything about my income through the envelope.

I'd call this as a fake letter, scam, whatever.

If you're positive he's taking home considerably more than he's been letting on this stands out:

his monthly income only just covers his share of the bills, so he rarely has any more left to add to savings pots, pay off the mortgage etc.

I would be fuming as he's continuing to let you pay the mortgage, put money into savings, pay for big ticket items (holidays etc) ... all while he merrily keeps/spends his tens of thousands of extra pounds without a word.

Not on. At all.

I've just had a quick look at letters I've received from HMRC and there is no way anyone would be able to see the financial information on them without opening the envelope.

So - either a massive data breach which he should report.

Or - a scam or other fiction.

Me too

I'm really bored of people coming on to a forum that they know is largely composed of women (maybe not so much these days) and being outraged that it centres women. As it is, we get a ton of threads about actual financial abuse of women by men every sodding day, including ones being made to pay 50:50 when they're on mat leave, recovering from childbirth or forced to work less or not at all for childcare reasons, including when children have additional needs. All you're doing is demonstrating how many shits you don't give about the scenario that is way, way more common.

But the system clearly isn't working here. OP, why can't you pool your money?

Clearly you will talk to him about it as you are not being unreasonable to be upset. However it sounds like either the letter is a scam for the salary to be visible, or that you have opened it and don't want to admit that!

People criticizing the 50/50 split, that is not the issue as that is an agreement made with op being honest about her finances. Maybe (if the letter isn't a scam), DH was unhappy with that split and decided to secretly keep his commission, but the issue would be the secrecy when it sounds like there have been opportunities for open discussion about finances and budgets, where he could have suggested a different arrangement

Yeah, I did the same. My bet is scam or some other fiction. This just isn't plausible.

I wouldn't hesitate to open the letter. Or approach him with the unopened letter and ask to see it.

Because on the face of it, it sounds like he's avoiding paying his way. Which is extremely unattractive.

Anything response like "you didn't ask" or "I thought you knew" would make me rearrange finances for the future.

You don’t know for sure what the letter is about because you saw only a small part of it. So in my opinion YABU for not discussing it with him.
He may be secretive but so are you.

It needs to be out in the open and discussed.