My DH has hidden his true income from me... but why?!

[PurpleTrees123]

Together 15 years, married 10 years, 2 kids. we are happy. Name changed but regular mnetter.

Short version:
DH salary is £42.5k.
His commission bumped his income up to £97k last year, but he has never mentioned this.
AIBU to think he should have mentioned this at some point?

Long version:
DH basic salary is currently £42.5k. his monthly income only just covers his share
of the bills, so he rarely has any more left to add to savings pots, pay off
the mortgage etc.

My salary is more than DH's. I am a good saver, so I set aside my savings first,
and then decide what to do with the left over. I might save some more, I might
spend.

We have separate finances (I know this divides opinions on here!) We get paid into our own bank accounts, and then transfer a set amount each month to a joint account. All bills are paid from the joint account. We are then left with our
own pots of money to do as we wish.

Generally this has worked well for both of us as I am a good saver, so despite the fact I earn more, I also will save for big ticket items and pay for those.... new
boiler, holiday, big days out, family meals, theatre tickets etc.

I feel confident that this has been an even split over the years. And for many
years, DH took home more than I did.

Today, the post has been delivered and there are several letters in there. As I went through them, there are 3 letters from the Inland Revenue. 2 letters are in small brown envelopes, nothing unusual.

One of the letters was bigger and had a large window where the name and address is. Through the window, I could instantly see the words, Income: £97,000

I can’t unsee this. I didn’t go looking for this. It’s actually shocking how it is so clear. I guess it’s the way the letter has been drafted and folded, and this info just happened to end up in the window and be so visible.

Now I don’t know what to do… only yesterday we were talking about job hunting and he was saying that he needs to earn more money as he doesn’t like feeling like he always owes me money for things (I just paid for a big holiday out of the savings).

He has potential to earn commission in his role, but at no point has he ever alluded to the fact he has doubled his basic income. All this time I am thinking he earns much less than me, and I have been paying for things out of the savings to make things fairer. His car needed a full service and work done recently and I even offered to pay for that. He didn’t take me up.

I can’t think what he has spent his money on. We have 2 nice cars – we pay for these monthly and I know how much this costs. Our children do lots of activities, but again this is all out of the joint account so I know how much these cost.

We hardly eat out. He doesn’t have a shopping habit, we don’t belong to expensive clubs. We both WFH mostly, and spend all weekends together.

If I can save money each month, then how has he ended up with not enough to even contribute to joint holidays, and say he needs a better paid job?!

I recognise we are financially comfortable, and I am not here for a debate on
WHAT we spend our money on. We both pay into pensions.

AIBU in thinking he should have told me his whole income, rather than let me think he only earns his basic salary. I feel a bit of a mug to be honest.

Or is it none of my business? He hasn’t actually lied… I’ve never asked him what he took home last year. But at the same time, I had no idea his earning potential was that high!

I've just checked both the letters I've had from HMRC in the last few weeks (including a tax code change letter) and there is absolutely no way that my income can be seen anywhere near the envelope window. It doesn't matter how I fold them. In fact my income isn't indicated on the tax code notice at all. Only the amount of my income that is tax free, and my personal allowance are shown.

OP are you going to speak to him about this? Anything else is not helpful at this stage, you’re literally married, he’s been deliberately withholding very big information. You really need to speak to him about this ASAP.

How is your marriage generally OP? Might he be 'getting his ducks in a row'?

I don't put a set amount in every year though because my commission isn't guaranteed so it would be forever wrong. Although I didn't actually know you could do that.

We organise our income much the same way, and have done for over 40 years. So not unusual.

I would have a conversation with him to say that you glanced at the info through the window and express that you were astonished that the Inland Revenue seem to think you earn so much. Smile while you say it. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

I'm sorry, but I honestly don't believe that HMRC would send anything out in a format that made confidential information visible via the envelope window.
Their documentation will have been designed specifically to make sure that this can't happen.

So let's not talk of ducks in a row. This is either a scam letter or the OP is trolling.

Until you have that conversation you won't know if this really is his income amount, or you just caught a glimpse at an example figure.

@PurpleTrees123
This is exactly what I would do too. I'd sit down with him at the table with the envelope and have that conversation.
Then I'd wait for his reaction.

We can't advise much until you actually sit down with him and talk and ask what's what.
It could be anything from bad things (cheating,secret family,debt,gambling) to good things (saving for a bigger house/improvements, or overpaying his pension, other pots/investments for your future etc) or a scam/mistake.

Just open the letter OP! Say you did it by accident!

I would be very hurt by this.

Have you seen him yet OP?

This is what I'd do

Were you really splitting bills 50/50 when you thought he earned less than half of what you earned? 😲 I wouldn’t see this as fair at all!

But definitely speak to him. Secrets like this in a marriage can never be good. That’s if he is indeed keeping a secret. However, if he’s not and it’s a mistake I’d suggest looking at you both paying bills as a % of income.

W

when I was on statutory maternity leave / pay I saved hard and used my savings to see me through both occasions. DH didn't top me up.

This is one of the most meanspirited things I have read.

Do you have any joint savings at all? Do you mean he's just let you pay for an expensive holiday, when he's earning double what he said and hiding the evidence?

If he is paying half the bills and you run things on that type of arrangement, what business is it of yours what he earns?

You will never get a genuine HMRC letter where someone's income is visible through the address window.

Setting that aside, can he have been hiding £55k income from you every year? Really?

im sorry but did you not understand the op? Where she pays foe everting else extra they need as she thought he earned less? Or that he’s her husband and they have two kids?

Yeah I agree, there is no way that is possible. And they aren’t manually folded.

Yeah, I think it's become increasingly clear that this is a wind-up. The OP has confidently asserted that it's legitimate and looks like a tax code notice, but that's not really possible.

I haven't RTFT (not all of it anyway) so others may be saying the same but, how do you know it's not a complete error?
I/DH spent two hours on the phone to HMRC this week trying to sort out a number of errors.

1. They insist I owe a certain amount Tax/NI - I don't, they've got the figure wrong and my accountant has spoken to them more than once to confirm it but they've still sent another letter with the incorrect amount.
2. They actually owe us money from the last tax year, they've confirmed it more than once (should have been paid before Christmas), still haven't had it despite them saying it would be paid by now. Current estimate is mid April (I asked how much interest I can add on, because they're adding interest on to the amount I (don't) owe them - they didn't find that amusing)
3. Despite DDs being 20 and 21, and at Uni, DH has had the Child Benefit deduction still applied to his account since after the youngest finished school. As we've set up our business since then, and he hasn't been able to take a salary high enough yet to make a difference, we haven't actually lost out financially (yet) but we have told them about this more than once, still not adjusted.
4. Again, despite not earning above minimum on our new business yet, they've been taxing DH pensions at the higher rate tax since his salary dropped - not sure how much they owe us for that yet.

At this point, if I saw a letter like that from HMRC I'd be perfectly willing to believe all of it was a work of fiction tbh.

Because all of OPs additional income is used for the family, whilst he hoards (or spends) his in secret. Why should OP be the only one funding holidays etc?

Just ask him about it.

Don’t worry about what others say. We do exactly the same. Have been married 23 years and have never argued about money 😀

There is no way on God's Earth that an HMRC letter stating 'earnings 97k' could be seen through an envelope window.
No way.
Either its a scam, or you are mistaken.

Or did you open the letter?