My DH has hidden his true income from me... but why?!

[PurpleTrees123]

Together 15 years, married 10 years, 2 kids. we are happy. Name changed but regular mnetter.

Short version:
DH salary is £42.5k.
His commission bumped his income up to £97k last year, but he has never mentioned this.
AIBU to think he should have mentioned this at some point?

Long version:
DH basic salary is currently £42.5k. his monthly income only just covers his share
of the bills, so he rarely has any more left to add to savings pots, pay off
the mortgage etc.

My salary is more than DH's. I am a good saver, so I set aside my savings first,
and then decide what to do with the left over. I might save some more, I might
spend.

We have separate finances (I know this divides opinions on here!) We get paid into our own bank accounts, and then transfer a set amount each month to a joint account. All bills are paid from the joint account. We are then left with our
own pots of money to do as we wish.

Generally this has worked well for both of us as I am a good saver, so despite the fact I earn more, I also will save for big ticket items and pay for those.... new
boiler, holiday, big days out, family meals, theatre tickets etc.

I feel confident that this has been an even split over the years. And for many
years, DH took home more than I did.

Today, the post has been delivered and there are several letters in there. As I went through them, there are 3 letters from the Inland Revenue. 2 letters are in small brown envelopes, nothing unusual.

One of the letters was bigger and had a large window where the name and address is. Through the window, I could instantly see the words, Income: £97,000

I can’t unsee this. I didn’t go looking for this. It’s actually shocking how it is so clear. I guess it’s the way the letter has been drafted and folded, and this info just happened to end up in the window and be so visible.

Now I don’t know what to do… only yesterday we were talking about job hunting and he was saying that he needs to earn more money as he doesn’t like feeling like he always owes me money for things (I just paid for a big holiday out of the savings).

He has potential to earn commission in his role, but at no point has he ever alluded to the fact he has doubled his basic income. All this time I am thinking he earns much less than me, and I have been paying for things out of the savings to make things fairer. His car needed a full service and work done recently and I even offered to pay for that. He didn’t take me up.

I can’t think what he has spent his money on. We have 2 nice cars – we pay for these monthly and I know how much this costs. Our children do lots of activities, but again this is all out of the joint account so I know how much these cost.

We hardly eat out. He doesn’t have a shopping habit, we don’t belong to expensive clubs. We both WFH mostly, and spend all weekends together.

If I can save money each month, then how has he ended up with not enough to even contribute to joint holidays, and say he needs a better paid job?!

I recognise we are financially comfortable, and I am not here for a debate on
WHAT we spend our money on. We both pay into pensions.

AIBU in thinking he should have told me his whole income, rather than let me think he only earns his basic salary. I feel a bit of a mug to be honest.

Or is it none of my business? He hasn’t actually lied… I’ve never asked him what he took home last year. But at the same time, I had no idea his earning potential was that high!

I'd hand it over when he walks in the door and ask him to open it there and then "dh, open this please, that figure there has tk be wrong right?"

His reaction will tell you what you need to know.

I’d show him the letter, unopened, and say look I can see income of 97k here. What’s going on?

I'd be making him open it in front of me the second he walks through the door.

Not what I would be advising. Lying about your salary to your spouse is a concern whichever way round it is.

If the letter is genuine, I would also take a photo showing that the income figure was visible through the window and complain to HMRC, as that is a personal data breach on their part.

(Personally I think that a number being visible is what makes it likely to be a scam.)

I'd certainly do it this way. Then say 'you need to get in touch with them asap... you don't want to be taxed on that lot!'

Sounds very strange- I really cannot imagine a letter from HMRC that would look like that. So might be a scam or maybe you’ve misread the figures- either way the only thing to do is ask him.

It may be HMRC asking for child benefit to be repaid as they have clocked his income is over 50k.

Op did you assume you were both under 50k?

I didn’t expect so many response!

I file a tax return myself as earn about £100k
No child benefit these days. Haven’t claimed it for years.
It’s definitely legitimate. Looks like a tax code change letter.
It’s not joint income.
He’s not on drugs.
He doesn’t have expensive hobbies
I suppose it could be gambling.

Bills & everything split 50/50

I hadn’t considered this worthy of LTB… I’m just pissed off to be honest. He’s clearly earned way more commission than I ever thought possible! If he is indeed mugging me off, then well, I’d like to know why.

I will speak to him. He’s not home at the moment. Probably at the bookie’s, or more hopefully, at the travel agent 🙏

Sorry dear, I opened this by mistake as you don't have to file tax returns.... imagine my surprise.......?
Where's the money gone dear? [aside from the massive wedge to HMRC, the sods]

If it's definitely legitimate (and I would make doubly sure on this point, because scams are common), he needs to complain to HMRC about the data breach.

He also owes you an explanation for his failure to be open about his earnings. And the two of you need to have an open conversation about the household finances and how you manage them.

I guess a massive chunk would be tax etc. could he be paying extra into a pension/private healthcare plan? He may be oblivious. I know of many people that don't even look at payslips. I think it's worth a discussion and I hope you get the answers soon.

Of course this is your business, you're a married couple.

I'd be fuming.

But I believe money should be one pot in a marriage. So understand you may feel differently.

But I'd honestly be biblical levels of raging.

Very sneaky and mean. Unless he's saving it for the benefit of the family and doesn't want you frittering it away. If he's saving it for himself then that's pretty miserable. Especially allowing you to pay for the new household appliances

Hmm interesting update OP
You earn £100k you thought your DP earned £42k but the bills and everything are 50:50
If anything you're mugging him off.

She also writes a lot about how she has been able to save money for herself.

I wonder if DH has been able to put aside any savings of his own in this time?

.

I would be worried that he is gambling the excess hence him saying he needs to earn more.

I guess everything 50:50 from now on depending on what the truth turns out to be.

Even if he's saving for the benefit of the family, he should have been honest about what he was bringing in.

Decisions about savings, mortgage overpayment, or spending on big ticket items should be for the couple to discuss and agree together, not for one person to do in secret. (Except in cases of abuse, where an abused partner might need secret savings to help them escape.)

Good point. Although the OP does seem to cover most big ticket/discretionary spending - it's likely that the split still isn't equitable though.

IMO, all money should go into a joint pot, then once everything is paid (including family savings), they each get 50% of what's left over to save/spend as they wish.

What kind of HMRC letter starts with the income figure, thats not shown on tax code letters I've had in the past

It has been a while since I've had one so maybe they've changed but it seems odd that you'd see that figure

Actually I earn about 78kpa. Mainly comms based. Whilst my salary is PAYE I contribute to a private pension scheme and due to this have to complete an annual tax return because my SIPP will add 20% to my private pension but I have to do a return to get the additional 20% refunded to me.

I think this is a problem with separate finances in a long marriage - each side seems more mindful of preserving their financial privacy and personal savings pot, instead of both determined to say pay down the mortgage for the benefit of the family unit.

You don't actually have to complete a tax return just for SIPP payments. It can be adjusted by HMRC through your tax code if you notify them of the amounts.

You may wish to do a tax return regardless, but you definitely aren't obliged to. (I work in this field).