To bring DD friend away instead of DSD

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I’m taking DD11 away in a few months time to Rome for a long weekend. This is a birthday treat for her.

My husband (her dad) will be staying at home with our youngest.

DD asked if a friend could come and after searching for some deals I said she could. This is now booked for me, dd & her friend.

The problem that’s occurred recently is my DSD15 has recently found out I’m taking DD to Rome and has made noises about it being unfair that she’s not coming. DSDs mum has messaged tonight to ask why is DD friend is coming instead of DSD.

Am I being unreasonable taking DD friend? As it’s what my DD wants.

Just incase it gets asked. I paid for this trip out of my own wages, my OH has not paid for it.

Does your DD get taken on holiday by DSD's mum ?

Nope, saying it’s pointless to ask if she’s being unreasonable when she just doesn’t think she is. Why not make a thread saying just after opinions on this situation

That would be quite psychologically unhealthy for her to be encouraged to view it like that.

She's not being treated differently, her father and half brother aren't invited either.

She gets special attention from her own mother.

If anything it's OPs kids who have been treated differently.

DSD gets holidays with two sets of parents.

Up until now OPs kids haven't been away with just her.

She doesn't need separate holidays with two bio parents AND a step parent.

OPs kids don't get three sets of holidays.

And once again, OPs DH and DS aren't going.

Why not make a thread saying just after opinions on this situation

That's what she's done. You're not picking because you disagree with her but 94% of people agree with her.

Don't think the dynamic would be particularly different; if one was drinking/partying age and the other was a child, or if one was 4 and the other 11 it would be different. Not really seeing what an 11 year old and 15 year old will want to do differently in Rome, it will be the same eating pizza and gelato, peering in the designer shops, walking around the coliseum etc.

This really doesn't matter, OP is taking her daughter and the person her daughter chose to go with her. It's nothing to do with the other child whatsoever

Eyes rolling as how some posters have to take the ‘first family’s’ side at all costs.

The equivalent of OP taking her daughter is DSD’s mum taking DSD. Nobody would expect OP’s daughter to be included!
Not sure why her dad now needs to take DSD to another trip on her own… and surly he would then need to do a similar trip with each of his children on their own, no?

What?! I had the most miserable holiday of my life when I was 16 and was on a family holiday with my pre-teen siblings! I wanted to do nothing that they wanted, and vice versa!

When DSD's mum takes DSD anywhere does she invite your daughter?

Therein lies your response to DSD's mum.

Definitely not my experience of taking kids on school trips throughout my teaching career.

No school or college I've worked in would take Year 6/7s away to Rome with Year 11/12. They do have very different interests. My 16 year old cousins totally changed the dynamic of our family holidays when I was 11/12 and me and my cousin the same age were into totally different things leading to quite a bit of tension between parents and uncles/aunts as the 16 year olds seemed to dictate everything and keep causing drama when everything didn't go their way regarding being bought things in expensive designer shops, trying alcohol, wanting to stalk "sexy" waiters and flying off in a temper when family chose a different restaurant where they didn't work while us two younger ones were quite happy to potter round museums, arcades,
play on the beach and more easygoing, not liking the tension, needing slightly earlier nights. Not to mention the absolute hysterics when us two younger ones were bought a souvenir each and the older girls perceived they'd cost more (we'd saved Christmas/Birthday Money and parents contributed half as holiday spends for the last day, teens were given the same money at the beginning and blew it on cocktails and beachwear within days). I can well imagine if OP wants to buy her DD a nice gift whilst away SD will kick off and conveniently forget all the money and treats she got for her own birthday, given her current behaviour.

It would absolutely change the dynamic and it's much worse when it's supposed to be one child's special treat.

But that response would make no sense unless sd mum is step mother to OPs daughter and a part of her family

Because lots of us think she's not?

It also doesn't make sense expecting OP to work 16 days of overtime to pay for a trip for her step-daughter. The DSD has her own parents who can make sacrifices for her, you don't get to co-opt the step-mum to make those sacrifices.

If your DsD gets taken places by her
mother without your DD being invited, then there should not be any expectation on you to take DsD.

I find it weird that you are not taking your DS, but each to their own.

It's not a family holiday, it's a birthday treat. Ask BM if she is planning to bring your DD on holiday next time she takes DSD away- after all, they must be treated equally at all times.

I would reply, "This is DD's birthday trip. She's in charge of the guest list not us. Brother isn't coming either so he and DSD can be miffed together if they like.,"

Regardless of whether the 11 and 16 year olds will like the same thing… OP’s DD wants HER FRIEND there on the trip with her. She has expressed this preference I presume quite clearly to her mum.

There is only space for one of them and OP’s dd has chosen her friend. So I think it’s pointless looking for reasons why DSD should come because she isn’t coming. End of story. Stop trying to guilt trip Op for putting her DD’s feelings first on her birthday.

Suggest to her mum she gets planning a trip for dsd and a friend. That way dsd will have the same. If her mum can’t afford it or can’t manage it then unfortunately that’s just the way it sometimes is when kids have different parents.

There are plenty of first children who get nice opportunities and experiences while the second children don’t.

She asked and the thread has overwhelmingly confirmed her initial thought that she isn't being unreasonable. Now she has that confirmation, she's holding firm in her views which is fine.

You'd have a point if the majority disagreed with OP and she wasn't listening but that's not the case.

I already posted in the opening post saying I was paying for the trip, not DH.

Because they are married 🤦🏼‍♀️. Nuts this site sometimes