To bring DD friend away instead of DSD

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I’m taking DD11 away in a few months time to Rome for a long weekend. This is a birthday treat for her.

My husband (her dad) will be staying at home with our youngest.

DD asked if a friend could come and after searching for some deals I said she could. This is now booked for me, dd & her friend.

The problem that’s occurred recently is my DSD15 has recently found out I’m taking DD to Rome and has made noises about it being unfair that she’s not coming. DSDs mum has messaged tonight to ask why is DD friend is coming instead of DSD.

Am I being unreasonable taking DD friend? As it’s what my DD wants.

Just incase it gets asked. I paid for this trip out of my own wages, my OH has not paid for it.

Yes, any of the children should be able to have one on one time with parent/s without the others and it not be a problem.

my point is, OPs two children have both their parents present to have one on one time with easily. If the DSD is not really getting that in either household because of limited time/new family dynamics then her dad and mum should be addressing that as a separate issue. A lot of the time it is accidentally overlooked and causes jealousy/resentment which could be the case here.

the solution isn’t for op to have to take her with them, it’s to make sure she feels prioritised every now and again too so all the kids feel valued.

suggesting she needs a trip or something of an equal value is ridiculous, she just needs to feel like she has the full attention of her parents every now and again.

So that's on SD mum to do yes. If dad did something for SD and not the others then that's unfair on OPs DC. So the fairest thing of all is the children's own DMs doing it separately for each child, and if dad does something it then applies to all DC. No?

So because my son isn’t acting bratty and complaining about coming he’s irrelevant. He’s not irrelevant to the situation at all. He’s being very mature about it and if I was going to bring any other children I was related too then of course I would pick him.

It’s also not like my DSD gets nothing for her birthday. Last year she had £200 spent on her in gifts as well as a meal out on the evening and a day out to a trampoline park+Bowling (her choice). She is not hard done by.

You are right… all my children will get the same over time from me but my children consist of my daughter and my son.
DSD mum is more then welcome to take her to Rome or anywhere else on the planet.

If my OH wants to take away the kids individually then he can also! He has in fact took them all camping a couple of years ago and I didn’t go.

Why have you asked if you are being unreasonable taking a friend instead of DSD when you disagree with anyone who says that you are?

I don't follow the logic of posters who point out that the step daughter's mother doesn't take OP's daughter away. Of course she doesn't, OP's daughter isn't part of that family, she has no connection to her step sister's mother. But the step sister has a strong connection to OP, having been her step daughter for many years.

It's fine. Your son isn't going either. My sister recently took her DD on a city trip leaving her two DSs at home with DH

DSD probably wants to go to Rome and is jealous, that's fine we all get jealous when people go to nice places. It'd be different if DS + DH were going with your, then I would think DSD should go.

You don’t owe CF ex any explanation, justification or headspace. Your DD is none of her business. Stop fretting and set some boundaries, OP.

I'd reply to the mum

"I have two children. I am taking one of them away for their birthday, and the other one is staying home. Dh has three children. He is not taking any of his children on holiday. I fail to see how my actions have anything to do with you. If you feel that dh is treating his three children unfairly, in relation to your shared child, I suggest you take it up with him"

FGS this is not a post about step siblings being treated differently! Maybe if both OP and DH and both their children together were going it would be, but this is dd birthday treat with her friend! Does dsd mum take her anywhere or with a friend without her step siblings? Of course she does. Next time dsd mum takes her anywhere, insist she take your dcs! No, you wouldn’t do that, because it’s ridiculous!

If you like DSD tell her mum she can pay for her to come on the trip. You can leave it implied that your DD's friend is paying her own way if you haven't already said otherwise.

If you don't like her you don't have to explain yourself or do anything different.

I can see why you are saying that, @Idontjetwashthefucker, and I don't disagree with you - but the OP did say she was going to talk to her stepdaughter, so I suggested she talk to her dh first so there is some sort of plan in place before she speaks to the SD. I just think the conversation may go better if it's not just 'You aren't going and this is why' but also 'And this is what we want to do for your birthday'.

It's nothing to do with any "connection".

The SD gets uninterrupted time on holiday with her own mother.

OP is NOT her mother.

The OP wants to take her own daughter on holiday for some uninterrupted mother daughter time, which SD already gets on her trips with HER mother.

When she goes away with HER mother, her half siblings from her father rightly don't go.

But she's trying to insist that her half sibling doesn't get the same experience with her own mother. It's not up to her to dictate what experiences her step mother gives to her own daughter. She's not an orphan, she's got a mother who indulges her already (and a father and a step mother who seems to be doing a really good job given past birthday gifts and experiences). Why should OPs dd miss out on quality individual time with her Mum when SD doesn't?

But in this case the other (bio) DD isn’t coming either! It’s not that the DSD is being excluded while the rest of the family go away…

Your youngest and DH aren't going either, so it's not a stepkids v bio kids battle. You simply say your DD got to choose someone to bring and she chose her best friend. That's fine. It's a treat for her birthday. Sometimes I feel that stepkids get included to the bio kids' detriment, and that's not fair. StepDD has a mum and dad, and stepparents to treat her, your DD only has you and her dad.

It doesn't even have to be about liking/not liking.

SD is trying to hijack an 11 year olds birthday treat. Having a random almost 16 year old there totally changes the dynamic and given her spoiled attitude already it seems like she'd be making the 11 year olds birthday all about her.

How many of us would be miffed if we made plans for a certain type of holiday (i.e girly city break) and 90 year old Aunty Doris or SIL who's bringing breast fed twins or someone's DH insisted on tagging along meaning plans had to change to accommodate their needs and preferences too?

Are you expecting OP to work 16 days overtime to pay for a trip for her DSD?

Fuck that!

Why should OPs dd miss out on quality individual time with her Mum when SD doesn't?

She shouldn't, but the step daughter will feel she's being treated differently in her dad's family after many years of being part of that family. In my view her dad needs to plug the gap here

Lots of people agree with OP. Are you saying OP should leave the thread because she disagrees with some people?

I think you are perfectly reasonable.

This is not a family trip as your husband and other child will stay at home, this is a specific treat for your daughter's birthday and it makes sense to take a friend of the same age.

You can all plan a family vacation for everyone at another time.

Her mother is just causing trouble for the sake of it.

The reasonable comparators here are:
1 - Is the biological sibling coming? No, because it's DD's treat.
2 - Does the DSD's Mum take the op's daughter away on their trips? No, because a Mum can take.her daughter for a treat, so once again, perfectly fair.

DSD's Mum is a CF imo.

This ^

Sorry — can’t seem to edit but have realised the OP’s second child is DS, not DD. But either way, he’s not going so my original point stands.
Also, for those saying that it’s unfair if the DSD doesn’t have a comparable trip at some point — that’s presumably on her parents to sort. Why does the OP need to take responsibility for it?

No, I’m saying it was pointless even starting it when she clearly thinks she isn’t being unreasonable

But it's not pointless for OP because she is getting support. Are you saying she shouldn't have started it because it's pointless for you?

Of course you are not being unreasonable.

You step daughter sounds very entitled, her mother however is a cheeky fucker.

Enjoy your break with your daughter!