To bring DD friend away instead of DSD

[2907fe9166a247bb9ghj3]

I’m taking DD11 away in a few months time to Rome for a long weekend. This is a birthday treat for her.

My husband (her dad) will be staying at home with our youngest.

DD asked if a friend could come and after searching for some deals I said she could. This is now booked for me, dd & her friend.

The problem that’s occurred recently is my DSD15 has recently found out I’m taking DD to Rome and has made noises about it being unfair that she’s not coming. DSDs mum has messaged tonight to ask why is DD friend is coming instead of DSD.

Am I being unreasonable taking DD friend? As it’s what my DD wants.

Just incase it gets asked. I paid for this trip out of my own wages, my OH has not paid for it.

I think it’s fine not to invite your DSD along on this trip. I agree with you that it’s best to talk to her directly and explain your decision.

However, there does seem to be a bit of an “us and them” dynamic in your house. You must have known your DSD since she was very young. She is your children’s sister. Could it be that she is reacting to an overall sense of feeling left out or overlooked, and this trip is just the trigger point?

Your doing everything right OP speaking one on one to DSD and explaining everything. Hope you all have a fab time in Rome.

All that needs to be done to make this fair is your hubby taking the step daughter away on her next birthday too or her own mum . At 11 and 15 they gave different interests.

I couldn't agree more....! 😂

But that would be unfair on DH’s other children, as they aren’t getting a trip with their father.

It’s for her mother to fund a mother/daughter trip. Like OP is doing for her daughter.

Really the one that has been left out (if anyone) is OP’s DS. Maybe his father should take him so all kids are getting a 1-1 trip with a parent?

????

OP is paying from her overtime.

He's not going.

He's not facilitating anything.

No such thing as her money or his money . They are married ffs it’s family money as far as I can say . Since when people become so petty . We holiday together , my kids or his kids or our kid all comes from the same pot

Dsd's mum can keep out of it, what you do with your daughter is up to you, this is your daughter's birthday and if your daughter has a friend with her that is up to you and your daughter.
Dsd is not your daughter, nor your daughter's sister, she is a step sister or a half sister and thus not your responsibility.

Just like you would not expect Dsd's mother to take your daughter and/or your son away with her on holiday with her daughter.

But she's especially taken on 16 days of overtime to fund the trip.

It's her extra hard work outside of the "family pot", her husband hasn't paid a penny and her husband and son aren't going because it's NOT a family holiday.

but then would he not need to do something with his son too, to make it fair? In reality, dsd gets holidays with her mum, it is fair.

Exactly. We occasionally used to take ours away individually as a birthday treat and invite a friend to come too. Never caused an issue in our house.

"Dear DSD's mum.

I have explained to DSD that DD was asked who she would like to come with us and she chose her friend. Presumably you would not expect DD to accompany you and DSD on any holiday's where DSD is able to invite anyone she chooses. DSD will always be welcome on our family holidays, but this is a special treat for DD's birthday so I will respect DD's decision and I hope you will too."

Is the message I would send.

My birthday is December 25th so my sisters had presents on my birthday......I never got 1 on theirs though, maybe I should demand some this year 😂

So should the 15 year old’s mum also adhere to this??

if the 15 year old wants a new Xbox but OP and her husband can’t afford new Xbox’s for the 11 year old, should the mum be like no sorry that’s not fair on your sister?

if the mum wants to take the 15 year old on a spa day, should she not because OP isn’t taking her dd11 on one?

if the mum wants to paint dd15’s room but the op’s dd11 has to share with her little brother because space is short, should the mum not decorate the room? Should she say actually kid, your poor siblings have to share a room so you shouldn’t have your own room as it’s not fair?

you would obviously never expect this, but if the argument is that its “not fair” her sister gets a trip that she doesn’t, that would have to be the case. Otherwise it isn’t “fair” that dd11 only has two adults buying her stuff but dd15 has 3.

good lord.

Would your stepdaughter's own mother invite your 11 year old along if she was having a short break like yours? Probably not. So I don't think you're doing anything wrong.

God some people are ridiculous.

@2907fe9166a247bb9ghj3 My DD is getting a big treat for her 10th birthday, it’s costing £400 just for her and 2 friends to do something special and very specific, plus the extra we will have to pay as a family to join her just to watch. She has made it clear she wants her 2 friends with her not her 12yo sister, her sister is a bit gutted as she’d love to do it but respects it’s her sisters birthday and her choice. I don’t want to name the activity as it will be very outing as I’ve discussed IRL.

Is my other DD sulking or throwing a tantrum, no, she knows that she had massive whole class parties during primary school every year except during covid. Her sister has chosen this activity instead of a big party. My older DD is definitely not expecting £400 on treats to balance out what we are spending on her little sister, she get that over time things balance out and that at the end of the day each get to choose what they want for their birthdays.

😂

Did you at least get extra presents than them?

Not relevant in this case at all.
A family wedding should involve the family.
A holiday as a birthday treat is for the child whose birthday it is.
Hth.

Yep. The presents were sometimes wrapped in Christmas paper with "Happy birthday" written on it though...cheapskates. 😂

There is such a thing as his and her money. Maybe not in your house and that’s great! Good for you! But in this house, we don’t do it the same. It doesn’t matter what you consider family money.

Im paying for this out of MY money that is kept in MY account after Iv paid into the ‘family money’ pot.

I used to get £10 from my great nan as a child on my brothers birthday and he used to get £10 on mine.
Bless her!

Exactly this. @Tryingmybestadhd are you saying OP should have done even more overtime to pay for her DSD as well?

Not relevant in this situation. They both have their own mother, and their mothers are free to do their own thing with their kids. This isn't a family event, it's a mother/daughter birthday trip. The SD mother is free to take her daughter on mother/daughter trips when she likes, and as OP says, she does.
So OPs kids have to miss out on experiences that their half sibling can and does have with her own mother, because of the adult situation? If the only way the OPs kids get to do anything alone with her (as in the only sibling) is to include the older SD then they're the losers in that. Never allowed to be have their mum to themselves for trips but she is allowed to have her mum to herself AND must be there with their mum always? That's fair to OPs kids how? It's not their fault their dad has a daughter who has a different mum just as much as its not the SD fault her parents split up.
We're talking about their own mothers here not their shared father.

@Devonshiregal I disagree where a father is facilitating big differentials between siblings, it won't go well.

As I said it is a dh mistake not the op.

We took one of my 3 children to London recently for his birthday with an overnight stay. The other two kids stayed at home as it wasn't their birthday. What's the difference?