To bring DD friend away instead of DSD

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I’m taking DD11 away in a few months time to Rome for a long weekend. This is a birthday treat for her.

My husband (her dad) will be staying at home with our youngest.

DD asked if a friend could come and after searching for some deals I said she could. This is now booked for me, dd & her friend.

The problem that’s occurred recently is my DSD15 has recently found out I’m taking DD to Rome and has made noises about it being unfair that she’s not coming. DSDs mum has messaged tonight to ask why is DD friend is coming instead of DSD.

Am I being unreasonable taking DD friend? As it’s what my DD wants.

Just incase it gets asked. I paid for this trip out of my own wages, my OH has not paid for it.

There IS no mistake ffs

I hope your 11 year old has a LOVELY birthday, op and this doesn't tarnish it at all!

What are you on about, it's nothing to do with the DH. OP has organised and paid for the trip for her daughter's birthday!

So everyone is ok with a father facilitating his children not being treated equally? I am glad I am on my family as that wouldn't be happening.

WTAF?

SD goes away on multiple holidays with HER mother.

And FAMILY holidays with her father and SM and half siblings,

OP has worked overtime for a mother daughter trip with her OWN daughter that her DH (and DS) are not part of and are not contributing to.

AGAIN SD has had multiple holidays abroad with HER own mother which DD and DS were obviously (rightly) not involved in so if there's any inequality it's for OPs kids.

It's downright absurd to suggest the father has facililtated inequality to SD.

She's done the best of the lot holiday wise.

And he's contributed bugger all for his other daughter's birthday.

You are talking bollocks. The father isn't facilitating anything, OP is taking her child away for a birthday trip, paid for by her...what exactly is the father facilitating?

A birthday being celebrated on each child's actual birthday? Yes, I think the majority of us are fine with that

BRB, my semi detached neighbours are off to Mexico in an hour ... Just off to tell them it's not fair they aren't bringing me 👌🏻

He is facilitating his two daughters getting treated equally, in that they both get one-on-one time with their mothers.

So do you also think OP is wrong not to take her son?

The SD is being treated equally. She goes on holiday with her own mother. OP is going on holiday with her own daughter. No difference there. The father isn’t going!

Absolutely agree. Taking a 15 year old away with two 11 year olds has trouble written all over it.

We took one of my 3 children to London recently for his birthday with an overnight stay. The other two kids stayed at home as it wasn't their birthday. What's the difference?

God forbid OP wants to take her own child away for her own birthday. If it was an actual sibling nobody would be batting an eyelid

I think in blended families it is really important to have some 1 on 1 time with your children. There is nothing wrong with this. If DSD wants a trip to Rome it is for her 2 biological parents to organise it, or it is a blended family holiday.

I hope you have a great trip to Rome and some quality bonding time (which you will still have with a friend present!)

Yes it's just so typical of how all the Stepchildren posts go on here.

For some reason, Step Children have to get treated with absolute kid gloves, pandered to and indulged by both bio parents and step parents and subsequent children are supposed to be fine being overlooked and made to feel guilty for their very existence and never allowed special time with their non shared parent. And step mums have put their own kids last in order to be some sort of martyr saint supermum figure to stepkids who already have their own mum who puts them first...otherwise oooohhh wicked stepmum alert. Always comes across as so grabby on here as well,
like it's the end of the world if a stepchild realises step mum bought their own toddler an icecream while stepkids were at their mums or something - it's always the end of the world if everything isn't EXACTLY EQUAL. Unless of course it's the stepkids getting more and the subsequent kids getting less (because step kids were there first and the forementioned notion that subsequent kids shouldn't really exist).

It's done to death. And it's always the step mum made out to be the problem...never the shared father.

What would not be facilitating equality is saying his kids with OP must not be allowed to have any time with their mum by themselves and insisting eldest daugher MUST be there for all trips paid for by OP, while also having her own mum to herself for experiences that his younger two aren't allowed to have. Can't you see how crazy that would be!!

I wouldn’t even acknowledge the request. If she wants her daughter to have a mother-daughter trip to Rome then she’s welcome to sort that out herself.

Agreed. It's as if the younger kids must lose out and be denied any solo experiences with their mum for having the audacity to exist when their dad has another child already 🙄

Do you seriously think OP's children shouldn't get to celebrate their birthdays so not to upset OP's DSD? Really? Christ I've seen some bullshit on this site regarding stepmums before but this is the worse on by far. You don't think children born after the Stepkids should have birthdays?

The trip of a lifetime? Hardly

He isn’t though. She has paid with her money and made a choice for her daughter’s birthday. Why should he get to veto what she does with her daughter? Or her money?

should he refuse to watch his younger kid?

Apologies if I missed it in the thread but DSD15 presumably did not have a similar treat for her 11th birthday and so immediately reverts to feeling its not fair and a ‘I should get to go rather than the friend’ mentality. Clearly that’s not logical given the different circumstances but teenagers are (generally) not known for being particularly nuanced about life situations, it’s very black and white in their eyes.

Either way it’s not OPs problem. She hasn’t done anything wrong or been unfair at all, and it seems like it would be an odd arrangement for DSD to join them given it’s not a family holiday. DH needs to discuss with DSD’s mum and stop this nonsense in its tracks. There will be birthdays / another occasion where they can do something special for DSD but it’s up to them to deal with that, not OP.

It’s up to them how they choose to manage their finances. This is a second relationship for the dh so it may well be more practical to keep things separate. I wouldn’t be blending finances if I was to marry again (which I wouldn’t).

And you don’t always have to travel together as a family. I often take dd away to London for a weekend by herself. Ds doesn’t come along as he isn’t really interested in the theatre and shopping, His dad may take him somewhere different for a treat or more likely he’ll have money to go out with his mates. The dad and db are not going on this trip so why should dsd when it’s a special trip for dd. I very much doubt the dsd’s mum will be rushing to take op’s dd on holiday with her and her dd and I don’t think she should be stirring the pot unnecessarily.

Absolutely not in our blended situation. DH pays maintenance and for his DC out of his salary - that’s not for the joint pot. I don’t work for my SDC, same as their DM doesn’t work for my DC.

It’s nothing to do with the father. What should he do? Stamp his feet and demand that his wife upsets one of his dd’s and funds a trip by herself for her dsd? A child that has her own mother and is permitted to spend time with her without her stepsister kicking off? Both dd’s are being treated equally by their own dm’s which is right.

Yeah exactly. It will probably be the trip of a lifetime (to date!!) for the 11y/o as it'll be centred around her and what she wants to do, she gets to have her bestie there and feel a bit more grown up and gets quality time with her mum. None of these things would apply, at least to the same extent, if she's forced to take her older sibling instead of best mate.

In real terms though how is Rome the trip of a lifetime?! The DSD has had plenty of holidays and I can't see a European city break with her kid sister and DSM as something particularly special, lovely though I'm sure it'll be! It's not like they're off for two weeks island hopping in Thailand or on a safari or doing all the parks etc in Florida or whatever.

Lots of posters on here seem determined to find the OP and her DH in the wrong, and the DSD and her mum in the right.

As someone with no particular axe to grind - I'm not a stepmother myself, I didn't have any step-parents and my dc doesn't have any step-parents either - it seems really obvious to me that the DSD and her mum are being utterly unreasonable. This trip has nothing to do with the DSD's father - it has been organised and paid for by her step-sibling's mother. The DSD's mother is free to do the same for her daughter.

I can only assume that those taking the DSD and her mum's side are doing so because they are projecting in some way.