To feel like DD loves her nanny-housekeeper more than me

[bringpositivitea]

My DD is 2, I'm a SAHM and we have a housekeeper / nanny who comes daily 9-3 on weekdays - she does all the cleaning, laundry, ironing, cooking lunch etc. The only thing I do is cooking dinner. So essentially I'm with my daughter all day, I try to plan really fun things for her like playdates, go to various playgrounds, soft play, feed the ducks, ride her bike, go to kid friendly museums etc. However if I have a doctors appointment or need to get something done (around 1-2 times per week when I'm gone for 3-4 hours) my daughter will stay with this nanny / housekeeper until I get back (they usually just go to the park).

It feels like my daughter loves the nanny / housekeeper (call her NH for short) more than me and I can't understand why. If NH is home when we are, she will prefer to play with NH over me and actively tell me "go away mummy" if I walk into the room they are playing in. If I'm dressing her for the walk she will request that NH does it instead. I don't stop them and it's now turned into them playing together just after her nap because if I ask whether she wants to go outside, DD will say no she wants to play at home with NH rather than go with me to the park or do anything with me...

Why on earth not?

Honestly, I have not, nor would ever be, in the position of having a housekeeper.

But why is it beyond the imagination of so many on here that some people do?

That some people may choose not to work?

That some people who can afford it, want to stay at home?

That some people live in big houses and have staff?

And that it doesn't stop them being insecure about some aspects of their lives?

Why would you want to do all the housework if you didn't have to??
I'm amazed anyone would choose to do all the cooking and cleaning if it wasn't necessary. Surely no one loves cleaning toilets that much

I don't think people really understand. Personally I wouldn't want someone else to have to clean my toilet or clean up after me generally. I'd feel very uncomfortable with it. But I am a socialist and would like to live in an equal society where everyone has enough. Not where some do and some really don't and have to clean other people's shit up after them.

I do have a cleaner.

She has never once cleaned up my shit

I'd do anything to have a house keeper 😂

Op, I felt like this about our childminder. I refer to her as Mary Poppins, she's just fabulous and we've known her many years. My son, when i dropped him off at school on his first day in reception, said "When will I walk to school with cm instead?" I was incredibly hurt, as I'd made arrangements to take him in every morning that week!

Ds is now 13 and we're very close. Dd is 7 and although she loves her cm, if I give her the choice during the holidays, she'll want to spend most of her time with me.

I always consoled myself with knowing that they both built loving, trusting relationships with the main people in their life - and this is a very good thing.

Your daughter will want, and need, you more in the coming years. For now, just appreciate the relationship they have and that she's not in screaming fits of tears whenever you need to leave her. She's clearly very happy.

I agree. Fucking nuts. Wave the loo brush round and yell I'm a hero.

No, it sounds like she is paid to work 30 hours a week in a housekeeper job with some childminding as well. Dont know how you got slave from OPs posts.

I don't think people are jealous, just a bit baffled to what she dies all day everyday when there is only the 3 of you living there, and you make the dinner.I would hate to have someone hanging round all day invading my privacy!

What a nasty thing to say.

She's looking after her child.

Housekeeping and childcare are not the same thing, despite both jobs being the reality for most.

She has already stated several times that the housekeeper looks after the baby when she is at appointments or sometimes for a little while during the day (very similar to people who get a babysitter).

It is absolutely jealousy or PP wouldn't have been quite so snide in their tones.

Maybe get a nanny-nanny to look after your daughter so the housekeeper-nanny can housekeep and you can SAHM in peace!

But I am a socialist and would like to live in an equal society where everyone has enough. Not where some do and some really don't and have to clean other people's shit up after them.

I find it very interesting that it is usually work done by females in the domestic space which is treated like this. Other tasks covered by men don't seem to get this treatment.

Do people who object to others handling our waste manage all of their own rubbish disposal and not use public sewers? Or is it just specifically within the house that these concerns arrive. Would you not use a plumber if your toilet broke?

An equal society is surely more based around people being able to access employment opportunities that suit them rather than deciding what is and is not lesser work.

Yep, absolutely - but we currently do live in a world where you can pay for someone else to do your cleaning, pick and deliver your shopping, cut your grass, clean your car, cook your food, look after your granny, walk your dog - and huge numbers of people choose to use those services when they can afford to

Do you have children?

Once you have a child you will realise that it is actually possible to spend a whole day doing stuff with your child!

Would you be confused about what a nanny does all day if they weren't contracted to do cooking and cleaning?

Oh actually I think you meant what does the housekeeper do!
You can definitely spend 6 hours a day on housekeeping, especially in a big house.
Keeping everything sparkling clean.
Doing everything more often like bedding changes.
All those very occasional jobs like cleaning out fridges and washing skirting boards get done weekly.
Ironing everything!

Not relevant at all. Just curious. I know in other countries they provide this kind of service and the cost is a joke compared to developed countries.

fire someone because their child likes them? and replace them with someone they dont?

Full time housekeepers in London (eg 9-5ish) are on around £45k.

I don't think people really understand. Personally I wouldn't want someone else to have to clean my toilet or clean up after me generally. I'd feel very uncomfortable with it. But I am a socialist

Then perhaps you should consider moving to a Socialist or even Communist country.

Let the rest of us live in a free society where we can choose to pay others for services that involve looking after our house, garden or loved relatives.

Precisely. Although, most 'socialist' countries are absolute hellholes where the rich live high off the hog while the poor starve. I get so tired of this nonsense every time there is a thread about someone having household help. 'Clean your own house' 'Do your own cooking/gardening/etc'. Then you have a million threads about how awful men are for not appreciating women....women are the ones who shame other women for employing help. Nobody would say 'do it yourself' if you had a plumbing issue, why is household cleaning and housekeeping any different?

I don't think people really understand. Personally I wouldn't want someone else to have to clean my toilet or clean up after me generally. I'd feel very uncomfortable with it. But I am a socialist

The issue is really not that you’re a socialist it’s that you’re a snob and think menial cleaning is demeaning. It isn’t and cleaning your toilet is no better or worse than cutting your hair or doing your tax return. Some of the attitudes being flaunted on this thread are truly revolting.

Exactly. People who say that they wouldn't employ a cleaner are merely doing someone out of honest work. They aren't being empowering. It is not exploitative to employ someone to clean anymore than it is to employ them to service your car. Conditions and pay can be exploitative, but occupations cannot (with a few exceptions, mineral mining being one. Funnily enough, the people who pride themselves on not employing 'menial staff' probably don't think twice about their I-phones)

When my son was 2 he did some very similar things. We don't have a nanny but every time my husband was around he would only want him to do everything. He will be 4 in a few months and it's completely changed again. Now he's all about mummy.

Let the housekeeper play and ask if you can join them. Even just being in the room with them would be good.

Yeah but not every day!

I have 5 children as it goes!
When they were all young , yes I could have used the hell, but with one 2 year old? I don't think it is particularly good fir a child to have a dedicated adult whose remit is solely to entertain them.I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable with fulltime housekeeper hanging round all the time. And wtf dies she do all day with only one adult and one child in the house and another in the evening.Yes, I get there are occasional cleaning jobs that need to be done, but they only need doing, you know, occasionally!