To feel like DD loves her nanny-housekeeper more than me

[bringpositivitea]

My DD is 2, I'm a SAHM and we have a housekeeper / nanny who comes daily 9-3 on weekdays - she does all the cleaning, laundry, ironing, cooking lunch etc. The only thing I do is cooking dinner. So essentially I'm with my daughter all day, I try to plan really fun things for her like playdates, go to various playgrounds, soft play, feed the ducks, ride her bike, go to kid friendly museums etc. However if I have a doctors appointment or need to get something done (around 1-2 times per week when I'm gone for 3-4 hours) my daughter will stay with this nanny / housekeeper until I get back (they usually just go to the park).

It feels like my daughter loves the nanny / housekeeper (call her NH for short) more than me and I can't understand why. If NH is home when we are, she will prefer to play with NH over me and actively tell me "go away mummy" if I walk into the room they are playing in. If I'm dressing her for the walk she will request that NH does it instead. I don't stop them and it's now turned into them playing together just after her nap because if I ask whether she wants to go outside, DD will say no she wants to play at home with NH rather than go with me to the park or do anything with me...

Kids go through these phases. It can hurt a bit but I take the view that if I had to go into hospital or travel for any reason, she'd be with someone she loves and trusts. Presumably if she's 2, then you probably haven't had a number of NH's through her short life so there is consistency too.

Don't get rid of the NH. That would be a horrid thing to do because your child is affectionate to her.

Is that the question? No.

Living the dream, I'd love to be able to do this!

Just to clarify, I am not planning to get rid of NH! She's great and honestly exactly what we'd been looking for before we found her, for the first year or so of my daughter's life. Yes, I feel hurt, but I'd rather feel a bit of jealousy than a huge amount of worry for leaving my daughter with someone she doesn't really like.

It's just a phase

This is totally normal in my experience. My son used to do it. If if visit my cousin, his kids only want me. There’s nothing special about me, I think they just like having someone who isn’t a parent to play with and maybe showing they’re in control and boss me about 😂
Apparently I used to do it if my godmother or grandparents visited.
I would tell my mother to “go away and do your dishes.”
Your daughter loves you and you’re the most important person in her life. As a previous poster said, she’s secure enough to tell you to go away because she knows you’re her mum and won’t abandon her. You must’ve done a good job to make her so securely attached.
I have so many wonderful memories of my godmother and the times we shared.
Let her enjoy the relationship and stop worrying.

It's just boggling. I used to be a nanny and some mums were delighted that the child was attached to me. This will happen when you work 5 full days and do all the important stuff. I've also had mums be quite pissed off. This was a mum who didn't work but I did six days, 12 hour days for five of them.

What is it you actually want when you ask someone else to care for your child?

Glad I'm not the only one @Notamum12345577

Don't worry, in a little while the wind will change and NH will be away with her umbrella. Just watch out for chimney sweeps in the meantime.

Are you in the UK? This sounds very uncommon here. I know not the point of the thread but has she really got enough to do for 6 hours every day?!
i personally would not enjoy having someone else in my home for that long around me and my child.
I would consider if you should try reducing her hours.

Just relax and be happy about it OP. When we had a housekeeper, the kids didn't really like her. She was a bit odd, to be fair. She used to stand in the garden and shout at the birds. No idea why.

Imagine if yoyr DD wouldn't stay with the housekeeper. How would you go to the GP? Anyway, this is a non-issue. Kids have phases. I assume she's your first child?

1. Ignore the jealous commenters. You are very lucky to have the help, but it's not a bad reflection on you as a mother.
2. I was a nanny and this happened a lot. It's purely novelty and also nannies are dedicated to ensuring the child likes them... It's a lot of pressure and VERY active playing.

Things totally balance out at around 6/7 years old in my experience.
When imaginative games are less of a focus.

Please don't worry, just enjoy :)

Yep PFB and all that 😂!

All kids have phases and favourites. In particular when they have a 'constant' person who provides undivided attention - that person will not be the favourite! Even if you think about as a child you'd get excited to see friends, to see family you haven't seen in a while etc.

Anyone she bonds with and who is kind and fun she will break your heart by being like 'bye mum' (sometimes not even that, just walk off with them and say no to even giving a kiss bye!)...

However, it's a sign of a good relationship, a person you can trust caring for your daughter, and an ability from her to bond and settle with others.

It can be a bit heartbreaking, but worse is if she cried and cried when you left, didn't want to leave your side, couldn't cope without you, and filled you with guilt and stress about times you need to be away!

The confident happy child may continue into school without a backwards glance, or it may be on and off with times of tears and missing the person who really is her constant (you) and sometimes begging you not to leave! Those times are the hardest honestly!

This is actually brilliant. So many people stay at home to raise their children, yet you end up spending hours doing housework. I wish I could afford this, I often fantasise about such a thing!

Our DS appears to prefer Grandad to us.
Grandad is fun, all bets are off when our DS is with him, no discipline - they adore each other.
I love our DS has someone else in his life that he adores.

When push comes to shove though, its me he calls for when hes hurt, me he wants if hes ill etc etc I will always be mummy as will you be OP.
Embrace it and think just how lucky your DD is to have another person in her life that she loves so much.

And of course you are a SAHM - how is that confusing, you "mother" all day - no housework - no cooking. The utlimate SAHM 😁

It's the novelty factor, my friends DD thinks I'm her best pal and her mum doesn't get a look in if I'm around. I do all the fun things with her as I have no other responsibilities in her house and rarely have to discipline her. I'm also not with her 24/7 so more inclined to indulge her random games as it's novel for me too.

Don't stress about it OP, DD loves you best but you and she have a great asset in your housekeeper.

You’re jealous of your nanny/housekeeper, I’m jealous of you actually getting to mother your child all day rather than juggling it with housework…

This is a phase. It won’t always be like this but for now she has another trusted adult whose company she enjoys. Kids often prefer the other parent/grandparent/nanny for a while.

I remember I used to get sad when my mum came home as it meant my fun babysitter left - it wasn't that I didn't want to see my mum I just knew it means the fun I was having would stop!

You are a sahm. These pp are jealous, so am I!

I'd imagine the NH is more on-call for childcare then the full time carer if shes around when her mothers there to notice these things

@Jk8 basically the NH does housework all the time, except when I need to leave the house or when we are home and DD is clearly trying to play with her / if DD is refusing to eat with me and wants NH to sit with her. Otherwise most of the time I am with DD

Novelty value. Don’t stress

I'm genuinely not jealous. I just don't understand how there is 6 hours of housework to be done in a day in a house of 3 people.