To feel like DD loves her nanny-housekeeper more than me

[bringpositivitea]

My DD is 2, I'm a SAHM and we have a housekeeper / nanny who comes daily 9-3 on weekdays - she does all the cleaning, laundry, ironing, cooking lunch etc. The only thing I do is cooking dinner. So essentially I'm with my daughter all day, I try to plan really fun things for her like playdates, go to various playgrounds, soft play, feed the ducks, ride her bike, go to kid friendly museums etc. However if I have a doctors appointment or need to get something done (around 1-2 times per week when I'm gone for 3-4 hours) my daughter will stay with this nanny / housekeeper until I get back (they usually just go to the park).

It feels like my daughter loves the nanny / housekeeper (call her NH for short) more than me and I can't understand why. If NH is home when we are, she will prefer to play with NH over me and actively tell me "go away mummy" if I walk into the room they are playing in. If I'm dressing her for the walk she will request that NH does it instead. I don't stop them and it's now turned into them playing together just after her nap because if I ask whether she wants to go outside, DD will say no she wants to play at home with NH rather than go with me to the park or do anything with me...

Maybe they have higher standards than you? Perhaps they hoover or mop every floor, wipe all the surfaces, polish all the wood, change at least two beds and associated ironing and laundering, wash the clothes, clean windows or oven or washing machine or fridge, clean multiple bathrooms and toilets, make a light lunch, do the bins, and eat have a break. Sounds like 6 hours to me. I too have 5 children and think this is unremarkable.

Maybe your kid just likes going to the park more than museums.

Sometimes kids just want to be kids and not be ferried around everywhere. When I was a kid I preferred going to the library with my aunt rather than my mum just because the library my aunt took me to had a book train you could sit in. It had nothing to do with which person I preferred more. It could be something at that park she just really likes. Kids also often like to do something over and over again, so if you're giving them a new experience every time it might not be something they naturally gravitate to or have strong good memories of.

It could also be this nanny knows how to play better with a kid. I have one friend who treats her kids like everything is a school or life lesson and feels awkward playing with toys - even going to the park is a lesson on the lifecycle of acorn trees. I have another friend who will sit for hours on the floor pretending to eat fake sandwiches and talking as though she's a doll with tons of made up stories. Guess who the kids prefer to hang out with.

🤣😂 come on. Look how much they get paid compared to the people who's house they're cleaning.

I don't know how to do plumbing or how to cut my own hair, it's difficult. I can clean my own bathroom and kitchen.

That was to the posters saying it's really fine to live in a society where people pay women crap money to clean up after them

So the OP just has a much cleaner (and probably bigger) house than you, better lunch, cleaner sheets, freshly ironed clothes and her child gets much more attention than yours did as she has the money to pay for it.
Whether you think those things are important or worth spending money on is up to personal choice.

There are many basic tasks that you could do that you won't be doing.
It is noticeable that it is tasks routinely done in the home and by women that get run down and devalued like this.

@ilovebreadsauce
this woman can't afford ivf but can afford a housekeeper- this says to me she's in the middle east and paying a pittance for slave labour

But how is your 'detective' work is relevant to the op's question?

Why does it matter where the OP lives? There are plenty of people in the uk who have cleaners. There are plenty who call a plumber or donors when their toilet is blocked and some who pay others to groom them (hairdressers, waxers, masseuse, manicurists). What IS all this nonsense?

kind of because it's actually modern day slavery in the middle east and has links to people trafficking. in uk we pay at least a living wage to anyone providing services. We don't pay $10 and withhold passports

Housekeepers often get paid more than teachers and nurses in this country.

~Who knows?

Maybe she sits on her arse and eat bonbons!

Yes, it's good to do something 'useful' if you don't need to work to earn, but on the other hand, if you're happy in your life not working isn't that a great place to be?

Domestic staff are used throughout the world. Some people exploit people from poorer countries and some pay them a fair wage for their labour. Some employers confiscate or “hold” people’s passports and some don’t. There are slaves in the uk. OPs thread is not about any of that though is it? She’s asking about her child’s emotional attachment to a paid carer. Your personal (odd) objection to her paying for domestic help to is irrelevant.

I think it's open to debate whether the OP does sound happy in her life.

To me - she sounds a bit fixated on her DD because she has nothing else to do. And actually I also think that having your mother's totally undivided attention - no other children or chores - might be smothering for some children.

But it's totally subjective - maybe to others she sounds very happy.

I have no issues with buying in help - I do it myself, not to this tune obviously

I’m not sure we need to comment on OPs levels of happiness or how worthwhile we feel her life is FFS

How much do you think most hairdressers get paid?

Cleaning can be equally lucrative and you don't have to talk to annoying clients!

Where did I say it was 'ok to pay women crap money'? My cleaner is on 18.00 per hour!

I think it's open to debate whether the OP does sound happy in her life.

@spriots It's most definitely not up for debate. It also has nothing to do with the op's question.

Snap! I think that people think of 'cleaners' as some sort of nineteenth century charwoman. While I'm not denying that some employers are exploitative, that isn't limited to the domestic realm. I wonder if all the people who are so smug about how they do their own cleaning so they don't 'contribute to exploitation' are as diligent about avoiding restaurants just in case the staff are exploited, or bother about where they buy their clothes in case the garment workers are exploited. When it comes to the latter, a lot of them will cry poor and claim to be only able to afford Primark or Matalan. Also, the real reason that they don't have a cleaner is that they can't afford one.

I think it does though?

I think it may make her magnify the problem

And also as a PP pointed out - children somehow know when someone really wants to engage with them and can be a bit contrary about it. One of mine went through a phase of that with a grandparent.

@TomeTome nope it's not. she's saying she can't afford ivf treatment but can afford a full time housekeeper.... and then is worried her kid loves the housekeeper more. i see so many of these mothers disconnected from their kids because of these poor staff raising them. she doesn't need to employ a slave

I didn’t read op say she can’t afford ivf but since we’ve no idea how much that would cost or what the risks are for her I’m not sure why that’s lead you to decide her housekeeper is a slave. As for knowing children brought up with domestic staff, that’s a large proportion of the world. You sound a little tunnel visioned.

It's great she has such a good relationship with your care giver.

Don't give it a second thought. Your her mum and irreplaceable. I guarantee in 20 years time you will look back and wonder why you ever worried.

This is a joke, right?