To feel like DD loves her nanny-housekeeper more than me

[bringpositivitea]

My DD is 2, I'm a SAHM and we have a housekeeper / nanny who comes daily 9-3 on weekdays - she does all the cleaning, laundry, ironing, cooking lunch etc. The only thing I do is cooking dinner. So essentially I'm with my daughter all day, I try to plan really fun things for her like playdates, go to various playgrounds, soft play, feed the ducks, ride her bike, go to kid friendly museums etc. However if I have a doctors appointment or need to get something done (around 1-2 times per week when I'm gone for 3-4 hours) my daughter will stay with this nanny / housekeeper until I get back (they usually just go to the park).

It feels like my daughter loves the nanny / housekeeper (call her NH for short) more than me and I can't understand why. If NH is home when we are, she will prefer to play with NH over me and actively tell me "go away mummy" if I walk into the room they are playing in. If I'm dressing her for the walk she will request that NH does it instead. I don't stop them and it's now turned into them playing together just after her nap because if I ask whether she wants to go outside, DD will say no she wants to play at home with NH rather than go with me to the park or do anything with me...

What an odd comment. Nanny Housekeeper is a perfectly valid job title. I doubt OP tricked hers into joining as a housekeeper and then springing her child on her.

I don’t mean to be harsh OP but in the nicest way get a grip!! You are incredibly fortunate to be in the position you are in. Not only can you afford help most people would need to win the lottery to afford your housekeeper is good and your child likes her. Great! She also gives you the ability to go to appointments on your own which isn’t something most SAHM mothers have. Even better!

The post that appears under yours is titled “can’t afford minimum payment.” That is the reality for a lot of people. Sometimes a bit of perspective is very helpful.

Kids of that age get attached to lots of people, it’s not uncommon nor is it a big deal. Your daughter probably just likes the novelty given she is with you 24/7, it’s a sign that she feels securely attached to you and is a good thing.

This is completely normal.. it just feels off as she’s in your home, employed by you while you’re there going ‘I’m here too let’s go play’.

Children learn and enjoy play through various forms. For most, grandparents, aunts and uncles provide the welcome relief for a little break when the kids play with them. Most have been juggling housework, work, childcare etc so it’s lovely when they’re engrossed with another adult and you can sit and have a coffee..

Let her enjoy her time with the NH, it’s all part of her development.

Why isn’t NH nipping this in the bud?
Its not unusual for children to want to be with Nanny. It is however unusual, not to say, unprofessional for Nanny not to immediately pull back as soon as she sees this happening and if necessary insist child is with parent and sings their praises to encourage child to want to be with parent

I had a full time live in nanny as a child as both my parents worked. The nanny was younger than my parents and super-fun so there were certainly times when I did prefer spending time with her but I wouldn’t say that I loved her more than them.

I haven't read the whole thread, but sorry for all the irrelevant posts you have been getting about your arrangements. I am sure most of us would love to have a housekeeper!

It sounds like your daughter likes the novelty of the housekeeper, who doesn't do any of the discipline, and is a change from the lovely, consistent activities you do with her.

I am guessing you have been the primary caregiver to your daughter since she was born- it sounds like your attachment with your daughter has made her feel comfortable being with others. She can tell you to go away at times as she knows you are a reliable constance in her life, and won't go far.

My DS is 18 months and talks about his nursery key worker non-stop. At times he has seemed slightly disappointed when I've said we are going swimming etc, rather than nursery (he's only in twice a week). take it as meaning the same.

It's a phase it'll pass. My daughter used to do this with grandparents when she was 2-4. I'd feel unloved lol. Now she's 6 and changed completely.

Im not jealous either but my mind is blown ??what do u actually do ??

Lots of people seems to confused here because its not very common to have housekeeper/nanny when you are sahm. I’m from indonesia and my mother have 3 housekeeper, 1 nanny for me and my sister when we were small and 2 chauffeur. And all live in the house. Its very common to live like that in other country. So yeah. If i have money and if helper cost as cheap as back in my home country i would do the same even if i’m a sahm.

What?! Nipping what in the bud? The child’s happiness? My children have always had a nanny and I would find it utterly bizarre if the nanny pulled back if they were affectionate / bonded. Do you think it’s to save the parent’s feelings?! Totally normal for a young child to form attachments to trusted adults other than their parents - it is not a threat.

Please see my reply after this one

@Ageisjustanumb3r

Im not jealous either but my mind is blown ??what do u actually do ??

There are plenty of things to do in life other than load and unload the dishwasher. Spend undivided time with a child. Prepare a nice evening meal. Exercise. Read. In OP's case, weekly medical appointments. All the things a lot of us wish we could do but are too busy juggling housework.

I mean if I were ever bored then cleaning a toilet wouldn't be my first choice of activity!

Im not jealous either but my mind is blown ??what do u actually do ??

Have you got no interests? There's lots of things I'd rather do than clean the floors or do the laundry - exercise/running, playing sports, gardening, going for a walk/hike, meeting friends, visiting a museum, going shopping, baking, reading, playing piano etc

@Herewegoagain84 - absolutely nip it in the bud. I am staff and will always leave the child’s life after a few years. Nipping it in the bud means it’s dealt with swiftly and means attachments are appropriate and healthy and so protects the child’s happiness

I think your DD sounds a bit bored - so it's really the novelty value. I would start looking at part time nursery setups, not childcare, but the kind where they go only in the mornings (10am-12 , 3 or 4 days a week kind of thing).

In my experience, when they get to about age 2, kids really want to be with other kids or have more going on. Mine all did this from age 2-4 (before starting Reception), in church hall type places, and loved it.

That would make her less bored (and she would be a lot more stimulated), so when she is at home, she would be more pleased to be with you, and you would be more of a novelty! ;)

I remember a friend of mine said her baby had 'Face Fatigue' - ie, she wanted to see different faces and was bored with hers 😂

It's normal. It will pass. NH is not a threat to you... it's just a phase.

And there is nothing here to suggest the attachment is inappropriate or unhealthy…

Do you need to be clearer about what your housekeeper/nanny's role is, as it sounds like it's your daughter who is deciding when it's nanny time because she wants to play with her or eat her lunch with her (with the exception of when you're out). Does your daughter ever get told that she can't play with the housekeeper because she's busy? It's sounds as if you'd like more one on one time with your daughter, which you're not getting as she wants to play with the housekeeper.

And how does the housekeeper get the tasks you assign her done, if she's expected to drop them to play with your daughter- is she OK with the setup?

OP sounds like you're level headed and got the reassurance you needed here. Now I am begging you to do an AMA

To the person who said the NH should “nip it in the bud” have you ever worked in someone else’s home?! I have as a nanny and I constantly question whether I’m doing the right thing/what the parents want. The NH most likely thinks being nice/attentive to the child is the right thing/what is required. She’s also not just a housekeeper, she minds the child on a regular basis. So saying she needs to ensure things are “appropriate” is ridiculous in those circumstances. The woman is doing 6 hours housework a day she has more to think about and probably hasn’t thought about it beyond being nice to the child.

OP the people who are dismissing critical posts as just jealousy are doing you a disservice. You are coming across as quite spoiled. You have an easy life work wise, the luxury of tons of time to spend with your child, the luxury of a very clean house, and the added luxury of not having to take your child to appointments. Just be grateful.

Do you know when I’m looking after my two year old I don’t find myself thinking gosh, she takes care of herself, I’m really at a loose end….thank goodness I’ve got all this housework to do while I’m watching her because otherwise I’d be twiddling my thumbs.

We know nothing about OP's life, she might be chronically sick or terminally ill. And she does not have to disclose anything about her life for us to be nicer. Some posts are off the grid.

she did say it...thats how ive come to the conclusions I have. I havent got a crystal ball.
and its a tiny proportion of the world....really not a large proportion at all- thats a ridiculous statement.

and its a tiny proportion of the world....really not a large proportion at all- thats a ridiculous statement.
what on Earth are you talking about? Domestic staff are common in the Far East, Middle East, and the US. Surely you are aware of that? In Europe it’s more common to have a live out cleaner and/or (prebrexit) an au pair. It might not be common where you live but I can assure you it is elsewhere. You might have heard the terms child minder, nanny, housekeeper, maid, ayah, amah, nurse, mothers help, au pair. In many countries these predominantly female workers come from “poorer” neighbouring areas, like Mexico, The Philippines, India, Poland etc.