To feel like DD loves her nanny-housekeeper more than me

[bringpositivitea]

My DD is 2, I'm a SAHM and we have a housekeeper / nanny who comes daily 9-3 on weekdays - she does all the cleaning, laundry, ironing, cooking lunch etc. The only thing I do is cooking dinner. So essentially I'm with my daughter all day, I try to plan really fun things for her like playdates, go to various playgrounds, soft play, feed the ducks, ride her bike, go to kid friendly museums etc. However if I have a doctors appointment or need to get something done (around 1-2 times per week when I'm gone for 3-4 hours) my daughter will stay with this nanny / housekeeper until I get back (they usually just go to the park).

It feels like my daughter loves the nanny / housekeeper (call her NH for short) more than me and I can't understand why. If NH is home when we are, she will prefer to play with NH over me and actively tell me "go away mummy" if I walk into the room they are playing in. If I'm dressing her for the walk she will request that NH does it instead. I don't stop them and it's now turned into them playing together just after her nap because if I ask whether she wants to go outside, DD will say no she wants to play at home with NH rather than go with me to the park or do anything with me...

It actually sounds like she's a slave.

But hey, the OP makes the dinner so it's all good

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves I didn't assume it (because that would be nuts) but the possibility definitely occurred to me.

@Valeriekat Who was your comment directed to? If you type @ you can pick the jealous twat from the list that appears.

And herein lies the OPs problem - she is "mothering" all the time, meaning her DD doesn't get a break from being constantly glued to the same person. She probably fancies a little variety with NH, or maybe she doesn't enjoy being dragged around parks and museums all the time. Kids can be very happy just relaxing at home with a simple game or activity.

Why do people on these threads claim to be baffled by things that aren’t baffling?

No one in their right mind would want to haul kids to a medical appointment if they could afford cover.

The OP has a big house, I’m guessing, and the housekeeper cleans it, does the laundry and the ironing, the shopping and preps and clears up from entertaining, walks the dog, runs errands as well as babysitting the toddler when the OP has stuff to do.

If you can afford it, why not?

How much housework is there to be done that shes there 9-3 every day? How big is your house 😶

Anyway, your extreme privilege asides, I don't think you are doing anything to make this happen, kids specialise in making you realise you can only ever be in the wrong as a mother. Don't sweat it or it'll become a game.

ps i hope you have been giving NH inflation matched payrises

This is really normal OP, it will pass in time.
Don't take the unpleasant comments to heart.

I think this op posted yesterday about not being able to afford ivf so maybe that stress is making you worry about your baby being closer to NH. Don't take it to heart your baby loves you.

I’m assuming some kind of ill health is the reason for the NH, but I think each to their own and if you can afford it, then crack on.

Agree it’s fab that your little DD is attached to NH as another caregiver. Like others have said, you’d rather that, than her absolutely hating her and screaming if you left her to go to an appointment!

Be grateful she is a loving and safe person for your DD. It is completely normal at that age - happens with nursery, family, etc., and I'm sure many of us would love someone who so clearly cares about our dc and they about them. I have a friend currently going through this with her 3 year old at his Montessori school - he screams and refuses to go home with her every day. She validates his feelings and then is really kind but firm that they are spending some special time together now.

Please don't fire someone b/c you have insecurities.

My kid is the same even with casual Nannies - say someone we hire for a captions of days abroad. It’s the excitement of someone who has new games etc and isn’t around all the time. I wouldn’t take it personally

Please don’t worry. Your daughter loves you most. Children do get bored with the same person all the time and like a change of play mate. It’s all good and really not the same relationship as you have with her. Do not get rid of your daily. She’s a great fit for your family if she’s good with your lo and cleans well. You want your dd to be happy. It’s a good thing. She’s secure and confident thanks to you.

Possibly the element of the OP being at home all day, so why the need for a nanny ?

It's OK op. Kids at this age and up to about 5/6 are excited to have a friend not just a parent. It also signals her sense of security with you. She is sure you will be there with and for her so she goes for the exciting prospect. If she is busy with NH take time to have a peaceful cuppa. To relax. Most womedont have this advantage. Enjoy it.

🤣🤣🤣

OP, your daughter is with you 24/7. Your housekeeper is not. Your 2 yr old gravitates towards her because of that. She is a bit of a novelty to her. Please keep your feelings well under wraps as it sounds like this lady facilitates a fantastic set up for you all there and it would be a real shame if your house keeper got wind of your feelings, felt upset by them and told you she really needed to just focus on the housework only. You can imagine the nightmare you'd have in that situation.

Me too. I'm curious how housework and cooking takes 6 hours every weekday. I expect its a lot bigger and cleaner than my place. I'd love someone to do 3 hours a week, that would take care of most of it. I wouldn't actually want someone in my house that much.

@bringpositivitea

I think my take is a good nanny/ housekeeper is worth the weight in gold,

You have obviously switched on or and got lucky with this one,

Like an ubove poster said she is familiar but also novelty factor 🤔 safe person who your daughter is having good times memories with too,

Put aside your feelings of feeling insecurities and bit jealous,
and just be thankful 🙏 that someone as good as her your nanny housekeeper entered your life and genuinely enjoys being with yourself and daughter...

Don't unwittingly spoil a good thing going on.
that wouldn't be a smart move on your part or for your daughter...

@bringpositivitea
Also if your nanny / housekeeper is as good as that,
Stop percieving her as competition, !

Start to take mental note of what she does and do the smart thing and take some useful tips a leaf 🍃 from the beneficial things she does do right with your daughter...

You obviously do lots of fun things with your DD but it looks like mostly out of the home? Whereas nanny plays with her in the home? Could it just be that she just associates nanny with playing at home and doesn't always feel like going out? That's why she says "go away mummy" because she doesn't want to go out? I may have course have got that totally wrong

You might be trying a bit too much with the activities. At that age, my children liked chatting to me while they pottered about doing something alongside me at home. They also like going to the playground/park but otherwise were not that interested in trips out. They viewed organised ‘fun’ activities as slightly hard work.

If you have enough money that you don’t need to work, clean or run a house, with daily childcare on tap, you must feel on top of the world! What a lovely life!

@MumMumMumMumMumMumMum

"There is allways one"

You are obviously 🙄 are that,

Personally i am bit envious reading this mumsnet and wishing when my daughter was small ,
I had, had that kind of support of @bringpositivitea
Clearly has got,

If its working for you, carry on with this set up,
I think 🤔 if you have got family who are supportive to you in some other way too?

You have obviously got the best of both worlds..

@florizel13

I agree with your post,

I think 🤔 maybe @bringpositivitea daughter associates her nanny 🏠 housekeeper with home front activities more..

The only.solution is to kill NH and begin eating her in front of DD