To feel like DD loves her nanny-housekeeper more than me

[bringpositivitea]

My DD is 2, I'm a SAHM and we have a housekeeper / nanny who comes daily 9-3 on weekdays - she does all the cleaning, laundry, ironing, cooking lunch etc. The only thing I do is cooking dinner. So essentially I'm with my daughter all day, I try to plan really fun things for her like playdates, go to various playgrounds, soft play, feed the ducks, ride her bike, go to kid friendly museums etc. However if I have a doctors appointment or need to get something done (around 1-2 times per week when I'm gone for 3-4 hours) my daughter will stay with this nanny / housekeeper until I get back (they usually just go to the park).

It feels like my daughter loves the nanny / housekeeper (call her NH for short) more than me and I can't understand why. If NH is home when we are, she will prefer to play with NH over me and actively tell me "go away mummy" if I walk into the room they are playing in. If I'm dressing her for the walk she will request that NH does it instead. I don't stop them and it's now turned into them playing together just after her nap because if I ask whether she wants to go outside, DD will say no she wants to play at home with NH rather than go with me to the park or do anything with me...

“How would you go to the GP?”

Um, what do the majority of people without nanny-housekeepers do?

Like other posters have said. In time the NH will have gone. I had a nanny who was here while I was home 9-4 and it was lovely to share the childcare, my children loved her and even now we meet up to see her. They at times would pick her over me but that’s okay.

There’s enough love for everyone. Be happy she’s happy. Kids do this all the time but we only ever have one mum. I used to show off and be all over new people who came to our house as a child. It’s normal.

Think of the joy she’s bringing to your housekeeper. She’ll be the jewel of her day. You’re extremely blessed. When you’re older and you and your daughter are out for coffee you’ll tell her a story about a housekeeper you once had and how much she loved her.

You have happiness in your home. Not everyone does. Please cherish it.

I think you need to make yourself a little bit less available, Op. There must be almost 0 family set ups like yours, where mum is fully available 100% of the time - not occupied with cleaning, other siblings, work etc. It sounds ideal on paper but you must both need the odd break from each other. Go to a yoga class, get out of the house and do a few ‘you’ things? Your child will develop resilience and you know she’ll be happy with the nanny, but I bet she’ll be even happier to see you on your return, plus you’ve had a break.

Maybe DD enjoys playing at home more than going on all these outings and NH happens to be the person she does that more with her? Perhaps she just really enjoys playing with someone at home and so bonds with the NH.

Coming at this from another angle, I wonder if your 2 year old is just a bit bored. It sounds like you do loads with her but for a social toddler, there's no substitute for being with other people/children. Basically your entire focus on her may be too intense. Most SAHMs are juggling multiple children, at least some housework etc, so there is less intensity there

You mentioned playdates but what about groups or classes? Or a couple of days in nursery?

My toddler does this with a few people and my God did it sting the first time!!! But she's just sociable and loving exploring new relationships. When she's ill or hurt I'm still the one she needs.

Also everyone giving you a hard time for having a nanny housekeeper should absolutely bugger off. If I could have afforded one I would've done it, a clean house and a well looked after daughter and a less stressed mother ❤ ❤ ❤

I wonder what your arrangement is like for your daughter? Having your full time attention, always arranging things to do, always together - sounds a bit smoothering to me.

My toddler is like this with my mum and brother. It’s because they indulge her, never say ‘no’ and are only there intermittently. It’s normal social behaviour. You are the safe rock from which she goes away to explore the world and comes back for anchoring.

If your entire day is spent entertaining her then that could actually be the reason she is wanting time with someone else.
The novelty factor.
It doesn't mean she likes your housekeeper more, it just means you are always there whereas the housekeeper comes and goes.

Actually there's at least 3 others asking what the confusion is. People can be envious, jealous, but there's no need for mock confusion is there 🤣

Because she wants one, not really the point of the post is it.

I guess because they can afford to. Good for them.

SUre but don't be surprised when the kid prefers the person that actually looks after them whilst mum swans about doing I don't know what. If the OP is very unwell that is a massive dripfeed .

Don’t be ridiculous cooking and cleaning and other chores aren’t parenting. Domestic help is very common.

I wonder OP if you yourself are not at a bit of a loose end? Forgive me if in fact your days are actually full of voluntary work, hobbies, interests and friendships, but the way you describe it, you sound like you're basically just floating around waiting for your toddlers attention to give you purpose. Small children can be very contrary and typically do gravitate to you when you're busy. Having things to do in your own life also gives you perspective and you're less inclined to build a little temporary toddler favouritism into a big deal.

Ooookay. We obviously live in different worlds. I honestly do not know a single person that employs a nanny/housekeeper when they aren't working themselves and also only have one child. Best of luck to all you super wealthy people then. Goodo! Sorry for any offence 😂! Never knew that cooking for your own child was not part of parenting. I've clearly been doing it wrong all these years.

WT? Have I stumbled into somewhere weird. People get slammed all the time on MN but this women who does nothing except take her 1 child out sometimes and makes dinner ( I'm assuming the housekeeper has organised the food delivery) and everyone is uber gentle. Poor precious petal. And apparently cooking for your child ( when you are at home) is not part of parenting. This is amazing.

@marmaduke12 You sound very jealous and are not addressing the op's actual concerns.

What's your issue with people earning well enough to employ household help to help them with household chores?

I think it’s because she’s at home with her playing with her one to one. When you’re out doing “fun” activities the toddler is missing out on bonding time (without any distractions around) with their main care giver. I would always get the most love back from my kids when I stayed at home and gave them my full undivided attention. After we came home from an activity I would only get grumpiness

I’m not saying you should stay at home all the time but maybe less activities and more mummy time at home

So if you nip out for McDonald’s or go to a friends house for a meal are they parenting your child (or you)?

Fuck me, someone isn't morally superior because they scrub their own kitchen.
If op has the ability to give someone who needs it a full time job then good for her. Someone who needs work, has work.

Because she’s so good at her job?? Feels really mean.

OP I’m guessing it’s because the nanny sits and plays when DD asks her to, so is all fun all the time. You’re probably more “normal” with her.

Maybe spend some time taking DD to toddler classes or the park in the week etc to be out of the house?