To feel like DD loves her nanny-housekeeper more than me

[bringpositivitea]

My DD is 2, I'm a SAHM and we have a housekeeper / nanny who comes daily 9-3 on weekdays - she does all the cleaning, laundry, ironing, cooking lunch etc. The only thing I do is cooking dinner. So essentially I'm with my daughter all day, I try to plan really fun things for her like playdates, go to various playgrounds, soft play, feed the ducks, ride her bike, go to kid friendly museums etc. However if I have a doctors appointment or need to get something done (around 1-2 times per week when I'm gone for 3-4 hours) my daughter will stay with this nanny / housekeeper until I get back (they usually just go to the park).

It feels like my daughter loves the nanny / housekeeper (call her NH for short) more than me and I can't understand why. If NH is home when we are, she will prefer to play with NH over me and actively tell me "go away mummy" if I walk into the room they are playing in. If I'm dressing her for the walk she will request that NH does it instead. I don't stop them and it's now turned into them playing together just after her nap because if I ask whether she wants to go outside, DD will say no she wants to play at home with NH rather than go with me to the park or do anything with me...

Am I the only one who assumed that the OP has a serious illness or disability? She says that she is "full time mothering" except when she has medical stuff to sort out, but she also mentioned that she is out for 3/4 hours once or twice a week. So I assumed that maybe she is unable to manage stuff on her own, hence the housekeeper?

I’m guessing the house isn’t a 2 bed terrace 😂

Yes I assume OP must have some very serious health problems to require 6-8 hours of medical appointments per week.

I assumed similar when the Drs appointments are once or twice a week for three to four hours.

OP the NH is a god send and it’s great she loves her and it really will be just a novelty factor. It will wear off. Your DD loves you the most in the world.

Its been around for ages. Its a more validating way to answer the question 'what do you do?' than 'nothing' or 'just a mum'.

It's heartbreaking sometimes. I remember my DS running to the door when the nanny went to leave crying and saying he wants to go home with her.
Good news is that 15 years later he loves me plenty. He's still in touch with the ex nanny and they exchange warm messages at birthdays and christmas. But I am definitely preferred 😂
Maybe because I'm the one still here !

It not a zero sum game, where if she loves the nanny it means she loves you less. Do you know that song, 'love is something if you give it away, you end up having more?'

Your job is to prepare DC for the world, forming relationships with other people is an important part of that, it's healthy.

Why do people come on threads and then act baffled by things which are perfectly simple to understand. Just because it doesn't happen in your world doesn't mean it's impossible.

You said you had a housekeeper/nanny, who does all the lunch, cleaning etc etc, so I think you could forgive my confusion

The way you describe that you do lots of fun things, you listed a lot of going out is it that when at home with the Nanny it's more calm and is one on one with a / game puzzle etc.
I don't know but for me as a kid I loved time with my great Aunty as she just sat with us playing dominoes, cards etc and I loved it.
Some kids love going out but some kids love staying in for activities could just be yours is the latter and that's why she's drawn to the Nanny.
I would think of her as a grandma type and enjoy that they get on so well

I have custody of 2 of my granddaughters. I do everything, but they definitely prefer my next door neighbour (who is an angel btw) to me lol

Oh our little darlings do love to do this, all.part of the course of being a parent. Sometimes they do need to have reaffirmation we love them and don't want them to go away and live with their number 1 of the moment.

I've known someone who was very realistic about it...OK fine, do you want to go now and go home and pack your bags and say goodbye to us all? Result tears of course not. Xx

Absolutely this!

Both my DCs have gone through phases of preferring the housekeeper / their grandma / my sister - they’re fun, consistent adults who don’t demand anything of them. It’s good for them to learn to trust and feel safe with other appropriate + safe adults - and a healthy part of their development to feel ok being away from you. Especially trusting that mummy will always come back.

you’re good, she’s securely attached to you.

I am so jealous 😂! On all fronts. I have a little cling-on and have to do most of this housework one-handed.

Regarding your actual post, it's a phase. My older one went through a phase of jumping on strange men in the park (other kids' daddies) as he thought they were cool. My younger one idolises her nursery teacher. Kids have preferences from time to time but they know who their parents are.

You would think our dog loves our amazing cleaning ladies more than us, but they only spend a couple of hours here once a week during which they shower him with treats, kisses and lots of toy throwing etc.

They don’t have to discipline him, bathe or pick out his eye bogies, which he hates. If he lived with them, I’m sure he would resent them as much as he does us, when we subject him to this.

I think its a wind up.

What a lot of nasty people on this thread hoping this woman is sacked or has her hours cut just for doing a good job?

I hope karma get you and you find yourselves made redundant tomorrow

All kids do this sometimes. I remember clearly my grandfather was my world. Just as my child felt about hers. She does love you

Oh come on, she’s looking after a 2 year old all day. Not much ‘leisure’ in that.

It’s totally normal op, the housekeeper is just more exciting.

Ah yes fire the disposable help because they are too good at their job. 🙄

Glad you're not considering that OP. Xx

I agree with others, it's just a phase however maybe you could ask NH to initiate including you if they are playing? Like inviting you into their game/activity? However I suspect the most likely thing is that NH playing with her whilst you're out is a novelty and novelty is fun. It doesn't really mean anything, so just enjoy the fact you've found a brilliant NH that you don't have to worry about leaving your DD with. Xx

No, I thought the same. I was thinking that her life may not be so enviable as some posters imagine.

It isn't worth getting jealous over, it's a good thing for your dd to have multiple positive adults in her life.

You can set boundaries - your dd can understand that she can't play with her nanny today because she has other work to to and you have said she's going with you to the park.

@bringpositivitea ignore the jealous posters. I’m a sahm and have a nanny 4 hours per day every weekday as well as a housekeeper. I’m pretty sure every mom would if they could! It gives me time to go to the gym, cook meals, attend medical appointments etc and will eventually give me time to work up my cv and attend job interviews when I am ready to go back to work. There is a reason why (most) people who can afford help with childcare / housework outsource it. And also a reason why those with families living close by often enlist their help too! Sadly my parents live in another country so I don’t have this luxury.

To answer your question: you are doing nothing wrong and you have clearly raised a child who is secure enough to enjoy time with other known caregivers. That is a great thing! Sometimes my son does exactly the same, although if he is sick etc then only mama will do! Keep doing what you are doing and be glad that you have a lovely nanny for your little one!

You are jealous and should be ashamed of yourself.