To feel like DD loves her nanny-housekeeper more than me

[bringpositivitea]

My DD is 2, I'm a SAHM and we have a housekeeper / nanny who comes daily 9-3 on weekdays - she does all the cleaning, laundry, ironing, cooking lunch etc. The only thing I do is cooking dinner. So essentially I'm with my daughter all day, I try to plan really fun things for her like playdates, go to various playgrounds, soft play, feed the ducks, ride her bike, go to kid friendly museums etc. However if I have a doctors appointment or need to get something done (around 1-2 times per week when I'm gone for 3-4 hours) my daughter will stay with this nanny / housekeeper until I get back (they usually just go to the park).

It feels like my daughter loves the nanny / housekeeper (call her NH for short) more than me and I can't understand why. If NH is home when we are, she will prefer to play with NH over me and actively tell me "go away mummy" if I walk into the room they are playing in. If I'm dressing her for the walk she will request that NH does it instead. I don't stop them and it's now turned into them playing together just after her nap because if I ask whether she wants to go outside, DD will say no she wants to play at home with NH rather than go with me to the park or do anything with me...

I think some children crave a lot of attention from different people, not only their primary caregivers. My girl is a bit like that. I know she loves me but the minute she gets to have someone else’s company- she’s all over it. Won’t cry when I leave but she will give me the biggest hug.

I imagine that your daughter is so secure in knowing that you’re there for her that she’s happy to go out and explore on her own. So if anything, you’re doing a great job 👏

Why a wind up? The post isn’t asking anything about whether there’s enough cleaning for a housekeeper. Perhaps it’s a huge house, I mean there are plenty of them in the U.K. To call someone lazy when you know nothing about them, their situation, their health issues is completely out of order. Should wealth people not post on MN for non wealthy / money related questions incase someone is offended as they’ve got more than them? Everyone in life has different circumstances and if you think it’s justifiable to go around attacking anyone that has more than you, then you need to give your head a wobble.

Poster is asking about her little girl being attached to the housekeeper. That can be answered without any reference to money.

Go for a drive around your local area, have a look at all the houses. Are they all the same size of yours? There are some absolutely huge houses in my area. My friend is a cleaner and she could easily spend 6hrs a day in some of her clients homes. They aren’t all 2 up 2 down semi’s

I would just enjoy the freedom it gives you. It is probably because she spends more time with you. All dc are different. My older two preferred me to DH and nanny. But my youngest prefers DH to me, but me before nanny. She says it is because she does not see her daddy as often (he works long hours). If your dc is happy with your nanny/housekeeper, then that is great.

Thank you for being on of the maybe .01% of women on this thread who aren’t completely out of touch with real people’s lives.

I don’t think anyone thinks this situation is the norm. But does that mean it cannot be a legitimate worry?

I worked as a Nanny 8am-7pm Mon-Fri for a family with one child. They also had another weekend Nanny, a Housekeeper, a Chef and a Driver. It’s not uncommon in central London. Liked to call herself a SAHM but essentially hung out with her son for one hour in the morning and then tucked him into bed at night, I did everything in between.

There was a day when we were in the hall of the house getting ready to leave, Mum had come to say goodbye to us, little boy fell over and Mum and I were an equal distance away from him. He ran to me sobbing and arms up for a cuddle. His Mum fell to pieces, burst into tears, grabbed him out of my arms asking why he had run to me and not her. I mean I think we all know why 🤷🏼‍♀️ I was essentially his primary caregiver.

The point of my story is that this is not at all what is happening with you! I think you confused people by calling her a Nanny/Housekeeper. She is a Housekeeper and you look after your child as a SAHM while she does all the housework. Occasionally she babysits your child for a couple of hours while you go to an appointment. She is therefore a cool Aunt or Grandparent figure who plays with your child occasionally without having to tell them off or bargain with them to eat their peas. Please don’t be upset that your child thinks they are awesome, of course they love you more and I’m sure 100% in the scenario I described above your child would run to you for comfort.

And let’s face it if we could afford it, all SAHMs would love a Housekeeper 9-3 every day, while we could just enjoy lovely time with our children. And do none of the boring jobs. And have them occasionally watch the kids while we popped to an appointment. I certainly would!

i guess because OP doesn’t seem to do any actual parenting? She takes her daughter to do occasional activities and makes dinner. Otherwise, I’m at a loss for what exactly makes her a “stay at home mom,” I mean, the stay at home part is certainly there, but…? Maybe the answer to her question lies in actual parenting and the fact that she doesn’t seem to be doing it or even realize she isn’t is the real issue here. Hopefully she figures it out. But, like many people with this lifestyle the “help” ends up being the most loved “parent.”

I agree. It might be unusual but there’s a difference in people saying ‘fair play, if I had the money I’d do it’ and the jealous martyrs who would still spend hours doing housework even in a massive house with loads of money.
Why would you?

She clearly says she does lots with her daughter. That’s why she has the housekeeper- so that the housework is taken care of so she can spend time with her child.

The Nanny/housekeeper steps in for childcare when OP has appointments. Fair enough. Despite what people say on here a smear with a toddler is no fun for either of you.

I too find this puzzling!
If OP doesn't work, then why the need for a nanny/housekeeper?

That wasn’t the impression I got from the OP at all. To me it sounded like she does all the parenting while the NH cleans etc, unless she’s out at a medical appointment

''There was a day when we were in the hall of the house getting ready to leave, Mum had come to say goodbye to us, little boy fell over and Mum and I were an equal distance away from him. He ran to me sobbing and arms up for a cuddle. His Mum fell to pieces, burst into tears, grabbed him out of my arms asking why he had run to me and not her. I mean I think we all know why 🤷🏼‍♀️ I was essentially his primary caregiver. ''

This in spades.

Children do get very close to their Nannies.

Nannies are the ones spending most of the day with child/ren.

Oh just stop it 🙄

Probably because she's wealthy?

She's just there full time rather than part time and outsourcing the childcare. I was a full time mum until my ds started school and I went back to work as he was at school for 6 hours. It's not an attack on working parents. We do what we have to do.

It’s natural to feel jealous when your child appears to prefer another person over you. Of course she shouldn’t be ashamed of herself, don’t be so silly.

I wish I had a housekeeper !(she says as she's watching CSI, ignoring the washing up 😅)

Joking aside - it's nothing personal. It's just ages and stages. Toddlers are curious about the world around them and are starting to explore new things. Your toddler knows you, she knows how you play games, she knows your routine, she knows your voice, she knows how you'll react to boundary pushing, she also knows how strong your bond is and feels secure enough to"leave" you for a bit, because she knows you'll still be there when she's finished having great fun exploring everything about your housekeeper.

Honestly please don't feel hurt by it. The behaviour is normal

@oakleaffy absolutely anyone who knows anything about attachment theory knows that children run to their primary caregiver in times of distress.

The age of your child is the key, here.
This is so common with toddlers to prefer a particular person and to shout "Go away!" to anyone else!
It's no fun for the parent being shouted at, though.

Their emotions are still very immature at this age and they're gradually learning that they can actually love more than one person at once.

Give it time and your DD will mature. It doesn't mean she loves your Nanny best and she isn't intentionally rejecting you.
Try to keep your patience and continue to let her know that you love her.
It's not so long since she believed she was you!

Your daughter is seeing the NH do all the things to keep her safe fed and clean. So naturally a child will gravitate towards that. Is there really a need for someone else to be doing these jobs when your a stay at home mum? (Not having a go genuine question) it's a nurture thing. Yes your daughter is with you for the fun stuff, but part of nurturing is the cleaning and feeding etc to. You needto look at the bigger picture.

This sounds like nonsense! Do you have anything to back this up?

I think children gravitate towards the person who spends time with them, connects with them and does their personal care. I really don’t think they consider who does the housework and laundry as part of their nurturing! My kids certainly DGAF if our house is tidy. They’d much rather I was hanging out with them.

You are your daughter's world, they just like to test their own independence and decision making at that age.

Your set up at home sounds like the stuff of dreams.

That's a great outlook on it OP

Over time, as DD grows, she will be so lucky to have a loving Mum and the NH who she seems close too. As PPs have said, the dynamics are different between a Mum and DD and the lady who comes every week day.
How is she when NH goes home for the day?

I look after my DD much more than my husband. He’s great but just works longer hours. He went out for a night recently and my child (4) spent 20 minutes singing a song about how Daddy was her best friend and I wasn’t invited to her birthday party. Given that I am organising it, this song was particularly hurtful 😂. The next night she was ill and wanted Mummy!

My point, kids just like different people and particularly people who they don’t see as much because they are new and interesting. Don’t worry about it.

Not the point of the thread but very jealous of your nanny / housekeeper! I could do with that! I have a cleaner one day a week for three hours and I think I am in love with her.