To feel like DD loves her nanny-housekeeper more than me

[bringpositivitea]

My DD is 2, I'm a SAHM and we have a housekeeper / nanny who comes daily 9-3 on weekdays - she does all the cleaning, laundry, ironing, cooking lunch etc. The only thing I do is cooking dinner. So essentially I'm with my daughter all day, I try to plan really fun things for her like playdates, go to various playgrounds, soft play, feed the ducks, ride her bike, go to kid friendly museums etc. However if I have a doctors appointment or need to get something done (around 1-2 times per week when I'm gone for 3-4 hours) my daughter will stay with this nanny / housekeeper until I get back (they usually just go to the park).

It feels like my daughter loves the nanny / housekeeper (call her NH for short) more than me and I can't understand why. If NH is home when we are, she will prefer to play with NH over me and actively tell me "go away mummy" if I walk into the room they are playing in. If I'm dressing her for the walk she will request that NH does it instead. I don't stop them and it's now turned into them playing together just after her nap because if I ask whether she wants to go outside, DD will say no she wants to play at home with NH rather than go with me to the park or do anything with me...

😂and you don't, so why a nanny?

I honestly don't think this is it.
In fact doing lots of dull repetitive tasks like cleaning are very unlikely to make you attractive to children.
As lots of others have said difference and novelty matter much more.
It will also pass in time.

Maybe she sees you like mum and sees the nanny as a friend to play with. I'm assuming you dont have other children. My youngest always looks at my oldest since she was born and you get the idea that she loves him the most of us all, sometimes i felt jealousy too, she would only look at him and play with him if possible. I'm just mum 😉only needed when they want something haha

Surely it must.be !

It's an annoying phrase used by SAHMs designed to make working mums feel like shit.

You literally have no idea how big their house is or what their lifestyle is like.

I had a HK and lots of childcare help. I was also sahm. But we have a massive house and throw huge dinner parties every other weekend, so there's a lot to do.

I had a nanny help me with the kids for the first two years (two kids same age). We worked together. The kids loved both of us.
my attitude was that the more people they love the better for them and ultimately I felt secure in their love for me. i suppos the question is why don't you as it's very unlikely your child actually loves your HK more (even if she's more fun to play with atm). Do you think your anxiety about this could be showing? Can you factor in time when you do really fun things with your child alone?

and you don't, so why a nanny?

@Wellhellooooodear, just because the op doesn't work outside the home, does not mean that she can't hire in help. She is able to pay for household help, so that's great! It means she can spend time with her child and on herself/het health. What's so hard to understand?

Why not indeed, but my comment was in response to her saying that her husband works, like that's unusual!

Because she wants to.

Jesus you people are rude as fuck.

Read the comment I was responding to FFS 🙄

I did.

Why not indeed, but my comment was in response to her saying that her husband works, like that's unusual!

I didn't read it as anything unusual that her husband is the main household earner?

Oh dear I had a feeling some people would be salty about you having help at home.

As to your actual question: don't worry, toddlers love a sense of control. Pushing away mummy is probably just part of that. Especially as you are there all the time and NH is only around until 3pm (and presumably Monday to Friday).

I've seen this with toddlers "preferring" a SAHM over dad, telling mummy to go away etc.

It must feel hurtful but it will pass. And at least you aren't leaving a tearful clingy child when you pop out.

ps good for you for having domestic help. Some SAHM's have kids in nursery or school and do housework while the kiddos are out, lovely to do it the other way around if you can.

I don’t understand why posters are confused why the OP has a housekeeper? Well, because she can.

Why am I ordering a takeaway tonight, when I have time to cook? Because I can. Because, I want to.

I have a cleaner for a few hours a week, because I can and afford to. Why not?

OP was asked why she needed a nanny by another poster and she responded it was because DH works. I have zero issue with anyone who chooses to outsource jobs but don't act like it's the norm. Most people's DH work full time and more often than not so do mums. It's not a given that SAHMs who's DH work all have help and that's what she was implying which is fucking irritating IMO.

And one which requires a tiny violin

Lady of leisure commenters….if someone told you that they work as a live in nanny and have care of the child 24/7, but the family also have a housekeeper who can occasionally watch the child if they need to duck out to the doctors…

What would you say….oh, you don’t have a job? I think the nanny would be confused by that.

I also noted how nice it was that all the critics made sure to check that OP had no complicating medical issues before lambasting her for not doing everything.

I simply thought she meant that it was through her DH’s salary that they were able to pay for additional help.

An entertaining thread.

OP, everyone I know (including myself) went through this. It is perfectly normal and almost always overcome - without firing I add!

If you are happy with the lady as a housekeeper then try to work on your jealousy, as your dd will go to nursery soon I imagine.

For those baffled by a SAHM having such levels of help... Different people live in different ways. It is that simple 😉

You are guilt tripping! The nanny is only there 9-3.
The Op does her child’s breakfast, her dinner and bathes her. I think her child will absolutely regard her as doing the nurturing feeding/keep clean stuff!
I highly doubt my toddler sees me stuffing another load of washing on or pouring bleach down the loo and appreciates it.
Feeding the ducks, days out, nice bath, favourite food for dinner…all those things he appreciates. And the OP does exactly the same.
People are 100% jealous as the OP has a life where she can put everything she’s got into creating a lovely existence for her child (instead of emptying the bins and ironing yet another school shirt whilst toddler schleps around waiting to have fun).

Are you in the U.K.?

how much “housework” is there to do for 3 of you, surely not 6 hours a day worth? 🤯

This thread is a demonstration of how we are all different. I couldn't think of anything less boring than literally having nothing to do but entertain a two year old and cook dinner.

Not the point of the thread...

OP, your 2 year old is exploring the world and interacting with different people is a good thing...be glad that she feels secure and confident in the care givers around her.

What does it matter to you?

Your emjo suggests it does.