To feel like DD loves her nanny-housekeeper more than me

[bringpositivitea]

My DD is 2, I'm a SAHM and we have a housekeeper / nanny who comes daily 9-3 on weekdays - she does all the cleaning, laundry, ironing, cooking lunch etc. The only thing I do is cooking dinner. So essentially I'm with my daughter all day, I try to plan really fun things for her like playdates, go to various playgrounds, soft play, feed the ducks, ride her bike, go to kid friendly museums etc. However if I have a doctors appointment or need to get something done (around 1-2 times per week when I'm gone for 3-4 hours) my daughter will stay with this nanny / housekeeper until I get back (they usually just go to the park).

It feels like my daughter loves the nanny / housekeeper (call her NH for short) more than me and I can't understand why. If NH is home when we are, she will prefer to play with NH over me and actively tell me "go away mummy" if I walk into the room they are playing in. If I'm dressing her for the walk she will request that NH does it instead. I don't stop them and it's now turned into them playing together just after her nap because if I ask whether she wants to go outside, DD will say no she wants to play at home with NH rather than go with me to the park or do anything with me...

Don’t worry. I’m baffled too.
I have a 2 yo son. I work very part time, good hourly rate, I’m baffled at how someone can have enough to do in 6 hours around your house in the day, when sometimes at home with my 2 yo, I feel bored, especially when he’s taking a long nap.
the laundry for 3 people isn’t loads. I’m not jealous, just baffled why it’s needed.

altho when DS was a newborn I would have LOVED this

Why are you confused? She’s been very very clear! The fact she has a nanny and is also at home is your issue, but that isn’t what she’s asking. Nothing to do with us and if some of us are honest, we are just jealous she can afford to do that 😂

Why do you think people are jealous? Why would you want someone hanging out in your house all day who's not your pal or partner ??

This is brilliant. OP's last post was on Monday and is on page 2. 36 hours later there are NINE more pages of people still arguing over whether she deserves a housekeeper, what the required levels of cleanliness are for a family of 3, repeated histrionic mentions of slavery (!!!)... Bravo, Mumsnet. Some posters' sheer determination to mask their bog standard jealousy and envy as superiority and social concern never ceases to amaze.

I would be pleased. Of course a nanny will never replace a parent / be preferred. It’s a novelty / something different / she finds it fun. Parents who are jealous of childcare are weird tbh. And asking whether you’re doing something wrong because your DD seems to like her…?! 😵‍💫

I was a SAHM and would have done anything for someone to come in and take care of the house, especially as I suffer with a chronic illness.

OP mentions regular doctors appointments of 3-4 hours a week, which suggests to me she may have some health issues. Even if she doesn’t, it’s fine for her to have help.

This shouldn’t be up for discussion- whether the housekeeper has enough work. But let’s be honest a house doesn’t require ‘occasional’ cleaning.

There’s quite a bit, every day. I must do at least 2 hours - including making and cleaning up after breakfast, washing, putting away washing (I don’t iron but that takes a while) tidying up everybody’s shit that is in the wrong place. Making beds and tidying all the rooms (I don’t do this but it’s a job), then lunch -
cook and tidy up after lunch. You could vacuum. dust, etc etc. Then dinner rince and repeat (I work so this is fit in between that and kids stuff as most people do). My house never feels spotless and sorted.

I don’t do the extra stuff but I can see how a housekeeper in a large house with a small child would have enough to do. Then a bit of childcare on top.

Most people understand fine. There’s a lot of fake bafflement going on.

It’s always traditionally female work that people are derogatory about. Always house cleaners not bin men.

The OP’s housekeeper is unlikely to be cleaning up her shit. The OP, if she is anything like most people who have housekeepers in the UK, probably has a big house, entertains a lot, has a wardrobe that needs looking after and all the errands and shopping that come with a big house and entertaining.

Housekeepers in the UK can earn a good salary. There’s nothing in the OP’s post to indicate she’s an exploitive employer.

Being a domestic worker doesn’t mean you don’t have ‘enough’. Domestic work can be an a positive choice because of the flexible hours. Home workers should certainly be better regulated but many employers behave well of their own accord - having home employees doesn’t make you exploitative. Choosing to have help when you are a SAHP doesn’t make you less than someone who works.

No. I never said that, but I don't know what this OP has over you guys but it is a very weird thread.
Generally, if dad doesn't do any cooking and cleaning he is a total shite.
If mum does nothing but cook dinner she is lying around doing nothing.
This OP - total opposite.
Leaving it with you.

You're not doing anything wrong, I think this is being a mum! Our children love us but we are never the most exciting/funnist/coolest person, its just how it is. Fun aunts, other peoples mums, babysitters, teachers - they're all better. It's even worse once they're teenagers, because they'll tell you why you're not the funnest....
I remember as a teenager thinking my friends mum was so awesome, with her nice clothes and her sports car. Ear wigged on her telling my mum that her daughter was always complaining she wasn't "mumsy" enough and how everyone else's mum dressed normally and spent time doing mum things and it wasn't fair. You can't win sadly. Get a puppy maybe, my labrador absolutely adores me.

Honestly this post is coming across to me like NH does all the graft and caregiving, and your role is more like old fashioned upper class mums who had the children brought to them for playtime. Maybe that isn’t the case so if not I apologise. But honestly I think children bond better with those doing things for them (washing, feeding, etc) rather than those that are essentially just there to play where it could seem a bit forced?
The joy of being a SAHM in my opinion is that you are totally immersed with the children and they do everything with you, including the rubbish jobs like cooking and cleaning. You say you go out to appointments or to get things done a couple of times a week, but a SAHM with no housekeeper would be taking the child with them for all of those things too. Maybe your daughter just feels a bit distant from you? Maybe you could try to rebalance things a bit - next time you need to pop out to the shops, dentist, nail salon whatever take her with you and let her just enjoy your company. At home, maybe get her involved with making the dinner with you, get her to set the table etc.
Lastly, enjoy having your NH, she sounds lovely and it must be so nice to not feel swamped with housework all the time x

Also, for everyone baffled at the housekeeper, I live in the cotswolds and loads of people (not us we can't afford it and our house isnt big enough) do this. The house will be large enough to warrant it (many bathrooms and huge immaculate kitchens), the clothes will be beautiful and everything folded beautifully and organised perfectly, my friends bathrooms all have individual rolled up small hand towels like a hotel to try your hands on and the housekeeper takes them away and replaces them. It's wonderful, if you take time to imagine it all, I'm not jealous and I'd 100% do it if we won the lottery! It's just a different approach and it's hard to imagine it until you see it. Fair play OP, I bet your home is beautiful

I think maybe you have forgotten you are responding to individuals rather than some Borg MNetter.

It honestly sounds like she just wants to stay home more, and that when you're with her, you're understandably trying to take her out lots and do things, and she's actually enjoying the time that she's at home with the other person.

I think in most families a SAHP would be busy at least part of the day with the cooking, cleaning, washing etc, and thus children have more time at home, gradually learning to play and occupy themselves, which is a vital skill.

You mention medical issues which suggest that you have needed to bring this extra support into the house, to enable you to cope day to day? Even when you're at home do not feel that you need to occupy your DD all the time, or take her out continually. Leave her to play whilst you get on with other things, even occasionally.

This has to be a wind up? If not, it’s so out of touch with reality it’s painful to read. As a
SAHM, your job is all of the things NH is doing. I can understand having a cleaner come by a couple of times a week for a couple of hours, but 30 hours a week? That’s just laziness on your part.

Absolutely this! Who had a cleaner/housekeeper for 6 hours a day?!

It is refreshing to hear a mum who understands this. I was close to the children of a couple of friends’ dc. It was difficult to see that they obviously felt a bit miffed that the kids sometimes seemed to prefer me, but I knew that was absolutely not the case. No one can oust mum - unless she is abusive and even then many kids remain loyal to birth Parent. Some mums are just a little insecure but what they also don’t realise is that the kids often seemed to adore me because they were picking up on and reflecting their mum’s trust and affection for me.

So if people had all the money in the world they’d still spend hours doing housework? I bloody wouldn’t! It’s soo dull. There are many other things I’d rather be doing. I’d happily pay someone to do about 2 hours in my house every day if I had the cash. Maybe not 6 but I don’t have a huge house.

It sound like she is paid to do a household job. Why would you say she is a slave? Would you say someone who worked in a large royal household doing a similar role is a slave? Hotel housekeeping staff? What makes it slavery?

There are a lot of odd martyrish and jealous sounding posts on this thread.

Hahaha agreed! They would immediately be ranked my MVP in the house 🤣 I hate chores!!

As a
SAHM, your job is all of the things NH is doing. and here lies the problem. That really isn’t what a SAHM’s job is.

Exactly this!! Entitled or what !

Don’t worry, I’m a sahm but when my Dh gets home or the older siblings are their I’m bottom of the pile! And I do loads of nice thing as well.
you aren’t really bottom of the pile. You are her entire world. The other people are exciting extras.
Thats what I like to think anyway!

A sahm job is whatever she and her partner agree it is.

Oh come on. I too am jealous. But she’s clearly just lucky enough to get to just dedicate her day to the mum part of SAHM rather than also having to juggle the house etc. incredibly lucky but you don’t have to be a dick to her for it…