Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting parents to help out so me and DH can have a weekend away

663 replies

harveyluna789 · 04/03/2024 19:20

When I became pregnant with my first child my parents said they would never babysit as they finally have a life now after child rearing for 20 years - I took it with a bit of jest and thought that maybe when the baby was born they would change their mind but no - they have babysat once for a few hours about 10 yrs ago. Myself and DH are desperate for a child free weekend and don't feel our kids are quite old enough to stay on their own (16 and 14) so we have begged my parents to stay over and just to be a presence in the house and have asked to take my son to an audition 6 miles away(they are in their 70's) but very fit. They go on city breaks and travel all the time - hence the lack of babysitting. My son is autistic and if really pushed he could get to the audition by getting three buses but it would take him 3 hours. He refuses to get a taxi as the whole concept of getting in a car with a stranger freaks him out.There excuse is they are too old to drive him to the other side of town and he will just have to miss it or we don't go on our break!

AIBU to think just put your grandchild first for once? Or do I have to cancel our break so that my son can attend his audition?

I feel so guilty now for even contemplating a weekend away but I really feel me and my DH need this as we have never spent a child free night and possibly I think even a day and we just need a bit of reconnecting time.

OP posts:
Mischance · 04/03/2024 21:20

I am a grandma and would be happy to do this. But I am not your Mum/parents. They have their approach to this; I have mine.

I really think you need to just accept what they have said and never factor them into your child care plans. You are just flogging a dead horse.

Make your plans without including them in the child care role. That way you can't be disappointed!

Merryoldgoat · 04/03/2024 21:20

They sound selfish, therefore I wouldn’t leave my kids with them. I don’t allow anyone to look after them unless they actively want to.

Original poster
harveyluna789 · 04/03/2024 21:21

My DH and I are struggling in our relationship because we never get anytime together - and I know it is a luxury to have grandparents to help but we just thought as kids are older now asking for their help wouldn't be such an issue. I think the problem is because of the lack of help we have compensated by doing our own thing - I have been for weekends away with friends as has he, just never together so the children have never really had to cope with anyone else looking after them and I think they need to realise that we are not always going to be available as they get older because we maybe want to try and do more together.

My DD has plans with her boyfriend that day but she is going to see if his mum can possibly drive him there and then he can get a bus back.

OP posts:
LadyDaisy42 · 04/03/2024 21:21

harveyluna789 · 04/03/2024 21:04

They were great parents maybe too great because they gave everything up for us - we had a fab childhood and that's why they won't look after the grandchildren now because they did children for 20 yrs and they really (more my mum tbh) can't bear to be around children - they only see or stay with my brother when he doesn't have his kids otherwise they end up having to watch football play board games or be bored out of their brain talking about Lilo and Stitch!!!!! They were completely upfront with both of us when we had children and they haven't swayed from it one iota!!! My brothers kids are 8, 7and 5 and theyv'e probably only seen the 5 yr old once. They worked very very hard to make enough money to have a fab retirement with lots of travelling and socialising with friends and although they are very happy to see me and my brother and socialise with us it is only if kids are not involved.

I get that wanting to have your own life back once your kids are grown up, I think all parents appreciate that part. But to actively exclude your grandchildren from your life in that way is utterly bizarre. My mum doesn't babysit for me, never has done once. But she loves her grandchildren and enjoys their company when she sees them.

I wouldn't ask them for a single thing. Nothing. With that sort of attitude they don't deserve anything more from you than a yearly polite Christmas card.

Wexone · 04/03/2024 21:22

oh sweet lord I can't believe this. I am not tolerant of kids either but god i make an effort with my nieces and nephews babysit when ask. bring them for ice cream and the beach. I take an interest in their lives. yes they can be boring ( can't bear peppa pig ) and it's relentless but they are gas kids and come out with some funny things. its also fascinating seeing them grow and devolp them change so quickly. but it is great to hand them back 😉 I can't imagine how you feel with your parents attitudes
in this case if yoi can't afford to reschedule or cancel I would be asking friends or your brother for help. I would actually be telling yoir parents to f off and ask a friend to stay instead

CommentNow · 04/03/2024 21:26

I don't think you have a problem, you just dont have your preferred choice.

Grandparents will be a presence which was your minimum requirement.

DC can take buses to the audition.

You might prefer more involved grandparents who are willing to ferry your child around but thats not what you have, nor is it what you've asked for.

CommentNow · 04/03/2024 21:29

Whilst I think they are bad grandparents, I think you need to consider that they didn't choose to be grandparents and they were very clear that they didnt want to be.

They chose to have children and by your own admission, they were brilliant.

You went into this with your eyes open. I dont doubt you are devastate bt their choice. But it is their choice.

Where are DHs parents?

HelloMiss · 04/03/2024 21:29

Why don't you and DH get time together?

puzzledout · 04/03/2024 21:31

HelloMiss · 04/03/2024 21:29

Why don't you and DH get time together?

Because they've got two children. One is autistic. And no childcare.

Snoken · 04/03/2024 21:31

Is there nobody else you could ask? DHs parents, your brother? They clearly don’t want to do it so it will be a miserable weekend for your kids too.

InWalksBarberalla · 04/03/2024 21:32

I don't understand this. Your parents made it clear they won't be doing any childminding but that doesn't explain why you couldn't organise alternative care in all these years. Other (DH) family, friends, paid care?

Sunnydays0101 · 04/03/2024 21:33

harveyluna789 · 04/03/2024 21:21

My DH and I are struggling in our relationship because we never get anytime together - and I know it is a luxury to have grandparents to help but we just thought as kids are older now asking for their help wouldn't be such an issue. I think the problem is because of the lack of help we have compensated by doing our own thing - I have been for weekends away with friends as has he, just never together so the children have never really had to cope with anyone else looking after them and I think they need to realise that we are not always going to be available as they get older because we maybe want to try and do more together.

My DD has plans with her boyfriend that day but she is going to see if his mum can possibly drive him there and then he can get a bus back.

Surely, your DD can change her plans for one day and take care of her brother and get him to the audition and back. It doesn’t sound like she is asked to help out in this way too often so I’d actually expect her to to this for you.

byag1 · 04/03/2024 21:34

I would be so offended if my parents had this attitude about their grandchildren I would go non contact. I know that sounds OTT but I think they are being really hurtful. I wouldn't think twice about doing this for a friend, let alone my own flesh and blood. Disgraceful.

Angelsrose · 04/03/2024 21:35

I don't think it is unreasonable to want help, not at all. However it sounds like your parents put everything into raising you and your sibling and just want a break. It's not like that they have kept their thoughts secret from you. As such I don't think it's unreasonable of them to refuse tasks extra to the original agreement when it was already a bit of a stretch for them to help out in the first place. I'd ask friends to take your son to the audition.

echt · 04/03/2024 21:39

Where are the Dh's parents in all this?

Beezknees · 04/03/2024 21:40

CommentNow · 04/03/2024 21:29

Whilst I think they are bad grandparents, I think you need to consider that they didn't choose to be grandparents and they were very clear that they didnt want to be.

They chose to have children and by your own admission, they were brilliant.

You went into this with your eyes open. I dont doubt you are devastate bt their choice. But it is their choice.

Where are DHs parents?

If you don't want the possibility of becoming a grandparent then don't have kids at all! Incredibly selfish to have kids and then expect them NOT to have their own kids.

whatsappdoc · 04/03/2024 21:40

Honestly some of these 'selfish' responses! Go NC? Op has said they were good parents and that they had agreed to the babysitting weekend. It was only the introduction of Saturday afternoon taxi-driving that made them think twice.
Dh's parents?

Angelsrose · 04/03/2024 21:41

byag1 · 04/03/2024 21:34

I would be so offended if my parents had this attitude about their grandchildren I would go non contact. I know that sounds OTT but I think they are being really hurtful. I wouldn't think twice about doing this for a friend, let alone my own flesh and blood. Disgraceful.

I don't think that's fair. The op says her parents have been good to her. They have set out their stall and have said looking after their GC isn't for them. Not everyone has the time, energy or the inclination to be involved with their GC. It is not what I plan to do if I'm lucky enough to have grandchildren but I don't think people should be ostracised and cut out for having a different stance.

Samlewis96 · 04/03/2024 21:43

Beezknees · 04/03/2024 21:40

If you don't want the possibility of becoming a grandparent then don't have kids at all! Incredibly selfish to have kids and then expect them NOT to have their own kids.

Show quote history

What?? Bit extreme

NoelJo · 04/03/2024 21:44

Honestly they sound like terrible grandparents and by extension not that great as parents either. You don’t just stop being a parent when your child turns 18. I would tell them not to bother and either ask a friend or your brother otherwise cancel the trip.

wombat15 · 04/03/2024 21:47

They don't sound very nice. I get that they don't want to do any childcare but they haven't in the past and they are unlikely to ever have to beyond this weekend given your eldest is nearly 18. I would cancel the weekend and go no contact. They clearly don't care about anyone but themselves.

marmaduke12 · 04/03/2024 21:48

They sound awful, but is there absolutely nobody else who could take him to the audition? I've done so much driving around over the years, but it has always evened out with other families driving one of mine places other times. And you really should be able to have some time together by this age. What about when the 14yo goes to bed and your 16yo is out? Or get your 16yo to babysit and you guys go out for dinner.
In your situation I'd hire a uni student or similar ( the uni's always have kids who are looking for cash jobs) and get them to accompany your DS to the audition, wait and then accompany him home. Leave cash for your DS to pay them. All done.

Londonrach1 · 04/03/2024 21:49

Yabu re your parents. Their choice and they did tell you this. My parents couldn't have driven in their 70s either but everyone is different. You need to let this go.

You have three options here...go and your son misses the audition, stay and take him or get one of your friends to take him.

Beezknees · 04/03/2024 21:49

Samlewis96 · 04/03/2024 21:43

What?? Bit extreme

Show quote history

How is that extreme? If you have children, surely you are aware that you may become a grandparent one day. If you don't want that, don't have kids.

byag1 · 04/03/2024 21:50

I can't believe they have only seen their sons 5 year old once in the child's life!!