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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting parents to help out so me and DH can have a weekend away

663 replies

harveyluna789 · 04/03/2024 19:20

When I became pregnant with my first child my parents said they would never babysit as they finally have a life now after child rearing for 20 years - I took it with a bit of jest and thought that maybe when the baby was born they would change their mind but no - they have babysat once for a few hours about 10 yrs ago. Myself and DH are desperate for a child free weekend and don't feel our kids are quite old enough to stay on their own (16 and 14) so we have begged my parents to stay over and just to be a presence in the house and have asked to take my son to an audition 6 miles away(they are in their 70's) but very fit. They go on city breaks and travel all the time - hence the lack of babysitting. My son is autistic and if really pushed he could get to the audition by getting three buses but it would take him 3 hours. He refuses to get a taxi as the whole concept of getting in a car with a stranger freaks him out.There excuse is they are too old to drive him to the other side of town and he will just have to miss it or we don't go on our break!

AIBU to think just put your grandchild first for once? Or do I have to cancel our break so that my son can attend his audition?

I feel so guilty now for even contemplating a weekend away but I really feel me and my DH need this as we have never spent a child free night and possibly I think even a day and we just need a bit of reconnecting time.

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 04/03/2024 20:26

Sorry - I've reread this and I'm not sure which child has the audition. The 16 or the 14 yr old. If the younger, will the older one not fall on their sword [for a fee] and chaperone?

Mrsjayy · 04/03/2024 20:27

can your 16 year old take him or does it have to be an 18+

DrearyLane · 04/03/2024 20:28

As someone who will never get a child free weekend away, so I get it… yabu… they’re not going to be the parents/grandparents you want.

Craftycorvid · 04/03/2024 20:29

They were honest enough when you had children - but I am puzzled. They presumably chose to be parents themselves, but to treat themselves as having earned retirement from any childcare at all sort of suggests it was some kind of imposition for them to be parents in the first place. I do think it’s a bit much to expect grandparents to do daily childcare, for example, but the kind of one-off you describe doesn’t sound that onerous. Have they had any involvement at all with their grandchildren? Are they interested in them?

Autienotnautie · 04/03/2024 20:30

I'd cancel as it will be more stressful for your ds.

I agree they should step up but they haven't so far and it's unlikely they will be happy and willing now. They don't sound great tbh.

I'd leave it a couple more years.

beAsensible1 · 04/03/2024 20:31

harveyluna789 · 04/03/2024 19:54

I wouldn't mind if they were infirm and unable but they drive all round the country all the time - when they want to do something - they just don't like doing anything to help us because it eats into their leisure time. Most of their friends are in their late 50's early 60's and their social life is amazing - I think this is and always has been the problem helping us out means they can't do what they want to do, but it is 2.5 days in 16 yrs !!! Most Friday and Saturday nights they are out with friends and I think that is why they were reluctant to help because they won't be able to do this this weekend as they will be helping us out and I understand it is a massive ask but the kids will be no trouble - its just this one thing has come up.

OP do you or your husband not have any family or friends that can help you out. Or are your parents the only you can ask?

Or as other friends have suggested can the oldest not take him to the audition?

I just think you shouldn’t rely upon on them for childcare as they’ve been clear. Just as you and DH are gagging for a break and looking forward to the empty nest, they’re loving the one they have now.

in the 16 years you’ve not built a relationship with friends or a professional to provide occasional childcare?

NorthernPoppetPrincess · 04/03/2024 20:31

I’m sorry but your parents sound like terrible people.

Sunnydays0101 · 04/03/2024 20:32

Who is going to the audition, if it’s the 14 yo - can the 16yo not bring them, either via bus or taxi ?

Tatonka · 04/03/2024 20:34

Pay a babysitter ot get them to go to friends for the weekend (and return the favour). No big deal!

ancienticecream · 04/03/2024 20:40

Do they have friends they can stay with? If so, I'd offer the friend's parents a small cash token to take your DS to his audition, and you can repay the favour another time. Six miles is hardly a big ask.

Sorry about your lack of support from your parents. What a bummer.

grapeomelette · 04/03/2024 20:42

Your parents sound incredibly selfish. I feel very sorry for you OP.

Thedance · 04/03/2024 20:49

I'm sorry but when you have children you put them first. Weekends away alone are a luxury that many parents don't have. Taking your child to his audition is your responsibility not your parents. Surely you should be there to support him anyway. There could be many reasons they don't want to do it

Dragonsandcats · 04/03/2024 21:00

Thedance · 04/03/2024 20:49

I'm sorry but when you have children you put them first. Weekends away alone are a luxury that many parents don't have. Taking your child to his audition is your responsibility not your parents. Surely you should be there to support him anyway. There could be many reasons they don't want to do it

And then when they’re 18 presumably they’re an adult and you don’t feel you ever need to help them again? Just sounds like they’re massively selfish, don’t care about helping their daughter or having a relationship with their grandchildren. Seems odd attitude to me.

NewName24 · 04/03/2024 21:03

Thedance · 04/03/2024 20:49

I'm sorry but when you have children you put them first. Weekends away alone are a luxury that many parents don't have. Taking your child to his audition is your responsibility not your parents. Surely you should be there to support him anyway. There could be many reasons they don't want to do it

Don't be ridiculous.

16 years in, it isn't unreasonable to expect to be able to have a weekend away.
A weekend away that arrangements were in place for until something outside their control has sprung up unexpectedly on the same date.

Nobody loves a martyr.

Original poster
harveyluna789 · 04/03/2024 21:04

They were great parents maybe too great because they gave everything up for us - we had a fab childhood and that's why they won't look after the grandchildren now because they did children for 20 yrs and they really (more my mum tbh) can't bear to be around children - they only see or stay with my brother when he doesn't have his kids otherwise they end up having to watch football play board games or be bored out of their brain talking about Lilo and Stitch!!!!! They were completely upfront with both of us when we had children and they haven't swayed from it one iota!!! My brothers kids are 8, 7and 5 and theyv'e probably only seen the 5 yr old once. They worked very very hard to make enough money to have a fab retirement with lots of travelling and socialising with friends and although they are very happy to see me and my brother and socialise with us it is only if kids are not involved.

OP posts:
LtdEdition01 · 04/03/2024 21:05

Isthewashingdryyet nailed it!

DisappearingGirl · 04/03/2024 21:06

That's utterly shit of them OP! (I mean it would be different if they couldn't manage the drive - but doesn't sound like that's the issue)

Unless it's the audition of a lifetime, I don't think you should cancel your break. Maybe it's a good time for your son to practice a bit of independence, despite the autism. People have given some good suggestions. I guess the options are: he gets the bus; he gets a taxi (maybe you could do a practice taxi beforehand, and/or pay his sibling to go along); you persuade a friend to take him; or he doesn't go.

Christmaslights21 · 04/03/2024 21:09

You haven’t asked very much of them and I think they’re a pair of selfish fuckers. Entirely their prerogative- but they can’t be surprised when it inevitably impacts their relationship with you and your kids. I can’t imagine being so reluctant to spend ONE weekend with my grandchildren. How awful x

PaminaMozart · 04/03/2024 21:09

My brothers kids are 8, 7and 5 and theyv'e probably only seen the 5 yr old once

I can't get my head 'round this. I'm not often speechless, but unless your brother lives in outer Mongolia or similar.......WTAF

SecondUsername4me · 04/03/2024 21:11

Thedance · 04/03/2024 20:49

I'm sorry but when you have children you put them first. Weekends away alone are a luxury that many parents don't have. Taking your child to his audition is your responsibility not your parents. Surely you should be there to support him anyway. There could be many reasons they don't want to do it

We don't stop being ourselves when we have kids. Theyev not had a single weekend away in 16 years. It's not acceptable to sacrifice everything and forget yourself.

Intensiv14 · 04/03/2024 21:12

I think you have to explain to DS that he can’t attend the audition, which is sad for him. However I know GP set their stall out very clearly but I’m shocked that they don’t seem to want anything to do with the DGC. Do they not feel very rejected ☹️?

Witsend101 · 04/03/2024 21:14

Ask your brother to help you and then you can return the favour for him at some point in the future

flapjackfairy · 04/03/2024 21:17

wow your parents sound like selfish sods. They are being totally unreasonable.

puzzledout · 04/03/2024 21:19

I hope you've let them know you'll not be putting yourself out in their infirm years, because you'll be helping with your GC!

Selfish fuckers!

VanillaImpulse · 04/03/2024 21:19

Hope your parents have plenty of money saved for paid carers/nursing home as if I was you or your brother I wouldn't be helping them!