Getting parents to help out so me and DH can have a weekend away

[harveyluna789]

When I became pregnant with my first child my parents said they would never babysit as they finally have a life now after child rearing for 20 years - I took it with a bit of jest and thought that maybe when the baby was born they would change their mind but no - they have babysat once for a few hours about 10 yrs ago. Myself and DH are desperate for a child free weekend and don't feel our kids are quite old enough to stay on their own (16 and 14) so we have begged my parents to stay over and just to be a presence in the house and have asked to take my son to an audition 6 miles away(they are in their 70's) but very fit. They go on city breaks and travel all the time - hence the lack of babysitting. My son is autistic and if really pushed he could get to the audition by getting three buses but it would take him 3 hours. He refuses to get a taxi as the whole concept of getting in a car with a stranger freaks him out.There excuse is they are too old to drive him to the other side of town and he will just have to miss it or we don't go on our break!

AIBU to think just put your grandchild first for once? Or do I have to cancel our break so that my son can attend his audition?

I feel so guilty now for even contemplating a weekend away but I really feel me and my DH need this as we have never spent a child free night and possibly I think even a day and we just need a bit of reconnecting time.

Can't imagine not helping to make my dc's lives a bit easier /happier... Or my dgcs.. It's not like you asked them to carry him on their bloody backs...

Well, you get the parents you have, not the ones you want.

Can't understand grandparents like this were they awful parents too?

yes they do sound selfish. Fair enough to not want to commit to regular babysitting but twice in 16 years isn't much, and this is barely babysitting.
If they are otherwise happy but don't want to go to the audition, accept this so you can still go on your break but just think of a way around the audition element.

Would your son be okay in the taxi if his sibling or a friend went with him? Would your parents go with him in a taxi if driving is part of the issue for them? Do you have a friend or neighbour who could take him? If it's for an activity he does (drama/music etc.) could his teacher/coach/tutor take him if you offered to pay them for their time? Any of those would still be cheaper than losing your break.

Do you think it is more that they are annoyed that they firstly made it clear this isnt something they want to do. Then they agreed this once, reluctantly as you said they would simply have to be a presence. Now you are adding driving 6 miles, waiting for an audition to take place, driving back, so actually not just a presence at all, and they are concerned what’s next?

I think YABU because you changed the goalposts.

Get someone else to take DS to his audition.

Can the other DC not get in the taxi with the DC that needs to go to the audition? Or one of your parents. They won't have to drive. Just sit in the car??

Is the audition life changing or just missing out on a small part. Maybe his needs do need to come second this time??

Your parents sound difficult, and I'm sorry they aren't more obliging. But you now have a choice. You stay and bring your child to the audition, you arrange for someone else to bring him (friend etc) or he misses it.

Can he audition on zoom or by sending in a video?

Sorry op, i understand the frustration. We were 2 weeks out from our first time away in years when covid hit. Everything shut down and we didn't get away for 3 more years. I hope you can work it out

well they arent going to do sre thry. They have made that perfectly clear. I think its pretty mean but its up to them. Do you have any friends that your son is happy to get a lift from?

Commiserations, @harveyluna789 I’ve got the same type of in-laws!

As PP’s have said, see whether your DD would be willing to accompany your DS or try and find a friend to help out. Worst case, you may have to change your weekend away. We managed our first weekend away last year, just before DD turned 18 and DS was nearly 15. DS complained that she was a tyrant, telling him off for not doing the washing-up in a timely manner, etc. 😂

Now we’re waiting for DD’s return from uni this summer so we can schedule a couple more!

Yanbu imo - good luck to them should they become frail - it is give and take in families

They’re being so unreasonable! Have you sat down and talked it through with them? What did they say?
One short drop off and pick up to help the grandson is such a tiny ask, surely they would help out a friend in this way or are they generally very selfish? Do they realise this is how they are behaving?
Im sorry they’re being so unkind and I hope you get to have your break - it really sounds like you deserve it!

Just go on your weekend and leave your parents to figure out the audition or your ds will have to miss it.
Sounds like you need a break.

Your weekend away is booked and paid for. Your parents are reluctantly going to do the bare minimum of supervision.

The audition will just have to be missed. There will be other auditions

Or if it's 6 miles, taxi, walk, bicycle it in 25 mins. Appreciate the autism is a complicating factor but at 16 it's also time to square the potential consequences of being successful at the audition - is your DC proposing they are ferried everywhere by you for the rest of their days ? Alternatively, you find a professional sitter/student to accompany him and just throw money at the problem.

Your parents sound like a royal pain in the ass. I wouldn't factor them into anything again, it sounds more stress than it's worth. Are they going to expect you to have left them all a weekend of prepared cordon blu meals too?

They sound like utterly crap grandparents (and parents). All they’re missing out on is one weekend socialising- not that big a deal really! I’m sorry, I’d pay the 16 year old to take the 14 year old to his audition. Hope they don’t expect you to do anything to help them when they’re old and need help.

God they sound useless. Is there no other relative who could help? Aunty / uncle/ other set of GP’s ?

Do you think it is more that they are annoyed that they firstly made it clear this isnt something they want to do. Then they agreed this once, reluctantly as you said they would simply have to be a presence. Now you are adding driving 6 miles, waiting for an audition to take place, driving back, so actually not just a presence at all, and they are concerned what’s next?

Its one day, not even that - a few hours on one day. Why is everybody acting like 6 miles is an ocean away? I'm sorry but if you promise your daughter that you would babysit and they book a weekend away for the first time in 16 years and then you back out because you have to drive 6 miles (to help out your grandson) ...you're a shit parent.

They are already into their 70's and seem to be doing just fine......

Can the audition be rearranged?

It’s pretty obviously health and mobility are likely to decline with age though. 70s is not the same as late 80s

So maybe they have plans should they decline 🤷‍♀️

Whilst I can see how disappointing it is, surely, after 20 years of not having any babysitting or helping out from them, you have built up a network of friends and fellow parents that you can rely on.
I've had to ask other people to take my dc to music exams and to sports matches and the like over the years, and I've been more than happy to help out other people when they've needed that support.
Cancelling the break seems extreme.

I'd see if 1 of his friends parents can take him to the audition and see if the kids can stay with friends. you can't force or guilt your parents to do anything they said they wouldn't baby sit and to be fair they have stuck to their word.