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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting parents to help out so me and DH can have a weekend away

663 replies

harveyluna789 · 04/03/2024 19:20

When I became pregnant with my first child my parents said they would never babysit as they finally have a life now after child rearing for 20 years - I took it with a bit of jest and thought that maybe when the baby was born they would change their mind but no - they have babysat once for a few hours about 10 yrs ago. Myself and DH are desperate for a child free weekend and don't feel our kids are quite old enough to stay on their own (16 and 14) so we have begged my parents to stay over and just to be a presence in the house and have asked to take my son to an audition 6 miles away(they are in their 70's) but very fit. They go on city breaks and travel all the time - hence the lack of babysitting. My son is autistic and if really pushed he could get to the audition by getting three buses but it would take him 3 hours. He refuses to get a taxi as the whole concept of getting in a car with a stranger freaks him out.There excuse is they are too old to drive him to the other side of town and he will just have to miss it or we don't go on our break!

AIBU to think just put your grandchild first for once? Or do I have to cancel our break so that my son can attend his audition?

I feel so guilty now for even contemplating a weekend away but I really feel me and my DH need this as we have never spent a child free night and possibly I think even a day and we just need a bit of reconnecting time.

OP posts:
HelloMiss · 04/03/2024 21:58

@puzzledout

They are teenagers...not in their parents pockets

ISpyNoPlumPie · 04/03/2024 21:58

I think your parents are being awful - not because they won’t babysit on this occasion, but because they can’t be bothered to have any kind of relationship with their grandchildren. How callous and selfish. It never crossed my mind to appreciate the fact that parents would want to be a part of my children’s lives.

Elphamouche · 04/03/2024 22:02

I didn’t realise you stopped parenting when your kids became adults.

I think their behaviour is shocking to be honest.

saraclara · 04/03/2024 22:03

I find it odd that you say that they were fantastic parents to you, and yet they were somehow able to flick a switch once you were 20 and say 'that's it' quite so thoroughly.
That's just so unusual. I can understand people who were uninvolved parents being uninvolved grandparents. But not going from one extreme to the other. It must be really hard to get your head round @harveyluna789

beAsensible1 · 04/03/2024 22:09

InWalksBarberalla · 04/03/2024 21:32

I don't understand this. Your parents made it clear they won't be doing any childminding but that doesn't explain why you couldn't organise alternative care in all these years. Other (DH) family, friends, paid care?

its bizarre, to have not built a support network outside of each other. that couldn't help with 6 months notice.

what if something happened to them?

wronginalltherightways · 04/03/2024 22:10

Can you not hire a recommended uber driver and pre-introduce your child to said driver so they're not a 'stranger'?

I wouldn't be bending over to help your parents down the line should they want your help, tbh.

Curioustoknow1 · 04/03/2024 22:11

Personally I'd try & rearrange if you can & take your son to his audition. You'll only be thinking what's happening at home if you do go away.
Me & my husband are exactly the same- never had any time away just the two of us or evenings out in the past 18 years, but we don't have much family, - & the family we do have, have always made it very clear they're not interested in our children.

Samlewis96 · 04/03/2024 22:11

Beezknees · 04/03/2024 21:49

How is that extreme? If you have children, surely you are aware that you may become a grandparent one day. If you don't want that, don't have kids.

Show quote history

I'm sure the majority of people don't look that far ahead. .When you get pregnant you are hardly planning on what your kids might be doing 35 years later lol. And it's not a grandparents responsibility to look after kids. Especially the way some adult children dictate rules to their parents about the kids. I do have one of my 3 grandkids occasionally though

BeaRF75 · 04/03/2024 22:16

Why does it have to be your parents doing this? I used to travel 200+ miles to look after friends' kids for a weekend, so that their parents could go away. Starting from when the children were 2 or 3 years old. I think you need to be a bit more imaginative, OP!

Mumoftwo1312 · 04/03/2024 22:17

byag1 · 04/03/2024 21:34

I would be so offended if my parents had this attitude about their grandchildren I would go non contact. I know that sounds OTT but I think they are being really hurtful. I wouldn't think twice about doing this for a friend, let alone my own flesh and blood. Disgraceful.

I agree.

Not only would my dm and ILs do this in a heartbeat, so would my BIL, SIL, aunts-in-law etc. I can't imagine any extended family member saying no to driving a 12mi round trip as a one-off favour. And if they couldn't drive (like my DM can't), they'd happily sit in the taxi with the child.

I'd also go no contact if I were op, I really would. Or very low contact. What do op's kids get from the relationship? Nothing.

Imagine only meeting your 5yo grandchild once in his life. They're basically low contact with their kids already, surely.

muggart · 04/03/2024 22:22

Wow they are being very hurtful, it sounds like your mum feels resentful and taken advantage of for having to do it all herself when you were young.

With 6 months prep can you not get your son used to the idea of taking a taxi? You can use a taxi firm and probably even introduce him to the driver before hand,

BusyMummy001 · 04/03/2024 22:28

I totally hear you - I have 2 kids on the spectrum now 15 and 18 (older one bright but MH issues/EUPD/ADHD mean she cannot live independently in the near future). DH and I have not even had a single night away together in 19 years. I go away for a few nights, he juggles work to be home; otherwise I’m the home carer while he works (which involves considerable travel). Kids have gone to grandparents only when I’ve needed major surgery and DH had to travel with work.

However, the kids’ needs have to come first when they have SEN - and this means arranging care in advance of booking time away.

My DS is off to boarding school in Sept at 16 so we’re hoping to finally book some mini breaks together. It will involve persuading one of my sisters to wfh at our house, though. It’s shit, but these are the cards we’re dealt.

I’d move your weekend away to a time when parents (or someone else) can help and when your DC does not have an important event, such as an audition.

Noseybookworm · 04/03/2024 22:29

I'm not sure that I would want a relationship with my parents if that's how they felt about my children 🫤 isn't there anyone else at all you could ask? In laws, siblings, friends? You could offer a reciprocal agreement when you take care of a friend's kids while they have a weekend away?

saraclara · 04/03/2024 22:32

I'd also go no contact if I were op, I really would. Or very low contact.

Would they even notice? They must all be naturally very low contact already, given that the GPs choose not to be anywhere near their grandkids.

Mumoftwo1312 · 04/03/2024 22:37

saraclara · 04/03/2024 22:32

I'd also go no contact if I were op, I really would. Or very low contact.

Would they even notice? They must all be naturally very low contact already, given that the GPs choose not to be anywhere near their grandkids.

They might not notice, no. It wouldn't be to send them a message... it would be so op could drop all expectations and obligations. If I were op that'd be a load off my mind

Jl2014 · 04/03/2024 22:37

I would change the weekend of the break.

Your parents sound like absolute arseholes. I completely get if they didn’t want to get hooked into regular babysitting or taking younger kids instead of nursery etc. But to not even do the odd weekend for you is just horrible. If I were you I’d be equally as selfish as they get older and start to need any help. Would be a flat no.

Original poster
harveyluna789 · 04/03/2024 22:59

I have wasted so much time and energy over the years trying to fathom it all out but I will still admit they were great parents and gave us a fantastic childhood and brought me and my brother up with such good morals. She admits that after 20 years she finally got her life back and now she can do what she wants when she wants.

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 04/03/2024 23:03

It is scarcely credible that two people could be such raging arseholes towards their own kith and kin, it almost goes against nature. I know lots of people their ages who have great full lives with lots of travel, fun, etc but in every case, woven throughout, is their relationship with their families and old/close friends which involve good times together but also mutual support, care and putting themselves out sometimes. The two do not have to be mutually exclusive. I cannot fathom being in the final third of my lifespan and being that shallow and lacking in understanding of the importance of human relationships above pretty much everything else. I am so sorry OP, you and your children deserve so much better than this.

theleafandnotthetree · 04/03/2024 23:07

harveyluna789 · 04/03/2024 22:59

I have wasted so much time and energy over the years trying to fathom it all out but I will still admit they were great parents and gave us a fantastic childhood and brought me and my brother up with such good morals. She admits that after 20 years she finally got her life back and now she can do what she wants when she wants.

But lots of people are wonderful giving parents and don't switch the tap off after 20 years. And my son is almost 18, the thought of saying in 2 years, ''yeah, I'm done' is sort of bizarre to me. Have you challenged her on this, it is an extremely unusual perspective. But even setting aside obligations, why doesn't she WANT to spend time with you guys, be close etc. That's the most hurtful thing of all.

potato57 · 04/03/2024 23:08

What part of, "we don't want to babysit your children and never have," (a clear boundary) made you think that sixteen years later as two 70+ year olds, they'd suddenly want to be solely responsible for looking after two teenagers, at least one of whom is autistic, and drive them to an audition, all while you're in a different country and can't exactly dash back if needed?

Not everyone likes the reality of having kids. People tend to dislike their kids more the older they get, but it doesn't show as much as people who just aren't natural parents.

Original poster
harveyluna789 · 04/03/2024 23:09

DH's family is small like mine and they all live 30 miles away. I have always envied the big close families that my friends have and I think I always thought because my parents were so involved they would be the same as grandparents.

I know deep down I am probably expecting too much of them as they were only doing it on the premise they could do their own thing and now I am expecting them to take their grandson somewhere which means the afternoon is not their own although the theatre he has to go to is in a nice part of town so they could have a coffee somewhere. It is a good opportunity for him but they only see it as inconvenience to them - rather than an amazing opportunity and experience for him.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 04/03/2024 23:10

Pay a nanny type person.
A student?

NewName24 · 04/03/2024 23:12

I get that wanting to have your own life back once your kids are grown up, I think all parents appreciate that part. But to actively exclude your grandchildren from your life in that way is utterly bizarre.

Completely agree.

Fingers crossed that dd's bf's Mum is a much nicer person than your parents are.

Original poster
harveyluna789 · 04/03/2024 23:13

potato57 · 04/03/2024 23:08

What part of, "we don't want to babysit your children and never have," (a clear boundary) made you think that sixteen years later as two 70+ year olds, they'd suddenly want to be solely responsible for looking after two teenagers, at least one of whom is autistic, and drive them to an audition, all while you're in a different country and can't exactly dash back if needed?

Not everyone likes the reality of having kids. People tend to dislike their kids more the older they get, but it doesn't show as much as people who just aren't natural parents.

Edited

I think because they literally don't have to do anything and can go out all day walking if they want to , sit and watch films all day, do crosswords all day. The kids don;t need them during the day. My mum doesn't cook and said she won't cook for them so my 16 yr old will cook and they will have a take away one night - they are literally just a presence in the house. Obviously now I know I made a massive mistake and regret the whole thing massively.

OP posts:
echt · 04/03/2024 23:21

DH's family are only 30 miles away. Why can't they help?

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