Getting parents to help out so me and DH can have a weekend away

[harveyluna789]

When I became pregnant with my first child my parents said they would never babysit as they finally have a life now after child rearing for 20 years - I took it with a bit of jest and thought that maybe when the baby was born they would change their mind but no - they have babysat once for a few hours about 10 yrs ago. Myself and DH are desperate for a child free weekend and don't feel our kids are quite old enough to stay on their own (16 and 14) so we have begged my parents to stay over and just to be a presence in the house and have asked to take my son to an audition 6 miles away(they are in their 70's) but very fit. They go on city breaks and travel all the time - hence the lack of babysitting. My son is autistic and if really pushed he could get to the audition by getting three buses but it would take him 3 hours. He refuses to get a taxi as the whole concept of getting in a car with a stranger freaks him out.There excuse is they are too old to drive him to the other side of town and he will just have to miss it or we don't go on our break!

AIBU to think just put your grandchild first for once? Or do I have to cancel our break so that my son can attend his audition?

I feel so guilty now for even contemplating a weekend away but I really feel me and my DH need this as we have never spent a child free night and possibly I think even a day and we just need a bit of reconnecting time.

Yes i appreciate OP has moved the goalposts with the audition issue.
But again if all the grandparents are willing to do is ‘sleep in the house’ how does that translate to not just sleeping in the house.
Guessing OP helped organise or at least agree to the audition. So it’s on OP to organise that activity.

Im not saying I agree or disagree with the gps. Just that OP knew the score with her parents and now she seems upset that they are sticking to the original deal.

I don’t think you are being U at all OP. Yes your parents have every ‘right’ to refuse to help but at this point they just sound incredibly mean-spirited and selfish. They’d rather your son have to do a three hour bus trip, or you have to cancel your trip abroad for the sake of six miles? It’s not like you knew about the audition at the time of booking either.

It’s odd to me that they were ideal loving parents to you but seem to find their grandchildren unbearable. I guess there are people who can’t bear children except their own and that that can extend to grandkids, but I find it very hard to get my head around. Sorry OP but I wouldn’t want to have my parents around my kids at all if I knew they couldn’t bear their presence.

As far as the trip goes its too late now so I would go ahead with the weekend away and pull out all the stops to get your son a lift with someone he trusts. If other family is not an option hopefully you find a friend or similar - most people are not like your parents and are more than happy to help out with this sort of thing. And for future trips etc.. I would not be asking my parents ever again or wanting them to be around my kids (which I guess would suit them down to the ground anyway!)

What, you couldn’t cope with a polite teen who sits quietly in their room playing video games and comes down for meals at set times? Has a shower at a set time. Goes to bed at a set time. Wouldn’t say boo to a goose?

They’re not all like this but most are. Do you think we all punch doors and trash the house?

Ask one of your friends to drive him and give them a nice gift voucher as a thank you! I had to do this recently and I felt so awful for asking and so uncomfortable for about 15 minutes. But it was fine. I rarely ask for help from anyone and at the end of the day if it would break a friendship, it isn't a friend anyway.

They probably have zero expectation in that regard

Well, yes - it may be normal - but OP's parents have consistently made their position clear
/

My in-laws told me when I was expecting my first child that they wouldn’t ever help. And I’ve literally NEVER asked them for anything. They’re selfish bastards. They’ve lost out, my children are funny, loving and clever, they adore my parents but have always been very wary of the cold, unloving in-laws.

Out of principle I would never ask your parents for help again OP, and let’s hope they don’t need yours when they’re a bit older. I’d cancel the trip, tell your mother your marriage is a bit rocky and this trip was much needed. But you’ve had to cancel as you’ve got no-one to rely on, not even your parents. Say ‘you and Dad are fit and well now but in ten years time when you’re in your 80s don’t come running to me when you need trips to the hospital, help round the house etc. My children will have flown the nest by then and it’s my time to travel, I’m not gonna be tied down by eldery parents, who did not help me once.

Yanbu op. Your parents are selfish. I’d drive your son to the audition so that you can relax on your weekend away, and I don’t even know him!

Well let's hope reality doesn't come back to bite.

Agreed. I think it's one thing not wanting to provide regular childcare, but being unwilling to help at all? Ever? That's very strange IMO, and not really in the spirit of family. Presumably OP would help them out if they needed.

Family help each other - most people also believe in helping their friends and neighbours, even strangers!

This is incredibly odd, they've only seen their own grandchild once? Is there a backstory here, a reason they don't want to be around children? I literally don't think I've ever heard of grandparents being willing to socialise with their children but not with their grandchildren!

When they start to get elderly I wouldn't be helping them out at all.

Only babysat once in 10 years!

Absolutely noone said they should "raise" OP's son. Not one person.

We are talking about ONE time here, not them babysitting every day.

If they cannot even help out once in 16 years then yes, it would absolutely make me think that when they are old, they can manage on their own. Why should their retirement be entirely their own but OP has to sacrifice hers to look after them???

on another of the op’s threads she says

*I see my family a couple of times a year and very rarely altogether so this is something I would really really love to do

her parents have to be driven to her by a sibling because they don’t like driving far

and that due to her parents ages, her birthday celebration needs to be over lunch rather than the evening

and this thread, she’s expecting rather a lot of them 🤔

back in Jan the OP’s daughter was 17

They are out every weekend night with younger peeps are they?
Are they swingers perhaps 😆
They sound incredibly selfish and entitled. Get your son to his audition somehow, have your weekend away then leave them to it. Concentrate upon your other family, 30 miles is not far

The OP has been a tad economical with the truth in this story, looking at a previous thread about her birthday (when it was her DH not doing what she wanted). In January, about her parents who on THIS thread apparently should be willing to do this drive with the teenager to his audition, she wrote "I have (to) rely on my siblings to bring my parents as they don't drive far now."

Now, given the parents did originally agree to babysit the two teenagers UNTIL they were then asked to do this drive across town, I'm not sure they're being quite so unreasonable as we're being asked to believe.

I'm going to go against the grain and say your parents are being unreasonable. It sounds like they are fit and healthy, 70s is hardly old and if they are fit enough to go out to the theatre and meals etc they should be able to cope with driving to a new area of town. They're retired so I assume they have plenty of free time and therefore can sacrifice one day for their own flesh and blood. Anyway the next time your parents ask you for a favour tell them a firm No it works both ways

Good Lord...

”going against the grain”

have you read the thread? loads have said that (i’m not one of them though!)

My parents are the same

ive either to wait until they’re old enough or ask someone else

i wouldn’t of ever booked the break without confirming everything first.

If OP mother also felt desperate for a break due to lack of support is her child rearing years, I’m sure she would be far FAR more understanding of the need for support as a mother. She is a terrible mother and grandmother as is her husband. Parenthood extends beyond the years you are needed to physically raise very young children. There isn’t a cut off point. Why did they bother having children if they were only willing to do it for a restricted number of years?

I do hope this comes back to bite them when they become very elderly and need support, lifts to appointments, shopping, even care- yes they obviously feel their social life is important to them, but we all must make sacrifices; nurturing your relationship with you children/ grandchildren and the sacrifices that come with that would pay off when they become unable to maintain a social life and then they themselves need help. It’s all give and take. They are horribly selfish people, it honestly amazes me how these threads always go with people tripping over themselves to tell the OP how unreasonable they are to expect their own PARENTS to offer some support with their own grandchildren.

Regular childcare to cover work commitments for example Is far from this, they have babysat ONCE in 16 years, that is a low low bar. I feel sorry for all the posters that clearly have been so unsupported by their own parents for child caring that they feel this is the norm. It takes a village they say.. that saying hasn’t evolved from thin air. It’s normal to WANT to help those you love.

so sorry OP, really hope you get your well deserved break 💕

economical with the truth

hasn’t she just

According to other thread
DD 17
Parents have to be driven to her as don’t like travelling far
Parents are so elderly and / or ill that the Op’s birthday celebration can only be over lunchtime and not the evening

My parents are exactly the same. I don’t bare a grudge at all

not all GP are up for babysitting kids.

Well I asked the same question.

Her kids are 14 & 16.

Op also put that the kids should be getting used to the idea of parents not being there all the time and that they pretty much keep to themselves.