Getting parents to help out so me and DH can have a weekend away

[harveyluna789]

When I became pregnant with my first child my parents said they would never babysit as they finally have a life now after child rearing for 20 years - I took it with a bit of jest and thought that maybe when the baby was born they would change their mind but no - they have babysat once for a few hours about 10 yrs ago. Myself and DH are desperate for a child free weekend and don't feel our kids are quite old enough to stay on their own (16 and 14) so we have begged my parents to stay over and just to be a presence in the house and have asked to take my son to an audition 6 miles away(they are in their 70's) but very fit. They go on city breaks and travel all the time - hence the lack of babysitting. My son is autistic and if really pushed he could get to the audition by getting three buses but it would take him 3 hours. He refuses to get a taxi as the whole concept of getting in a car with a stranger freaks him out.There excuse is they are too old to drive him to the other side of town and he will just have to miss it or we don't go on our break!

AIBU to think just put your grandchild first for once? Or do I have to cancel our break so that my son can attend his audition?

I feel so guilty now for even contemplating a weekend away but I really feel me and my DH need this as we have never spent a child free night and possibly I think even a day and we just need a bit of reconnecting time.

OP, I do wonder if they were actually such great parents? I'd peruse the stately homes threads and see if you can relate.

TWO teens! Not just one...that is a big ask.

It was unwise to have booked a weekend away without having teen care already in place.

Hire someone, honestly just hire someone. There are lots of agency's out there with CRB checked staff who you could hire for the weekend. Of course it would be more expensive but honestly it sounds like it would be much less stress.

You could hire someone you think your teens would get on okay with, then you can use them again, without all the stress. Don't try and understand your parents, I've given up somewhat.

I'm sorry they are so odd, because honestly their behaviour is far from the norm.

Your parents made their position clear and so it’s irrelevant whether we think they or you are being unreasonable. Our opinion won’t change their mind, presumably. You must work out how important the audition is and make the decision regarding your break on that basis. They are your children and your responsibility, like it or not, it’s that simple.

I’m ND, I helped raise my brother who is ASD and my step DS is ASD as well. If I were in your situation, I would see this as an opportunity to help my DC learn a new skill towards being more independent. I would find a local taxi driver who is available for the pick up and drop off for the audition, explain the situation and then also book them for 30 mins prior to the weekend away. The idea being is the taxi driver would come in, meet my DC, then we’d go for a 20 min drive to help my DC get used to the situation. If I needed to repeat this I would. It’s an expense but well worth it if my DC then feels comfortable enough to use a taxi in an emergency. If it doesn’t work then at least you tried, and then just keep trying every year or so as well in the hope that they learn to adapt.

@harveyluna789 30miles is nothing, my sister lives 35 miles away and I saw her this morning for coffee.

Could your DH’s family perhaps come and take your son to his audition?

@harveyluna789 , I'm so sorry. This thread makes me want to cry - of course it's not unreasonable that you might hope your parents would do this for you (for the first time in 16 years). I'm sad for you, your kids, and (in some ways most of all) for your parents. Of course they should be allowed their boundaries, and there's little you can DO about this now - but how sad for them that they have no relationship with their GC. That they've met one of your DB's kids only about once is mindblowing to me. I hope you find a decent solution to the weekend issue (others have made good suggestions involving friends, etc.?), and that you and DH get a good weekend away ASAP. All the best.

I feel sorry that your parents are so unbending and that they seem to have little interest. It is a shame.

The desperation for a break you are feeling is probably what your mother felt too for 20 years. Child-rearing is relentless if you don't have a community or network of support around you. I'm sure she was terrified of being sucked back into that role when she became a grandmother, so she put her foot down from the start. It's quite a big thing then that she agreed to come and stay for the weekend. But now you're trying to move the goalposts and put more responsibilities on her. Don't. Just be grateful for the little help you don't get because it won't take much for even that to disappear.

Still want to hear from OP about why the other grandparents can't help...

It's a sign of the times how selfish and self-centred humanity is, that grandparents don't want to help it with Grandchildren. Especially considering I am sure they had support from their own parents.

Yes, this. Honestly - I am the first person to say that there should never be an expectation that grandparents will provide childcare, they have done their time etc etc but this is absolutely ridiculous. OP has said that they are fit and active and spend most of their free time on city breaks, yet they can’t look after their grandchild for one miserable weekend?! Their selfishness is staggering. I can’t imagine behaving like this if my daughter ever has children.

OP - do you have a good friend who would be willing to drop your son to his audition? Or any chance of moving the dates of the trip even if it incurs a fee? If you are moving it rather than cancelling you may have more options than you realise depending on who you booked it through.

Maybe they're sick? Maybe they don't drive? Maybe they're even more horrible? Maybe it's irrelevant to OPs relationship with her own parents? Maybe that's for her DH to answer?
The fact that someone else could possibly step up has nothing to do with whether or not OPs parents could step up.
You could spend your whole life going round in circles asking questions like that

YANBU to hope the PIL would step up. YABU to have already made travel plans based on the assumption they would, especially when they had previously made it clear they would not.

Absolutely. But it's only the OP's parents who are getting the massive kicking on the thread.

If the others won't help either, I think it's relevant.

DM never once babysat, not even in an emergency. Now, she did rear her own and entitled to choose but she's babysat for others in the family in a heartbeat.

So I built up my network of friends and ILs that would help me - honestly, we have a night away about once a year so it's never been that we were expecting anything excessive.

Anyway, now DM's health is failing and who's her first call in an emergency or when she needs someone to bring her to an appointment? The ones who got all the babysitting are conveniently too busy to help. So it's all on me. And I'm struggling with that now.

Where do you live OP? If on the tiny chance you’re local to me, I’ll come and meet your son first and then drive him to his audition. I have personal and professional experience of autism and know what it’s like not to have family support.

You can't expect OP to feel the same about anyone else as she does about her own parents.
Imagine if we all went through life saying "nah can't someone else do it"? Nothing would ever get done.

I’m very surprised you booked this break without organising someone willing to look after your kids.
You state your parents set the boundaries early on so why ignore them. Why didn’t you arrange support using someone that is happy to help rather than relying on those that aren’t.

There's quite a lot of empty space between relentless child-rearing and never even meeting your own grandchildren!

They sound fucking horrible parents TBH OP. The way you talk about your childhood and how they talk about it, it sounds like something they resented and gritted their teeth through, an endless sacrifice, rather than hard work but loving and warm.

I can understand people not wanting to spend their whole retirement with GC but they seem to see childrearing as an entirely one-way street, they get nothing back. If I was their child I would find that insulting and offensive.

What you do about this particular situation - go for a spa day or something with DH another day, take son, relish your lovely children and think about how to avoid your parents' toxicity.

In a couple of years your kids will be much more independent - I bet you're not counting the days until you can wash your hands of them!

@Wingham OP explained her parents were happy to help so long as all they had to do was sleep in the house.

Son then got audition and autism makes transport challenging. GP aren't willing to spend daytime hours driving him to it.

My kids are almost the same age as yours and we’ve never had a child free weekend away. I’d absolutely love it but we don’t have anyone willing to have my children so that’s it really.
It’s not great and I do envy others who do have support but I also know it won’t always be like this. You can’t just put this responsibility on to someone.

Oh those other grandparents...
We lived 300 miles from one set who were carers to an extremely disabled daughter.
The others died before the kids were born.
Possibly the other grandparents have a reason for not helping...

Yanbu.

it’s shit and I’m sorry they’re so reluctant to help. It’s really hard when you have no support raising kids, and it wears on you after years and years and years of having no time, just you and your partner. Dh and I have no local family and I have pretty much zero family, and what I wouldn’t give for just one night somewhere just the two of us.

im sure you’ll get a battering in here for being upset that your parents won’t help. Yes they said they’d never babysit, yes your kids are your responsibility and they don’t have to do anything they don’t want. That can all be true and it can still be shit and feel crap, that the people who are supposed to love you and have your back, can’t put themselves out a little bit just this once, so you can do something nice as a couple.

@NoCloudsAllowed Not everyone enjoys childrearing. It's nasty to call people who found it difficult and now relishing the end of it "toxic". There are always people who can't imagine why anyone would want to be away from their children for even one night because children are such a gift and a joy etc. But it's not that way for everyone. It wasn't that way for the OP's mum, and it isn't that way for the OP either. She wants a weekend away. Her relationship is suffering because of this lack of alone time. After 16 years so far of child-rearing, she should really have more understanding of how her mother feels than the people who can't imagine being away from their children for one instant. It had zero to do with love or toxicity.