Son offered 100% bursary, but suddenly wants to go to the local school - AIBU to overrule???

[Abettertime]

Nervous about posting this for fear of flaming from the indie school haters but need some help!

My eldest child dreamed of private school. The local state provision is fine, but no frills and at the open day, the teachers seemed disinterested. They begged to try for a bursary at the local indie. I thought it was a very long shot but didn’t want to not allow them the opportunity to try, so entered them. They sat the exams, and did well enough (and we are poor enough) to be awarded a large bursary. They had a bit of a wobble and it was made clear that it was their decision, but guided on making decisions for their education rather than friends who may come and go. Two years on, and they are loving it. So happy with their decision. They are now flying very high academically, and having lots of exposure to things they would never normally have access to. In orchestra, rock band, dance class, all at no cost extra £ to us. They have loads of friends, partly due to the access to so many like minded people, and also have had excellent pastoral support through a long illness. Being on a bursary does not hinder them; they have plenty of army kid friends who from similar backgrounds, and also some very wealthy friends. It’s a genuine non-issue.

Whilst eldest has been at said school, middle child has been very clear that they will join them. Gave reasons of, lot of work but the education is so much better. Has seen what the school has to offer and was very impressed at open days. Did private prep at home to prepare; was clearly up for going. Asked lots of questions over what would happen if he didn’t get a bursary (which were all pretty much avoided or answered with - cross that bridge type response). Sat the exam (and for only this school; he was clear he would not go to any other if he got in). Worried that he failed, but instead got in and offered 100% bursary, due to doing well in the exam. He immediately said, I might not go…

We initially entertained, hoping he’d come round. Dear reader, he has not. He is now adamant that he wants to go to the local school, but will give no reasons. He is not popular at school; he has two friends, one of which is going to a school out of area, and the other will go the same school, but a different year. He is a bright child who is engaged in everything, there are many clubs which will appeal to him. He would like to work in tech when he’s older. The private school has double IT lessons every week, plus further coding clubs. The state has a 6 week provision every year. Conversations about this go nowhere.

We are now at stalemate, and after telling him that he needed to go, this has become unpleasant. We have explained that he won’t get another chance as bursaries are only available at this entry point, we can discuss after a couple of years, this is the opportunity of a lifetime, and it’s like a lottery win. His viewpoint is, he wants to go to the local school and we said he could choose. (It was up to him if he sat the exam.) We have explained that we thought we would allow that, but now that he has, we realise that it’s the wrong decision in our eyes, and we are not ok with it. Explained that even adults make mistakes, and apologized for making this mistake, but were not about to let him make a bigger mistake.

He is closed to more discussion. We are concerned that if he goes to the local state, as an adult he will regret that we allowed an 11 y old to make such a huge decision. Or sooner; if he wanted to go in a year or two it would be impossible due to lack of bursary. We are also concerned however that if we force him to go to the indie, he will deliberately hate it (he is massively stubborn) and not engage, setting in bad habits which might be set even if he moved.

So. AIBU to force him to the private school? To be clear, if both children were at the local state, it wouldn’t be such an issue. I don’t discredit state schools; if my daughter hadn’t read so much Enid Blyton she would be at the local state now. We always knew he would get in as the bar is fairly low. I was very stressed about the bursary issue but prepared to sell the house in order to make sure both children were treated fairly.

Advice desperately needed!!!!!

OP - you could ask both schools for a copy of some of their coding lesson matieral. That might make a very big difference.

I would tell him he is going and that is it, no 11 year old has the life knowledge to understand the huge opportunity this is.

He is eleven you are the adults. Get and pair.

I personally hate private or independent schools, but I wouldn’t dream of telling someone whether to send their kid there. It’s all the more galling when people here say if you can afford to go private and don’t, you are somehow guilty of abuse.

The situation you have is going to have ‘consequences’ whatever decision is taken. What will happen if you insist on the private school - what would be the consequences for your relationship with your son? Would he make friends there?

If you relent and allow your son to attend the state school, how upset would you be? What would be the consequences of this on your relationship with your son? Only you know the answer.

I do get the impression you have come here for validation of your perspective rather than guidance, however.

Agree completely. You sought his input, quite reasonably, and as parents you are ultimately making the decision.

He'll thank you for this one day.

I personally hate private or independent schools

Have you been to one?

Tell him he's going for the 1st year and if she still feels strongly he can go to the state.

I've got a similar issue. Eldest is doing well at school and he had some tutoring for 11+. Tutor said he should pass if he carries on the way he is. He moaned all the time about homework and tutoring. We let him decide and he isn't doing the 11+. However this was based on whether he would put the work in which he wouldnt do and no about of forcing would make him. If for example he had passed the 11+ and told me he didn't want to go to the grammar school I'd have said tough, you're going for a year, see how you get on... your children are obviously bright enough to get in woth a bursary. I think you need to be the adult and say you're going...he'll moan and moan for a few months but he'll settle . What a great opportunity.

I’m anti private schools, but I don’t think that’s the issue here. Schooling decisions are big ones and IME children don’t have the knowledge or perspective to be allowed to overrule parents on this. Of course you take their views into account, listen to their reasons, but ultimately you make the decision that is best for your child.

Why do people say independent schools instead of private schools? Seems like a fig leaf to divert from all the negative associations of private schools - inequality, privilege, snobbery, entitlement, old boys networks. FWIW I think your son will do fine in the private school, but he would probably also do fine in the state school. He might also come out with some other less measurable but really important skills - like empathy and sensitivity to difference, and a much stronger sense of identity and where he’s from. I personally think this is much more formative than being in a wind band or having extra coding classes - who cares? It’s your personality that counts in the end. My experience of adults who went to private school is that they have a level of cluelessness that comes from being insulated - they have a sense of superiority and confidence but also fear of everyone else because they don’t ‘get’ them. I think some people can shake that off with a level of self-awareness but most don’t. I have friends who were privately educated but not really close friends, and I could never be married to someone like that, it goes deep.

She means independent, as in fee paying- not state.

They get some state funding if they take some children, hence the bursary, if the area does not have many high performing state school places, or possibly in deprived areas to give brighter children a boost

Our area has a number of independent schools, all with an intake that is mixed on fee payers and entrance exam passing.
Our local comps are not known for their main stream academic achievements, focussing on tech, sports, vocational, drama.
Thus we have competition for the bursary places.
While it is only anecdotal, children I know going to the church or independents schools are showing well ahead after just one year.

I was your son - older brother on bursary to private school, then got a bursary myself. But all my mates were going to local very average comp, and I didn't want to go to an all girls schools. My parents were devastated, they believed I had huge potential and had both had very limited education opportunities, left school at 16 etc. But ultimately they let me chose, and I had 7 fantastic years, and came out with 10 A* gcse and 4 A's at A level. But I was very self motivated and basically taught myself the curriculum.
You know for yourself if your son will thrive anywhere, or if needs the boost a private school may give him. My brother definitely needed it, I did not. My oldest will definitely need it - bright but quite lazy, my youngest I think won't.

Going against the grain here, but I think he should get to decide where he spends 5 days a week for the next 5 years.

I think it’s unfortunate that he’s got fixated on a school when he can’t possibly know enough to make an informed decision. I would over ride him.

I chose my daughter’s school at 11. She yelled actually but we didn’t waver because she was such a young child and didn’t know what was the better school. She wanted to go to the one with free biscuits on the open day!

Without knowing what either of them are actually like or understanding the difference in educational experience?

One of my siblings let one of her DC choose a school that we all thought was wrong for him. He was badly bullied, it affected his mental and physical health and he ended up leaving. Nothing was gained other than a general loathing of school.

He’s a child and you are the parent, send him to the school that’s best for him. He doesn’t get a choice here.

Same situation here. My brother went private and I should have gone but I was a little brat and screamed the place down till my folks let me go to regular school with my friends. I so, so wish I had gone with my brother. The opportunities he had access to was amazing. The places he visited we brilliant and the people he met have helped him network no end in his adult life. At the end of the day slam private school or slam local schools but the world is what it is and it’s our job to give our children every chance possible.

OVERRULE HIM

Biggest regret I have is not going to a posh boarding school when my parents offered it!

Someone asked earlier if I had been to a private school - as I said I hated them.

Yes, I did. Now this is interesting - if you say you have, you’re either bitter about the experience or pulling the ladder up after yourself. If you say you haven’t, you ‘don’t know what it’s like’

Presumably they’d look round the other school, and any others in the area, at open evenings etc and get a feel for it. The same as everyone else.
And the child already is familiar with the school he doesn’t want to go to, which makes the decision a more informed one already.

Also, your story, although sad, is irrelevant, as you can’t guarantee a child won’t get bullied at any school, whether chosen by the child or their parent.

Thanks all for the advice. For those querying, the decision was essentially made, I was asking if I am being unreasonable in enforcing this decision, and genuinely worried over negative ramifications. It’s not as straight forward as ‘adult-ing’ up; the private school is a lot more work and longer days so it is putting a lot on a child. If he’s dead set against it he is sufficiently stubborn to throw the opportunity away, and could disengage from education entirely (I have seen this happen). It was interesting to hear from those with life experience: seems a 50/50 divide on following the child’s preference or the parent. I am also very mindful that the bursary is to enable a bright child to have a transformative education. If said child doesn’t want it, it’s a waste and should go to someone else. The bursary pot at this school is small, and on their literature they state that only one or two children benefit a year. When my eldest applied, they were very clear that they don’t offer 100% bursaries, so this is a new change in their policy so we are really aware of how fortunate we are.

Update is that he finally gave a reason-he was concerned about the earlier start and being tired all day. He needs a lot of sleep (genuinely) and said that he often feels tired at school at the moment. I think there is a bit of imposter syndrome as well, as quite a few have suggested, even though I have explained that bursaries are awarded on merit.

Even better update is I had the perfect tool and I didn’t even know! I mentioned to my eldest that he didn’t want to go, and eldest was immediately full of bad things they had heard from friends at the local state. Eldest took it upon them to have a long heart2heart (they had only said the odd thing before) and my son has reluctantly agreed that the private school is the right school for him. He’s not exactly happy (and is still worried about how tired he’ll be) and keeps saying: well it’s your decision anyway, but we have been clear that whilst that is the case, we did want him to be on side with the decision.

Every situation is different, but I went to private school until I was 14. I then decided I wanted to leave private education and go to the local state school. My parents didn’t even question me and just changed schools - I wish they had made me stay in private education. I love my life now and have done well, but it’s been a hard slog and while I wouldn’t go back and change it, I absolutely think they should have made me stay there.

The bullying of a small, quiet, quirky, sensitive boy by alpha jocks at public school is pretty much a shoo in tbh. He needed to go to a completely different kind of school.

Great result OP. And best wishes to him in his new school.

I think that I would tell him them that you are open to listening to their arguments for and against the school. Tell them that if they are old enough to make this decision that could affect their entire future then they are old enough to give their reasons why. I would then compromise like others have said with saying he needs to try it for a year (or half a year) and if he does not like it then he can move

I see you've made a decision now anyway, but this seemed important to me - that if he was adamant about not going to the private school, he should have a rational reason/argument why he shouldn't and he hasn't really come up with that, apart from tiredness - but that could be the case with state school and extra curricular activities (which he may get to do within the private school day anyway).

Anyway, good luck to all of you - I hope it all works out well