Son offered 100% bursary, but suddenly wants to go to the local school - AIBU to overrule???

[Abettertime]

Nervous about posting this for fear of flaming from the indie school haters but need some help!

My eldest child dreamed of private school. The local state provision is fine, but no frills and at the open day, the teachers seemed disinterested. They begged to try for a bursary at the local indie. I thought it was a very long shot but didn’t want to not allow them the opportunity to try, so entered them. They sat the exams, and did well enough (and we are poor enough) to be awarded a large bursary. They had a bit of a wobble and it was made clear that it was their decision, but guided on making decisions for their education rather than friends who may come and go. Two years on, and they are loving it. So happy with their decision. They are now flying very high academically, and having lots of exposure to things they would never normally have access to. In orchestra, rock band, dance class, all at no cost extra £ to us. They have loads of friends, partly due to the access to so many like minded people, and also have had excellent pastoral support through a long illness. Being on a bursary does not hinder them; they have plenty of army kid friends who from similar backgrounds, and also some very wealthy friends. It’s a genuine non-issue.

Whilst eldest has been at said school, middle child has been very clear that they will join them. Gave reasons of, lot of work but the education is so much better. Has seen what the school has to offer and was very impressed at open days. Did private prep at home to prepare; was clearly up for going. Asked lots of questions over what would happen if he didn’t get a bursary (which were all pretty much avoided or answered with - cross that bridge type response). Sat the exam (and for only this school; he was clear he would not go to any other if he got in). Worried that he failed, but instead got in and offered 100% bursary, due to doing well in the exam. He immediately said, I might not go…

We initially entertained, hoping he’d come round. Dear reader, he has not. He is now adamant that he wants to go to the local school, but will give no reasons. He is not popular at school; he has two friends, one of which is going to a school out of area, and the other will go the same school, but a different year. He is a bright child who is engaged in everything, there are many clubs which will appeal to him. He would like to work in tech when he’s older. The private school has double IT lessons every week, plus further coding clubs. The state has a 6 week provision every year. Conversations about this go nowhere.

We are now at stalemate, and after telling him that he needed to go, this has become unpleasant. We have explained that he won’t get another chance as bursaries are only available at this entry point, we can discuss after a couple of years, this is the opportunity of a lifetime, and it’s like a lottery win. His viewpoint is, he wants to go to the local school and we said he could choose. (It was up to him if he sat the exam.) We have explained that we thought we would allow that, but now that he has, we realise that it’s the wrong decision in our eyes, and we are not ok with it. Explained that even adults make mistakes, and apologized for making this mistake, but were not about to let him make a bigger mistake.

He is closed to more discussion. We are concerned that if he goes to the local state, as an adult he will regret that we allowed an 11 y old to make such a huge decision. Or sooner; if he wanted to go in a year or two it would be impossible due to lack of bursary. We are also concerned however that if we force him to go to the indie, he will deliberately hate it (he is massively stubborn) and not engage, setting in bad habits which might be set even if he moved.

So. AIBU to force him to the private school? To be clear, if both children were at the local state, it wouldn’t be such an issue. I don’t discredit state schools; if my daughter hadn’t read so much Enid Blyton she would be at the local state now. We always knew he would get in as the bar is fairly low. I was very stressed about the bursary issue but prepared to sell the house in order to make sure both children were treated fairly.

Advice desperately needed!!!!!

I'd also add as you've said he's the middle child, for the next one, perhaps the rule should be 'it's up to you whether you sit the exam' not it's up to you if you go?

I went to an independent school on a full scholarship for sixth form, entirely my decision to sit the scholarship exams, do the interview and ultimately take up the place, and I was 16, so my parents genuinely left it up to me, and if I'd not wanted to do I wouldn't have been forced. I also had a very little wobble right before the year started and said to my parents, half joking "well if I don't like it, my registration for local sixth form college isn't until Friday, so I can still just go there if I really hate it." My mum just went "I suppose you could, I bet you'll actually like it though" and I did thoroughly enjoy it!

You say he's the middle child, what about if the youngest doesn't get in/ doesn't want to go? It sounds like you have their future mapped out whether they like it or not. If that's the case, I wouldn't have given the option.

Same

It sounds like you have really good child specific reasons for wanting him to go there.
Your post doesn’t really say anything about why he doesn’t want to go - do you have any understanding of this?
If he’s stubborn I think it’s really important to help him to figure out why he feels that it would be best to reject this opportunity.

I take the view that parenting is most often a collaborative teaching and coaching experience, but sometimes it's a dictatorship. Stopping your 11 year-old from making a poor decision that will affect the rest of the life falls into the "dictatorship" bucket IMO.

I think that you are treating your children unfairly. You let your eldest go to her school of choice, but are overruling your younger child after saying he could also choose. You’ve said the state school isn’t bad, so the he has chosen poorly and will ruin his life is a bit of a irrational phobia imho.

Apologising while still being unfair is a bit of a sorry, but not sorry response.

An 11yo will make decisions based on 11 year old perspective eg familiar faces, perceived less pressure. A parent makes decisions on what will benefit them beyond 11 eg skills, opportunities, higher expectations.

Tell him he's proven he is a better fit for the private school, that you can see him thriving there and that it doesn't have to be forever if he tries it and finds out its not for him.

You really can't turn down such a great opportunity.

Have you ruled out your eldest telling your son the ‘new guy horror stories”? Or any of the kids doing the same from his current school?

Hes not old enough to have the knowledge to make that decision.
Sometimes being a parent is making decisions that children dislike.
If he is genuinely unhappy in a year you could think about moving him.
Don't tell him that though. It won't help him to settle in.

Absolutely.

Whilst academically my sister and I took very different routes (she private secondary and 6th form, followed by masters degree and me local state and then a college, which didn't get it's university accreditation until later on) we have pretty much ended up in the same place career wise.

If the elder one is allowed to choose (well they sound a bit like my sister in demanding ) where they want to go, then the same has to be extended to the others.

If it was the choice between a dreadful state and the independent then it would have to be a different conversation, but it doesn't sound like it is.

Mine, as per username, is ND so I wouldn't really trust her to make any decision yet and that may colour my views. But I think 11 is way too young to make a life-changing decision like that. And I'm not saying anything silly like 'private is always better than state', because it isn't + horses for courses, but he wanted to go and the fact that he's changed his mind now, when he's in, suggests that there's something he's scared of, rather than that he genuinely doesn't want to go.
You probably need to get to the bottom of what that scary thing is, but if it's the right school for him(& I think schools can tell actually more than parents - they see loads of kids and they've offered a massive bursary so they obviously think he's a good fit) he should go irrespective of how scary it is in the moment.

Is your youngest less academic? Is he worried about the younger DC not being able to go and feeling rubbish?

You already have a relationship with the school, so speak to the admissions team. Obviously don’t tell them he is so anti - but you could say he is coming but you’re worried he is afraid to attend. You can’t quite get to the bottom of why, but you’d like to find a way to reassure him. Could he be given a tour 1 to 1, or as PP said a taster session? Could he sit in a year 7 computer lesson or go to one of the after school clubs as a one off? See what support they will offer and what their usual transition process is - some schools they will meet their cohort and teachers etc prior to starting year 7.

(And of course, you send him regardless of he current feelings. But be curious about the change of heart and offer to support. Sounds like some fear in combination with the deluded notion that if he is good enough to get in on full bursary he will be some kind of rock star at the state school… when in fact it doesn’t really matter how great he is - the facilities and opportunities just won’t come anywhere near the independent. It shouldn’t be this way, but it is).

It's a pain in the bum having one kid in state and one in private, not least because of the holidays. DS2 is going to see his brother breaking up before him and going back after him, possibly having two weeks at half-term while he only gets one, etc. I bet THAT gets old quickly, and will be the source of many rows in your house.

I don't think children need so much autonomy in this sort of thing. Tell him he is going to the private school for Y7, if he really hates it he can go back to state in Y8.

Agree with the comparison thing.

My youngest pushed hard against going to the same school as their sibling as their sibling is a high performer there. They were hugely anxious about comparisons from the teachers.

initially they wanted to go to a different school, even though it was two bus rides away and none of their friends were going whereas the other excellent school was very local.

We talked this through a lot and explained that in a very large school many of the teachers probably wouldn’t even know their sibling let alone make the sibling connection. We also said they had a guaranteed place at the nearer school but not the further away choice. However we said that if they were really unhappy after Easter we would look to move them if there were places at the other school.

They were so much happier with the option of a get out and we were right about v few teachers knowing them both. We also warned eldest not to make too much of sibling coming to school (they’re v close) as youngest wanted space to carve their own niche. They’re both really happy now.

When applying for secondary schools with the local council, the kids don't get to chose where they go, the parents can list choices and preferences, but nobody gets the final choice apart from the council. Who's to say your son would get in to the local school? I'd tell him you aren't prepared to ferry kids to two schools, he goes to the posh one that's that. It's an amazing chance for him. But as others have said, I'd be happy to transfer him if he was struggling after a year.

It's a pain in the bum having one kid in state and one in private, not least because of the holidays. DS2 is going to see his brother breaking up before him and going back after him, possibly having two weeks at half-term while he only gets one, etc. I bet THAT gets old quickly, and will be the source of many rows in your house.

It was annoying, but wasn't a major issue and didn't cause many rows. She was a pain in the bum at times and we were a bit mean to her, but she was equally mean to me.

Thanks for all the responses. Really helpful reading different viewpoints. To answer a few general points:

• Posted in AIBU for traffic and a more general viewpoint; it is not a straight private/state debate
• The school specifically meets my sons needs, much more so than the state
• I have no idea why he suddenly doesn’t want to go - he isn’t sharing reasons
• older sibling thinks the middle should go. Has only been positive; I have overheard at least two convos to that effect.
• Son has been for taster days and loved it. Open days at both.
• son is the only child from his (small) school who will go.

Fairness to siblings. Yes this is an issue. In truth, if the eldest decided against it, this would have been an easy option. Their bursary is large, but has still meant sacrifices for the family budget, especially when COL really hit. I have also been incredibly worried about subsequent siblings not getting bursaries; a verbal provisional promise was made during the eldest bursary interview, on the rough proviso that their siblings did well in a similar fashion. Now we have one in, and the next one was completely up for it and suddenly not, it is a different ball game. This unfairness definitely grates with me.

Those who asked about the youngest. They are off the scale bright, and also very talented. Taught themself to read age 3, that sort of thing, consistently confirmed by school that they are top end of greater depth. I have therefore never been worried about them having an equal opportunity. The drip feed [and reason I didn’t mention them; didn’t realise I’d given the game away!] is that the youngest has always been clear they will go to the local state. They have a best friend, friends since they were 3, they want to walk to school together. Other than their instruments, they are not interested in anything extra curricular; likes to read at home. The school would therefore not offer the same opportunity so I was fine with this. Hoped they’d change their mind, but not the end of the world as they will fly high wherever they go. This child would also probably qualify for full scholarship at the local public school which starts a few years later. This school is an academic hot house and not suitable for my first two children who are very conscientious, even if they were offered enough of a fee reduction. (We know a lot of the staff there and I used to work there so I have a very good idea). The youngest doesn’t give a about anything so would be fine there. So yes, this debate is colouring that aspect also.

The poster who mentioned imposter syndrome is a good idea. Hadn’t considered that. He is a deep and reflective thinker so that makes a bit of sense.

And to those who said it’s time to be an adult. Well yes, that is what we will have to do. I do worry that he is so stubborn he will deliberately hate it however. It’s also a long day so he has to buy into it imo. We have said that if he hates it after two years we can have a discussion. My older one found Year 7 to be a massive adjustment year for change of pace etc so he would need to give it longer to have a go imo.

And finally to the one who mentioned the Sixth form opportunity. Good point, but you were so much older? Still interesting to hear your view tho.

OP there seems to be some underlying reason why he's suddenly turned off. That's not entirely rational, so he doesn't want to open up.
Is he worried about competing with his sibling? Have his current friends/adults talked badly about private school? May not be relevant but every private school related thread on here, even if just asking for advice gets derailed by people fiercely claiming that they should be banned, perpetuate inequality etc.

I think you need to ask him what he feels - and why.

Look at it this way,

You cannot force a kid to prepare for exams etc so that had to be his own decision. But, now that he's gotten it, why the change of heart? What's he afraid of? Or worried about?

He is ambitious and wants to work in tech. Is he really happy with giving up all the opportunity?

How on earth did my parents ever cope with these different holidays and us all being at 3 different education establishments for many years? They didn't even drive.

These, quite frankly, are ridiculous reasons for making him go to the same school. I will echo what I said earlier - find out his reasons and go from there, but don't look for ridiculous reasons for and against either school.

YANBU - you need to be the adult and tell him he IS going to the private school, like it or not; that you and DH have decided that it is best for him if he goes and so that's what he's doing. Be very firm and tell him it's not a negotiation.

I did a similar thing with Oxford - got a place and then said, actually, I don't think I'll take it (I wanted to go somewhere else, where a friend was going). Family was very firm that I should go to Oxford and I did, and thank goodness because it really opened a lot of doors for me. I look back at 17 year old me and wonder what I was thinking, considering turning down such a good opportunity.

This. You are the parent! He doesn't really have a choice in this, but make it clear that if he hates it then of course you will review. It sounds like an excellent opportunity.

This.

Is there any chance he cheated on the entrance exam?

He did much better than you expected and then he suddenly did a u-turn about wanting to go.

Id be looking for the reasons behind the change of heart first and foremost…..

I'd tell him he goes to independent school with a bursary and samples all the extras on offer for 2 years. He must give his full effort. If after year 9 he isn't happy he can move to the local comp. Explain he has to do it this way round as Year 7 is their only entry point. Explain you want both DS's to have equal opportunities in life. Promise him he can keep in touch with his friend from primary school and have him for sleepovers etc. Could he be worried about his friend being on his own at the comp?