How to word to my 11 year old nicely why I don't want her having fake nails/eyelashes.

[NoNailsPls]

Just that really.

My 11yo is at school in an area with a lot of very dark fake tan, BIG eyelashes/nails, lip filler mums.

The girls now are therefore getting into the idea of all of this as fashion.

For adults I'm very an each to their own and have friends and colleagues who love all their treatments etc. If she wants to do that with her body when older then that's her decision to make.

However, I really dislike seeing young girls dress like that and don't want my daughter to be trying to achieve that look at this age. (Once she's older her body, her choice, I say this to her.)

But she currently cannot understand why I tell her 'no you can't have acrylic nails at Easter' 'no you can't wear glue on eyelashes outside of the house'

As what I want to say: "I don't want you to look like jail bait' isn't acceptable and I can't think of a diplomatic way to explain to her when half her class see it all as the height of top class fashion.

AIBU for not letting her follow this trend at this age?

If I'm not how do I explain to her without sounding like I'm insulting other parents' choices?

I know we're in for years of this sort of thing so I'm keen to learn some of these tactics in readiness!

Even my old comp going back many many years had games/PE 4 times a week. Do some schools really only have it twice a week!

But also outside of school, aren’t kids doing sports clubs now? Netball, hockey, athletics, swimming etc? Are kids just not into those hobbies now?

If I had a daughter this age I think I’d allow her to try certain bits of it out under my supervision but go for the pricier ones so at least she looks good.

Clothes eg, give into a certain style but not all.

I was given quite strict guidelines on what I was allowed to wear and makeup so I never went wild as DM controlled the purse strings unless I had pocket money. Once I earned my own at 17 out came mini skirts etc.

I think it's fine to say no and when asked why, just tell her the truth that as her Mum & Dad, you don't want her to look older than she is. If she comes back with 'other Mums let their daughters' then you can say that those Mums obviously don't mind if their daughters look older and that's fine because we're not all the same.

Stick to your guns - it also gives her a 'get out clause' whereby she can blame her parents for not being allowed to do what some of her friends are doing.

Use the same response you would if she was asking for a weekly bottle of vodka.
No. Absolutely not. Your 11. When you are an adult earning your own money you can do what you like

Sorry, I went off on a tangent a little but I think getting involved in sports means things like fake nails are a hindrance and so kids don’t bother with them.

Where they are asking for them, I’d have to say that it comes down to what’s age appropriate. Also, with a mind to finance. These things should be treated as a luxury rather than a necessity. Also, it does no harm teaching kids not to follow what they see on social media…

Well then they are weirdos. Eyelashes and acrylic nails worn properly are barely noticeable.

Jailbait is a fucking horrible expression to use in this context.
11yo with fake nails and eyelashes are not inviting rape.

Regarding your question - just tell her you don't think these things are suitable for her age. Though I struggle to see the big deal about nails as a one off.

I just think 'no, because you're a child, I'm in charge and I said so' and stick to it works!

If that’s the fashion shes going to keep on at you and lots of hard nos will just make her want to rebel.
Can you meet her in the middle - no acrylics, but press ons are fine? No fake lashes but a good mascara and eyelash curler? (Too faced better than sex waterproof looks like a lash lift if used after an eyelash curler!) I desperately, desperately wanted to dye my hair black as a teenager, my mum compromised with a semi perm brown we left on ages, so I felt I was getting somewhere, keeping up with the trends etc.
How you handle the conversation depends on the other conversations you have with her and your relationship in general. But kids are always going to do things that look dreadful to their parents.

I’ve always been direct ‘no, you’re not old enough’ and ‘I don’t care what other girls/parents do, I’m saying no!’

while false eyelashes etc can communicate a certain look, I don't think it ages children to the point they have been mistaken as adults

No they look like grossly inappropriately dressed children who probably don’t have engaged parents taking proper care of them, and are therefore at risk from predatory men.

I don’t think there is any form of words you can use where your teenager is going to say well mum, you’re quite right and I no longer want what my friends have, so you’ll just have to stick with ‘it’s not age appropriate, I know you’re upset but the answer is still no’

Maybe give some leeway on some things that aren’t as extreme like press on nails or eyebrow shaping so she feels she got something?

At that age my mum completely refused to let me shave my legs, and looking back she was being so ridiculous because what harm would it have done, it only made me resent her, but acrylics and false eyelashes are a step too far I think.

As someone who’s been through this it can be a hard battle and I found the best way through it is to capitulate within reason.

No to acrylics and eyelash extensions but yes to press ons and strip eyelashes. The rule in my house is nothing you can’t scrub or ping off at the end of the day. DD gave up in the end as nails snagged and annoyed her and eyelashes made her all blinky. When you let them within reason try things for themselves that usually satiates the need and they come to the conclusion by themselves that they can’t be arsed.

If you just say not a chance in hell then they’ll be like a dog with a bone. The teenage years are akin to a hostage negotiation and you have to let go of a lot in order to concentrate on the stuff that really matters like drinking, sex etc etc.

I couldn’t live somewhere where this was the norm.

https://www.bbc.com/news/health-45129280.amp

You can develop an allergic reaction to the glue uses to stick on the acrylic nails. You can also Google gruesome pictures of skin reactions if that might help?

I agree. It doesn't really make them look older, it makes them look like a child with rather ridiculous lashes and nails.

Its a good job I dont have a daughter as I’d just tell her no, women who look like that look horrible, fake and ridiculous 🤷🏻‍♀️

I did that too 😂

2 x PE a week is pretty common in state schools I think but club sports are pretty popular round here. My dd is 11 and she and her friends are sport mad - DD plays rugby, hockey and netball out of school and a lot of her friends are county or national squads for various things. They slope around in trackie b's, hoodies and nike dunks. Long may it last, although DD is desperate for second/third piercings and blue tips which I have said ok at end of year 7 (blue tips for holidays only).

DD had to wear fake tan and lashes for a dance show. She wasn't bothered before, but now has a real taste for both 😅

Totally agree with many of the comments here.

Upsetting, however, to read people suggesting pre-teen girls confuse men and make themselves look sexually attractive. Predators will go after girls whether they have fake eyelashes on or not. If you teach your girls this, the next time they get unwanted attention, they'll believe they deserved it for looking too "grown-up". Doesn't matter if you tell them they didn't. Once you've planted the seed that it is their actions that attract predators, they will never forget it. Speaking from experience, here.

It isn’t illegal.

Oh clothes absolutely I'm happy for her to shop in fashionable shops. She does have some crop tops (she dances a lot and so has dance clothes)

Stuff from H&M/New Look etc but thankfully she currently loves cargo pants and wide leg jeans so a bit of belly showing I don't think is inappropriate with full trousers.

I let her wear a bit of eyeshadow/lip gloss. Wash in hair colour etc. I'm sure for most MN I do too much.

It's just the nails/eyelashes that are my real sticking point (thankfully tan/eyebrows haven't been mentioned yet) as they cross over into "dressing up" territory in my head for young girls.

I've tried to think of ways to phrase that politely. There's a line for me between subtle and obviously fake that I think this thread has made me see is really my comfort zone with it all.

I've been through similar with dd1 also 11 who wants £20 a time cosmetics. I put my foot down and said £10 on a single item is the absolute limit you are not a well paid adult! We had tears and a meltdown in boots and that's mostly been the end of it.

Dd2 can have stick on nails from primark to play with in the holidays and that's it.

She can have make up but I would be saying a flat no to eyelashes too and I'm pretty chilled about this stuff.

I agree it's grim.

I agree. I also think looking older does encourage MORE pervy bastards to join in. Ones who might sexually harass a 13 yo but not an 11 year old. They started at 11 for me and I was tall, had boobs early and was blonde. It was like a dinner bell for wankers.

My mums message was, "your body belongs to you and it's their problem the dirty bastards" and my dad's was to teach me how to land a solid knee in the bollocks. Both of those messages helped at different times.

We hold men to no account whatsoever. If you're perving over a teenage girl, just fucking stop. Whether you think she's 13 or 16, just don't. Check ID if you're that big an idiot. I manage to avoid ogling 16 yo boys in the street. Just the thought