How to word to my 11 year old nicely why I don't want her having fake nails/eyelashes.

[NoNailsPls]

Just that really.

My 11yo is at school in an area with a lot of very dark fake tan, BIG eyelashes/nails, lip filler mums.

The girls now are therefore getting into the idea of all of this as fashion.

For adults I'm very an each to their own and have friends and colleagues who love all their treatments etc. If she wants to do that with her body when older then that's her decision to make.

However, I really dislike seeing young girls dress like that and don't want my daughter to be trying to achieve that look at this age. (Once she's older her body, her choice, I say this to her.)

But she currently cannot understand why I tell her 'no you can't have acrylic nails at Easter' 'no you can't wear glue on eyelashes outside of the house'

As what I want to say: "I don't want you to look like jail bait' isn't acceptable and I can't think of a diplomatic way to explain to her when half her class see it all as the height of top class fashion.

AIBU for not letting her follow this trend at this age?

If I'm not how do I explain to her without sounding like I'm insulting other parents' choices?

I know we're in for years of this sort of thing so I'm keen to learn some of these tactics in readiness!

I'm currently going with the "It's not appropriate for someone your age" on loop. Also gel / acrylic nails will destroy your nails underneath and it will be the same colour/design for the entire hols?

My husband has been more direct. "Because if you look older, older men will make inappropriate comments to you. When you are old enough to handle these comments, and be aware of your surroundings and conscious of not putting yourself at risk we can discuss again. Yes it's not fair but I'm sorry."
He also refers to anyone with lip fillers and fixations on selfies as the "duck people"

Watching with interest.

I'd rely heavily on the phrases 'age appropriate' and 'I'm not so and so's mum I'm only responsible for you'. Be clear on what is OK eg nail polish but not false nails, natural highlights for hair in the summer but not fake tan, make up on non school days from age ... but no fake eyelashes. I'm never going to agree to filler you'll have to wait until you're an adult. Discuss how some of these are harmful, could make her look older and subject to unwelcome attention, look at more natural looks and adult fashion in actresses, singers etc outside of your local area/ UK trends. Can you get her into a sport such as horse riding or football etc where she might make some friends who aren't as in to the fake look? It might help her be comfortable to not follow all the trends she sees at school.

Jail bait? Judgey much!

Thanks for replying.

Sounds like we're on the same page.

DH sounds similar too! I have to tell my husband to be very careful what he says as I never want DD to offend the kids in her class or be seen as insulting their parents/sisters etc.

I've tried to come from the angle that in my opinion you look more grown up if you don't try and make yourself look like a grown up.

She's sort of taken that on board and has some older girls in some of her extra curricular clubs that she really looks up to who are a bit more subtle fashion wise.

Personally I would go with the “not appropriate for your age” line but mine aren’t this old yet so I don’t have any direct experience.

A friend of mine allowed her 11 year old to get acrylics and then arranged loads of activities where they got in the way or annoyed her so she came to the conclusion by herself that she didn’t really want them!

Judgy, maybe. Still jailbait though.

Exactly why I'm posting g this question and not saying that!

11 year olds in padded bras, tube tops, miniskirts and huge fake eyelashes.

To me that's not appropriate and I'm therefore asking for explanations that won't get the exact reaction you just gave me!

I think for semi-permanent things like lash extensions, acrylics etc you can stick with “it’s not age appropriate”, but in general are there not alternatives?

For example my mum wouldn’t let us get acrylics nails at that age but she’d let us wear the stick ons from asda/superdrug. I think it’s really normal for kids (especially girls) to want to look like the people they see on tv, social media, in school etc, I’m now mid 20’s and it was definitely the case when I was in school (lots of girls dying their hair red when it was me🤣). I think have a proper chat with her but maybe find ways that you can both win, acrylics no, stick on nails yes? Lash extensions no, mascara yes ?

Having this conversation with my 9yo recently because several of her friends aged 9 and 10 have started getting eyebrows tinted, lashes and nails.

I'm sticking to "every parent makes decisions based on what they think is appropriate, healthy and sensible, my decision is that you aren't old enough."

From your DH that's quite the messaging. And if something happened, that's a lot of responsibility on her to 'handle' it. Adult men sexually harassed me from 11 wearing jeans and a t-shirt, no makeup.

My 13 yo has heard about why we spend money and time on appearance, feminism and women and girls' socialisation since she was a kid (poor thing!). We allow all sorts of clothes and makeup as long as she's doing it for her, not male gaze or peer pressure.

Also glue on nails and hair are crap for your existing lashes so maybe talk to her about that.

I wouldn't react to a child in fake eyelashes and acrylic nails as jailbait in the slightest, because why would I look at an 11 year old and think of them in ANY kind of sexual way?

Can't you say it's against the school rules and shift the blame onto them 😛

@Oohhyeah
Lots af people would.

No. You're not old enough.

Nothing else is needed surely

BTW I hope you are in charge of media in your house. Parents watch Love Island and the Kardashians with their girls then wonder...

Ohhh clever parenting!!!

Neither do I.

But I do look at them and worry that people who aren't like me are looking at them in inappropriate ways.

Hence why I don't want my daughter to aspire to it.

We’re having this debate over hair dye at the moment, I’m sticking with it not being good for young hair, though I may have completely made that one up…

I'm trying to give on some stuff so it feels easier to say no to others. So no fake eye lashes or fake nails, but yes to buying make up with her own money and trying it at weekends, though with lots of tutorials and help so it looks natural. I let her get some proper grown up concealer and mascara that suits her and said that was my concession.

Well then they are weirdos. Eyelashes and acrylic nails worn properly are barely noticeable. Only a weirdo would look at this as "jailbait"

Absolutely.

I get told daily how xyz watch love island, TOWIE, etc etc.

Very much "good for them"

Saddens me what these kids are exposed to this early.

Judgement is essential. Also, you sound about 12.

@Oohhyeah I don't think you're thinking of the 'look' I'm talking about if you think the eyelashes and nails are "barely noticeable".

They are almost comically over the top.

Trust me, they are noticed. Why do them if not?

I use the phrase “I don’t think you’re old enough” rather than “you’re not old enough”. Subtle difference but I learned the hard way with one of my older ones how easy it is to offend other parents (DD2 announced at a school disco “my mummy says we’re far too young for high heels and it damages your feet and looks silly”). The different in phrasing seems to have saved any offence since.

I also make serious effort at remembering things mine are allowed to do that others aren’t to point out the differences aren’t always not in their favour.

My DD is a few years older, we had a discussion of not all adults are safe adults, and if we allow her to do things that are more grown up than her years, we are potentially drawing more attention to her from those not so safe adults than is necessary.
It was put to her that as she grew older, and it was more appropriate, and she was better able to manage that safely, that she would be able to wear x/y/z.
From about 11 we already struggled with realising dirty old men looking at her in ways that were uncomfortable, and I didn't want to make that a big deal to her any earlier than it needed to be.