How to word to my 11 year old nicely why I don't want her having fake nails/eyelashes.

[NoNailsPls]

Just that really.

My 11yo is at school in an area with a lot of very dark fake tan, BIG eyelashes/nails, lip filler mums.

The girls now are therefore getting into the idea of all of this as fashion.

For adults I'm very an each to their own and have friends and colleagues who love all their treatments etc. If she wants to do that with her body when older then that's her decision to make.

However, I really dislike seeing young girls dress like that and don't want my daughter to be trying to achieve that look at this age. (Once she's older her body, her choice, I say this to her.)

But she currently cannot understand why I tell her 'no you can't have acrylic nails at Easter' 'no you can't wear glue on eyelashes outside of the house'

As what I want to say: "I don't want you to look like jail bait' isn't acceptable and I can't think of a diplomatic way to explain to her when half her class see it all as the height of top class fashion.

AIBU for not letting her follow this trend at this age?

If I'm not how do I explain to her without sounding like I'm insulting other parents' choices?

I know we're in for years of this sort of thing so I'm keen to learn some of these tactics in readiness!

@NoNailsPls the only word is no, that’s not what we do here. You are too young - you have your whole life ahead of you to do xyz at a more appropriate age.

If she repeats it and it offends someone, tough luck. You cant be expected to pussyfoot around it because other parents are allowing foolishness.

Ultimately, an 11 year old cannot afford treatments, so there isn’t much conversation required beyond- now is not the time 🤷🏽‍♀️.

'Different families have different rules' was our go-to from a very young age.

'I think at your age this is OK - can you convince me otherwise?' My friend's husband did this to great effect when their young teenage dc wanted to get their nose pierced. He listened to the arguments, asked questions about safety etc, then agreed... with the words: 'OK you've convinced me. When shall WE gt it done?'. dc was horrified, but no dad had been so convinced by her arguments that he said they would go together to get it done. Guess the outcome...

@NoNailsPls 'judgey'? yes, of course, but that's an unkind populist abbreviation rooted in judgement which comes of wisdom and experience. At 11, your dc cannot make all their own judgements safely, it is your role to help them with that, and to do it well. I think that is what you are doing.

Is it. Every day is a school day. That will come in handy ! Thank you !

I saw a video of Nicole Kidman on Graham Norton saying that she had ruined her hair with straighteners and hair dye and would now never get her curls back.
A picture of me with a perm aged 16 was enough to deter DD - she's got some sort of weird tube thing you wear overnight for curls which we gently take the piss out of but she is quietly determined to have curls in her otherwise poker straight hair even if they only last an hour. I am supportive though if she can be bothered with the faff - it won't destroy her hair. So I think that sometimes finding things you can make a concession on, special occasions, holiday nail varnish, goes a long way to mollifying the desire to be part of it all.

I just say no you're too young.

"I don't think it's appropriate at your age" and "different families have different rules."

I did used to let the dc play around with make up at home if they wanted to.

Why didn't I think of that!

I'm sure that will totally stop her asking why other 11 year olds parents allow it!

Thanks.

Yep, her best friend turned 10 in November and was all over Facebook a couple of weeks ago with pics of her mum tinting her eyebrows for her and putting on her acrylics.

I wasn't being snarky. I just genuinely don't think it needs to be a deep and meaningful conversation. Other parents allow different things 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well say it and mean it op!

Nails, I’d say I don’t want her disabling herself. It seems awful to make yourself less able to do things. At 11 there’s a chance she rips one off too. Maybe? I don’t really know.

“No, it looks chavvy as hell at your age. If you want to do that when you are 16 though then crack on.”

Then off to a Benefit counter on similar and humour her with a few products that are as natural as possible, just a bit of a glow or something.

Maybe add “In my opinion, but other parents make their own choices and that’s okay!” 😬

We seem to have lost any sense that some things are for mid teens and upwards. I understand there is peer pressure to "look the same" but it's OK to say no to a child and a 9/10/11 year old is a child, no grey areas, they are.

Why ?

My now adult dd complained in a similar was about those and plenty of other things and I nearly always held the line. Now she says that I was actually quite lenient, more than she would have been, and she's still only in her mid 20s. Just follow your own instincts.

I don’t understand how school allows it, and how they manage to play sport with fake nails? Do schools or clubs not do the nail check before matches/training now?

Trouble is they're not careful enough with removing and cleaning eyes properly. Then they're faced with eye infections, styles, lost natural lashes. Ditto with cleaning nails and washing hands. I've seen a fungal infection on nails it's awful and can destroy the nail bed permanently.

My whine as a child

"But mum everyone's got them"

Mums response always

"You don't want to be like everyone else "

My 12 year old can’t afford them, so that’s that. We talk a lot about beauty standards, false nails, eye lashes, fake tan etc when watching tv so setting a boundary is an extension of that conversation.

I’ll let her have gel polish on her own nails (which encourages her to not bite them) and a bit of make up (mascara/lip gloss) but that’s it. I think giving a bit helps when other things are a blanket “no”. So no you can’t dye your hair but you can have it cut as you choose etc. I also remember at that age sitting in my registration class putting on a full face of make up and rolling my skirt up so a blanket “no” from my mum wasn’t that effective.

I also have the “I’m not their mum, I’m your mum” conversation for everything from screen time, to tv programmes to make up etc. They know different parents have different rules and sometimes things go in their favour, sometimes not.

I would just say “absolutely not, when you are a woman you can do whatever you like”

Whinging at me doesn’t make my credit card work so I’d be fine with leaving it at that.

I can’t believe people are letting their 9yr olds do that stuff. They should be rolling around in the dirt or something and just being children.

I think maybe your kids' school is different to ours.

There aren't many matches and no 'training' to talk of. Not that these kids are in anyway.

PE lessons twice a week.

The girls who get the actual acrylics do so over holidays and obviously the lashes are for parties/weekends.

I don’t quite understand this. Dyeing eyelashes and waxing eyebrows are high maintenance, surely.

It's ok to be judgmental when a scenario warrants it.
It's how humans have survived and evolved.

Guessing you're not a pedo then