How to word to my 11 year old nicely why I don't want her having fake nails/eyelashes.

[NoNailsPls]

Just that really.

My 11yo is at school in an area with a lot of very dark fake tan, BIG eyelashes/nails, lip filler mums.

The girls now are therefore getting into the idea of all of this as fashion.

For adults I'm very an each to their own and have friends and colleagues who love all their treatments etc. If she wants to do that with her body when older then that's her decision to make.

However, I really dislike seeing young girls dress like that and don't want my daughter to be trying to achieve that look at this age. (Once she's older her body, her choice, I say this to her.)

But she currently cannot understand why I tell her 'no you can't have acrylic nails at Easter' 'no you can't wear glue on eyelashes outside of the house'

As what I want to say: "I don't want you to look like jail bait' isn't acceptable and I can't think of a diplomatic way to explain to her when half her class see it all as the height of top class fashion.

AIBU for not letting her follow this trend at this age?

If I'm not how do I explain to her without sounding like I'm insulting other parents' choices?

I know we're in for years of this sort of thing so I'm keen to learn some of these tactics in readiness!

Guessing you're female and straight. That answers you.

@FlabMonsterIsDietingAgain Seriously, 9 year olds that is so sad.

My 21 year old DD has only started dying her eyelashes and waxing her eye brows as 'she doesn't want to be high maintenance'. I'm all for girls experimenting with makeup and hair dye but not until mid teens.

My line on many topics is "my job is to parent you in the way I feel is in your best interests and that's in line with our family values".
DC understand that different families have different values and family cultures so their parents make different decisions. It doesn't avoid the "but it's not fair... So and so's allowed to.... So and so has..." but it does make it easier.

Eg. So and so is allowed to do X. / Ok, that's something their family value for their children. We don't and that's also ok.

Good luck finding the words, often repeating the same line over and over is the way to go and there is some good suggestions here, but I don't think 'jail bait' is the way to go. To me that suggests some level of responsibility on the child when they have been abused and while false eyelashes etc can communicate a certain look, I don't think it ages children to the point they have been mistaken as adults.

Oh no 100% would never say the word. Not sure I have ever aloud at all in fact. Never would to DD.

I was being dramatic for the sake of MN.

The 11 year olds don't look like older teens but certainly some of their 13/14yo sisters do and it's worrying to me.

But that's their parents' decisions.

I think maybe I do need to be a bit more open about 'unsafe' people.

I have let her dye her hair in holidays etc (wash out) and have stuck on nails - although I just hate the nails in any form. They always look so fake and OTT. Very happy for her to paint them.

Urgh, feel you pain! The previous poster had good suggestions, especially about unwanted attention.
I sadly was less tactful and said it looked naff, the nails were unhygienic (WTAF is living under them??)
Also highlighted that everyone looked the EXACT same, with gloopily glossed duck lips, untrimmed fan lashes, sharpie eyebrows, talon nails, spray tan, straightened centre parted hair and worst of all the Kardashian-style beige leggings (barf).
Wondered aloud what would happen if they were all lined up and vigorously power washed - would anyone be identifiable?
The mocking put my daughter off, but I was careful to make my comments about media figures and the general trend instead of real people we knew.

Fair point. It was a summary of the discussion though. In the context of our conversation "handle it" was very much along the lines of not being upset by other people's stupid comments. We tried not to take it to the next level. She's only 11 and still currently looks it thankfully. A friends 13 yro looks 17/18 in jeans and a t-shirt and has had to learn to handle a lot of unwelcome attention which is very sh*t.

Of course it is inappropriate for her age and my opinion is that it very sadly does sexualise very young girls in the eyes of many men.

I would use a bit of tough love and say "maybe they do this, but for x x x reason, in this family we don't". Without insulting her peers you could say you like them very much as a person but you think what they are wearing isn't appropriate. Your DD is 11, hopefully she knows better not to repeat.

I might set it up in terms of not creating a rod for her own back and also potentially creating a situation that could harm her self-esteem.

If you start with that kind if thing so young, when there really is no reason for it other than to try to look more grown up (which is rather childish in itself) it becomes the bare minimum to go out in public and you're more likely to end up thinking you look 'ugly' and 'gross' without it and then you are sucked into spending way too much time every time you need to leave the house worrying about looking perfect and pretty and 'not ugly'.

Make up and fashion should be something that is fun and enjoyable, something that makes you look and feel better maybe for a special occasion, not a chore or an obligation that you need to do or else you feel you will look ugly and worthless.

Personally I worry less about the 'jail bait' thing when it comes to young girls and makeup and more than it makes them focus so much on looks and hotness and feeling that they look shit unless they are wearing makeup.

I did resort to an online search for pictures of bunions when hassled about heels and that's why I limit how much I wear them. Which has the benefit of being true. My aunts very painful looking feet were a lesson when I was a child.

Christ on a bike @TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams your husband would blame an assault on the child?! The only people to blame are the offenders, and your complicity with whatever dress code won't deter them.

I remember saying to a 10 year old who wanted to hit the bleach and justified it with the words "But you dye your hair" with "That's because I'm 39 darling, one day you will be 39 and can colour your hair in every shade of the rainbow if you want. You don't have to wait that long even, but Not. Happening. Now". She survived.

The word "No" is also effective. C'mon, this isn't a 15 year old where you end up bandying words, she's 11. Totally inappropriate.

Why? Because I felt the OP was being very judgemental towards actual 12 year olds? The irony of your extremely grown up comment!

I've tried to come from the angle that in my opinion you look more grown up if you don't try and make yourself look like a grown up.

This is the line always took.

Mine are 25 and 17 now and it's always worked well.

On Friday night there was a birthday party at a local pub. Party was for 11 year old boys, whole class invited, the party was in the function room above pub. Girls from the class dressed up, high heels,full make up, short skirt, false eyelashes. One 11 year old girl (January birthday) is 5'6 tall and adult men were winking at her... honestly if you didn't know her age...based on her height and what she was wearing you'd think minimum of 16 years of age..no parental supervision either

It's too grown up and you are beautiful without it!

What a pointless comment

It would depend on the 11 year old, but if you think it would make her consider, I'd tell her that if she really wants them then she needs to put together a mini business case with five reasons why she should have them (and presumably why you should pay for them) and what benefit they would bring to her. Actual measurable benefits to her. Not "because everyone else does".

If she can do it then fair play, I'd pay for them as a treat.

Otherwise, just tell her no, she's fine as she is, and it's not healthy to be regularly sticking plastic to yourself.

I think you need to be honest that as unfair as it is these things draw male gaze and not all men/people are safe people.

My mother always told me no because it looks slutty. I still got sexually assaulted. And then internalised that as my fault because I was 'slutty' (really wasn't). Many years later I understand the attention I drew wearing what I did and that while it's never the victims fault certain things do seem to be a green light for predatory men.

I have a 8yo girl and she knows I won't let her wear crop tops/heels etc because they draw attention and some people may treat her like an adult. She's already been forcefully kissed against her wishes by another child so she is keen not to draw similar attention in future. It's sick and I tell her it's not her responsibility I just want her to be safe but she definitely thinks if you show your skin like that then boys will make you kiss them.

Don't be ridiculous. He didn't suggest anything of the sort.

Yes - any woman or young girl should be able to wear anything she wants and not get unwelcome attention but that's not the world we live in. So we will judge what is appropriate for her to go out in until such time as she is older and can decide for herself when it's fun and appropriate and when it might be safer/less hassle to look her age.

Some people are perfectly capable of telling someone to ff off and others are upset and threatened by it irrespective of their age. I see no reason to accelerate her life experience and put her in that position until she is older and has the confidence in herself to deal with it.

I would also mention that it is illegal for salons to put acrylic nails on girls under 16 and that nails and lashes all cost large amounts of money to maintain. When your daughter has the finances to maintain nails and lashes, she is welcome to think about having them.

This is so sad - 9 year olds doing that much? Some parents are just shocking ☹️

Are you kidding? Why would, you ever think it’s ok for children to wear false eyelashes and nails? It’s hypersexualising childhood and is totally inappropriate.
OP - just tell your DD that she is too young and you will reconsider when she’s older.

Because they are not for children. I presume she doesn’t have the money ey for them either.

You are too young for these things and that’s the end of it. Sometimes adults say because things aren’t appropriate regardless of what other people are doing