To say to DH this isn't even a discussion and I wouldn't be going on this holiday?

[NellyNilly]

Curious to see what others think of this request from DH as I just think it's a bit bizarre and unreasonable of him to expect.

We share one 4 year old and he has two older children who are 11 and 13 with an ex.

DH has never really been much of a holiday person and so in the years we've been together (6) we have never gone on holiday with DSC.

That's absolutely been his choice, I have said many times over the years I'd be happy to but he's never fancied it and they have always gone with their mum. We've had the odd weekend away in UK but nothing more with them.

I have been away with family and friends since we've been together and also since our child was born I have taken them away with my parents a few times too.

DH is now suggesting that he'd like to take DSC away in the school hols, great I said! Except it turned out in his mind what he was suggesting was us just taking DSC and asking someone to look after our 4 year old. Apparently according to DH it won't be a relaxing holiday with a young child and he'd like to go walking and exploring with me and the older ones that we can't do with our child yet. Said in a few years it'll be fine with our youngest.

I have been on a few holidays now with youngest and always enjoy them so I don't really get or appreciate his reasoning.

I have basically said under no circumstances am I going on a summer holiday with DSC and leaving our child at home. I won't even discuss it to be honest as it would feel absolutely wrong to me. I would not want to go off on holiday with other children and leave my own behind, I simply wouldn't enjoy it knowing we'd done that.

To make it absolutely clear, when I have been away with our child in the past he has not come. He has never been on an abroad holiday with our DC and not DSC so I have no idea why he thinks it'd be fine the other way around but to me it isn't.

He thinks I'm unreasonable, I don't. So what do you think please?

@NellyNilly them away? Is this them as in his DC or did you mean him as in your DC? Sorry I read ‘them’ as plural meaning his 2

Imagine the older kids wanted to go, for example, wild camping. Would they have to wait until their little sibling was old enough to go too? They'd be in their 20s!!!

No. But I think if he's going to go away with his older children, which is fine, he should be willing to also do something with just our child too, which he isn't.

In the same way if he took our child to disney or whatever posters would be saying he should do a solo trip with DSC too so they both get time with dad.

Sorry to clarify I have never taken DSC away by myself or with my family. I have never been on holiday with DSC.

The them I was referring to in my OP was our child and my family. I have only ever been on holiday with our child. Never with DSC.

I would happily go away with DSC if DH wanted to, but for me to go it would need to include our child too.

This is horrible, my four year would be devastated if we went on holidays without her.

If you think about all of the small humans of the family as just that, rather than His or Hers, then it becomes pretty clear what's reasonable and what's not.

I'm not clear why this man has three children, he sounds like an shitty dad. He's only interested in them when he finds them interesting? That's not good parenting. He is a selfish parent.

Hallelujah for their mum who doesn't mind doing the right thing and takes them on holiday, and for you for doing the same for DS. If it was up to him they'd be mothballed and taken out when they were old enough to be bit part accessories in his idea of a good time. He sounds painful, I hope they both tell him to stick his holiday up his arse. He will regret this one day, his relationship with all of them will be paper thin.

I don't think you are being completely unreasonable apart from you seem to be saying you don't think he should go away just with his older children. Your 4yo might be a bit left out but if he's home with you then you can have a fun week with him. I think stepchildren can feel left out from the attention given to a younger child and it would be lovely for them to have some time with their dad before they are too old for family holidays - there will be plenty of opportunities for your child to have holidays with your husband in future

Oh ffs! Why can’t people read.

He doesn't want to go on holiday with just his elder children. So it doesn't matter if the OP supports that happening or not. He doesn't want to go away without her.

Totally agree with you OP I wouldn’t be going without 4 year old either.

and as some are suggesting the 4 year old wouldn’t understand or remember… at 4 years old they absolutely can remember and understand more than a lot of people realise at that age, even if they didn’t and they looked back at photos in years to come and saw there was holidays without him how do you think it would make him feel? Especially as father doesn’t discipline all the children the same, that’s going to cause al kinds of issues…

stick to your guns op your doing right by your LO

Can you all go but just split up for different activities some days? Everyone of every age likes the beach/swimming but if he wants to go hiking just go with the two older ones and you guys do something appropriate for the younger one. Does he realise you don't have to all stick together every day/all day....

Try reading the OPs posts. HE (meaning the father of three children) does NOT want his youngest child to go. That is it in a nutshell. HE is blocking it, not OP.

HE has NEVER been on holiday with ANY of his three children. And that is the part I find the most surprising, and the most depressing.

Chill out, my understanding was he'd suggested a holiday where the four year old didn't go/stayed at home to enable the older two to go on grown up activities like hiking.

I'm merely saying that in response I would say "the four year old can come, we will all go to X location, you can then do some fun grown up activities with the big ones"

He's suggested the holiday, and suggested that's the reason for excluding the little one - which is a mad reason IMO because you can do different things on a holiday with different groups. I'm assuming most people wouldn't just say "No way" they'd say "I'm not leaving the 4 year old behind, if you want a holiday how about we do xyz so everyone enjoys it, or you go alone with the 2 older ones on a holiday for 3"

Why are you so ragey..... don't like my response, potter on with your day.... jeez

Chill out? 😂 I will when people learn to read the OPs (multiple and clear) posts. I figured you couldn't see the relevant and important parts.

Your hubby is batshit. Holiday fun is about the kids having fun in the first instance, but no reason you can’t hang out with the 4 year old whilst he takes the older two skydiving or whatever he has in mind! 😂

Fair enough but why does the OP have to go? If they are that bothered then the husband can take them off for some quality time. It seems, however, he must have his wife by his side.

If you have childcare why not.

I would book the adventure holiday with DSC and take DC to Disney land Paris a few weeks before (he's less likely to understand going second whereas the older kids will).

Loads of big families with multiple kids to separate holidays and it seems to work well.

He only does holidays once kids are old enough that they can take part in the things he enjoys

You're talking as if this his proven history. There hasn't been a holiday in 11 years with him and any dc.

If there's a holiday in the offing, OP and her son should be included.

Because there's no guarantee there will be a holiday for OP's son when he's 11.

If you have childcare why not.
'Because I love my child and don't want to take a holiday without him/her?'

I think people are misunderstanding you a bit, OP.

From reading your posts, you have no issue with your DH going away with DSC on his own and not taking your DC.

But you think that, if he does this, he should also do a holiday at some point with your DC.

So all the children get a holiday with their dad at some point (either together or separately).

But although you're not thrilled at the prospect of DSC going on holiday with their dad while your DC misses out, you wouldn't try to stop them.

But your 'red line' is that you won't go on a "family" holiday and leave one member of the family behind - your DC.

Seems perfectly reasonable to me.

Your DH is a selfish arse btw - but you're probably already worked that out!

Why on earth would he think that you'd spend your own childfree time with him and DSC doing what they want to do, as opposed to doing something you want to do? Especially given he doesn't appear to put himself out at all for his own child.

Besides which, who's going to ditch their child for a holiday with other people's children?

If I'm having a child-free dinner out, I don't go to McDonalds or Pizza Express.

Like hell would I take other children on holiday and not my own. Stand your ground, more importantly stand up for your dc.

@NellyNilly Has the selfish twat seen the light yet?

I agree with you, I wouldn't go without my child when others are going. I would probably suggest he goes with the step children and you'll do your own thing with your child if that's how he wants it. Stick to your guns on this one. If it was just you and him fair enough for adults alone time but to invite some kids and not others is mean and will build negative relationships so round.