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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say to DH this isn't even a discussion and I wouldn't be going on this holiday?

502 replies

NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 11:48

Curious to see what others think of this request from DH as I just think it's a bit bizarre and unreasonable of him to expect.

We share one 4 year old and he has two older children who are 11 and 13 with an ex.

DH has never really been much of a holiday person and so in the years we've been together (6) we have never gone on holiday with DSC.

That's absolutely been his choice, I have said many times over the years I'd be happy to but he's never fancied it and they have always gone with their mum. We've had the odd weekend away in UK but nothing more with them.

I have been away with family and friends since we've been together and also since our child was born I have taken them away with my parents a few times too.

DH is now suggesting that he'd like to take DSC away in the school hols, great I said! Except it turned out in his mind what he was suggesting was us just taking DSC and asking someone to look after our 4 year old. Apparently according to DH it won't be a relaxing holiday with a young child and he'd like to go walking and exploring with me and the older ones that we can't do with our child yet. Said in a few years it'll be fine with our youngest.

I have been on a few holidays now with youngest and always enjoy them so I don't really get or appreciate his reasoning.

I have basically said under no circumstances am I going on a summer holiday with DSC and leaving our child at home. I won't even discuss it to be honest as it would feel absolutely wrong to me. I would not want to go off on holiday with other children and leave my own behind, I simply wouldn't enjoy it knowing we'd done that.

To make it absolutely clear, when I have been away with our child in the past he has not come. He has never been on an abroad holiday with our DC and not DSC so I have no idea why he thinks it'd be fine the other way around but to me it isn't.

He thinks I'm unreasonable, I don't. So what do you think please?

OP posts:
Phoenixfire1988 · 06/03/2024 15:45

He's keeping his children seperate rather than inergrating them into the family and I'd imagine as your 4 yo gets bigger they will end up resenting your dh and their step siblings because he's always trying to cut them out of family trips .
Stick to your guns it wouldn't sit right with me either taking sc and leaving my own at home I'd really not enjoy it and it would show

Froggygonefishing · 06/03/2024 15:49

NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 11:52

He doesn't think it's unfair as he's never taken DSC away until they've been older either.

But then they have never had to watch him take another child on holiday either like our child would have to do so I don't know.

No way. We have taken our (7) dc all over the place on holidays, including hikes starting from infant sling days, museums, nice dinner out, etc! I would never imagine taking a holiday, especially with other children, and leaving dc behind. Yes, holiday travel with a youngster does have challenges, but those are formative memories.

Froggygonefishing · 06/03/2024 15:53

yeahwhatev · 05/03/2024 20:05

This is as far as I got reading the thread. As many pp have said the solution is for him to go away with his older kids without you. I don’t understand why you are not supporting this? It will be really good for his kids who haven’t had a holiday with their dad in years. Expecting you to come without your 4 year old is completely ridiculous so YANBU about that but YABU by not encouraging him to go away with the older kids. Him not wanting to go on holiday with his own younger child is a separate issue and one you need to sort out with him separately. Begrudging his older kids a rare holiday with their dad isn’t a good response on your part to his admittedly weird attitude to holidays with younger children.

Show quote history

As dh has not been willing to vacation w op, I completely get why she would be unhappy w him going on holiday w/o her. But I suspects he wants he along to cook, clean, plan, and manage the kids. Op should just take the dsc and DC on a week long holiday without him

WhatwouldOprahdo · 06/03/2024 16:12

Totally agree with Froggygonefishing, he wants you along to manage the whole holiday so you can concentrate solely on their needs, he can then play Disney Dad without you needing to look after your own child. I'd tell my husband to fuck off if he asked me to do this. He should take them on his own, but he won't. YANBU

navigatingmy20s · 06/03/2024 16:41

NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 11:49

Just to add, our child has only just as in weeks ago turned 4 so still quite young.

hello no YANBU!! my daughter has just turned 4 and she is absolutely old enough to understand feeling left out!!

I would imagine your child would be VERY upset being left at home while you and his dad go on holiday with his siblings.

Your husband is being sooooo out of order even suggesting this!!

cockadoodledandy · 06/03/2024 16:50

I can see it from both sides. It’s unfair to leave the little one home, but… holidays with 3/4 year olds are genuinely crap. You can’t go anywhere or do anything, they moan, whine, want feeding every 25 minutes and have to go to bed early.

SpryRedOrca · 06/03/2024 19:07

YANBU. Absolutely. I would never go without my child. Maybe you could all go on a holiday where on some days you would all enjoy some less demanding activities and on other days DH would take DSC on hike/snorkelling/(whatever is ok with his idea of adult holidays) while you could relax with DC by the pool or something.

TeamGeriatric · 06/03/2024 19:10

I agree with you, whilst I don't have any step-children I certainly wouldn't go away with a partners kids and leave my own child at home. We've travelled loads with our kids, city breaks, hiking trips, beach holidays, most things are possible and it sounds like he's overly fixated on the idea that travel with little ones is difficult. It's different to an adults only trip, but we've had many many great holidays with our kids. I'm curious as where he wants to go, has his planning got that far?

MrsB74 · 06/03/2024 19:25

i would not do this - in my mind it’s really odd. I could not leave my child at home like that. He’ll need to take his older children on his own. When you have young children your holidays are different (ie long hikes unlikely); that’s just life as a parent.

A beach holiday where different activities are available is doable - we have done this with a range of ages and are doing it again soon. We have also stayed in cottages in this country with a range of ages - older SC/our younger children at various ages and now a DGC. He’s got a strange view of parenting in my opinion.

MrsB74 · 06/03/2024 19:29

cockadoodledandy · 06/03/2024 16:50

I can see it from both sides. It’s unfair to leave the little one home, but… holidays with 3/4 year olds are genuinely crap. You can’t go anywhere or do anything, they moan, whine, want feeding every 25 minutes and have to go to bed early.

Mine never went to bed early, especially on holiday, apart from when they were babies! Yeah, it’s not that relaxing, but that’s the deal when you have children. It gets easier every year.

Daisy12Maisie · 06/03/2024 19:30

Just categorically say no I'm not going away without my child unless it is a completely child free holiday. He can go with his older children.
There is no compromise. Just no.

Cashew22 · 06/03/2024 19:34

NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 12:25

I think some of it is probably separated dad guilt. I do personally feel be indulges DSC a lot when they are there because he feels bad they aren't there all the time. He's openly admitted to me before that he isn't as strict with DSC as he would be with our child in the future because of the situation and them not living with us full time. I do understand all of this (I'm a stepchild myself).

I think he just thinks this is another way to spoil older DCs and show them they are important. I don't necessarily think it's about dumping them on me whilst we're away but he'd definitely want me to be there so we were away as a family doting on DSC.

He's suggested things like this in the past about doing things separately with DSC, like days out, including me and leaving youngest behind.

I don't actually have a problem with him doing days out with DSC, I don't go typically unless it includes our child, but I understand why he wants to. But a holiday is definitely where I draw the line.

Edited

It sounds like he hasn't got his head around the fact that his older children no longer have one family "unit", and that you are their stepmum rather than the new/other mum that they have while they happen to be at your house. I'm assuming from your posts that you are happy enough spending time with his children, but that you see them as primarily his responsibility, not your shared children, which I think is entirely reasonable given the circumstances. What he has failed to grasp/refuses to acknowledge is that you are not their surrogate mum and should not have to pretend to be, both for your and their sake. If he wants to go away and "dote" on his kids then fine, but I think it's actually a bit weird to expect their stepmum to leave her own young child in order to do the same. I think it needs to be pointed out to him that he can't just bring you along to play happy families with him.

567839Y · 06/03/2024 19:46

NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 17:29

I would be encouraging DH to take DSC away on his own and help anyway I could with organising etc

I'm sure he'd manage

😂. Yeah looks like that might be the best option this time.

What age does a child of his have to be to be an acceptable holiday companion? 🤔

orangebread · 06/03/2024 20:00

YANBU
I loved going on holiday with my child when he was young. This time is precious and it passes so quickly. Enjoy every second. If DH chooses not to, his loss, but it would piss me me off and probably upset me.

PlumbersWifey · 06/03/2024 20:23

Does he not have a bond with your child OP? Very weird. There's something not right with him.

Jllllllll · 06/03/2024 21:03

I can see it from both sides. Holiday with a 4 year old is more limiting but equally it would seem a bit out of order to ask anyone to look after them while you all go off on holiday together. Either go together and he has to accept it won’t be what he wants because young kids generally restrict what you can do or he takes his children on his own and you don’t go.

Beexxxx · 06/03/2024 21:10

Honestly your husband just sucks and should never have been a dad.

Belle104 · 06/03/2024 21:42

I love travelling with my daughter, from when she was 12 weeks old to now (aged 6 years).

Your husband is right, it's not relaxing. But that's life when you're a parent! Did he not know this from the first time round? 😬

If you were frequent travellers as a family, then I'd be able to rationalise a trip with just older kids and adults (to go hiking/other activities). But we're talking about an extremely rare occurance, him never having been away with any of his kids. It's only reasonable that they all go.

567839Y · 06/03/2024 23:08

orangebread · 06/03/2024 20:00

YANBU
I loved going on holiday with my child when he was young. This time is precious and it passes so quickly. Enjoy every second. If DH chooses not to, his loss, but it would piss me me off and probably upset me.

💯

Babyghirl · 06/03/2024 23:49

@NellyNilly
It would be a clear no from me, you want to take dsc away your more than welcome but I won't be joining you and leaving my dc at home, just the way he wouldn't holiday with your jdc and leave sc out.

Your also right about if you wanted to holiday with just dh and jdc and leave sks behind you would be flamed for it, sternum can win on mn, sorry but dsc are not more important than your dc op stick to your guns here and don't budge.

maddening · 06/03/2024 23:57

NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 11:51

In his mind its less about fairness and more about it being not a "fun" holiday for him with a younger child and there's plenty of time to holiday with our youngest when they are a bit older like DSC.

Show quote history

Imo he sounds like a selfish man who puts himself first and would not put himself out for anyone - even his own dc

Beachywave · 07/03/2024 06:23

He’s being very selfish - he wants to do a holiday that suits him, but he’s a parent. I’m sure the children would all love to go together!
My little ones absolutely LOVE going on holiday with their big brother. He should be putting the children first.

T1Dmama · 07/03/2024 15:02

NellyNilly · 06/03/2024 10:12

Sorry to clarify I have never taken DSC away by myself or with my family. I have never been on holiday with DSC.

The them I was referring to in my OP was our child and my family. I have only ever been on holiday with our child. Never with DSC.

I would happily go away with DSC if DH wanted to, but for me to go it would need to include our child too.

sorry that was my fault for misunderstanding ‘them’.
You’ve stated your position as a hard ‘No I won’t go away without my DC’ (which is reasonable!
your DH knows where you stand so it’s now up to him to find a solution, whether that’s going alone with his older 2 or going away as a family of 5 and planning a few days doing grown up activities with his kids while you have a few days in the kids pool with little DC.
Honestly this is his issue to solve. It’s dreadfully sad he doesn’t see a holiday with ALL his kids as being fun though!

RainbowNinja77 · 07/03/2024 17:09

I think if he has specific things in mind, like long walks, then it is entirely reasonable to not want to do this with a small child. You would have to say you are happy to stay behind and look after the younger one or not go and he can enjoy time with his older two.

mathanxiety · 07/03/2024 17:17

Imo he sounds like a selfish man who puts himself first and would not put himself out for anyone - even his own dc

Indeed, and since he has never gone on holiday with his own DC I highly doubt he even knows what they might like to do on a holiday. His planned activities might be nothing like the DSCs' idea of a holiday.

If the OP goes with him and either leaves the youngest child with grandparents of brings him with them, my guess is the DSCs will be left with her while he heads out on a long walk or off to some museum the kids don't feel like visiting. I'd suspect he wants her along so she can babysit.