To say to DH this isn't even a discussion and I wouldn't be going on this holiday?

[NellyNilly]

Curious to see what others think of this request from DH as I just think it's a bit bizarre and unreasonable of him to expect.

We share one 4 year old and he has two older children who are 11 and 13 with an ex.

DH has never really been much of a holiday person and so in the years we've been together (6) we have never gone on holiday with DSC.

That's absolutely been his choice, I have said many times over the years I'd be happy to but he's never fancied it and they have always gone with their mum. We've had the odd weekend away in UK but nothing more with them.

I have been away with family and friends since we've been together and also since our child was born I have taken them away with my parents a few times too.

DH is now suggesting that he'd like to take DSC away in the school hols, great I said! Except it turned out in his mind what he was suggesting was us just taking DSC and asking someone to look after our 4 year old. Apparently according to DH it won't be a relaxing holiday with a young child and he'd like to go walking and exploring with me and the older ones that we can't do with our child yet. Said in a few years it'll be fine with our youngest.

I have been on a few holidays now with youngest and always enjoy them so I don't really get or appreciate his reasoning.

I have basically said under no circumstances am I going on a summer holiday with DSC and leaving our child at home. I won't even discuss it to be honest as it would feel absolutely wrong to me. I would not want to go off on holiday with other children and leave my own behind, I simply wouldn't enjoy it knowing we'd done that.

To make it absolutely clear, when I have been away with our child in the past he has not come. He has never been on an abroad holiday with our DC and not DSC so I have no idea why he thinks it'd be fine the other way around but to me it isn't.

He thinks I'm unreasonable, I don't. So what do you think please?

Your situation is completely different though @CurlewKate. DH wants OP there and so the four year old wouldn't get a holiday with either of them. OP has taken her child off in the past (as has DSC's mum) but that was because her DH wouldn't go - presumably because he won't holiday with younger children even if they are his. The four year old now has to bide his time for several years until he reaches the acceptable age for his own father to tolerate him on holiday.

I think that’s hugely over stating their value, day to day experiences with family are more important for young children than a holiday.

Change in routine, not having their familiar things, air travel, disruptive schedules can be stressful for young children and their families.

On MN holidays seem to be the be all and end all of life for many. I don’t think there are.

I don’t think DS should be left behind though so on that I guess we agree.

YANBU.
I could never ever do what he is suggesting either. He is crazy to suggest it and I would be deeply hurt that he has done so.

I think he is reluctant to go on holiday with his older dc without you. He needs the mummy figure to hold it all together and make the sensible decisions and to motivate his kids and to take charge. To decide every day where to go and what to do. And make it all nice and comfortable for him.
So I feel he won’t go without you OP. And therefore you will be blamed for not enabling a holiday for your dsc and therefore endorsing his refusal to ever go with you and dc while dc is young.

There is something fundamentally wrong with his thinking and parenting ability that he doesn’t want to parent his dc on holiday when they are young but can’t parent his older dc on holiday without somebody helping him either. I feel his refusal to parent his own dc on holiday while they were young was just an excuse …he simply didn’t want to do it without the mummy figure.

The only good way out of this is for him to give way and sincerely apologise for having suggested his/your four year old couldn’t be included on the family holiday.

I have read what the OP has posted. She has said that she is uncomfortable taking her step children away whilst leaving her own child at home. To me that sounds very different from saying, for example, I’m unhappy taking the older children away whilst leaving the youngest at home. My whole point is that it shouldn’t matter if the kids are from a ‘previous partner’ or if they are ‘blood related’ as you put it. When making the decision about whether to go on the holiday the only thing that should be considered is the feelings of the children. For example, would the older kids benefit from having some time they can do more grown up activities without the younger child around, would the youngest be upset by not going etc etc. If her decision is they all go or none go then fine, but the conclusion she reaches should be the same as if the were all her ‘blood related’ children.

Many people do. I haven’t and probably wouldn’t but I could understand a situation where the older kids want to do a holiday with activities they couldn’t do with the younger one around.

If I did this though I would also do something with the younger one, to give them their own treat so they didn’t feel left out. The OPs husband is being unreasonable and selfish to say he won’t do anything with the youngest, presumably as there’s no enjoyment in it for him.

Although logically speaking it could be argued that the older children never had a holiday with him when they were younger either so he’s just being fair. He only does holidays once kids are old enough that they can take part in the things he enjoys (I don’t agree with this but it’s technically not unfair on the youngest, they will eventually get their turn).

Although logically speaking it could be argued that the older children never had a holiday with him when they were younger either so he’s just being fair. He only does holidays once kids are old enough that they can take part in the things he enjoys (I don’t agree with this but it’s technically not unfair on the youngest, they will eventually get their turn)

I know what people are saying with this but I do disagree.

For DSC they have never had to experience their dad going away with his other child and leaving them behind. Okay they never got a holiday with him either but they weren't left behind whilst he went with some of his children and not them. In the same way he's never taken older stepchild but left younger stepchild behind. He wouldn't do that and I'm not sure why that's any different.

But our child would have to literally be left behind whilst he went with his other children knowing that he doesn't want to go with them. I do think that is different than DSC just growing up never going on holiday with him but not having to watch him go with anyone else either.

If this were the opposite scenario and he enjoyed holidays more with younger kids no one would be suggesting he take ours and leave DSC behind or never holiday with them again because at least he did when they were little so it's not unfair.

Except it turned out in his mind what he was suggesting was us just taking DSC and asking someone to look after our 4 year old. Apparently according to DH it won't be a relaxing holiday with a young child and he'd like to go walking and exploring with me and the older ones
He'd be my ex husband after that comment. Shows how he thinks. I don't like it.
Let him go on holiday with his older children. You stay at home with your little one.
And think through whether you want the husband back or not.

Have you discussed with him that you could all go away together but you and youngest child do your own thing during the day then everyone getting back together in the evenings?
That way everyone is included in the holiday overall but the kids are all getting to do age appropriate activities? With a walking / outdoorsy holiday to me it does make sense that older ones would do different activities/lengths of walks to younger child.

There have been countless threads on MN where posters get very hot under the collar at any suggestions that DSC don't go on blended family holidays - which in general I agree with. There's been a fair few "I don't want to take stroppy teenage DSC as they will ruin the holiday for everyone, AIBU?" type posts and the OP gets howls of disapproval. There was even one where the OP was taking her 1 DC on a short break paid for by her mum and leaving her OH behind and the ex-wife kicked off insisting she take the DSC with her as well, which OP didn't expect or want to do, and again quite a portion of the posters gave OP a drubbing. Seems like DSC should be handled with kid gloves on MN but DC from 2nd marriages have to just lump it.

@SEMPA1234567 I have never heard of a family going on holiday and deciding to leave one child behind and I have been on this planet a fair few years. Sometimes older teenagers want to do their own thing, but that's a different scenario. It's not uncommon for one or more DC to go with one parent to somewhere they'd enjoy or to do a shared activity (like a riding holiday) but that is very different to alienating one sibling while everybody else gets to go.

Oh yes the absolute uproar if you were going away and not taking step DC!!

mumsnet is funny sometimes! No you are not unreasonable to refuse to go away without your DC. I’d never go away and leave my DC,

This isn’t and never has been about your husband prioritising a holiday with his kids, this is about your husband prioritising his own wants!! HE wants a holiday without a young child so that HE can do long walks etc…. Does he honestly think his two teenage sons are going to want to do long hikes? HE is selfish and frankly deluded! and he’s a gaslighting prick calling you unreasonable and trying to pressure you into doing something you’re against!

Just keep saying NO… no more explanation needed to him or the Mumsnetters that can’t read!

OP is not refusing to allow H to take his children away , she is not refusing to go... she just want wants their child to be included and take him as well.

I do in part see his reasoning and I see yours. There isn’t really a way to resolve it unless one compromises - you are both being equally reasonable and unreasonable in your own ways.

We have a similar age gap (10 years) between DSD and DS. With the small exception of going to see animals at a wildlife park. They really don’t have the same interests, stamina levels etc. A holiday with older children is very different to one with younger children. A holiday with both is a fine juggling act and usually one parent with the older child and one with the younger to meet their needs. So very little parent time together.

We compromise and often leave DS with grandparents to do things with DSD alone. Things she would enjoy. Maybe 4 weekends a year in the UK usually. City breaks / theatre trips etc. DS isn’t missing out because he has awesome grandparents and has fun. Plus we will do these things with him when he is older - DSD would be welcome then too but in her 20s so probably wouldn’t want to come.

I can see that you don’t want to leave your own child and that is your choice.

YANBU no way would I be leaving my 4 yr old to go away with his other kids!

I wouldn't like this either OP. Can't understand why PPs persist in missing the fact that you would rather your DH went on his own with the DSC than you had to go and leave your DC at home, but HE doesn't want to do that (by all accounts that would be a lot bloody easier!).
I may have missed this somewhere but have you discussed this alternative option with your DH, and he's refused, or are you saying you know he won't consider it so haven't bothered? If the latter perhaps worth doing so anyway, just in case he surprises you.

Family holidays are expensive. It seems a waste to spend all that money on flights amd hotels and food and activity and to miss out one child.

The youngest deserves time with his mum and dad and half siblings too.

I’d be more concerned that your husband thinks he won’t enjoy a holiday with his own child! I’m sorry, but what now? Your poor child. He doesn’t sound like a very engaged father at all. I’m angry on your behalf.

Cant you all go together and he can go off walking with the older 2 and you do something else with your child while he does that? Thats what other people would do. I deffinetly wouldnt want to leave my youngest at home either.

OP isn’t being unreasonable at all… you do weekends away and leave your DC… he’s proposing a holiday abroad! Likely minimum of a week.
OP has also stated she’s done holidays with dc and step dc but he’s never come along….. so
shes been very fair and reasonable !

Going to a theatre or city break in the U.K. and leaving a child behind for a weekend is very different to an actual holiday abroad and leaving a child behind.

AND as OP has stated several times, he is also unwilling to do a separate holiday with the younger one which is for me the really unreasonable part…. I bet you and DH do holidays with your child too? Not just the Step child?…. But holidays with your son too! OP’s husband is refusing to do this because HE won’t enjoy a holiday with a youngster.

OP has also stated she’s done holidays with dc and step dc.

Sorry just to be clear I've never taken DSC away. Their mum takes them away most years and I go with our child with family. The children have never been on a holiday together.

Oh sorry I thought you’d said in a post that you’ve also taken DSC away but never with DH.

No, I've only ever taken our child away. DSC go with their own mum. I'd happily go away with DH, DSC and our child but he's never wanted to.

In your original post you stated

I have been away with family and friends since we've been together and also since our child was born I have taken them away with my parents a few times too. Suggesting* *you’ve taken his DC away with your parents on holidays. Maybe this was DSC and not DC but my point was that you’ve done holidays with your step children and not DH which shows what a lovely character you are and DH really is just selfish when it comes to prioritising his kids needs.
It really wouldn’t be difficult to book a week or two away somewhere and for him to go off with his older two on the odd occasion for walks, play pool/snooker/table tennis etc and Leave you with youngest building sand castles…. You could even do something with DSC while he plays with youngest etc…. But the fact he’s not open to booking a holiday that suits everyone is extremely sad.
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all! I’d be telling him he’ll be in the same situation again if he continues to treat your DC like an accessory that can be left behind when it suits. (As in an absent father/divorced)

No. We don’t take take our DS away without DSD. I’m not saying we wouldn’t if the situation arose where we wanted to do something with him that she wouldn’t be interested in or wasn’t able to come to. It just isn’t a situation that has happened yet.

I also would take DSD away abroad for a week without DS if there was such a situation eg DSD, partner and I both scuba dive. We might fancy a holiday that DS is frankly too young for (he isn’t even 2 yet).

DS does go abroad on holidays without me or his dad. My brother lives in France and my parents have taken him there for two weeks at a time. DSD doesn’t go on those holidays.

I fully accept that these are my decisions and that not everybody is happy to leave their child overnight never mind for a longer time period.

I did say that I felt they were both being equally reasonable and unreasonable. I can see where both parties are coming from. But I think my reference to being unreasonable is that in a relationship both people have to compromise somewhere or you just sit at a stalemate. Both parties have valid points of view but unless there is a compromise somewhere - what is the point? The only way to compromise / reach an agreement is to discuss it.