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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say to DH this isn't even a discussion and I wouldn't be going on this holiday?

502 replies

NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 11:48

Curious to see what others think of this request from DH as I just think it's a bit bizarre and unreasonable of him to expect.

We share one 4 year old and he has two older children who are 11 and 13 with an ex.

DH has never really been much of a holiday person and so in the years we've been together (6) we have never gone on holiday with DSC.

That's absolutely been his choice, I have said many times over the years I'd be happy to but he's never fancied it and they have always gone with their mum. We've had the odd weekend away in UK but nothing more with them.

I have been away with family and friends since we've been together and also since our child was born I have taken them away with my parents a few times too.

DH is now suggesting that he'd like to take DSC away in the school hols, great I said! Except it turned out in his mind what he was suggesting was us just taking DSC and asking someone to look after our 4 year old. Apparently according to DH it won't be a relaxing holiday with a young child and he'd like to go walking and exploring with me and the older ones that we can't do with our child yet. Said in a few years it'll be fine with our youngest.

I have been on a few holidays now with youngest and always enjoy them so I don't really get or appreciate his reasoning.

I have basically said under no circumstances am I going on a summer holiday with DSC and leaving our child at home. I won't even discuss it to be honest as it would feel absolutely wrong to me. I would not want to go off on holiday with other children and leave my own behind, I simply wouldn't enjoy it knowing we'd done that.

To make it absolutely clear, when I have been away with our child in the past he has not come. He has never been on an abroad holiday with our DC and not DSC so I have no idea why he thinks it'd be fine the other way around but to me it isn't.

He thinks I'm unreasonable, I don't. So what do you think please?

OP posts:
Bananasandtoast · 05/03/2024 22:20

SquishyBeanBag · 05/03/2024 22:16

People asked me if he could go alone and I've said of course he could he's an adult he can do whatever he likes. I'm not going to pretend I'd be pleased by the idea but I wouldn't stop him doing it. But again, that's not what he's suggesting and never was.

Why wouldn't you be pleased with him going on holiday with his kids? Wouldn't that give you hope that one day he will go on holiday with you and your child?

Why wouldn't you be pleased by the fact he's being a decent human being by parenting his children regardless of them being yours or not.

Equality is easier to take, even if it's him being equally a bit shit to all the children.
OP isn't pleased about him breaking the equal status quo and singling her own child out for the shitty end of the stick.
It's not hard to fathom.

Original poster
NellyNilly · 05/03/2024 22:21

SquishyBeanBag · 05/03/2024 22:16

People asked me if he could go alone and I've said of course he could he's an adult he can do whatever he likes. I'm not going to pretend I'd be pleased by the idea but I wouldn't stop him doing it. But again, that's not what he's suggesting and never was.

Why wouldn't you be pleased with him going on holiday with his kids? Wouldn't that give you hope that one day he will go on holiday with you and your child?

Why wouldn't you be pleased by the fact he's being a decent human being by parenting his children regardless of them being yours or not.

Really it needs explaining again?

Because I think if he is happy to go on holiday with DSC he should be happy to do the same with our child too. In the same way plenty of posters would be saying the same thing if he took our child away and not DSC I imagine.

He can go wherever he wants with DSC, I just think it's off personally to go on holiday with some of your children but refuse to consider going with the other.

OP posts:
LaughingCat · 05/03/2024 22:21

Newbutoldfather · 04/03/2024 12:00

I kind of get where he is coming from, as long as the holiday isn’t over a week, and as long as you have grandparents who would happily take your 4 year old, and you could do another holiday with him.

There are some holidays which work well with an 11 year old and not with a 4 year ol d. And by the time the 4 year old is 11, the 11 year old will be 18, and probably not interested.

Luckily my two are close in age, so never had the dilemma. It would be interesting to hear from other families who have big age gaps here.

I’m eight years older than my brother. We always went on holidays together. You make sure that you do things that cater to different ages - and that included the parents in my family. Also, 7-9 years isn’t that bad an age gap. What I enjoyed about being on the beach at 12 was different to what my bro enjoyed at 4 but we both enjoyed it. Walking round Berlin or Barcelona can’t have been hugely interesting to a 4 year old, but getting ice cream and playing cards was on the way round while I enjoyed playing tour guide. We both fought over the game boy and slept in the endless driving.

@NellyNilly - I’m sure your partner is lovely but he sounds really disinterested in his kids until they reach an ‘interesting’ age. That’s messed up. They’re not here to entertain him. He’s giving off major pillock vibes from your description of his behaviour.

Imbusytodaysorry · 05/03/2024 22:33

Wheeeeee · 04/03/2024 12:03

He sounds incredibly self-centred and selfish. Is he like that in other areas?

Very! It’s all about him
not his kids or his partner

Dexterrolledoffthesofa · 05/03/2024 22:38

This is as far as I got reading the thread.

Perhaps you should've carried on reading..........

WoodBurningStov · 05/03/2024 22:40

So he won't go on holiday with you and your shared dc!

But he will go on holiday with you and his dc (your dsc) because it will be more fun - sounds like a charming fella!

By the sounds of things he won't go on holiday unless he will enjoy it, regardless of his children will or will not.
I also expect he wants you to tag along without your shared dc so you can help him compare his dc.

I don't blame you for not wanting to go.

Baroloandbluecheese · 05/03/2024 22:40

He’s being incredibly selfish. Not sure why he thinks that a) it’s ok to leave one of his kids behind and b) why he thinks 11 & 14 year old kids would want to walk and explore.
He needs to understand that holidays are for the whole family, not about his exclusive enjoyment.

Keeper11 · 05/03/2024 22:40

I can’t imagine explaining to a four year old that Mummy & Daddy are going on holiday with Daddy's DC but you can’t come!
YANBU most definitely!

ftp · 05/03/2024 23:41

He has possibly been told by ex or his older children that he has to take them away, and he is either terrified or wants you to do all the work and organising.

Is he trying to keep his families separate - do the older siblings even know they have a young half-brother?

Is ex making it a condition of holiday?
Is he trying to make up for being an absent parent, and feels that the focus might be on DS if he is there?
Is he trying to get you to bond with them? Does he not see that you come as a package?
Does he simply not really like/ relate to young children at all? How much time does he spend playing with DS?
Or is he really self-centred and sees holidays about him? Perhaps he does not want a holiday that is not about HIS fun? Or did he have some horrible hard work holidays with ex and children, which he does not want to repeat?
Could you find a venue that has a kids club, that will allow him time to enjoy with out DS?
Men can be jealous of the time their wives spend on their children - as DS is just turned 4, he is probably hard work and very time consuming, but even if not, he is really too young to be left behind.
You do really need to get him to explain himself - if he can.

Blueink · 05/03/2024 23:54

He doesn’t want to go with them on his own (and expects you to go and leave DS is the off part).

I wouldn’t be leaving DS either if I was you but don’t find it such a big deal he doesn’t want to have a holiday with DS while he is so young.

I don’t buy into bs like ‘making memories’ etc tho. DS will have little to no memory of the holiday when he’s even DSC ages. Holidays often expensive plus hard work and disruptive for young children.

I voted YANBU, but would be very actively encouraging him to go by himself with the DSC as would want him to develop himself in this way, work on building his role/confidence as a DF and these relationships.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 06/03/2024 00:09

I think he sounds self centered.

Snugglemonkey · 06/03/2024 00:14

Yeah, I am just not going on holiday without my dc. I have np holding that boundary.

Mrsgus · 06/03/2024 00:14

Slightly different situation but we have big age gaps between our children. Our eldest dc's do not come away with us now as they have their own families and our youngest 2 have a 12 year age gap between them. We choose holidays that have a bit of everything (pool with onsite waterpark which have slides for both, plenty of excursions etc etc) Dh took older dc on a quad bike safari and helmet diving 2 years ago and then we went on a bottomless boat trip together. I am taking older dc on a 5 day break early summer, just him and me to do something he really wants to do (once in a lifetime event for his 18th birthday). Our youngest would find it absolutely boring so Dh is staying home with him and we will go away later in the year as a family.
I think this needs a lot more discussion and compromise between you both. He's dad to all 3 so needs to buck his ideas up and start acting like a father!!

newyearnewknees · 06/03/2024 00:29

SquishyBeanBag · 05/03/2024 22:16

People asked me if he could go alone and I've said of course he could he's an adult he can do whatever he likes. I'm not going to pretend I'd be pleased by the idea but I wouldn't stop him doing it. But again, that's not what he's suggesting and never was.

Why wouldn't you be pleased with him going on holiday with his kids? Wouldn't that give you hope that one day he will go on holiday with you and your child?

Why wouldn't you be pleased by the fact he's being a decent human being by parenting his children regardless of them being yours or not.

Unbelievable! The OP should be PLEASED that he's just opted out of being a parent to his youngest child because at least he's being nice to his older children?!

Because the OP can 'hope' that one day, he might parent his youngest child too?

I bet this poster wouldn't be saying this to the DSC's mum if she posted about the husband taking his youngest child away and not the two oldest!

Mothership4two · 06/03/2024 00:37

@SEMPA1234567

YABU - if you decide to marry someone with kids then you should take them on as your own. From your responses it seems that your issue is you don’t want to go away with HIS kids and leave YOUR child at home. You should be doing whatever you would do if all 3 children were yours. If you would consider just taking the older ones away to give them the experience then do. If you would consider the pros and cons of this if all 3 were yours but won’t now because they are step children then you are obviously totally unreasonable!!

Who takes their children away on holiday but leaves one behind even if they are full siblings? I expect OP's reaction would be exactly the same.

What a selfish dad to want to leave a younger child because it would take the shine off HIS holiday! Mr ThinksheisthecentreoftheUniverse AKA Crap Dad.

Mothership4two · 06/03/2024 00:45

I think if the OP and her DH were doing that @Mrsgus this wouldn't be an issue, but her DH doesn't want to go on holiday with their youngest at all. It sounds like he has got it in his head that children under a certain age would be hard work (for him) - not 100% wrong but that's what parents do - and presumably that's why he hasn't wanted to take his older ones until now. He's a selfish muppet.

Poodleydoodley · 06/03/2024 01:48

Could you not all 5 of you go and you and 4 year old do different activities while dh and dsc do their activities.

sandyhappypeople · 06/03/2024 02:19

So he asked you to come and leave the 4 year old at home, you've said no you're not prepared to do that (quite rightly).. then neither of you have talked about it since or offered any sort of compromise/alternative.. communication doesn't seem to be your strong point as a couple.

RecklessGoddess · 06/03/2024 03:22

SEMPA1234567 · 05/03/2024 20:18

YABU - if you decide to marry someone with kids then you should take them on as your own. From your responses it seems that your issue is you don’t want to go away with HIS kids and leave YOUR child at home. You should be doing whatever you would do if all 3 children were yours. If you would consider just taking the older ones away to give them the experience then do. If you would consider the pros and cons of this if all 3 were yours but won’t now because they are step children then you are obviously totally unreasonable!!

Makes me feel really sad for kids that end up living between 2 households like this. Never feeling 100% wanted in either. Imagine being them and at your house knowing your kid is loved by both adults in the home but when they’re there they only get 1 adults love and the other adult is always going to favour their own child. Then they go back to their mums and presumably get the same from the 2 adults in that home. Never having somewhere they are made to feel totally wanted, so sad.

BTW- your husband is also unreasonable for not wanting to do a holiday with your young child. As a parent you obviously have to do holidays that are aren’t 100% what you want to do but you get pleasure from seeing them enjoy themselves. Sounds quite selfish of him that he only wants to take the kids away once there’s something in it for him!!

You clearly have not read everything the OP has said, because if you did, you would see that she had said she'd happily go, if ALL their kids were going. To leave the only child they had together, and only take the ones he had with a previous partner, is absolutely out if order, when expecting her to go without their joint blood related child! She is absolutely NOT being unreasonable, he's 100% unreasonable. You're part of a very small minority who can't be bothered to actually read her words properly, and said she is being unreasonable!!

Rabbitsandgerbils · 06/03/2024 03:27

YANBU OP! If you agreed to leave your DC at home and go on holiday with DH and DSC only this would be seriously upsetting for you and for DC and the children would all miss out on important bonding time as siblings (as well as potentially being the start of some permanently scarring memories in the future for DC as a point in time they can remember that they have ‘always been treated differently’ to DSC).

I would completely stand firm on you not going without your DC and ask DH can he not see that you would be miserable without them and that would be no ‘holiday’ for you?

I would explain whenever this comes up that he has THREE CHILDREN and THREE OPTIONS here (if he gets annoyed with you just keep repeating ‘three children, three options, your choice’)

  1. He takes his DSC alone (maybe on a short UK trip if he is daunted by his first holiday alone with them)

  2. You all come as a family of 5 and he can take older DSC off to do ‘older child’ activities or you find ways to make it work for all of you, which several PPs have said they manage with age gap DCs/DSCs and it sounds like you’d be up for trying this.

  3. If he won’t take DSC on holiday without you (but won’t consider taking your DC too) then they all stay home and have no holiday with him this year but you make very clear this is HIS choice as you are not stopping him going away.

I would also ask him whether he considers making all of his decisions about parenting DSC through the lens of guilt to be healthy for them in the long term?

Yes he left them with their Mum. Yes he lives with you and DC. That’s life. He needs to make peace with it otherwise his DSC will hold it over him for life and he’ll feel unable to hold proper and healthy boundaries for them which is not good in the long term. Would it not be better to treat his three children as equally as he can - and this holiday is the perfect starting opportunity.

Stand firm on this OP - let us know what he decides…

MindHowYouGoes · 06/03/2024 04:02

He doesn’t sound like a particularly good dad really. Is he like this with them generally? Does he take the dsc on days out alone if you refuse to go? Or if you say no to these day trips excluding your 4 year old do they just not happen?

Manyandyoucanwalkover · 06/03/2024 04:06

YANBU @NellyNilly . There’s some weird answers on this thread suggesting YABU. You definitely need to stick to what is right. I suggest you step away from this thread, as there are too many idiots posting bizarre comments.

Codlingmoths · 06/03/2024 04:08

Blueink · 05/03/2024 23:54

He doesn’t want to go with them on his own (and expects you to go and leave DS is the off part).

I wouldn’t be leaving DS either if I was you but don’t find it such a big deal he doesn’t want to have a holiday with DS while he is so young.

I don’t buy into bs like ‘making memories’ etc tho. DS will have little to no memory of the holiday when he’s even DSC ages. Holidays often expensive plus hard work and disruptive for young children.

I voted YANBU, but would be very actively encouraging him to go by himself with the DSC as would want him to develop himself in this way, work on building his role/confidence as a DF and these relationships.

Kids can have an amazing time on holidays and even if they don’t remember it when older, that experience of being happy with your family is still a formative experience that feeds into the development of them as a person. They don’t have to remember it for having those moment matter.

CurlewKate · 06/03/2024 04:15

I'm a bit torn on this one. We don't have a blended family, but we quite often went on holidays when we took one child each because we had shared interests (dd and I went riding, ds and dp went sailing.) Would you feel the same about something like that, OP? I can see how some holidays suitable for teenagers would be entirely unsuitable for a 4 year old and vice versa....

Ohpleeeease · 06/03/2024 04:21

YANBU. He wants the glory of giving his DC a ‘fun’ holiday without the work or responsibility of it.