To expect DH to not go to football training?

[mrsfruitloop]

I have a tummy tuck consultation on Friday and DS has football training (DH is an assistant coach) all of the consultations are on a Friday so it means I will never be able to go. DH is refusing to miss any training days to allow me to go to the consultation.

He won’t let my mum come and babysit the kids either as he doesn’t want her at our house apparently.

I feel like he is just doing to to stop me from going! He keeps saying it’s a waste of money and I should be spending it on the kids and our family not myself.

And yet I'm delighted with mine, my husband 100% without question supported me, and looked after everything for weeks while I recovered.

OP, he's being a dick. Just get your mum round.

But - you are going to have problems in recovery if he isn't willing to do everything, and I mean everything, for at least a few weeks.

Would you ask this question if the main carer was a woman?

Tell him to fuck off. Football should never come before family. You want a tummy tuck then have one. You gave him 3 children and if you have been left with something making you miserable he should help you not hinder you. I would just get your mum round regardless of what he says and then make plans to get rid of him. X

Oh purely about this comment, I get him.

Prob better off making an appt with a divorce lawyer than a cosmetic surgeon at this point.

And he's being deemed lazy and the debt they both accrued is his... I agree that money should go towards debts before cosmetic surgery.

If a SAHM not working was blasted as much as this role reversal people would be up in arms

Don’t worry - he’ll be fine. He will get at least half the equity in the house, and as he’s the main carer for the children will likely get at least 50/50 custody, if not more.

I sympathise with you OP. I have had only one c section (I’m also in my late 20’s) and I have the most awful overhang. I’m slim all over yet my stomach is so out of proportion with my body, it’s a massive insecurity of mine. I completely understand why you want to do it, but honestly looking at your comments - I don’t think it’s the right time for you and your family right now. If you have debts, use that money to pay them off and sit down and speak to your partner about a time scale for you to definitely go through with the surgery. As other commenters have said, it’s a huge surgery with a big recovery time and as a family, it’s something to be discussed regarding that and not just finances. Regarding your partners hobby, I think him missing one session is not an issue but I can see it being that with you recovering - he would end up missing a lot more.

I hope you manage to sort it, I think you both have points of views that you need to communicate with each other to get the end result!

It's not the clearing debts vs paying for surgery question that makes you so unreasonable OP. It's the fact that you are minimising your DH's contribution to the family and lying on this thread to make out that he's a spendthrift who's got you into debt.

Here are the facts:

DS has football training (DH is an assistant coach) - So this is an obligation, and if he doesn't go it will impact training for the other children too?

He has some debts about 10k in total he has it in payment plan. - This is a straight up lie. The actual truth is that:
The debt isn’t recent it’s from 2018-2020 so we both played a part of it.

He works 3 evenings and stays at home with 1 year old DS during the day and does school runs for the older 2. - So he's a SAHD who provides childcare for a 1yo and also works part time, rather than a lazy waster?

As the house I have brought is in my name only. - If you are married then the house is a joint marital asset. But it's very telling that you see it as yours and have it in your own name only.

If the sexes were reversed here, the responses would be totally different.

Would you say the same to a woman who was doing all the childcare including a 1 year old as a SAHP, also working 3 nights a week? Who had 1 evening a week to herself for her hobby? Whose husband had jointly racked up a big debt on credit cards but expected her to pay for it because it’s in her sole name? And then whose husband wanted to spend ££££s on a cosmetic procedure?

@YeahIsaidit I never called him lazy, I never commented on the debts. I said he should be supportive of his wife and football shouldn't come first.
For all we know the OP has saved her own fun money for this and she should be entitled to spend that how she chooses. Just like he gets to go to football weekly.
If he's not paying any bills then why shouldn't he be responsible for something financial. Its sounds proportionate to what he's bringing in.
He does evening work which means he will get unsocial pay. He may not bring In the same as OP but it doesn't mean he shouldn't have to pay anything at all.

He spends most of his days doing what he wants!

What he wants, with a one year old.

OP, please divorce this cocklodging cunt!

I’m so angry for you. How can you bear to look at his dickhead face?

Just like he gets to go to football weekly.

He's assistant coach at their son's team.

And for one partner to have "fun money" while jointly incurred debts remain unpaid, and the other partner has no access to "fun money" doesn't sound that reasonable. If the sexes were reversed it would be called out for what it is.

Yeah, I mean just like when women take maternity leave they just spend their time doing whatever they want! It's all just a jolly, isn't it?

(Sarcasm, in case that isn't obvious!)

You’ve clearly not read all the OPs updates.
He works 3 evenings and stays at home with 1 year old DS during the day and does school runs for the older 2
The cost of full time childcare for 1 and wrap round care for 2 is around £400 a week - that is what he’s bringing to the joint income. The debt which the OP talks about isn’t his debt, it’s a joint one. So should be paid off jointly. He also works 3 evenings a week, and yet the OP expects him to work more hours on top of a full day of childcare.
He’s not a cocklodger by any stretch of the imagination.

Just arrange for your mum to come. If he doesn't like it then tough.

Yeah- just like all those SAHMs who come on saying how unreasonable it is that they are expected to do a bit of housework, cooking etc- can't possibly be expected to manage that while they "wrangle" an active toddler and drown in a sea of school admin, horrendous school runs etc for the older ones. They regularly get told they are totally unreasonable, lazy cocklodgers etc, and that their hobbies should play second fiddle to whatever their other half wants to do.

OP - you obviously hold him in contempt, so you should go ahead and divorce him as you plan.

However, the house being in your name will be irrelevant because it is a marital asset. He is the primary carer of your children, and all assets and debts will be considered joint as the starting point.

You appear to think you could leave him penniless and homeless because you have been clever about whose name you put the debts/assets in, but that isn't how it would work. Thankfully.

I would love to know (genuinely) where you are getting a tummy tuck for 5k. All my quotes have been between 8k and 15k!!

Also, for those saying its a hygiene issue, no. My stomach is raw at times with mine. But I am sure for people with a normal stomach and no experience of having a horrible overhang there is no problem.

Either that or you just stink and don't realise it?

This is no way to live your one precious life. He is a horrible, controlling leech. Get rid of him, get your tummy tuck, and be free!!!

Thank goodness you have the opportunity to leave at the end of the month !
make sure you do, take the children of course and arrange childcare.

In the meantime as for him not being able to relax at home coz your mum is there - he is out anyway !!!

All this crap about ‘you gave him three kids’, ‘men expect us to put our bodies through hell to have kids’ blah blah. Stop kidding yourself. Most men would do without kids quite easily if given half the chance. You have kids for you and you only.

Leaving everything else aside, your thread title expecting him not to go to football is unreasonable. He's a coach - what happens to the session if he can't go? If he's signed up to be a coach he can't pick and choose when he goes. He's signed up to the commitment of being a coach on his son's team. Your appointment doesn't take priority over that imo.
Does it run over the holidays? If not, can you get an appointment on a Friday in the Easter holidays?

He should be fine with your mum coming though.

Although I agree with him that joint debts should come before a cosmetic procedure.

@Smartiepants79

how can he be right about the use of the money??

not every penny has to go on the kids! Op is a person too!