To expect DH to not go to football training?

[mrsfruitloop]

I have a tummy tuck consultation on Friday and DS has football training (DH is an assistant coach) all of the consultations are on a Friday so it means I will never be able to go. DH is refusing to miss any training days to allow me to go to the consultation.

He won’t let my mum come and babysit the kids either as he doesn’t want her at our house apparently.

I feel like he is just doing to to stop me from going! He keeps saying it’s a waste of money and I should be spending it on the kids and our family not myself.

Won't let your mum stay
Won't let you go to your appointment
Won't look after his kid
Works part time
In debt and expects you to pay the debt off
You pay for everything

He's done a right number on you, OP. Get out while you can

I don’t want to stay in this relationship and I have the opportunity to leave end of this month. As the house I have brought is in my name only. But then I feel cruel because I’m putting him in a terrible situation.

I just want him to be the person he was when we first met all them years ago. He speaks to me and treats me like shit now.

So you are the breadwinner, the credit debts are his, and he 'refuses' to let your mum in the house to babysit your children when he's not there?

Yeah, you need to dump him. Seriously.

Also, from what you've said, your tummy tuck isn't really about vanity. My friend had a similar issue after her second pregnancy and it was physically really uncomfortable for her; she got a horrible red raw rash underneath the fold where it rubbed all the time, and she couldn't run or go for walks without being in real discomfort.

Pay for a babysitter.

Or for your mum to stay in a hotel nearby.

If you can afford a tummy tuck you can afford that.

I would say clearing joint debt takes precedence, as does getting your husband back to work.

But there is no reason you can’t go to the appointment, you have means and ways open to you and don’t need to be dependent on him.

Leave him if you don’t love or respect him anymore.

If you are married it doesn't matter that the house is in your name, it's equally his house. Unless there is some kind of pre-nup but even then it's hard to convince a judge that the parent who is doing the bulk of childcare should walk away with nothing.

Sounds like you need to get out asap. You also need some legal advice, urgently, to find out what he will be entitled to when you split. If you are married and the main earner, you are likely to have to pay him child maintenance, as it is possible he will claim to be the main carer, I don't know if that means he would have a right to stay in the house with the DC?

Obligations? What's obligatory about football?

Sounds like life is all about “what he wants”
Honestiy I’d get your mum to meet you to collect the kids abs then after consultation I’d go to my mums and stay the night and bring kids back in the morning. OR I’d stand my ground and say my num is staying simple !

Id also get rid of him first before a major op as he will be no support and you will need your mum for sure for recovery.
He is controlling , he is threatened by your mum and by your op. .

If you've committed to doing something, it's an obligation... How is that difficult to understand?

Due to your massive drip feed, you are going to continue to get lots of posters telling you he's a lazy twat because they haven't read your updates.

You may have told him he's welcome to do overtime or that he can get a full time job, but the fact of the matter is, while there is still a young child at home who he is saving childcare costs for, he is still contributing to the house hold.

In fact he is contributing more than some SAHM as he also works part time and is paying down JOINT debt.

So whether he's working or not, you've been massively unfair to portray him as a lazy waste of space with debt and a lot of the responses you get won't be based on the actual picture.

He does sound obstructive and I think you can tell him if he won't cancel football training, your mum will have to stay. But equally I find it hard to believe you can't find a different consultant that you couldn't see on a different day. But I do think he has a point about the debt and maybe the 2 of you need to sit down and have a proper discussion.

In all seriousness though, the level of smelling you describe sounds like it could be an infection so may be worth getting it checked.

If OP were to leave the DH he does most of the childcare and is PT, so it might not go her way.
I agree that if the debts are joint, you should pay the £5k towards clearing it.

I think you need to fully explain to him how important it is to you. Take it from that angle

I'm glad to read you want to leave this loser who is mooching off you. Have the tummy tuck. You absolutely should do something for yourself!

Tell him your mum is coming to stay so you can have your appointment. he can choose to suck it up or stay elsewhere. He sounds like a douche.

What were his debts from? If they are only his spending not family bills etc, then you have no obligation to pay the £5k toward them.

Ignore judgey commenters who say you shouldn’t prioritise a tummy tuck. If you have the money then do it. Your body and you know how you feel.

This. You're dripfeeding.

So DH is an assistant coach to a team, where DS plays, and is providing a service to a lot of other children too (for free?). Will training be cancelled for all the boys if DH is not there? Wouldn't there be a few weeks without training in the Easter hols anyway, could you get compromise there? But I agree that if you are paying interest on the debt, potentially a high rate of interest, it is crazy not to clear that first.

Yeah I am more on his side now and doesn't matter if house is in your name, it will be a marital asset unless there is documentation agreeing otherwise. Even then, he is the main carer for the children

He seems to have an incredibly relaxed lifestyle at your expense, so tell him he'll just have to suck up one evening not relaxing if he doesn't want to give up football for one day.

Are you sure there's nowhere closer or offering more convenient hours?

So this paints a somewhat different picture to the one you first presented.
Your DH is a SAHP who also works part time, whilst you go out to work (full time?).
You both acquired the debt, although it sounds like the credit card was in his name. And now you want to spend ££££s on a tummy tuck instead of paying off the joint debt?
You’re not ‘paying for everything’. He is working at home so you both save on childcare costs, whilst he also works 3 evenings a week.
The issue about him not wanting your DM to stay over is completely seperate.

@mrsfruitloop I’ve had 3 C-sections and been left with a horrible hanging over stomach which is disgusting it get’s smelly and makes me look funny in all my clothes. I refuse to live with it anymore! I’m in my late twenties I shouldn’t be living like this.

This was exactly my story!! I was early 40's having my tummy tuck. I lost more weight again after my last C-section. So the loose skin hung further down and got very red/sore/smelly in warmer weather. No clothes fitted properly as I'd have to go up at least 1 size to fit/hide the skin so were loose elsewhere.

Best thing I ever did was have the tuck. Mine was £12k. I also had to have a torn stomach muscle repaired and some lypo (for contouring).

I'm paying mine back (5 years) via financing I took from a company specialising in cosmetic surgery. The interest was way cheaper than I could get with my own bank. Maybe look into paying off the credit card then taking finance out on the op? Look at figures, interest rates etc, see what the best way to finance it is.

The first week was rough but after that it was fine.

OP said the debts are actually joint and he works part time to be able to provide childcare. I actually don't think he's being unreasonable here. The debts should take priority over cosmetic surgery.

OP, is he deliberately putting himself in main carer position so if you split you'll end up paying him maintenance and he'll get the kids? I think you need some good independent advice.
And try and change the balance at home so you can change that picture before you split.

So the marital home is in "your name only" (which is meaningless when you're married, but whatever), while the debts you both ran up are "his"?

And you work while he stays at home in the day to provide childcare, working part time in the evenings, but you describe that as you paying for everything?

Honestly, you do sound financially abusive.

@YeahIsaidit Agree. And given he is a coach, I assume there are a bunch of children who are relying on him fulfilling his obligation so that they can attend their football practice.