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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to not go to football training?

337 replies

mrsfruitloop · 04/03/2024 09:56

I have a tummy tuck consultation on Friday and DS has football training (DH is an assistant coach) all of the consultations are on a Friday so it means I will never be able to go. DH is refusing to miss any training days to allow me to go to the consultation.

He won’t let my mum come and babysit the kids either as he doesn’t want her at our house apparently.

I feel like he is just doing to to stop me from going! He keeps saying it’s a waste of money and I should be spending it on the kids and our family not myself.

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 04/03/2024 10:07

Tell him he either misses training or your mum stays. He should pick one.

if it makes him uncomfortable he can stay at his own family or friends, but he won’t be bullying you into paying debts.

Dozycuntlaters · 04/03/2024 10:08

And you are still with him because.............?

He sounds like an absolute arsehole. What is the point of him?

MistyBean · 04/03/2024 10:08

OP, is he controlling in other ways? Or is this perhaps a very misguided effort to stop you from having a surgery that he genuinely is worried about? If the latter then it may be possible to work through that, although ultimately it's your body and your decision. On the whole thing your post does concern me.... Why is he calling all the shots?

splatmouse · 04/03/2024 10:09

DustyLee123 · 04/03/2024 10:04

I’m going to assume that he’d be no help after the surgery either?

Absolutely this.

OP do you have a solid plan for when you're recovering from the op? Or even for while you're having it? Preferably one that doesn't rely on your husband because he's clearly not playing ball. He is being massively unreasonable.

Original poster
mrsfruitloop · 04/03/2024 10:09

He works 3 evenings and stays at home with 1 year old DS during the day and does school runs for the older 2.

The debt isn’t recent it’s from 2018-2020 so we both played a part of it. But the way I see it is if I’m paying for everything. The least you can do is pay the credit card.

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 04/03/2024 10:09

Why not just arrange your consultation for a different time anyway?

Is your money treated as joint money though because if so shouldn't debts be cleared before cosmetic surgery if the family budget doesn't allow it.

He doesn't want you to have risky non essential surgery and I suspect that's why he is being obstructive. I suspect there wouldn't be the same issues if the surgery was required for health purposes.

The issue around your mum is a different matter altogether but I suspect an excuse bearing in mind he doesn't agree with the surgery (and/or associated costs).

Original poster
mrsfruitloop · 04/03/2024 10:11

As I said I can’t change the date as surgeon only holds consultations on a Friday. DH said he will never cancel football training for something like that.

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 04/03/2024 10:12

Ah so not his debt but joint debts. I am afraid I tend to agree that those debts should perhaps be cleared before having non essential cosmetic surgery.

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 04/03/2024 10:12

mrsfruitloop · 04/03/2024 10:09

He works 3 evenings and stays at home with 1 year old DS during the day and does school runs for the older 2.

The debt isn’t recent it’s from 2018-2020 so we both played a part of it. But the way I see it is if I’m paying for everything. The least you can do is pay the credit card.

So he's a stay at home dad, working part time, paying off 10k of debt you both played a part in creating?

He shouldn't be banning your mum from the house, but he does have a point about the money tbh.

Spirallingdownwards · 04/03/2024 10:13

mrsfruitloop · 04/03/2024 10:11

As I said I can’t change the date as surgeon only holds consultations on a Friday. DH said he will never cancel football training for something like that.

Try a different consultant?

Scaffoldingisugly · 04/03/2024 10:14

Bigger picture imo...
He doesn't want you to have the op and feel better about yourself. A boost in your self esteem may open you eyes to him being a cunt.
Thus the potential to ltb..

Mix56 · 04/03/2024 10:15

Wow, thats a nice supportive husband you have there. Does he have any good points?

WaltzingWaters · 04/03/2024 10:15

mrsfruitloop · 04/03/2024 10:09

He works 3 evenings and stays at home with 1 year old DS during the day and does school runs for the older 2.

The debt isn’t recent it’s from 2018-2020 so we both played a part of it. But the way I see it is if I’m paying for everything. The least you can do is pay the credit card.

Ahh okay, not so bad then.

If your money is all joint then I do see that clearing debts/spending on family first would be preferable to a tummy tuck. But obviously not sure on your money situation and how long you’ve been saving up for a tummy tuck.

But obviously the choice here is he misses training for a day or is happy that your mum is able to come and look after the children, even if that means her staying a night, unless you can reschedule your appointment.

MistyBean · 04/03/2024 10:16

I might go against the grain here. On the whole I agree it's probably better to pay off family debt. However, if you can make surgery an affordable and manageable debt/cost then it might be ok to proceed with that. Does not having the surgery cause you significant self esteem and confidence issues? I had my teeth fixed for a few thousand and it did so much for my confidence, really transformative. We only have one life. But it seems your husband isn't willing to have any discussion about this.

toomanyleggings · 04/03/2024 10:17

He’s right not to agree with the surgery. I had it done and I wish my husband had been more opposed to it. Horrific recovery, muscle repair gave me permanent problems with my back. If you put weight on it goes on in weird places. Unless you’re an extreme weight loss patient with lots of loose skin I wouldn’t do it. I’ve had quite a few surgeries and it was hands down the most brutal.

ACynicalDad · 04/03/2024 10:18

Two things:

It looks like he doesn't work as it's better for you as a family than paying childcare and that the debt is joint, I'd pay that off first before debt spirals out of control, but he still sounds like a dick.

If you are going ahead, I have a hobby I do every week, occasionally I can't go, I put on my big boy pants and get over it. Given your mum would stay too he has a straight choice, a day off his hobby of his MIL staying.

But pay off the debt too, I earn more than my wife, we have dialled down spending to pay off home improvements and are delaying further work on the house until we have paid off the last lot, debt can spiral out of control, you don't know what will happen in your lives in the next year or two.

Blahblah34 · 04/03/2024 10:19

Well, I wouldn't spend 5K on plastic surgery whilst my husband had 10K in debt, if I had contributed to that debt.

RatatouillePie · 04/03/2024 10:23

If he doesn't agree with you having the tummy tuck done then fair enough he doesn't want to give up his football. Also, if he's assistant coach then he has responsibilities.

Either find somewhere else that does appointments NOT on a Friday, drive the kids to stay with your mum for the night, or pay for a hotel for your mum if she can't stay at the house.

Ellie1015 · 04/03/2024 10:24

I think the attitude of "i pay for everything he can at least pay the credit card" is very unfair as he is also saving the nursery and after school care costs as well as working part time.

His attitude of i wont ever cancel football is also very unfair.

If the debt is joint then it does seem very extravegant to pay for surgery he is not unreasonable to disagree with your choice especially if you have joint finances. If this is your own money you have saved and he has equal disposable income then you are quite right to spend how you like.

araiwa · 04/03/2024 10:24

Financially abusing a sahp is seemingly ok today

budgiegirl · 04/03/2024 10:26

*So he's a stay at home dad, working part time, paying off 10k of debt you both played a part in creating?

He shouldn't be banning your mum from the house, but he does have a point about the money tbh*

I agree, spending £5k on something like non-essential surgery should be a joint decision, especially if there's household debt to be paid, which should usually come first.

If this was the other way round, and a DH was wanting to pay £5k on something non-essential, while there was debt to be paid, everyone would be saying how selfish it was.

The only reason that I can see for prioritising the surgery over the debt is if it's causing you to have some mental health problems. Then perhaps the priorities would change, but either way, you're a team, and it's not fair for you to say 'Well, it's my money, I earned it'

Codlingmoths · 04/03/2024 10:27

ask him if he’d prefer you spend it on a divorce lawyer as you can see them any day of the week and you’ve found one for next week.

Oohhyeah · 04/03/2024 10:27

YABU for being with this prick.

Frumpitydoo · 04/03/2024 10:27

Well you married a cunt OP.

Original poster
mrsfruitloop · 04/03/2024 10:29

He isn’t being forced to stay at home he like his “freedom” I want to something for myself for once.

The main coach misses some training so there is no reason why can’t.

OP posts: