To expect DH to not go to football training?

[mrsfruitloop]

I have a tummy tuck consultation on Friday and DS has football training (DH is an assistant coach) all of the consultations are on a Friday so it means I will never be able to go. DH is refusing to miss any training days to allow me to go to the consultation.

He won’t let my mum come and babysit the kids either as he doesn’t want her at our house apparently.

I feel like he is just doing to to stop me from going! He keeps saying it’s a waste of money and I should be spending it on the kids and our family not myself.

How many threads have you seen on here with SAHMs giving out that their partners think they "do what they like all day" when they're taking care of household chores and young kids. Who can really do whatever they like with a one year old in tow? Until OP comes back and says that she returns each day to a shit hole and that DH has sat around gaming or whatever expecting her to do all the housework and cooking when she gets home, I'm inclined to think that she's doing her best to frame DH as an unreasonable, lazy monster to skew the responses she gets on here and sadly it's working

I don't think that's entirely accurate and generally there is more nuance than this depending on the age of the children, and how many there are of them. I mean most would agree that a SAHM or SAHD should do the bulk of the work if they have a single school age child, but a 1 year old plus 2 other school age children, I think most people would suggest that the working parent make some contribution, with debate on where the allocation is fair.

If he does no work at home then no wonder she wants to get rid of him.

She’s be better off as a single mum with nursery and wraparound childcare.

Would you say the same of a SAHM? The dad works full time, and has every right to come home to a clean house with dinner on the table, doesn't he? Anything less he should throw her out?

Well to be fair I wouldn't think it funny if my husband got something expensive done (I don't know what, extend his hair line, bicep implants?? What do men do?) whilst we had family debt or a mortgage or whatever.. I wouldn't stop him from going by for example not taking the kids, that's childish. We'd have an adult conversation about it, about what is prudent in terms of finances. (Shocker, it's never spending unnecessarily while there is debt)
Secondly my husband would def not be working part time if we had debt. Unless he was the sahp that did all the childcare.

Wait sorry I just read your updates. So he's a stay at home parent, who watches your child saving you a fortune in childcare fees. This first and foremost. Secondly the debt is joint debt??? No one would tell a mom that works part time, looks after the kids that her husband is doing right by her to pay off their joint debt while he uses money to buy a yacht. Or that's she's lazy for working part time. Yeah sorry girl the fact that the family has debt should come first. Clear that and then do a tummy tuck.. Honestly it's decisions like these that makes me understand how the COL crisis is affecting even high earners.

No, but I would tell him to leave her if she did what she wanted all day, spoke to him like shit and treated him like shit, didn't want to get a full time job and also told him his mum could never visit.

If you're seriously wanting to leave him OP, you need to play a slightly longer game.

Sit down and say you think the baby is ready for nursery as it's so important for socialisation and get baby booked in.

Suggest he increases his hours, if he doesn't then you may have to bend over backwards for 6 months or so to make sure you do nursery drop offs and pick up, you're the school contact for illness pick ups etc.

Then when you leave him he won't be the primary carer for the children.

The thing about SAHM/SAHD is that it should be a family decision that is for the benefit of the family as a whole, not just something that one person unilaterally decides (regardless of the sex of the person staying at home).

Very good advice.

I agree about him treating her badly, although we have yet to hear specifics from OP. Not that I don't believe her, but the changing stories and mudslinging don't indicate the most reliable of narrators. And we're talking about MIL staying overnight here, not just visiting. Personally I'd be grateful for her help and be keen to have her onboard, but she may well be a nightmare IRL and many people have a blind spot with their own parents who can do no wrong, while the in-laws are a combination of Saddam Hussain and Adolf Hitler reincarnated.

But as he cares for a 1 year old full time, I can't see how he can do what he wants all day, unless all he wants to do is to constantly feed, nappy change, play with, comfort, bath and nap a 1 year old. That on its own is pretty full on, and that's without school runs and part time work. If that's his thing, then maybe he is getting a great deal, but from experience, its a true fucking graft.

We don't know what level his job is, and "get a full time job" isn't the easy answer it sounds. Unless he earns at least 35k from it, they are probably better off with one of them being a full time SAHP, given that 1 childcare place alone, without the wraparound for the older two might exceed £18k p.a. If he can earn a significant wage, and they would be better off financially as a result of him working, their is perhaps a conversation to be had here. To what extent is it better for him to look after the baby and children rather than using childcare? Where is the financial crossover? What is his motivation? Its all things to discuss for OP and her husband.

But to dismiss him as lazy, and that he should get a job without knowing the exact details of the conversations and motivations is unfair to him.

Would you have the money for this tummy tuck if your children had been in full-time childcare?

I think you need to be careful if you think you're going to be able to walk away with the house, the children and no debts. It sounds like he is the primary carer, which means court might favour him in a custody battle and division of marital assets.

Read the thread and have a think about what you are.

I did read the thread. If the genders were reversed people would be saying it’s abuse. Just because the OP is a woman doesn’t mean she’s a saint. Sometimes we have to apply a bit of critical thinking and acknowledge one persons side of the story is not, and never will be, the full truth. In reality it sounds like the husband has more of carers role whilst still working part time. The OP sees joint marital assets as just hers, but joint debts as just his - but has admitted that the debts are joint. The sexism on this site is outstanding sometimes. Yes, sympathies to the OP for her body image issues but we all know you’d reply much differently if the OP were the man .

Apart from dogs.

He sounds absolutely appalling. He simply cannot say these things about your Mum. It's your house too and she can come whenever she likes!

Could the clinic move your appointments to another day? I'm not saying you should have to compromise for him though. He clearly doesn't want you to spend the money on this. Could it be based on genuine concern, as in you don't 'need' it, he's worried about complications? I doubt it by the sounds of it.

I'd be absolutely livid to be honest.

@BobbyBiscuits livid because he would rather the money go towards joint debts being prioritised for the families sake rather then having a tummy tuck?

yes the mum situation isn’t on! But I also don’t see why she has to stay the night if it’s only an hours drive home🫤 as for the financial side of things.. OP should certainly be prioritising the joint debt rather then this surgery, she could communicate through the NHS regarding the issues she’s experiencing, to me she doesn’t sound like she’s very compromising and the amount of sexism on here is vile.. if this was a man, he’d be told no way and to put his family first.. why is this different exactly?

honestly..

@CrazyHedgehogLover I'd say more livid for his unyieldingness, without fully communicating with her about it properly. I don't condone tummy tucks and the like, unless medically necessary, as I think they are not that effective for keeping weight off.
But if there's an issue it should be discussed. And why does he think he can be vile about her Mum?

@CrazyHedgehogLover

why can’t she stay the night if she would prefer?

@BobbyBiscuits

tummy tucks are great for women who are of healthy weight and exercise and diet hasn’t improved the appearance of their stomach. How can you not someone that?

@LuckySantangelo35 I simply said him not letting her come round etc isn’t on☺️ all I said was if it’s only an hour for her to get home.. why that isn’t an option? If this was a woman posting that she “doesn’t want her MIL to sleep over” then everyone would agree and tell the OP to say absolutely not! I don’t see why it’s any different just because OPs husband doesn’t want her to stay over?

maybe he’s questioning why if it only takes an hour for her to get home why there needs to be an extra person in the house when he will be home with the children at that point?

people are allowed to have different opinions, like I said I agree he’s being a dick over the attitude towards his MIL but it’s certainly not uncommon to feel slightly uncomfortable by having someone staying over when it’s not necessary 🤷‍♀️..

@LuckySantangelo35 your absolutely right! They are great.. for people who don’t have joint debts already that need prioritising first.. OP has said it is joint debt, OPs husband feels this should be prioritised over having this expensive surgery done.. I agree, family debt should certainly come first.. he also helps coach a football team that he has commitments to, OP could easily find a different consultant who charges roughly the same OR change the appointment.. to me it just sounds like she’s being stubborn and it’s all about what she wants.

@CrazyHedgehogLover

actually I wouldn’t be one of the people who say that a mother in law shouldn’t stay over

but then unlike a lot of mumsnetters I’m not one of those people who freak out about guests and having people stay overnight at my house cos that the sacred space of “just me and my little faaaaaamily”. If a family member is helping me out and would rather stay over than drive home then I’m more than happy with that

@CrazyHedgehogLover

why do the debts need prioritising though?

op’s mental health needs prioritising and that sounds like it’s being adversely affected by her body.

@CantDealwithChristmas

domesticated dogs of the kind you are talking about can’t survive without humans so it would be bye bye doggies 🤷‍♀️