Page 10 | To expect DH to not go to football training?

mrsfruitloop · 2024-03-04T09:56:43+00:00

I have a tummy tuck consultation on Friday and DS has football training (DH is an assistant coach) all of the consultations are on a Friday so it means I will never be able to go. DH is refusing to miss any training days to allow me to go to the consultation. He won’t let my mum come and babysit the kids either as he doesn’t want her at our house apparently. I feel like he is just doing to to stop me from going! He keeps saying it’s a waste of money and I should be spending it on the kids and our family not myself.

CrazyHedgehogLover · 04/03/2024 20:36

@Untethered far from a cocklodger when he’s working 3 nights a week AND doing majority of the childcare throughout the week.. women that work 3 days a week and do this to save on childcare MUST be fannylodgers then🤷‍♀️ because you know.. he’s literally doing what a lot of other women do? But yet he’s being ridiculed for it.. yes he’s wrong for how he seems to be with OPs mum.. but come on! He’s doing plenty to contribute to the household just like other women are and other stay at home dads aswell☺️

Untethered · 04/03/2024 20:39

CrazyHedgehogLover · 04/03/2024 20:36

@Untethered far from a cocklodger when he’s working 3 nights a week AND doing majority of the childcare throughout the week.. women that work 3 days a week and do this to save on childcare MUST be fannylodgers then🤷‍♀️ because you know.. he’s literally doing what a lot of other women do? But yet he’s being ridiculed for it.. yes he’s wrong for how he seems to be with OPs mum.. but come on! He’s doing plenty to contribute to the household just like other women are and other stay at home dads aswell☺️

It’s 3 evenings not 3 nights and it doesn’t sound like a lot of childcare.

puzzledout · 04/03/2024 20:41

@Untethered never have I heard someone saying looking after a one year old is not a lot of childcare!

CrazyHedgehogLover · 04/03/2024 20:42

@Untethered again, plenty of women do this to save on childcare? They work part time hours while there children are younger.. OP clearly works full time as she’s the breadwinner.. he is doing a large proportion of the childcare.. are you ok? How does that not seem like he’s doing his fair share to contribute to the household.. he’s doing school drop offs & pick ups.. looking after a 1yr old a large proportion of the time.. and also works 3 evenings a week.. obviously he helps coach/do his hobby on the one day a week.. so how exactly does this not sound like much childcare🤔

if they were to both pay for this childcare you are looking at over £1000 a month.. think he’s doing plenty to help tbf!

CrazyHedgehogLover · 04/03/2024 20:43

@puzzledout i know right🤣🤣!!

GrumpyPanda · 04/03/2024 20:45

betterangels · 04/03/2024 14:18

And every penny be “faaaaaamily money”?

That's usually the consensus, yes.

His money isn't though...

puzzledout · 04/03/2024 20:47

@GrumpyPanda his money is paying if their joint debt.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 04/03/2024 20:47

GrumpyPanda · 04/03/2024 20:45

His money isn't though...

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He's paying off family debts with his money, so in what way is he not using it for the family?

Untethered · 04/03/2024 20:48

CrazyHedgehogLover · 04/03/2024 20:42

@Untethered again, plenty of women do this to save on childcare? They work part time hours while there children are younger.. OP clearly works full time as she’s the breadwinner.. he is doing a large proportion of the childcare.. are you ok? How does that not seem like he’s doing his fair share to contribute to the household.. he’s doing school drop offs & pick ups.. looking after a 1yr old a large proportion of the time.. and also works 3 evenings a week.. obviously he helps coach/do his hobby on the one day a week.. so how exactly does this not sound like much childcare🤔

if they were to both pay for this childcare you are looking at over £1000 a month.. think he’s doing plenty to help tbf!

Yes, I’m fine, are you ok?

If he was a good SAHD OP wouldn’t want him to go back to work and for dc to go to nursery. She’s not happy in the relationship. Read between the lines, not everything is black and white.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 04/03/2024 20:49

The OP told an outright lie in one of her earlier posts (claiming that the debt was her DH's), and that lie has coloured the whole tone of the discussion even though she's since admitted the truth.

Lucytheloose · 04/03/2024 20:51

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/03/2024 14:17

@betterangels

well it is quite selfless cos if no woman did have kids the human race would die out

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Well, that is going to happen anyway, sooner or later. Does it matter?

puzzledout · 04/03/2024 20:52

@Untethered he doesn't seem happy in the relationship either, he's hit a payment plan in his name that he's still paying back years later and she wants the spend £££££ on something he feels unnecessary?

Why do you say you do t think he's going a lot of childcare? When he's got a one year old full time?

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/03/2024 20:52

GrumpyPanda · 04/03/2024 20:45

His money isn't though...

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@betterangels

no it isn’t.

plenty of couples have separate bank accounts, their own money etc.

Lucytheloose · 04/03/2024 20:53

YeahIsaidit · 04/03/2024 11:59

If you've committed to doing something, it's an obligation... How is that difficult to understand?

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Twaddle. People back out of self-imposed obligations all the time, some of them a lot more important than a bloody game.

GrumpyPanda · 04/03/2024 20:55

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 04/03/2024 16:32

The OP's attitude on this thread has been one of "the marital assets are mine, the marital debts are his, and he's a useless waster who does what he wants all day" (yeah, while looking after a 1yo, then working in the evenings). She clearly holds him in contempt, and she has actually lied about the debts, pretending they were only his responsibility.

The OP's DH is contributing to the family in two ways - by providing childcare that would otherwise cost a lot of money, and by bringing in a part time income. That contribution is easily the equivalent of a full time job!

If she has £5k to spend, it is valid to ask why she gets access to that kind of disposable income while he's struggling to pay off a debt that they both ran up. Letting your partner struggle financially while you are able to save is normally called financial abuse.

In most cases MN says that all income should be pooled, then whatever is left after bills/debts are paid gets split 50/50. Why isn't that applicable here?

Edited

You overlook that the DH's income doesnt go into the family pot so it's a giant stretch to call it a contribution - he's keeping it all to himself. Funny kind of financial abuse.

As to the childcare he "provides", at the risk of sounding like a broken record isn't that for both parents to decide? OP has stated she'd prefer to pay to put DC in childcare.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 04/03/2024 20:56

People back out of self-imposed obligations all the time, some of them a lot more important than a bloody game.

To be fair, it's not about how important football is. It's a commitment to coach a children's sports team. What is the impact if he doesn't go? It's not a kick about with some friends at the park where it doesn't matter if it's a few different people week to week.

puzzledout · 04/03/2024 20:58

@GrumpyPanda he is paying off debt that is joint, why won't you acknowledge that? It's in a payment plan. So indicated it's an issue. Can you imagine the interest on that?

So rather than save interest on a debt, you think that OP should use family money on her own wants?

Soontobe60 · 04/03/2024 20:58

ILoveSalmonSpread · 04/03/2024 17:19

OP I'm going to be honest and say that Ive only read your posts.

Right now, a tummy tuck is the least of your concerns. It can wait a bit longer but what you need to do is end this non-relationship.
He is controlling you and doesn't want you to look/feel great about yourself .

Oh, and he is financially abusing you.
You shouldn't be paying off his debts and he shouldn't be working the minimum that he can get away with while you're fully subsidising the whole family.

As MN often says, get your ducks in a row and kick him out.
Please also see a solicitor.

You'll get your tummy tuck one day... you really will.

Oh dear… the OP confirmed that the debts were shared debts, so she had an input into incurring them. DH provides childcare to the tune of around £400 a week plus works 3 nights on top, and has 1 night where he coaches his son’s football team, so presumably his 1 night off isn’t really a night off as his ds is with him. She isn’t ‘subsidising the whole family’. His financial contribution is very significant. Even on minimum wage working 5 hours a night x 3 nights, he’d be earning £200 a week, so in effect his contribution is £500 a week at least. I imagine he also has the school aged children in the school holidays, thus contributing even more to the family income.

Soontobe60 · 04/03/2024 21:00

You overlook that the DH's income doesnt go into the family pot so it's a giant stretch to call it a contribution - he's keeping it all to himself. Funny kind of financial abuse
The OP said that he is paying off the joint debt with his income. The debt she helped create.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 04/03/2024 21:02

GrumpyPanda · 04/03/2024 20:55

You overlook that the DH's income doesnt go into the family pot so it's a giant stretch to call it a contribution - he's keeping it all to himself. Funny kind of financial abuse.

As to the childcare he "provides", at the risk of sounding like a broken record isn't that for both parents to decide? OP has stated she'd prefer to pay to put DC in childcare.

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He is literally using his income to pay down a debt that the OP helped to run up. That debt is a family debt, so those payments are his contribution to the family pot.

toomuchfaff · 05/03/2024 08:23

Britpop123 · 04/03/2024 20:27

Did you not read the fkin thread?

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I commented on that particular update - which clearly stated "He has some debts about 10k in total he has it in payment plan. He thinks I should be putting 5k towards the debt instead."

Does this thread say joint debt? Reading on it became apparent they had joint debt - but THAT update insinuated it was his and his alone...

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 05/03/2024 10:58

toomuchfaff · 05/03/2024 08:23

I commented on that particular update - which clearly stated "He has some debts about 10k in total he has it in payment plan. He thinks I should be putting 5k towards the debt instead."

Does this thread say joint debt? Reading on it became apparent they had joint debt - but THAT update insinuated it was his and his alone...

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In a later post she admitted that they both ran up the debt. That post you quoted was a pretty blatant lie.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 05/03/2024 11:00

mrsfruitloop · 04/03/2024 10:09

He works 3 evenings and stays at home with 1 year old DS during the day and does school runs for the older 2.

The debt isn’t recent it’s from 2018-2020 so we both played a part of it. But the way I see it is if I’m paying for everything. The least you can do is pay the credit card.

Here it is. She admitted that "we both played a part of it".

The fact that the debt happens to be in his name is a technicality, nothing more.

It's pretty sneaky the way she has managed to get the family asset in her name, and the debt in his name tbh. And pretty sneaky that she tried to say it was his debt on this thread. That one lie has coloured the whole discussion.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 05/03/2024 11:03

Cue another poster coming on to say "How dare he expect you to pay off his debts!"...

Caroparo52 · 05/03/2024 11:57

mrsfruitloop · 04/03/2024 10:04

So I am the main breadwinner and he works part time. He has some debts about 10k in total he has it in payment plan. He thinks I should be putting 5k towards the debt instead.

Here it is op.
You're financially sound. He's not.
Lots wrong in the dynamic of him calling the shots and maybe jealousy?