To expect DH to not go to football training?

[mrsfruitloop]

I have a tummy tuck consultation on Friday and DS has football training (DH is an assistant coach) all of the consultations are on a Friday so it means I will never be able to go. DH is refusing to miss any training days to allow me to go to the consultation.

He won’t let my mum come and babysit the kids either as he doesn’t want her at our house apparently.

I feel like he is just doing to to stop me from going! He keeps saying it’s a waste of money and I should be spending it on the kids and our family not myself.

Here's an idea, OP get your own credit card in your name and pay for your surgery using that. DH won't have to worry about "his debt" not being paid and you can worry about your own

Like I said I’m my post , I read only the OP’s posts.
I didn’t want to get waylaid or influenced by other posters on this issue.

Even with all OP's updates

It isn't aesthetic only surgery, but matter of health and ability to live active life on the OP's side.

Him blocking all ways to get to the consultation is manipulative.
It was stated that the main coach sometimes misses the session, so DH can as well.

He prefers not to work more (instead of being home with DC) and his only financial responsibility is the credit card.

I agree that the OP needs to take a legal advice before potentially splitting to not end up terribly surprised.

Huge double standards on this thread. He is a waste of space while working part time and being a sahp apparently?

Countless threads where a poster is a sahm without also working part time and they are told they are contributing to their household and their partners should be grateful.

I'm not surprised he doesn't want to give up football coaching- between looking after a 1 year old and working 3 evenings a week, it doesn't sound like he has much down time.

Now the partner may well be choosing to look after his child so he doesn't have to find a full time job. But right now, no one can legitimately call him a waste of space while he is saving the household child care fees.

Yep, and it is not a blanket approval from me - depends on family financial circumstances. So I am not going to answer for the general MN view on SAHM.

But you failed to notice that the debts aren't actually his? They were run up jointly by the OP and her DH, which she states in a later post.

The way the OP has set the thread up I wouldn't be at all surprised if it was fake so that people can point at MN and say - Look what man-haters they are!!

It's that blatant.

So you read the bit about the debt being a joint debt and not solely his? And you still think it's her being financially abused?

Not the point but I know people that have had recent tummy tucks and they have been between £7.5 and £10k so £5k seems cheap if that's inclusive of everything.

@YeahIsaidit

ops scar sounds worse than most women’s. She has had three c sections.

anyway why should op care what other women do? It’s her life and her body, it’s making her miserable so her husband should be supporting her. The debt can wait.

You think it's OK to support someone spending money they can't afford because they don't like their mum tum? Bloody hell

@YeahIsaidit

basically yes.

a) no one is going to starve if op gets the surgery. It just means they won’t be able to pay the debts off yet.

B) it’s sounds more severe than a “mum tum”

c) women don’t have to just put up with these things anymore. A c section overhang, stress incontinence etc - women have been told for years that’s it’s all part and parcel of having a baby so they have to just put up it, and do it with a smile on their face because afterall ‘it’s sooooo worth it to be a mummy!!” But women are just not having that kind of shit anymore. Women still matter even when they become mothers.

He wants your money to pay off HIS debt? He has no right to expect that. I hope you treated that suggestion with the contempt it deserves.

He can’t stop you having your mum to stay for one night either. He won’t even be there for the evening. If he can’t sleep in the same house as his harmless MIL for one night, the MIL who is helping her daughter because he won’t, it’s time he grew up. You don’t have to submit to his will like an Amish wife ffs.

Its their joint debt in his name(while op has their joint asset in her name)

He is a SAHD and op is the breadwinner, he works part time hours around the kids and op expects him to pay the 10k singlehandedly while she goes and spends thousands on optional surgery.

He's an arsehole about not letting the mum stay over, but is completely reasonable about the money.

This

I agree with you in spades. What a frustrating thread.

But men’s bodies will never be affected by childbirth in the way women’s are!

so all this “oooh what if the sexes were reversed” is nonsense - because they can’t be!

hahahahahahaha

so he thinks you should put your 5k towards his debt?

did you not laugh him out the fkin door?

It's not a proper SAHP arrangement if both partners didn't agree to it.

Double standards on this thread is unbelievable, if this was a man saying he wanted to have a cosmetic procedure and land his wife with “her debt” which is actually JOINT DEBT.. he would be called financially abusive and we all know it!

yes OP should eventually have the procedure done, but if it’s as bad as what she has described.. surely speaking with a doctor and requesting information on cosmetic procedures being carried out through the NHS would be the most sensible option? My mums friend had to have a boob reduction due to having similar issues (smell, caused back pain etc) she literally had about a year and a half wait?.. so why hasn’t OP asked about this?

OPs husband certainly sounds like he does his fair share tbh! Makes me laugh the amount of women on here going “he’s a lazy cunt! What a dickhead! Bla bla bla” does that mean SAHMs are lazy cunts then?

the debt is joint, therefore you can’t expect to go and spend 5k on yourself and expect the other person to pick up the shortfall because you want to have something for yourself.. in time yes you can do that, but not when your expecting someone else to deal with it!

the house is in your name (as PPs have mentioned this doesn’t matter, he will be entitled to a fair share and also he is classed as the main caregiver for the children) childcare is certainly not easy to come across (I can’t even get my 3yr olds early education hours because the nurseries have no space) so don’t bank on a family court going “yes we’ll place them with mum and she can find childcare” from experience they will go with what’s best for the children, if OPs husband is working his work around the children, working part time and also does majority of the care.. they won’t upset the children’s routine from this as it’s what they know and it wouldn’t be in there best interests when a parent is there able to have them.

so OP, making out he’s a waste of space isn’t going well for you.. clear the joint debt that you have BOTH racked up.. don’t just assume “ah well because it’s in his name it doesn’t matter “ because that is financial abuse and if this was a man saying “I’m not paying the joint debt because I want a cosmetic procedure done” he would be being called all the names under the sun and financially abusive.. I don’t see how this is any different 🤷‍♀️

@toomuchfaff did you not read the thread that actually it’s OPs debt aswell? It’s JOINT debt🤔 not just his debt…..

Did you not read the fkin thread?

And lots of women choose to stay at home when they have a one year old too. You have reversed the traditional roles. And you want to spend family money on cosmetic surgery whilst the lower earners struggles with debts!

You are married, these are joint debts, of course you should be tackling these together and prioritising over non essential surgery. If the sexes were the other way around the shouts of financial abuse would be deafening. You even seem to think you have point scored by putting the house in your name, well it is a shared marital asset no matter whose name it is in.

Your husband has no right to tell your mother she cannot visit. But I don't think he is wrong on prioritising debt repayment.

I still think he’s a cocklodger.

Working 3 evenings to avoid a full time job is prime cocklodging territory.

Ermmm... the other partner works three shifts at no doubt lavish night rates out of which he spends zero, squat, nada on his family. ALL his money is "fun money."

And he's not a SAHD if both partners didn't voluntarily agree to this setup. Same as women in the same situation regularly get told on here - they can't just unilaterally decide they'd like a SAHM existence at the expense of an unwilling partner.

OP that said I agree you're quite vulnerable here. At a minimum, make sure youngest is in nursery before taking any steps about your marriage.