Just told DH I will Divorce him over a fucking wedding Part two

[KeenHiker]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5018658-just-told-dh-i-will-divorce-him-over-a-fucking-wedding

I can’t believe the responses that I had.

Essentially I am going to that wedding so it won’t backfire on me and then as people have suggested reassess when everything has calmed down after Easter.

I am never going to look at MiL in the same light as she clearly thinks my daughter is an impediment to her own granddaughter.

I wasn’t connecting the bloodline trusts to the wedding. The wedding issue was resolved, was it not?

Presumably they didn’t invite her because they want a very small wedding. I doubt they did it maliciously, but rather really didn’t consider it a big deal considering that other steps/in laws/family members/friends also weren’t invited. Once they were told of the trouble it was causing the extended an invite.

I wasn’t connecting the bloodline trusts to the wedding. The wedding issue was resolved, was it not?

Not really. An invitation was issued but OP feels it's under sufferance and the harm has been done.

Presumably they didn’t invite her because they want a very small wedding.

We don't know that.

I doubt they did it maliciously, but rather really didn’t consider it a big deal considering that other steps/in laws/family members/friends also weren’t invited.

Very breezy but plenty of posters feel it was an extraordinary thing to to do to one child out of a family. And that it bears no equivalence to not inviting other adults.

Once they were told of the trouble it was causing the extended an invite.

Too little too late for OP's feelings.

Once they were told of the trouble it was causing the extended an invite.

OP was portrayed as a hysterical trouble-maker for being upset about it in the first place. OP's husband did nothing to back her up in the situation, perpetuating the idea that her daughter isn't important. They didn't consider it a big deal because they don't consider OP's daughter's feelings. A 10-year old child who is no more at fault for the lack of contact with her paternal family than they are.

Who said they’re blaming her? I imagine they don’t think about it in terms of blame at all, or in any terms really. Whether she sees her paternal family or not is nothing to do with them.

I also imagine they’re considering OP as they are because that is indeed their perspective on it, based on their own experiences. You’re assuming they should naturally have known it would cause deep upset, when it may very easily just never have occurred to them that it would.

If, in their previous experience of blended families, they have seen exactly this done and it create no issues, why would they think OP would respond differently? Hell, a stepdaughter not being invited wasn’t a problem for the bride’s sister, why would it be for the husband’s brother? In my own life, I’ve never seen any of the blended families I personally know follow the ‘take them on as your own’ ethos, so those that do seem weird to me, just as the opposite seems weird to you.

The problem here is of different perspectives:

OP sees two daughters, both hers and both equal in her eyes.
The DH sees his daughter and a stepdaughter (of whom he is fond, but doesn’t see as “his own”)
The MIL and FIL see their granddaughter and the OP’s older daughter (to whom they are kind, but don’t see as “family”).

And none of it is right or wrong in any objective sense (aside from not inviting a ten year old who lives with a family all the time to a wedding - that was bloody awful and totally thoughtless. Although it begs the question of why, if BIL and the DH are so close, that he didn’t seem to know that the older DD lived with him). While it’s really heartening to hear of families who accept all comers, some people set far more store by “blood” and “biology” than others. So it’s a bit of a minefield. And I really do feel for the OP, as she’s in the frontline trying to navigate it all. Honestly - probably a few very open and honest conversation about how to move forward would be good at this point, then everyone can understand where everyone else stands and try to make the best of it for the ten year old girl caught in the middle of it all.

Totally agree with you @WimpoleHat .

There's a mismatch of perspectives and the awful wedding incident has brought it to the fore.

"I personally know follow the ‘take them on as your own’ ethos, so those that do seem weird to me, just as the opposite seems weird to you."

Sorry but that position just isn't good enough for internet debate. Accepting that other people might have views that are different to you but equally as valid is a big no no. You have to be hurling insults at people who don't see the world the same way as you do. Time to up your game.

Look, at the end of the day, ;your decision relies on whether your DH is supporting you against his family. His parents will leave their money to whoever they want but if they make a big financial provision for their own blood g/k, your DH can contest the Will. Few people are aware how easy a Will can be contested in Court when there are grounds.

Money is only a side issue. You seriously need to focus on the basics - if your DH can't stand for you and your eldest daughter, you have a problem in your marriage. You should be a family unit......if deep in your gut, you feel you are not, that's your answer.

I didn't say that they are blaming her for it, but the fact that the girl has no contact with her paternal family not being the fault of the husband and in-laws has been used many times on this thread as a reason to justify the excluding and othering behaviour towards her. Well, it's not the girl's fault either, so I don't see why that means they get a free pass on openly demonstrating such little regard for her feelings.

If, in their previous experience of blended families, they have seen exactly this done and it create no issues, why would they think OP would respond differently?

Maybe because they know OP and they know the girl, and have done for at least 5-6 years? Are they really so clueless about the way they perceive themselves as part of the family? Maybe they are, but I think it's more likely that they are aware and just don't care.

It’s not being used as an ‘excuse’ for anything, it’s just stating the obvious. They’re not responsible for providing her with the family relationship Op wants them to, and that she has no paternal family isn’t something that has to be considered as anything but irrelevant.

These aren’t people that pay much attention to children at all, even if bought together at a family gathering. Why would she be someone they naturally consider? She’s the daughter of the wife of the groom’s brother, and someone they have minimal interaction with.

I think they perceive themselves as part of the family in the exact same way the majority of other members see them. Op is the outlier here in the context of this family/their social circle, that is very clear. She would be the outlier in mine, like I said - I would genuinely not naturally assume that someone would react in the way Op has, because that has never been something I’ve experienced. You seem to think OP’s perspective is one they should naturally just ‘get’, but why would they if that has never been their experience of blended families?

Their experience of blended families is this experience of blended families! The one they're all living in. I could understand your point if OP and her daughter had just recently arrived on the scene, but they've been spending time together for years! The Easter egg misunderstanding happened three years ago - it was justifiable then as it was the first time they'd met SIL. Three years later and they're all none the wiser about OP's family dynamic? They may not spend much time together, but can they really all be so clueless?

No, it isn’t? The bride’s sister also has a stepchild, and her family set up isn’t like OP’s. You have no idea how many more members of their families and friends are also in blended families. OP may indeed be the first person they’ve ever encountered that holds the views that she does. The fact that they all seem surprised and are wondering what the fuss is about would suggest this is a new one on them. I don’t understand why this is so hard to comprehend tbh. Okay, it’s not what you’re familiar with, but then what you are familiar with is alien to me. That it isn’t my lived experience doesn’t mean your way isn’t entirely normal for you/your social circle, it’s just different.

Closeness isn’t dependent on how long OP has been on the scene. Again, this is a couple that pays very little attention to children at all, and while the groom has a good relationship with his brother, that doesn’t mean he considers OP to be anything other than his brother’s wife, in terms of the relationship they have. Someone he sees now and again he’s happy to have small talk with. His primary relationship is with his brother, and it doesn’t sound like his brother has presented OP’s daughter to be anything other than his stepdaughter and her eldest (and again, ‘stepchild’ doesn’t automatically mean ‘child that I consider my own’).

I would expect them to have learned something about OP and her daughter and the family dynamic she has with their family member over the years, but fine. Let's assume BIL and SIL genuinely had no idea that inviting three people out four who all live full-time under one roof, excluding only the 10-year old child, would cause any upset.

OP's biggest problem is her husband. Always has been. He either hasn't been clear with her or he hasn't been clear with his parents and brother about what stepchild means in their specific case (and again, the wills that were set up years ago do not automatically mean that she shouldn't expect eldest daughter to be included in any family events forever more).

Regarding the inheritance, things often shift significantly over time so suggest OP plays the long and reasonable game if she loves DH.

My late stepfather had no family of his own. He was wealthy and up until the last few years of his life, he intended to leave most of his money to charity and bequeath a modest amount to my siblings and I. in the end he left the modest amount ( still a lot) to charity and a
large inheritance to my siblings and I which further doubled when my mother passed away.

similarly as time, relationships and my financial situation have evolved Ive adjusted my will to be more generous than I originally planned to my SIL and adult step son leaving them a 50/50 share of a large house and grounds and a decent pot of money money ( enough to help fund uni or a house deposit) to my niece ( SIL,s child) and my stepson's blended family ( 2 biologically his and one not). They won't have any expectations and don't know how well off I am so should be v happy. My DH is splitting his estate between me, SiL, his son and my DD- DD will receive less as she'll inherit a lot from me. My DD will receive the bulk of my estate with most assets passing to my DH but in trust to DD when he dies. As I age I'll further evaluate my financial position and may increase their legacies

They didn’t though, did they? Some families/family members just don’t operate in that way. I doubt they thought about the particular family dynamics at play, or what leaving OP’s daughter would practically mean. They probably just saw it as ‘well, brother is best man, we can ask his kid to be flower girl same as bride’s niece. Obviously will invite his wife as well…okay perfect, and that keeps the numbers down too!’ before promptly moving onto the next thing they had to get sorted.

If that has been your experience of what is normal when it comes to blended families (and we know it’s not considered a problem by the bride’s sister’s family) then there’s no reason why it would occur to you that it would cause upset.

My perspective on the situation between OP and her DH is different to yours, as we know. It isn’t just the will, although that does indeed demonstrate that he differentiated between them (and differentiates, because he’s made no move to change it), but also his lack of interest in adopting her, and the ready acceptance of his parents not considering her a grandchild. Those things combined do paint a picture imo.

These aren’t people that pay much attention to children at all, even if bought together at a family gathering. Why would she be someone they naturally consider? She’s the daughter of the wife of the groom’s brother, and someone they have minimal interaction with.

This old chestnut again. You can string it out all you like but she's the best man's full time
step daughter .And she's 10.

No wonder OP was shocked.

They didn’t though, did they? Some families/family members just don’t operate in that way. I doubt they thought about the particular family dynamics at play, or what leaving OP’s daughter would practically mean. They probably just saw it as ‘well, brother is best man, we can ask his kid to be flower girl same as bride’s niece. Obviously will invite his wife as well…okay perfect, and that keeps the numbers down too!’ before promptly moving onto the next thing they had to get sorted.

The actual mental gymnastics and narrative to create a scenario where a full time child member of the best man's family is the only one to be left out of a family invitation is hilarious.

I totally understand that some families might cultivate an offhand attitude to blended step children. So be it.

But this is just rude and thoughtless.

And I think OP's strength of feeling shows that.

and this old chestnut again.

I get it, you don’t agree, you think any perspective other than your own is nonsense, and that people are lying if they say they don’t see what the OP’s problem is. That about cover it?

I get it, you don’t agree, you think any perspective other than your own is nonsense, and that people are lying if they say they don’t see what the OP’s problem is. That about cover it?

Nope

I don't think anyone " is lying ". I think they have a different opinion.

I think posters come on MN to debate stuff among other things.

Also that you can't handle disagreement.

@Surprisedbuthappy

The girl is not related to this - via biology or adoption, it could have been thought that she would go to her father’s on the day, that she would not be interested in going to a wedding of people she barely knows (as per OP’s assertion) and whom she is not related to.

Once OP’s problem with this was outlined an explanation was offered and invitation given.

I don’t think they have spoken about her as if she is a hindrance, only outlined that she would not be included in a photo with grandchildren surrounding a grandmother and the MIL has stated that she would like some 1:1 time with her actual grandchild.

The vastly different approach to her education is because DH is not financially responsible for her and because she doesn’t have the same inheritance as her sister.

She has two parents who are responsible for her, if they are failing in that responsibility then that is on them.

Where is the debate though? You’re not debating or accepting different perspectives, you’re dismissing anything you don’t like as ‘nonsense’.

@sunglassesonthetable

No essay writing - just outlining what is absolutely clear from reading OP’s posts.

If I had been in her situation of marrying into a wealthier family and wanting my offspring from elsewhere to be treated on a par with future offspring. I would have sought legal assurance of this, DH adopting my daughter and things not being so vague - this has happened with a relative of mine where the child has been adopted and now has the Dad’s name and equal advantage to siblings.

The will as stands, considering the DH’s much greater personal wealth and inheritance was a massive red flag that was missed.

It is really so unfortunate for OP that she was naive. But the situation is salvageable - if she is prepared to pay for her daughters education (meaning the cost of education is 50:50) and make sacrifices I think it’s likely the DH will support her more with everyday essentials enabling it.

Regards the inheritance and the family not wanting to see the child as their kin, not much she or DH can do, even if adopting her, it’s so late in the day now they are unlikely to form a close bond with her. If done 6yrs ago then it would have been better. Anyway I wish her all the best with it all.

I understand that you think that. You still haven't explained to me* why OP* should have known and expected all of that because five years ago some wills were set up which did not name her eldest daughter as a beneficiary.

*The girl is not related to this - via biology or adoption, it could have been thought that she would go to her father’s on the day, that she would not be interested in going to a wedding of people she barely knows (as per OP’s assertion) and whom she is not related to.

Once OP’s problem with this was outlined an explanation was offered and invitation given.

I don’t think they have spoken about her as if she is a hindrance, only outlined that she would not be included in a photo with grandchildren surrounding a grandmother and the MIL has stated that she would like some 1:1 time with her actual grandchild.

The vastly different approach to her education is because DH is not financially responsible for her and because she doesn’t have the same inheritance as her sister.

She has two parents who are responsible for her, if they are failing in that responsibility then that is on them.*

The wills are totally reasonable given the blended family situation.

The wedding invitation was thoughtless and unkind and the catalyst for this whole thing. Amends have been made but the hurt is done. ( and imho frankly weird )

This has highlighted the gulf in expectation between DH and OP. This is the problem and why OP is distraught.

Just as DH has every right to his expectations so has OP to hers.

@Surprisedbuthappy

DH is inheriting a tonne from his family. He also has a house plus half of their current home.

Contrastingly, the biological father has less to leave and OP has lesser inheritance, a flat, and half of their current home.

OP was entirely aware that there would be disparity of provision for the two girls - she stated that she knew this would be the case but deemed it would become apparent far into the future when the girls were adults and that hopefully DD1 would not be aware of DD2’s wealth…..

She knew.

And she was ok about it because she thought reality would dawn at a point where conflict between the girls would not be her problem to resolve.