Just told DH I will Divorce him over a fucking wedding Part two

[KeenHiker]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5018658-just-told-dh-i-will-divorce-him-over-a-fucking-wedding

I can’t believe the responses that I had.

Essentially I am going to that wedding so it won’t backfire on me and then as people have suggested reassess when everything has calmed down after Easter.

I am never going to look at MiL in the same light as she clearly thinks my daughter is an impediment to her own granddaughter.

Yes. She'll do much better being brought up by just her mother. She won't be at all disadvantaged at no longer being the stepdaughter of a man who has treated her well for years. I'm sure she won't be upset at seeing her sister go off to have good times with other family. She won't feel rejected at all.

I think the OP should leave too. I think this may be the start of that. The "I'll fucking divorce you DH" was a foolish move, because she's now seen that he's going to act that way to his child regardless of her tantrums, but now she's sown the seed that if he does, the marriage is over.

It's hilarious that you think you're the chess player and not the pigeon in this metaphor!

Are you genuinely not able to see why the four adults who do not live with the bride's sister, the baby of one of these couples, and the 14-year old who couldn't give a damn are completely different from the 10-year old who does live full-time with the groom's father?

It's not about them being the same non-relation. It's about how it feels to a 10-year old child when three out of the four people in her house get all dressed up and go off to a wedding and leave her at home!

Your lack of understanding, despite what is written, and subsequent non points are quite something. It's like the playing chess with pigeons adage.

Be as rude as you like.

It's what OP has said that counts. And pages of speculation do not. So it's easy to see.

And much as you like to say "OP knew this and OP knew that" it's actually just you speculating. She has never expressed being aware of any of it.

Except as per her quote, that the wills already existed as they did.

I didn't have any Eureka moment. I just read back and realised no other children were left out as you had said.

But " details " " too many pages"

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn

Then maybe don't set up home with someone who doesn't see the child as their own, and have similar expectations of his extended family who definitely don't, then wail on your child's behalf that they aren't seen as such.

She put her child into this. And now is complaining her child is upset. I think it must be utterly shit for the eldest DD but my opinion is irrelevant because the fact of the matter is she can't force unrelated people to treat her unrelated child like a relative. And then she went on and had a child who is their relative via the father and seems to think this should change their decision about the eldest. If youngest DD didn't exist, they'd be treating eldest DD no differently.

@sunglassesonthetable and all the trifles on the dessert cart.

Excerpts from OP’s posts:-

“All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.”

The DH has had to step up because the person who he views as having parental responsibility is a ballbag. Not out of all the willingness in his heart.

“He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his.”

DH is a good man and has treated the girls the same for every day needs; the difference wouldn’t be apparent to an outsider looking at them as a family.

“Youngest will inherit from DH and both daughters will inherit from me.”

Legally DH does not accept that the elder girl is his daughter, nor that he is financially responsible for her when it comes to big commitments. OP was in agreement with this legal arrangement.

“He just seems to accept that eldest isn’t related to his brother.”

DH does not see DD1 as part of his family.

Re: youngest being asked to be flower girl. Husband knew she was going to be asked beforehand and thought it would be a nice surprise.
^^DH does not see DD1 as part of his family.

He doesn’t see why his brother would want her there as she isn’t his niece.

DH does not see DD1 as part of his family.

“Husband has used this opportunity to tell me that youngest is going to be hugely at a financial advantage in the future because of inheritance from his side of the family. This goes beyond the savings account the in-laws have for her.
He also talked about my youngest’s secondary school insisting that she will go to a private school which he is happy to pay for.”

DH does not see DD1 as part of his family.

Legally DH does not accept that the elder girl is his daughter, nor that he is financially responsible for her when it comes to big commitments. OP was in agreement with this legal arrangement

The person who he views as having parental responsibility is a ballbag.

“He maintains that he adores her and I genuinely can never see any difference in how he treats her but he is adamant that he can’t make his wider family feel the same and he thinks they’ve been gracious including her in a wedding.”

DH has treated DD1 well on a par with her sister in terms of parenting and day to day costs. But he absolutely doesn’t think she is part of his family.

“All I have ever wanted was that my DH treated my eldest well and on a par with any children we had together”

This is the key quote from OP - it affirms very clearly that SHE longs for a scenario where her eldest is treated exactly the same in all respects as any joint children. However, legally her DH has made it very clear from the beginning that this will not be happening, it isn’t what he wants to do, and he perceives DD1’s father of failing in his responsibility and himself as stepping up as a Good Samaritan.

“I never expected him to leave her equal amounts in his will or for his family to leave her an inheritance, I think the fact that we have had wills for five years proves this.”

OP accepted 5 years ago DH’s and his family’s position.

“He maintains that he loves her but can’t make others treat her the same.”

DH does not see DD1 as part of his family.

“Adoption was never discussed”

DH does not see DD1 as part of his family and there was never any indication of him instigating a more secure situation for DD1.

“I have never ever expected my in-laws to leave an inheritance to my daughter”

OP has long accepted the situation and that they will not be treating DD1 as a granddaughter.

“What I did expect that the inevitable disparity in their finances because I do accept that they have different fathers, would play out some decades in the future when they were mature and quite possibly my eldest would not necessarily have been privy to the youngest’s affairs.”

OP fully accepts the different parentage and thus different outcomes for the girls. She has had a long held expectation that her daughters would be treated differently. She was ok with this because she perceived any problems due to it would occur at the point of inheritance when they were in adulthood, not living in the same house as her and out of her hair…. She naively hoped DD1 would never know how imbalanced opportunity and provision was. Now she is going to have to handle potential problems and disparities upsetting the nice little life she has via marriage.

”I am upset that MiL sees her as an impediment to her own granddaughter and upset that she isn’t regarded as family”

Confirmation that DH and family do not see DD1 as family - already long known.

“In terms of financing the eldest he has done it without question or complaint.”

DH has stepped up as required to for everyday needs as this is what he is comfortable to do.

“He would pay fees for his own child… I do not believe that he would however, pay for two sets of school fees and I couldn’t pay for eldest without a massive compromise.”

Legally DH does not accept that the elder girl is his daughter, nor that he is financially responsible for her when it comes to big commitments. OP was in agreement with this legal arrangement. She doesn’t want to compromise anything in her lifestyle to provide the same opportunities for her elder daughter.

Thank you for your service.

You have more patience than me.

And we're back to berating OP for choices she made years ago. Whether she should have done this or should have done that is of no help to her now.

@Justkeeepswimming

DH is a good man and has treated the girls the same for every day needs; the difference wouldn’t be apparent to an outsider looking at them as a family.

Yet you think the difference should be apparent to the 10-year old girl who actually lives in that house?

Disagree. What these two threads, over 1500 posts, have shown is that by not accepting responsibility for her actions she's casting about irrelevantly blaming others, rather than casting about looking for solutions. These threads have been about "I'm going to divorce my DH!" and not "WWYD, my DDs are treated differently in the same home".

OP made choices, and her eldest DD (and potentially her youngest too) will pay the price. It's not a nice thing to hear, but it's the truth. You can't move forward to a meaningful solution if you start from a mistruth.

Did I miss where the OP said that DD1 sees him as her father and calls him dad?

Gaaaargh. @Justkeeepswimming pass the dessert cart.

@Surprisedbuthappy if I had a party, and I didn't invite Brian to it, and another day made a cake but didn't offer Brian a slice, avoided Brian if I saw him out and about, and told you Brian is not my favourite person, would you piece that information together and pretty easily conclude I don't like Brian. Or would you insist there's nothing to suggest that because I haven't declared to Brian's face that I don't like him. Would you feign complete surprise at the very idea Brian and I weren't the best of friends and by saying he wasn't my favourite person I could have technically meant he was my second favourite?

OP knew. It's a combination of sticking her head in the sand because it's a better life than before she married into the family, and thinking she'd hold enough clout as the mother of the little DD to change things later down the line.

Plus of course, all the actual stuff on @Justkeeepswimming post.

Well done @Justkeeepswimming

Translating OP's words aside, where does it say any version of

" She knew what she was signing up for"
" she knew her DH would not accept her DD as his own.
"She knew his family would not accept DD as their own"

As is REPEATEDLY claimed on here.

She doesn't.

OP already knew about the inheritance, they've had wills since the beginning.

🐦‍⬛♟️

OP knew. It's a combination of sticking her head in the sand because it's a better life than before she married into the family, and thinking she'd hold enough clout as the mother of the little DD to change things later down the line.

Pure speculation.

DH says he adores DSD, says he'd give her his heart. OP can't see any difference in how he treats her on the day to day. He says he loves her.

@sunglassesonthetable

If someone sees a child a their daughter or granddaughter they leave them an inheritance just like all the other children and grandchildren.

The line in the sand was drawn half a decade ago upon the birth of the shared child marking out the difference between the two girls.

Blatantly apparent and accepted by OP.

She is throwing the toys out because it is being made clear to her that
a) she can’t change this position over time as she might have hoped
b) she is going to have to deal with the fall out between the two girls in childhood and have it upset her family life NOW, not at some imaginary time point in the future

if I had a party, and I didn't invite Brian to it, and another day made a cake but didn't offer Brian a slice, avoided Brian if I saw him out and about, and told you Brian is not my favourite person, would you piece that information together and pretty easily conclude I don't like Brian. Or would you insist there's nothing to suggest that because I haven't declared to Brian's face that I don't like him. Would you feign complete surprise at the very idea Brian and I weren't the best of friends and by saying he wasn't my favourite person I could have technically meant he was my second favourite?

CONCLUDE doing a lot of heavy lifting here.

How did OP conclude all this stuff at the beginning of her relationship? You know, when "she signed up " ?

As she said all she ever asked for was that her children were treated well and equally.

@sunglassesonthetable

To reiterate the quote was:

“All I have ever wanted was that my DH treated my eldest well and on a par with any children we had together”

‘There was no, darling will you treat all children the same, provide for them the same, and do xyz the same’ conversation.

All she ever wanted was that… but the will treating daughters differently does not acquiesce to this desire. It states very clearly the position of the DH what he wants. And OP agreed to it.

If someone sees a child a their daughter or granddaughter they leave them an inheritance just like all the other children and grandchildren.

Why should anyone be leaving an inheritance to a child when they've just met them?

When OP met DH and wills were made I'd say it's right and proper that he leaves to his kids and she leaves to hers. They did that.

That doesn't really show anything.

‘*There was no, darling will you treat all children the same, provide for them the same, and do xyz the same’ conversation.

All she ever wanted was that… but the will treating daughters differently does not acquiesce to this desire. It states very clearly the position of the DH what he wants. And OP agreed to it.*

You actually don't know any of that.

@sunglassesonthetable

Because they are part of the family for 6 years, by virtue of the son’s marriage to OP.

You are either a granddaughter or you aren’t. Either a part of the family or you aren’t.

If there is no inheritance then there is no familial responsibility, you aren’t part of the family.

All I have ever wanted was that my DH treated my eldest well and on a par with any children we had together”

You don't know if this was a discussion, an agreement or a simple desire.

You're totally speculating.

@sunglassesonthetable

At no point in OP’s posts does she state that DH made promises or agreements relative to his contribution to DD1’s upbringing.

She talks about her desire and wants.

And the will where he gives DD1 all.

*Because they are part of the family for 6 years, by virtue of the son’s marriage to OP.

You are either a granddaughter or you aren’t. Either a part of the family or you aren’t.*

So they're not part of the family? At all.
*
If there is no inheritance then there is no familial responsibility, you aren’t part of the family.*

Sorry you've lost me.

Especially the last line. What are you talking about?

This grim tbh.

Where does OP say

At no point in OP’s posts does she state that DH made promises or agreements relative to his contribution to DD1’s upbringing.

So how could she " know what she was signing up for " ?