Just told DH I will Divorce him over a fucking wedding Part two

[KeenHiker]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5018658-just-told-dh-i-will-divorce-him-over-a-fucking-wedding

I can’t believe the responses that I had.

Essentially I am going to that wedding so it won’t backfire on me and then as people have suggested reassess when everything has calmed down after Easter.

I am never going to look at MiL in the same light as she clearly thinks my daughter is an impediment to her own granddaughter.

He did not, and does not, consider her his child. OP was, and is, aware.

Correct.

I don’t doubt that OP thought that with time, and effort on her part, that things would change. That they haven’t doesn’t mean she was in any way tricked, it means she miscalculated.

No, but OP misled them. Knowing the score, falsely pretending that was all ok with her and marrying him. And since that point trying to force her own narrative onto them all, and now threatening divorce if they don't conform over a wedding and school fees.

That's not miscalculating...

I’d say she miscalculated in thinking she would, through the passage of time and by marrying and having child with him, wield more power than she does. Now she’s tried to flex that power and realized it’s an illusion, and he and they haven’t and won’t give her what she feels entitled to demand. That’s why she’s mad.

These aren’t stupid people, and I’m sure that through being in the position they’re in that they’re very well versed in having to protect their interests, as well as how to.

I'm not absolving OP of all responsibility here - but I think this is massively unfair on her!

There may be some truth in what you're saying about OP making a lot of assumptions and building a fantasy in her head. However, she hasn't said that she expects her husband's wealthy family to lavish her daughter with anything. She's said she expects them to go include her daughter as a member of the family - that would include wedding invites and not complaining when she comes to visit along with her younger sister.

As for her husband, if he really loved OP and her daughter he would want to treat the two girls equally. I think making a big song and dance about "stepping up" while simultaneously making choices that will massively affect the older girl's self-esteem is appalling.

And he's not her real parent. She's got two of those. One who can't be arsed. One who's beyond entitled about what unrelated people should do for her and her child while the actual parent simultaneously does jack all.

He's happy to be her step father, he's been really clear about that from the off.

if what he’s provided is so inconsequential then he may as well as just stop entirely.

Quite. Maybe OP needs that reality check.

Ahhh, gotcha. Yes you are spot on.

Her own father is not and never has been on the scene. And the OP's husband knew this when he married her and "stepped up" - as he says.

As for her husband, if he really loved OP and her daughter he would want to treat the two girls equally. I think making a big song and dance about "stepping up" while simultaneously making choices that will massively affect the older girl's self-esteem is appalling.

Exactly this.

As for her husband, if he really loved OP and her daughter he would want to treat the two girls equally.

He does though. All the normal day to day stuff. Just not the "big ticket" items, and he never suggested he would, in fact he was clear from the start that big things like inheritance, would not fall to a step child.

I think making a big song and dance about "stepping up" while simultaneously making choices that will massively affect the older girl's self-esteem is appalling.

He didn't make a big song and dance about everything he does. He made a big song and dance about OP berating him and his family for the large amount they already do, because they wouldn't do even more... while actual dad does fuck all and OP prefers not to engage with any other actual paternal family but apparently that's ok.

Not his fault or his problem, that.

He has stepped up, as a stepparent. That he won’t provide everything to her that he will his actual child doesn’t negate the value of what he has done.

And he's not her real parent. She's got two of those. One who can't be arsed. One who's beyond entitled about what unrelated people should do for her and her child while the actual parent simultaneously does jack all.

We all know being a "real parent" is nothing to do with sperm . ( in a father's case )

Expecting both your young children be included in a wedding is not entitled.

Ah OK - so OP is a manipulator who tried to trap this poor man and is throwing her toys out of the pram because her evil plan hasn't worked?

He does though. All the normal day to day stuff. Just not the "big ticket" items, and he never suggested he would, in fact he was clear from the start that big things like inheritance, would not fall to a step child.

And wedding invitations for a 10 year old?

I don’t think she’s ‘evil’ at all, or that it was a particularly grand or calculated plan, but I do believe she accepted the t&c here believing they wouldn’t really apply/ she could change them. Threatening divorce didn’t have quite the impact she thought it would, and has instead resulted in reality being plainly spelt out to her.

*I’d say she miscalculated in thinking she would, through the passage of time and by marrying and having child with him, wield more power than she does. Now she’s tried to flex that power and realized it’s an illusion, and he and they haven’t and won’t give her what she feels entitled to demand. That’s why she’s mad.

These aren’t stupid people, and I’m sure that through being in the position they’re in that they’re very well versed in having to protect their interests, as well as how to.*

This is like an episode of Dallas! 😂

" miscalculated "

" weird more power"

Jeez she's just really upset for her 10 year old.

He does though. All the normal day to day stuff. Just not the "big ticket" items, and he never suggested he would, in fact he was clear from the start that big things like inheritance, would not fall to a step child.

I was accused earlier of trying to spin some kind of "rich people = bad" narrative, but it is not me who keeps bringing it back to money!

As I keep saying, it's the child's emotional well-being that I personally think is important. It's the exclusion and constant little reminders that she's not a "real" part of the family that are the biggest problems. Money does of course comes into it - private education would cost a lot - but it's the complete lack of consideration for how the older girl will be made to feel by it being offered to her sister only that makes it appalling. It's not that the older girl should have some kind of automatic right to a private education.

You need to take it in context. She was one of seven children that all weren't invited. Then the bride has changed her wedding to accommodate OP having a rage about it. One of the other children, closer in age and the same step relation as the DD even "eye rolled" at OP's reaction.

When you have wealth, shit like this comes with the territory.

She went from threatening divorce to now defending her husband against the very people taking her side, and she’s now attending the wedding. This despite the fact that her daughter not being considered family to them, and that this won’t be changing, has been well and truly pointed out to her. Seems that the divorce threat was indeed a power play, but not one she truly anticipated seeing through.

You need to take it context! She was the only one out of her family of four (because, like it or not, that family of four is the only family this little girl has or has ever known) to be excluded. Her sister was invited to play princess for the day with Mummy and Daddy watching, while she was expected to stay at home.

There absolutely weren't seven other children not invited. There was a 14-year old (who I personally also would have invited, but in an update OP said didn't seem to care) and then some other step relatives in their thirties, plus a baby/small child of two of them. There are also child cousins invited, so it never was a child-free wedding.

“I was accused earlier of trying to spin some kind of "rich people = bad" narrative”

That would be because you have been.

Also, the bride did not "change her wedding" for OP - don't be so bloody dramatic! She added a 10-year old child to the guest list. This will have cost the price of a child's menu and perhaps some minor inconvenience of seat rearranging. And given that the invitations had only just gone out, she couldn't possibly have finalised the seating plans anyway.

And it was the 14-year old that eye-rolled. At that age, everything any adult does is worthy of an eye roll!

Nope. My "narrative" - if you want to call it that, actually just what I think - is that people who disregard the emotional wellbeing of an innocent child and would deliberately exclude and other her are bad.

You need to take it in context. She was one of seven children that all weren't invited. Then the bride has changed her wedding to accommodate OP having a rage about it. One of the other children, closer in age and the same step relation as the DD even "eye rolled" at OP's reaction.

The context is that a 10 year old's DM, DD and DS were invited as she wasn't. That's the context.

It doesn't matter who else wasn't invited. You don't cherry pick kids out of families.

My kids eye roll when I wear the wrong trainers. 😁

“I've been utterly baffled at some of the attitudes displayed here over the past few days. I've only just realised it's a class thing and this is all about protecting wealth and keeping it in the bloodline! If this is what private school does to you, I think both your daughters are better off out of it, OP!”

“Yes, but the extent of the money discrepancy has only really come into it recently. Initially it was about an invitation to a wedding (or lack of one). I hadn't realised that the reason people might be so cruel to a 10-year old child is to deliberately keep them at a distance so as to protect their own financial interests. It doesn't make it any less cruel, but it makes more sense to me now. It's just rich people doing rich people things.”

“This thread has been so enlightening! The moneyed people here have made it perfectly clear that money - and all the advantages that brings such as a private education - is either yours by absolute birthright, or it isn't.

Yet rich people often claim that poor people are poor because they don't work hard enough or because of some moral failing on their part.

They create a world of have-gots and have-nots and then blame the have-nots for not having.

I think all the "what class am I" type threads should be directed here. It's a real eye-opener!”

“For what it's worth, I think your husband is an a-hole and his parents are horrid people (well, his mother, I don't think you've mentioned much about your FIL). However, as I've come to realise, having money apparently makes it OK to act that way towards an innocent child as long as the money stays in the bloodline. I was angry with him this whole time, but if you're now going to defend him then I don't know what it is you want from this!”

Ha, I've just realised that my in-laws do this for us too. Both sets live abroad in different countries that are both very expensive to get to & have both paid for our whole family to visit multiple times. MIL paid to fly here & collect all 3 kids (yes, that included her non-blood grandson) then fly back with them whilst we worked - at huge cost! In fact, they've paid for every family holiday we've had together.

FIL & wife offered to pay for work courses for eldest (not blood) & even offered to pay to get them out of a rental contract (the house was too mouldy for non-blood grandson's pregnant girlfriend to live in).

There's never been a question. Dh took on a small boy when we met, so did they. That boy became his son & by extension their family - that's it.

Fun extra fact - DH, FIL & FIL wife all went through boarding school. MIL wealthy (thru inheritance & hard work). So whilst I FIRMLY believe those backgrounds are what make ppl like OPs in-laws it absolutely doesn't have to. You can, at any time, choose not to be an arsehole.