Just told DH I will Divorce him over a fucking wedding Part two

[KeenHiker]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5018658-just-told-dh-i-will-divorce-him-over-a-fucking-wedding

I can’t believe the responses that I had.

Essentially I am going to that wedding so it won’t backfire on me and then as people have suggested reassess when everything has calmed down after Easter.

I am never going to look at MiL in the same light as she clearly thinks my daughter is an impediment to her own granddaughter.

🙄🙄🙄

My point was she’s a preteen who in a short space of time will be more preoccupied with her friends and all things teenage and won’t want to bother herself with family so much - biological or not. She’ll be wrapped up in her own life.

If she were two and the family were behaving this way it would have more of an impact as there would still be 16yrs of it ahead…

@Surprisedbuthappy

So you’ve spent all this time arguing that he made precious promises to treat her as his own…. When he did nothing of the sort…..

He has shown great love and care for her and provided significantly more for her than her own father.

OP has admitted her naïveté regarding the situation.

DD1 has been included in the wedding so far as she can be - she won’t be in the wedding party or in the photo with grandchildren but she is present and provided for. They have given a detailed account of what led to the mistake not to include her and reasoning was more relative to not wanting other relations on the brides side to be there, the focus was never OP’s daughter.

However, she is not of the same parentage therefore she does not have the same advantages in life. Even full siblings may have disparity in opportunity due to birth order or financial circumstances through time… that is life.

*Naively however, I hadn’t anticipated that his family would leave
anything directly to the youngest, I assumed DH would only inherit and
then many decades down the line youngest. I am upset about any
inevitable disparity coming early than expected. The upset was not my
expecting in-laws to leave eldest anything. *

That was naive, you thought the grandparents would leave their wealth to their son.

You thought you could control where the wealth went decades down the line.

Why has this thread changed from upset at a wedding invite, to inheritances, I find it strange that you now have accepted the invite and are seemingly accepting of their treatment of your daughter, in the first instance. You are backtracking and are apologising for them now.

They should be kind and inclusive but their wealth is for them to devide, as for the private education, your family finances between you and your husband should be devided equally, with each child having the oportunity from both of your wages. If it is the gp's who will be paying for DD2 there is not much you can do, other than deny her the chance.

If one child comes from great wealth it's going to be impossible for financial equality to exist.

People protect their wealth, their children's wealth and their granchildren's wealth and on and on, you will not break the chain.

Quite clearly none of this was agreed though! I wouldn't consider that fair treatment in this case and it doesn't look like OP does either.

For me, there is a huge difference between a stepparent who sees the child occasionally, whose stepchild has a relationship with their biological parent, and this situation where the man married a woman with a child who he knew had no father in her life at all. You're making no distinction whatsoever - it's all just "stepparent".

He knew what he was taking on - or at least he should have done. It's unfair of him to act like he's accepted the father role, leading OP to believe he sees her daughter as his own, and now reject that role years down the line when it no longer suits him.

You show absolutely zero understanding of how family can influence a young girl's confidence and self-esteem. She's 10 years old - still a young child! And even if she were 15.years old, it wouldn't make excluding her any less cruel or make it any less important to make her feel loved and valued in her family home.

Yes, I have been wrong about that. I really did think I'd read that he told OP he loved her daughter as his own but it looks like I added that but myself. OP's posts very much gave the impression that she thought that too!

Whether he used those actual words or not - he has acted in a way that made OP think he saw the two girls as equal - and now he's making it crystal clear that he doesn't. Someone will be along soon to say that OP agreeing to the different inheritances demonstrates that she knew all along that wasn't the case, but I disagree. It just demonstrates that OP isn't as grabby as a lot of people are making out and that it isn't about money at all. It's about her daughter feeling loved and included in the family unit with only two parents she's ever known. Spending vastly different amounts on her and her sister's education, not inviting her to family events such as weddings (yes, that one's been resolved now but the fact everyone thought it was fine to leave her out in the first place shows it's part of a much bigger problem), and the complaints about not seeing her sister without her are all part of an overall pattern of behaviour and attitudes that demonstrate she is an outsider - and with literally nowhere else to go where she is not ordered and is fully accepted that will be enormously damaging to her, especially as she enters her teenage years.

She knows he doesn’t though? There’s been no talk of adoption, she knows how their wills have been set up, and she knows he’s got zero expectations of his parents taking on the role of grandparents. He has done what OP has asked - she says herself that he treats her well, which is precisely what OP asked for. ‘Well and fair’ is not ‘taking on as your own’, and fair doesn’t always mean ‘exactly the same’, especially when ‘exactly the same’ would mean disadvantaging his own child and putting undue financial burden on him.

You’re presenting this as OP somehow being tricked, when it reads more like she knew what the situation was but thought that with time and marriage she could change it. Well, now she’s realised she can’t and that’s why she’s mad. SHE knew what she was getting herself, and her child, into, the responsibility for the consequences of that are hers.

Apart from the inheritances - which again I think just demonstrate that OP is not being grabby and that this isn't all about money - I don't think any of that was made clear to OP at all! Otherwise, what is she confused about? What are the two threads for?

Was not being seen as grabby more important than sticking up for her child then?

What it demonstrates is that she knew he differentiated between the two, and didn’t in fact see her eldest as his. Adoption was never a prospect either, which is no small point you’re overlooking, and she knew he wasn’t going to present a united front against his parents to insist they accepted her oldest. He treats her well as he promised OP he would, but he very clearly sees himself as what he is - her stepfather.

Like I said, I think she’s ’confused’ because she’s being forced to confront the situation tbh. She has now realized that she doesn’t have the control over the situation that she thought she did, and time/her best efforts haven’t changed anything.

It's not about being seen as grabby or not. OP clearly knows she cannot dictate who people leave their money to and has said that she didn't expect that for her daughter.

I, many other posters, and - crucially - OP herself do not think that creating an environment which others and excludes her young daughter is treating her well.

"Treating her well" for us doesn't mean providing a roof over her head and paying for things. It also means caring about her well-being and emotional state. This all started with the poor girl in tears over a wedding. She's already aware that she's different to her sister. She has grown up with this man for (I think) 5-6 years at least, and she probably doesn't remember much before that. To her he is her father. She knows no other father. OP says he's treated her like a father - now because it's more convenient to him he wants to treat her like a stepfather. I believe that's cruel, unkind and not in any way "treating her well".

Absolutely this!

However, she is not of the same parentage therefore she does not have the same advantages in life. Even full siblings may have disparity in opportunity due to birth order or financial circumstances through time… that is life.

I am the eldest, my mother didn’t work a full time job until I was about 8 or 9, nor drove. My family had zero money or time to take me to expensive hobbies, my mum also had two very young children, my dad worked evening and nights.

My two younger siblings had a vastly different childhood to me both got to do expensive hobbies that saw them go all over the uk and abroad, one had scooter driving lessons paid for, plus a scooter because their chosen college course was in a different town and would take 2 hours to commute both ways via busses and trains. Another was given a house deposit and car deposit. I am a ten years older than my youngest sibling and when I was similar ages we simply couldn’t afford, plus I didn’t need driving lessons as my college course was in walking distance.

You parent your children with the means you have, and to their needs as individuals it’s bonkers to think or set expectations they are all have to be treated equally.

I don’t begrudge my parents giving more financially to my siblings, it’s called life - sometimes it’s not “fair”

You’re the one who excused her overlooking that by saying she didn’t want to be seen as grabby, so i’m not sure how it’s suddenly ‘not about’ that 🤯 Keep the goalposts where they are at least. You’re scrambling to absolve Op of any responsibility for this, and, hilariously, using the same criticisms against this man she’s already defended him against. You’re spinning your own narrative here of evil stepfather + rIcH pEoPlE bAD.

Again, it demonstrates that he didn’t see her as his child. Not pursuing adoption demonstrates that. Not expecting his parents to see her as a grandchild demonstrates that. There’s no getting around that. This isn’t a man that saw her as ‘his own’, or pretended to.

What ‘treating her well’ entails is open to interpretation, obviously, and for him (and plenty of others) it does not extend to taking on considerable financial burden beyond what he already provides, alienating his family and/or prioritising her above any and all other considerations. It isn’t his fault that she knows no other father, he isn’t required to be anything other than the stepfather that he is. Op is the one that bought her daughter into this situation, that isn’t going to change, and it is on Op to be honest with her daughter as to the reality here.

It’s not 6 years time though, she’s not about to start work, she’s a little girl who isn’t even out of primary school.

Have you actually ever spent time with a 10 year old? They are small children.

Your experience is completely different. How can you compare it? Your parents didn’t refuse or deny you that because they didn’t see you as less than their ‘full’ children.

the point being made here is this ten year old child does see herself as the daughter and relative of this family but is being made to feel she’s not.

Honestly I wouldn’t even bother.

anyone who says about a 10 year old “well they’ll start work in 6 years time” shows you the measure of who they are. Just awful.

You are right. By that poster’s standards I might as well bin any aspirations for my 3 year old off now and sign him up for the sweatshop. He starts work in 13 years anyway.

I didn't say OP didn't want to be seen as grabby, but she's been accused of that here and I was making the point that she has never stated that she expects an inheritance for her eldest daughter either from her in-laws or from her husband. I don't think OP did overlook the wills - I think she was fully aware of them. I'm not sure why you think that the wills and inheritance point is this massive 'gotcha'. Some people cut their own biological children out of their wills, not being included in the will doesn't really mean anything other than he doesn't want her included.

Again, this is not all about money. It's about a young girl being brought up in an environment in which she is excluded and othered. Money comes into it mainly because of the private education issue. If the OPs entire family went to private schools, then it was indeed very naive of her not to think it would come up at all - if she really didn't as she claimed. I do agree with you that OP brought her daughter into this situation - there's no denying that. I believe her when she says she didn't know the full extent to which he eldest daughter is still viewed as an outsider in the family, but now she does know and she's got some hard choices to make.

Yes, what "treating her well" entails is indeed open to interpretation. OP has got to decide what it entails for her. In her shoes, I couldn't stay married to a man who would create and allow such divisions between the two girls. Yes, of course, divorcing him won't change the younger sister's financial advantages, nor should it, but since those are going to be there anyway I would at least want to show my eldest daughter that I didn't stand by and let it happen. I also just simply couldn't be attracted to a man who would think and act like that and so I wouldn't stay married to him for that reason. I can only speak for myself, obviously. OP has to decide for herself.

OP I can totally understand your feelings.
This is so shocking behaviour.

Again, this is not all about money. It's about a young girl being brought up in an environment in which she is excluded and othered.

This and this.

Yes, I have been wrong about that. I really did think I'd read that he told OP he loved her daughter as his own but it looks like I added that but myself. OP's posts very much gave the impression that she thought that too!

See, this was my inkling all along. I posted this pages ago. OP has heard what she wanted to hear, because she wants this to be the "instant" family she hasn't got for elder DD. As PP said, she must have really thought her ship came in.

Eg the DH says "I will raise her with you"

And OP deliberately hears "I will raise her with you as my own".

Like you, OP added that bit on the end. And you only did that because of the way OP tells the story insinuating it. OP now is up in arms that what she wanted to hear isn't what is happening. She's got fantasies in her head of this brilliant supportive wealthy family who will scoop up her eldest and lavish all this support etc on her, despite the reality being that from day one, she wasn't in wills, or thought of as a granddaughter. OP did know that. She just pushed on with the fantasy version, because she thinks it's somehow going to materialise if she keeps acting like it will.

I think OP would have been trying to seek validation of this, "oh it's wonderful how you raise her as your own, DH" to almost plant the seed/get him to say those words. Because she wanted to create that situation for her eldest. That thing where if you say something often enough, and loud enough, it must be true, right? She knew it wasn't the case. She was hoping she could change that.

Whether he used those actual words or not - he has acted in a way that made OP think he saw the two girls as equal - and now he's making it crystal clear that he doesn't.

I don't think he did at all. I think OP has deliberately interpreted someone saying "as her own father won't even turn up, now we're married I will do the day to day providing and parenting with you" as "this is now my child, as my own, and my extended family will now become a surrogate paternal family".

Right from the start, the DHs response to OP raging at him was "it's not my fault her dad didn't step up". And this makes so much sense. The DH is willing to step up, and do the groundwork each day. The boring but absolutely essential daily life stuff that every child needs. Food, clothes, housing, holidays, birthdays, social stuff. He is doing all of that, and OP glosses over that this is all voluntary and a thousand times more than actual dad. She literally just ignores everything he does every day. The real parenting. The only person (other than OP) who's ever been interested in this child, she's threatening to divorce because she didn't get a wedding invite just like the other 6 "step nieces/nephews".

She's been given the keys to the candy store, she expect the deeds to the shop.

My point was she’s a preteen who in a short space of time will be more preoccupied with her friends and all things teenage and won’t want to bother herself with family so much - biological or not. She’ll be wrapped up in her own life.

This is rubbish of course.

Yes, generally people cut out their biological children when they’re estranged from them, or there’s issues there. It isn’t an act that usually intended to be, or received as, neutral. It speaks loudly as to the nature of a relationship, and her OP’s husband’s will speaks loudly here. He did not, and does not, consider her his child. OP was, and is, aware.

I don’t doubt that OP thought that with time, and effort on her part, that things would change. That they haven’t doesn’t mean she was in any way tricked, it means she miscalculated.

Whatever OP does now is up to her, but whatever she does she isn’t going to change the fact that there are significant familial and financial disparities between her two daughters, and indeed leaving may just bring those disparities into even sharper relief.

Cross post. Exactly this.

*Right from the start, the DHs response to OP raging at him was "it's not my fault her dad didn't step up". And this makes so much sense. The DH is willing to step up, and do the groundwork each day. The boring but absolutely essential daily life stuff that every child needs. Food, clothes, housing, holidays, birthdays, social stuff. He is doing all of that, and OP glosses over that this is all voluntary and a thousand times more than actual dad. She literally just ignores everything he does every day. The real parenting. The only person (other than OP) who's ever been interested in this child, she's threatening to divorce because she didn't get a wedding invite just like the other 6 "step nieces/nephews".

She's been given the keys to the candy store, she expect the deeds to the shop.*

And? The real parenting is not "othering" your child. Or the child in your care.

Then her own father can do it 🤷🏻‍♀️

if what he’s provided is so inconsequential then he may as well as just stop entirely.