Just told DH I will Divorce him over a fucking wedding Part two

[KeenHiker]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5018658-just-told-dh-i-will-divorce-him-over-a-fucking-wedding

I can’t believe the responses that I had.

Essentially I am going to that wedding so it won’t backfire on me and then as people have suggested reassess when everything has calmed down after Easter.

I am never going to look at MiL in the same light as she clearly thinks my daughter is an impediment to her own granddaughter.

Right I thought I was done but to answer your question. We have our own accounts and a joint account for expenses which is 50:50 from both of us BUT twice a year he puts in a sum of money into the joint account.

He has a bit of a sideline with a school friend and a cousin where they actually get their hands dirty, which also makes money!

For those of you who think that I am naive he is a very generous man and on the very odd time that I have had a cash flow problem he had given without question and hasn’t asked for it back.

In terms of financing the eldest he has done it without question or complaint.

He would pay fees for his own child not his parents, I have no idea if my eldest would be jealous, interested or even question it. I don’t know what she will be like in 6 years time.

I do not believe that he would however, pay for two sets of school fees and I couldn’t pay for eldest without a massive compromise.

OK, I'm confused now, OP. You seem to be defending your husband by saying he's a very generous man and you haven't been naive. What actually is the situation here? Did he make out before you married and had another child that he would treat your eldest like a daughter of his own or did he not? Do you believe that by sending one child to private school and not the other, he is demonstrating that he loves them both equally? What exactly are you angry about? If you're fine with the unequal schooling opportunities but angry about the photo with great granny then I don't understand your priorities, but OK.

For what it's worth, I think your husband is an a-hole and his parents are horrid people (well, his mother, I don't think you've mentioned much about your FIL). However, as I've come to realise, having money apparently makes it OK to act that way towards an innocent child as long as the money stays in the bloodline. I was angry with him this whole time, but if you're now going to defend him then I don't know what it is you want from this!

My MiL was I thought, the nicest, kindest, most hospitable woman you could ever met. She was warm and generous.

The saddest, saddest I have ever been and I am embarrassed about this as both my parents died too early, was doing some chores and deciding to pop in to see the in-laws.

We turned into the road and they were on the sliver of garden in front of their town house. BiL was up a ladder with FiL footing it with MiL watching niece play on pavement.

We parked about 6 houses away and niece saw us and came running with MiL, and when MiL saw that only my youngest child was in the car a look of unbridled joy spread across her face. She then remembered that my eldest from an earlier relationship was away on a school journey. She shrieked to FiL about”the boy not being there as he was on a trip.” Niece shouted “Yes!”.
They got him out and openly said that niece could finally play with him without eldest.
These ‘lovely’ people left their money not to their sons but divided everything between their grandchildren to ensure my eldest didn’t benefit from their money what, potentially half a century later? Their prerogative of course.
When I wake up before the alarm and then go back to sleep I wake up hearing her Cork accent referring to my precious son as “the boy.”

100% this

That’s awful 😞

Why do you think toxic relationships are needed ? Why does the youngest earn from having someone who clearly doesn’t like their sibling ? Why are these nasty people needed in her life ?

OP, it's easy to be kind and nice when it doesn't cost you anything, and this is what I think about your husband.
In a household with two children living there full time and with no other parent in the mix, I truly think it's appalling to pay for private education for one and not both.
If your husband cannot understand why it would feel so bad for you to see your two children being treated so differently re schooling, whole hide reside in the same home, then he's not the man you thought you were marrying.

I think that if he promised to treat your dd as if she were his, then he's misled you.
You need a serious conversation where you tell him how his feelings/behaviour are hurting you. If he loves you he will want to put that right. If he doesn't, then you've got some choices to make.

I'm really sorry, this totally sucks. It's awful to have everything you thought you knew about people, ripped away x

Because these people have money! And that's youngest's birthright and to deny her any possible advantage that money could buy would be the absolute most heinous crime of all.

Birthright ? lol sorry this is not a jane Austin novel , this so real life . You think a child should be brought up with toxic people because of the possibility she may have some money at a stage ? I teach my kids different to that ! No amount if money could make me expose children to someone who would damage sibling relationships.

No, I don't think that at all - read my previous posts! I was being sarcastic.

Sorry just seen that 😉

Have you considered the fact that it is also easy for people on here to suggest to other people what to do when it is not costing them tens or potentially hundreds of thousands of pounds ?!

Maybe if it was they might think differently...

Because not treating a child that isn’t their granddaughter like a granddaughter isn’t ’toxic’. It isn’t their fault that she has no relationship with her paternal family, and it’s not on them to step into those roles.

Op knew how they considered her before she married her husband, and she knew her husband had no problem with it. These ‘nasty people’ are the youngest daughter’s family, that love and are loved by her. She shouldn’t have to miss out on her paternal family because her older sister doesn’t have one.

And the OP concedes that she could cover school fees for her eldest , for whom she is responsible, but that would mean compromises, yet OP is upset that people who are not related to her child will not make compromises.

There’s a big disconnect in OPs train of thought there.

I can't speak for everyone, but if I were in the position to spend hundreds of thousands of pounds on a child in my care, and who had been in my care since a toddler, then I would! I do mean genuinely in the position to spend that money and not if I could just about scrape it together but with great sacrifices. I obviously do not know this man's financial position so I'm not saying he should do that!

What I definitely wouldn't do is spend all that money on one child only out of two in my care if I couldn't do it for both.

Edited to add: Yes, even if one of those children was my biological child and the other was not but had been living in my home as my child from a very young age!

If possible at all I would make the massive compromise and pay for your daughter yourself. Either way he is going to pay for private school for your youngest. It’s the only way you can equalise it without risking resentment between sisters, between the eldest and you and between your eldest and your husband. You and your husband is another thing though.

I don’t think I’d be able to forgive him for creating this obvious division and I’d just have to see how long I could live with him afterwards.

Maybe you genuinely would, and that would be your call. If you chose not to that would also be your call.

It’s very easy to confidently state what you ‘definitely would’ do with money that you don’t have, in a situation you’re not in. It’s amazing how many people that, having come into money, quickly change their minds in regards their stated values though.

I'm sure you're right about that. I know I absolutely wouldn't change my values though. It's very black and white for me - as I'm sure you can tell. Just as it's black and white for you and others that this man has absolutely no obligations towards the child he took in at a very young age because he isn't her biological father.

No one is saying that he has "absolutely no obligations" though.

You're trying to polarise the debate.

People are simply saying that it is not unreasonable for his obligations to have limits.

You have a different definition to me . Anyone that treats a child the way they treat the OP
oldest in relation to the wedding is toxic imo . In fact they are vile

Oh, I'm pretty sure PPs have said he has no obligations, but OK I may be misquoting.

I have a child, who is adopted.

My parents always referred to their grandchild and their adopted grandchild.

But it’s not what you think.

My son is the grandchild. The adopted grandchild is the daughter of my cousin who lost one parent and was no contact with another (for good reason).

In their will they left 5% each to my son and cousin’s daughter. The remaining 90% was split between my sister (no kids) and me. No arguments/negative comments from my sister.

Reading this I am counting my blessings that I have my family and not the OP’s husband’s.

I absolutely feel for your situation as I have a similarish set of circumstances. My eldest daughter is not my husband's. He claimed from the very beginning that he would treat her like his own. Unlike your situation extended family have been wonderful in that respect. Always treated equally to the other children. Inheritance from grandparents will be impacted but it will go directly to husband rather than kids. Inheritance from us is split equally 4 ways (2 stepchildren, my daughter and our child).

However what I have noticed is that he treats her very differently to my son. He is critical of her, shows her a lot less affection, parents her in a way I disagree with. Last night I read him the riot act. Gave him a step by step list of changes and what him to action them from today. He knows that if he doesn't that's it.

Even the ultimatum is upsetting, knowing that I forced him to step up rather than him doing it himself out of love.

Blended families are so difficult to get right. Sorry I have no ideas to improve your situation. But for me I'd be direct, I'd spell out frankly the issues and the impact if not dealt with, and finally solutions. His willingness to listen and change will tell you what your next steps should be.

Did you ever say to your dh , when he mentioned private school for d2 , that you would like for d1 to have the same opportunity