Just told DH I will Divorce him over a fucking wedding Part two

[KeenHiker]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5018658-just-told-dh-i-will-divorce-him-over-a-fucking-wedding

I can’t believe the responses that I had.

Essentially I am going to that wedding so it won’t backfire on me and then as people have suggested reassess when everything has calmed down after Easter.

I am never going to look at MiL in the same light as she clearly thinks my daughter is an impediment to her own granddaughter.

So he calls them out. And damages the relationship by telling them to act in a way they are no way obligated too.

Great, now both kids have no paternal family. What brilliant equality. What a win for youngest DD.

How about the actual parental family are called out? It's their responsibility. Their fault. It's all being taken out on the unrelated family of her new DH because they are simply there. OP keeps this up and they soon won't be. Well, they will for DH's child. So she can't stop them supporting her, no matter how much she wants to if they won't gift the same to her DD.

Nope, it's all being taken out a 10-year old child just for being there! She's accused of standing between the younger girl and her grandmother just for existing.

We all know that the girl's biological father is rubbish and he's the one who should be stepping up - but he isn't, he never has, and he's not the one who married OP making big promises he had no intention of keeping.

This thread has been so enlightening! The moneyed people here have made it perfectly clear that money - and all the advantages that brings such as a private education - is either yours by absolute birthright, or it isn't.

Yet rich people often claim that poor people are poor because they don't work hard enough or because of some moral failing on their part.

They create a world of have-gots and have-nots and then blame the have-nots for not having.

I think all the "what class am I" type threads should be directed here. It's a real eye-opener!

That's ridiculous hyperbole.

Asking to spend some one to one time with a five year old, because you haven't done so for over two years, is perfectly normal. "Oh, the poor eldest for simply existing" FFS

I have twins. DM is taking girl twin out for something on Wednesday. Just girl twin. I will give her a call later and tell her how awful she is for clearly resenting boy twin even exists, she obviously thinks he stands in the way of her and girl twin. How dare she want to spend time with one child. She must have both, on every occasion, no exceptions.

Still, OP with her threats of divorce is probably going to end up with this situation anyway. All it will do is stop the unrelated family having to deal with her entitlement and demanding they act a certain way, so they'll probably be up for that anyway.

I agree with PP, she saw this DH and his family as her ship coming in. But they saw it differently. And she can't tantrum her way into changing what they are in every right to do.

She needs to put the energy into building a relationship with "crying gran"... She just doesn't want to, because crying gran doesn't benefit her. She wants an instant extended family. And this one is supportive to each other, wealthy, she wants in. You can see why, she's had nothing paternally for years. They however, don't want that. They're happy to be inclusive to a point (a much higher point than the people who should be!) but OP doesn't acknowledge that at all. She just complains she wants more. Not her choice.

That demonstrably isn’t the case though, and repeating it doesn’t magically make it so.

That said, this is the package OP and her DH agreed upon. She knew his parents didn’t view her daughter as their grandchild and that her DH was fine with this. She knew that while her DH would be kind to her daughter that he wouldn’t be financially providing for her in his will, and that she wouldn’t benefit directly from his family money.

He doesn’t need to say that, and what’s more he’s very obviously not going to.

what people think ‘should’ be happening here is meaningless, because that isn’t OP’s reality and isn’t going to become it. She married him knowing that his parents didn’t consider her daughter their grandchild, that he was fine with this, and that her daughter wasn’t going to directly benefit from her stepfather’s family money. She agreed to this, and now she has a problem because she’s having to confront it.

She is responsible for the wellbeing of two children, and trying to deny her youngest opportunities based on what is available to her eldest is doing a her a disservice (and one that could very easily damage her relationship with her youngest, which does also matter!). I say ‘trying to’ because what is also obvious here is that she would have a fight on her hands, one she would be unlikely to win. She can of course leave her husband, which would also probably mean her eldest ceases to have any relationship with a man OP acknowledges treats her well and is a father figure to her, whilst her youngest spends 50% of the time living the same privileged life OP may think divorcing him would prevent her from living.

@Surprisedbuthappy

Right now the elder daughter has self esteem issues with potential mental health complications because of her broken family dynamic, the failure of her father to provide both emotionally and financially, and the failure of her paternal relatives to interact well and her mother to support positive interactions with paternal relatives.

You are suggesting that to compensate for this and to make the older girl feel better about her circumstances in life that the younger girls paternal relationships (which are healthy and hugely beneficial) be damaged and that she should suffer financial and educational hardship - leading to her having low self esteem, potential mental health issues and a problematic relationship not only with paternal relatives but also her entire nuclear family who’ve created the mess.

So you suggest have one disturbed child, create another for free!!

To deny the younger her family and opportunities will create more problems for both girls and won’t deal with what is actually wrong for the elder - issues relative to her parents - NOT the DH and family.

As for your comments regarding people with money - there are many people who achieve well and have good careers who come from working class backgrounds. My grandparents were both working class - they achieved well in school and then decided to send their offspring to private education and so it continued. We don’t send our DC to private as the school nearest us rates higher than the local private schools so no point. In some areas it is more important than others. The whole point is, if the money is available via hard work or inheritance, why on earth wouldn’t you send your child, particularly if it is normalised in the family.

The DH contributes massively to the elder daughter’s life. But major costs should be paid by her actual parents. It’s unreasonable to leech off others to the extent you are suggesting.

Your twins' situation has nothing to do with it. It's not a one-off occurrence of wanting to take the five-year old to an event without her sister just to spend some one-on-one time together, is it? It's an overall pattern of behaviour and attitudes from the whole family that demonstrates that the older girl is completely unimportant to them. She will pick up on that and it will be awful for her to grow up with that knowledge.

I do agree with you and others that the relationship with the in-laws can't be forced though. They cannot be forced to love her as one of their own, nor did they ever claim to. OP's husband did though.

@Surprisedbuthappy

The whole point here is that while DH has promised to love and provide for elder daughter…. That should not be to the detriment of his own daughter.

You cannot validate damaging a younger child to try and resolve the mental health of the elder. She is always going to have problems - she doesn’t have her nuclear family, her father has taken off, her paternal relatives are a disaster and her mother is evidently completely reliant on her husband and his insta-family on sorting out whatever mess she finds herself in.

@InterIgnis Such clear displays of favouritism and othering is not treating her well and do not make him a good father figure.

Somewhat missing the point though in the gross generalisation made that your money is your money, to do with what you want.

You can give it to your family, your extended family, the cats home or save the whale. There are lots of good causes out there.

But it is your choice what to do with it, not the choice of other people to decide for you. No matter how good or equitable they think their decisions or causes might be.

Op is the one that said it, take it up with her if you’ve got an issue with the descriptor 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Justkeeepswimming The point is that sending both girls to the school the couple can afford without help from the in-laws is not causing some kind of severe deprivation to the younger girl.

@Surprisedbuthappy

He is not her father.

Then he shouldn't be claiming to treat her as his own! He should own who he is and who his family are and be upfront with OP.

@Surprisedbuthappy

It separates her out from her cousins and paternal family, it takes away opportunities to focus on a broader range of subjects, to engage more fully with her interests earlier in a more supportive environment, it takes away important social contacts and opportunities, and more support to get into top universities….

The elder girl even if he pays for her to go to the private school doesn’t have the social standing and financial backup to make the most of it - the younger does, so why take it away from her, it’s bananas.

He has been @Surprisedbuthappy they’ve had wills for 5 years - he made it clear the elder girl would not be inheriting from him or his family.

That is the difference.

This wedding business has just brought the difference in treatment and opportunity for the girls to the fore, and it will become more apparent now as they age and have different opportunities due to their different fathers.

@Justkeeepswimming

This wedding business has just brought the difference in treatment and opportunity for the girls to the fore, and it will become more apparent now as they age and have different opportunities due to their different fathers.

Well yes. On that we do agree.! 👏🏻

It would be denying her an opportunity that she could/would greatly benefit from. It also fails to recognise that she is an individual distinct from her sister, and that her opportunities shouldn’t be curtailed because her sister hasn’t the same ones available.

It also means her sister being associated with things she can’t have, that she would otherwise be able to if not for said sister. Her sister becomes the charity case prioritized by mummy, in contrast to daddy who wants to, and will fight to, provide for her what he can afford to. For all the talk of ‘protecting sibling relationships’ this factor is being willfully overlooked as inconsequential.

If they both had the same two biological parents, but the parents could only afford to send one of them to private school, would you make the same arguments? If not, why not?

In OP's case, that is exactly the position she is being railroaded into by her husband.

I am sitting in a cafe having taken my kids to school.

I am no nearer a resolution as evidenced here there is a lot to weigh up.

I don’t want to come on to defend myself in any way but to challenge what some people have posted.

I was privately educated until 11. I have a career and I am financially independent but not at a point where I could solely pay for a private education without compromising on essentials.

Adoption was never discussed and I don’t believe this would have affected my in-laws’ attitude.

I have never ever expected my in-laws to leave an inheritance to my daughter and the inheritance that my husband referred to recently does not come directly from his parents.

What I did expect that the inevitable disparity in their finances because I do accept that they have different fathers, would play out some decades in the future when they were mature and quite possibly my eldest would not necessarily have been privy to the youngest’s affairs.

I haven’t stopped facilitating a relationship with my eldest daughter’s family because they do nothing for me but because my daughter would become very distressed seeing her grandmother becoming distressed. My daughter’s father can no longer live independently because of choices he has made.

As a result of this thread I might try to speak with his sister to see if she would be willing to see my daughter independently of her mother.

Some posters are blaming me for all of this but as another poster said I didn’t possess a crystal ball.

I still don’t know what to do but my daughter doesn’t know any of this and the relationship she has with DH is a positive one.

I am upset that MiL sees her as an impediment to her own granddaughter and upset that she isn’t regarded as family for a photo with a 96 year old woman, incidentally a very minor part of the wedding and prompted by a cousin not the old lady herself.

I am shocked as the in-laws all of them, are always nice and polite showing no signs of this attitude.

The SiL, while I accept that she reached out, hasn’t really apologised and I don’t think feels that they have done anything wrong. Her own sister’s stepchild, completely unknown to me seems more independent than mine and is being brought up in a different setup.

I don’t think I can add anything else.

@KeenHiker Talk to your husband, OP. As plenty of people have said, you can't expect too much from your in-laws. You can expect him to either live up to promises he made you or be clear and honest about why he can't/won't. And then you make your choice. Good luck, I feel for you and your daughter.

You knew they didn’t, and didn’t intend to, see her as a granddaughter. Well, this is what that looks like. This isn’t something that’s been hidden from you, and nor is your husband thinking this to not be a problem. Maybe you thought that given enough time this would change, or that once married you’d be able to kick up enough of a fuss that they’d back down and you’d get your way. If so, you badly misjudged. The situation is what it is, and regardless of whether you’re with your husband or not (and he may be the one to decide he’s had enough and leave. That option is open to him as well) the familial and financial disparities between your daughters exist. They will always exist. Whatever happens, you’re going to need to come to terms with that.

Your MIL isn’t wrong to want to spend time with her granddaughter without your eldest being present. The same applies to your BIL. Presenting them as a package deal didn’t change the way they consider her, and nor will it. You can’t make them agree with you, no matter how much you think they should.

I do not envy your position and you have my sympathy.

I don't think there is an ideal solution. I don't think pressurising your husband about his family or pressurising your husbands family is going to lead anywhere good. I just think it will end up with you looking pushy and entitled.

I don't think divorcing your husband is a good solution, but reminding him of/clarifying his commitment to you regards the older child is.

I think you just have to do your best to compensate to your older daughter and prepare her for inequalities that might arise in the future and to foster the best relationships you possibly can with her fathers family as well as her stepfathers.

It might be worth reminding yourself that siblings are never raised entirely equally, no matter how hard parents might try, and no matter how much parents believe they have succeeded, because ultimately they are independent people.

Can I ask a couple of questions?

How are your finances organised with your dh? Is it all joint or are they separate? What about if you used your salary to pay dd1's private school fees while your dh covered the rest of your family expenses? Your dh's reaction to that suggestion will be telling but it does depend on your finances overall as to whether it is feasible.

Does he plan to pay for the private school out of his income or is it his family who would pay? That would obviously make a difference and I could see how your dd1 could be more accepting and less hurt by his family paying than him paying as she will presumably be well aware of the fact she is not family to them.

I think I would still go to the wedding as that way you are not burning bridges before you make decisions. The photo is easy to avoid given dd2 and dh are in the wedding party so I wouldn't get too het up about that.